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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make DH go back on his decision about a family house?

92 replies

Herzie29 · 19/04/2016 22:50

I am livid. DH has agreed with his family to contribute 4 grand a year towards a family holiday house. He did not discuss it with me.

DH's family are quite well off and his parents have owned a house abroad for many years. FIL is now getting on and no longer wants the hassle and expense of maintaining it so has offered his DCs ( DH and his 2 DSIS) the option of taking it over or he will sell it and as I understood it the proceeds to be divided between DH and his DSIS's.

DH's DSIS are also well off, but we are not so much. I am currently a SAHM and DH is self employed. His work is quite well paid but can be very erratic. originally DSISs said they would like to sell and My DH went along with this as there is no way he could take it on by himself. The house went up for sale and there has now been an offer. Suddenly faced with loosing it they have decided to keep it and share the costs.

DH said at the weekend that the share was 4K a year and that a decision had to be made this week. He has now admitted that he is already committed to it! WTF? Did he not think it should be a joint decision?

I know he is emotionally attached to the house ( although it's not a childhood home or anything) but... I only just tolerate the house when I have stayed there for free. It is in a country where neither of us speak the language. It is in a ski area and I don't ski ( and DCs won't be old enough to ski for a few years yet). I don't want to be committed to every holiday there for the foreseeable and to be honest we won't be able to afford to go anywhere else now. And it's full of spiders and far from child friendly!

We are far from financially secure and don't have pensions etc...

AIBU to think that this should come before a holiday home ( that I really don't want) and that he need to go and grovel to his family?

OP posts:

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 20/04/2016 12:29

In fact it doesn't only mean no choice of holidays for the foreseeable future, the op and her husband can't even afford pensions, yet you say it is "my little family" to expect her husband to fully include her in a decision to commit 4 thousand pounds per year to the upkeep of a holiday home

jay55 · 20/04/2016 12:43

Does your own house cost you £4K a year after mortgage/rent for upkeep?
You could have a couple of nice holidays for that money a year, to child friendly places you'd enjoy.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 20/04/2016 12:52

Actually re reading the op it sounds suspiciously as though the adult children will take over the running costs of the house but will not actually own it, so the father could have to sell it for his care costs before the OP's kids get to an age where it might be a suitable holiday for them both, meaning all the OP's DH has actually done is hand over €24000 pounds or something simply out of the goodness of his heart, to the considerable detriment of his and his wife's pension pots and standard of living, and totally unnecessarily as it's a holiday house not a main home!

derxa · 20/04/2016 13:12

The FIL needs to sign over the house and everything needs to set out in writing. DH could take a lesser share but I feel he does want a share. OP I didn't mean to be snippy- maybe I'm in a bad mood today. I'd love to have brothers/sisters to have problems like this.

pinkcan · 20/04/2016 13:38

Doesn't matter who is earning/looking after dc. £4K is a monumental expense and no family (unless top 1% of earners) should agree to spend that much per year without discussion with their spouse.

pictish · 20/04/2016 16:04

I don't like skiing so I wouldn't pay £4000 to go skiing every year. I'd throw a wobbly if someone tried to make me. Fuck skiing.

ConferencePear · 20/04/2016 17:09

You have several different problems here OP.

First, your husband should not be committing such a large portion of money your family money without discussing it with you.

Second, I would be very worried about a holiday home with an upkeep cost of £12K pa. I have several friends with holiday homes abroad and the most expensive of them only costs about £2,500 for basic annual upkeep.

Third, legalities are very different in other countries, even within Europe, you may be getting into some sort of legal minefield, in a country where you don’t speak the language.

You might want to overcome these things if you liked the place, but you don’t I can’t see why you would even try.
I think your DH is being extremely unreasonable.

BeauGlacons · 20/04/2016 18:51

I don't think 12k pa upkeep is unreasonable. It's about whether as a family you can afford it on a property that isn't being gifted properly and the lack of agreement about what will happen if your family unit can't keep up the payments.

To be fair, it won't be £4000 because you could let it for your third of the year or part thereof. If that isn't possible then it may be an unrealistic investment. What is the weekly rental in peak season and how many weeks is peak season. We can rent for 10-12 of the peak weeks. We also have to fund a gardener/handyman and cleaner for much of the year and pay local taxes and utilities plus a Cpl of return airfares to check up in things throughout the year.

Original poster

Herzie29 · 21/04/2016 07:21

Thanks to everyone for the thoughts and suggestions and allowing me to vent. I've now been able to talk about it calmly knowing I'm in th right and a compromise has been reached. SILs will take in on now (think they were half surprised he agreed to it in the first place) and we will contribute 1000 a week on a pay as you go basis if and when we use it.

OP posts:

BombadierFritz · 21/04/2016 08:53

Glad you have all agreed on what sounds like a good plan

whois · 21/04/2016 09:34

Fantastic solution!

CrikeyPeg · 21/04/2016 09:36

Great solution :)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/04/2016 00:13

Glad that's sorted then - so you can avoid paying for it by never going

Is £1000 per week the market rate for renting it out, as a matter of interest?

Eustace2016 · 22/04/2016 07:15

That sounds a good plan and £1k a week for a ski place is very very cheap so quite a good deal.

Eustace2016 · 22/04/2016 07:16

As a lawyer who every few days as a new dispute coming in because people didn't get their agreement in writing anywhere, could they at least exchange an email between the 3 sibilings saying the sisters pay and the £1k if and when your husband uses it and then keep that safely on a file somewhere.

Eustace2016 · 22/04/2016 07:17

Also make sure the note says the property stays in the parents' names so that when they die it will go to all 3 siblings equally (if that is what their will says) if that is agreed. If put into names of 3 (or 2) children to save inheritance tax later then that will need a slightly more complex email/note as a co-owner your ex would usually pay his third of expenses but now will not.

acasualobserver · 22/04/2016 07:33

It sounds as if the sisters are wealthy enough to buy your husband's 1/3 share.

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