To make DH go back on his decision about a family house?

[Herzie29]

I am livid. DH has agreed with his family to contribute 4 grand a year towards a family holiday house. He did not discuss it with me.

DH's family are quite well off and his parents have owned a house abroad for many years. FIL is now getting on and no longer wants the hassle and expense of maintaining it so has offered his DCs ( DH and his 2 DSIS) the option of taking it over or he will sell it and as I understood it the proceeds to be divided between DH and his DSIS's.

DH's DSIS are also well off, but we are not so much. I am currently a SAHM and DH is self employed. His work is quite well paid but can be very erratic. originally DSISs said they would like to sell and My DH went along with this as there is no way he could take it on by himself. The house went up for sale and there has now been an offer. Suddenly faced with loosing it they have decided to keep it and share the costs.

DH said at the weekend that the share was 4K a year and that a decision had to be made this week. He has now admitted that he is already committed to it! WTF? Did he not think it should be a joint decision?

I know he is emotionally attached to the house ( although it's not a childhood home or anything) but... I only just tolerate the house when I have stayed there for free. It is in a country where neither of us speak the language. It is in a ski area and I don't ski ( and DCs won't be old enough to ski for a few years yet). I don't want to be committed to every holiday there for the foreseeable and to be honest we won't be able to afford to go anywhere else now. And it's full of spiders and far from child friendly!

We are far from financially secure and don't have pensions etc...

AIBU to think that this should come before a holiday home ( that I really don't want) and that he need to go and grovel to his family?

peggy your logic is flawed unless you take into account the financial value of childcare for a 2 year old and a 6 month old, plus any other domestic work over and above a strict 50% share. If you want to look at a family with a stay at home parent from a feminist perspective you must fully acknowledged the value of unpaid work. If OP worked and contributed 12 k after tax and deductions to the family pot and childcare cost 12 k per year, and her husband did 50% of nursery runs and 50% of all domestic chores would you allow her to have a say over family financial decisions?

He needs to tell your sisters he can't afford it, they can then do as they choose with it.

The truth is he can't afford it, the family can't afford it, however you look at it. My DH certainly wouldn't make such a decision with out me and I'm about to be a SAHM once mat leave starts. He needs your sensible head to get him out of this mess!

we share a family home abroad, and the standing costs such as tax and a share of electric, water , insurance etc, runs into about 1500,this is spilt 4 ways, and it's agreed that any electric and water used and other facilities are paid for by any one using the property for a holiday, so if someone doesn't go there regularly their input is a little less. Any unexpected costs like fixing the roof/ shutters are paid for as and when needed, although a slush fund for this would be useful, but I am staggered at how much your share is, I would want to see paperwork to back this up. But I appreciate the emotional tie for your DH, our house is over 500 years old, spidery, no heating, and no pool, but we had all our family holidays there as children, and my own children would be devastated if we let it go.

This is a no brainer. It works out at £333 a month. Not even a decent car costs that!
No...it makes no sense for him to do this.

I mean if you've got it to lose, fine. You don't, so it can't happen.

What the fuck kind of ski chalet costs £12k a year to run????

You really need to sit down with DH in a calm manner. Have a list of pros and cons of the property.

Do the maths - over 10 years this will cost you £40,000. You will likely use it one week in winter and a couple in summer st most. You still have to pay to get there and pay for food and activities.

For £4K a year you could have .

Suggest his sisters buy him out st the current offer price. They only have to find 1/6 of the price each and they could pay over 2 years of something if they needed.

Let him blame it on you if he's embarrassed about not being able to afford it.

But what kind of an idiot agrees to spending £4k of family money per year on a shitty holiday home? He's a right twat for even thinking this was a good idea. Hate people with no backbone that don't do right by their immediate family for fear of 'looking bad' to parents or similar.

whois
"He can always blame you if he's embarrassed about not being able to afford it."
Again, what?! As I said at 09:22, that's pathetic (and unfair on the OP) and he should own it.

^^This. And it is in need of a make over too, apparently, so it's fit to be let.

Seriously OP, I'm generally one to advocate compromise but not in this case. Either the 3 parties go into it as a proper business venture (in which case lots of hard talking to be done about how business is going to run and whether it will even see a return), or no way.

YANBU at all. I'd go ballistic if my DH had committed us to something like this that we could ill afford and which would tie up any and all our spare money, meaning no savings and no other holidays. If it was me I'd tell him no way and either he rings his sisters to tell them or you will. He's massively overreached himself on this - and to the detriment of his family. It makes no sense at all.

I think this thread has presented three options to discuss with your DH, none of which is sucking it up and paying out the £4K period year.

1. Sell and split three ways
2. Have the sisters buy you and DH out for your dh's third
3. Fix it up and run it as a commercial venture using hopefully an agency in the local area that speaks the local language (this option is only viable if it makes financial sense i.e. Each sibling clears say £2k a year which you can use to contribute to your pension pot rather than each paying £4K per year).

Again, what?! As I said at 09:22, that's pathetic (and unfair on the OP) and he should own it.

Agreed AnotherEmma but someone who is week enough to agree to this, probably isn't strong enough to 'own it'. I do not find weak will an attractive quality in people.

He can't afford it so he needs to tell his sisters this and not share in the cost. He should have married a woman who works full time as I do etc and then he wouldn't have this problem but he didn't and he doesn't earn much himself either so he has to live with the consequences of those things.

His sisters could take it over and he could have a deal where he pays them for each holiday he takes there.

It makes no sense at all.

Yeah, it actually makes no sense. Has he said WHY he has done this?

If you can't afford pensions then you can't afford a share in a holiday home. You H needs to own his financial circumstances and not let pride mess with family finances.

He was incredibly disrespectful in making such a foolish commitment without prior discussion, If it were me, we'd have to communicate via NASA because I'd be in bloody orbit.

If you don't want or need it, whether you can afford it doesn't come into really does it? It's not like you are so wealthy that £4k pa is trivial pocket change.

Unless there is an investment value - is it somewhere where property prices are rising strongly?

I don't really see the point of holiday homes abroad for most normal working people who can only get there for a couple of weeks once or twice a year unless you can rent it out to cover the costs for the rest of the time. Wouldn't you just rent somewhere yourself instead.

"He should have married a woman who works full time as I do etc and then he wouldn't have this problem but he didn't"

WTF Eustace?! The OP may well have been working when she met and married her husband. They probably made a joint decision for her to be a SAHM when the children were born. And it's not her fault that they "have this problem", it's her husband's fault for agree to something the family can't afford. As the OP has said, if she was working she wouldn't want to spend her earnings on a ridiculously expensive holiday home they don't like, anyway.

Given your attitude to SAHPs I don't think MN is the place for you. Most of us respect each parent's choice and contribution whether that is through paid work or child-rearing.

I think he should say he's not interested in retaining a share of the property and see if his sisters will buy him out. Or just relinquish his share, perhaps FiL could even things up in his will if he does that?

What a pathetic thing to say eustace you should be embarrassed to feel so judgemental let alone openly expressing it. The OP is doing an incredibly valuable job for the family, doesn't matter if she works to earn a wage or works to look after the family, she's bloody contributing!

How will you decide who gets use of the place and when? Are you all likely to be wanting the school holidays in a couple of years? How will you decide who gets priority?

Will the PILs be allowed to stay whenever they want, seeing as they've given their house away for nothing? Will they have a say in any works and rentals? Are PILs really willing to sign over the house to their children for free? Don't the siblings feel bad about that? What if the PILs need money later, especially in case of, say, long life in care home or one of them getting dementia or such like and needing lots of expensive care? Would you all sell the property and give them the cash?

Who is going to hold this £4k per year and decide what to spend it on? Will anyone have the right of veto? How will you know if has been well spent? There will likely be a lot of general management and upkeep stuff. Who will be responsible for that? Will they get the right to just bloody get on with it or will they have to get agreement from everyone before buying a new towel hook? What about, say, full redecoration, or leaking taps, or choosing the insurance, or choosing the paint colour?

If money were tight and your DH wanted to rent it out for a bit, which weeks a year would be OK? Who would have to agree? Who would organise it? Would that person get a bigger slice of the profit?

How many free holidays for mates will you each have and how will they be scheduled? What happens if one of the friends takes the piss or damages the place?

What happens if the £4k isn't spent? What happens if there are additional expenses?

How would any of the siblings sell on their share if they wanted out for some reason? Will all siblings be named as equal owners on the legals? Property and inheritance law can be very very different in other countries. Does he understand how it works there? Do you have your own local lawyer over there?

Is there any one sibling or parent who is the main driver behind this scheme?

Is it really as bad as all that OP? Of you don't like skiing could you visit in the summer? Lots of ski places are great for walking when there's no snow and still have great facilities.

I'd hold off making the decision to offload it now. Sure, when the kids are teeny you might not get the full benefit but there'll be years when your own holiday home will be great, especially when you're limited to taking holidays in the school hols.

It does sound a teeny bit like you're throwing a wobbly because you don't like skiing.

Maybe tell him you can suck it up for the first year, but after that he needs to have a plan. At the very least he needs to be breaking even to make it worth while. And get a full breakdown of the costs, £12 to maintain a holiday home does sound excessive.

Terrific questions by RunRabbit there.

Runrabbit 's questions are excellent.

I think siblings in very different financial positions owning a shared holiday home is almost inevitably going to be a minefield. There has to be an extraordinary level of good will and financial flexibility unless there are very firm guidelines agreed (and ideally put into the form of a legal contract) from the start. Otherwise there is so much scope for resentment from all parties over different priorities/ budgets/ opinions/ assumptions/expectations etc. Etc.

Maintaining a house abroad, unless you have friends or are prepared to pay a management company, is very hard work. Especially if there are three sets of people involved instead of one. I wouldn't voluntarily sign up for this and definitely not for 4k a year, given you could ski for 2 weeks somewhere cheaper for this, without the running costs/stress/cleaning/maintenance issues.

It does sound a teeny bit like you're throwing a wobbly because you don't like skiing.
It's all about the 'my little family' thing. You're objecting because your DH wants to take part fully in his family's life. Why don't you give it a year and see how it goes.

derxa what? Of course it's not "my little family" to think that husband and wife should discuss a 4 thousand pound per year ongoing financial commitment when such a commitment will significantly impact them for the foreseeable future, meaning they cannot afford to choose a holiday destination other than a run down non child friendly house in a location unsuited to their children's ages and the OP's tastes in holiday activities.