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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - DD in a relationship with older, married man

114 replies

louisesmum · 19/04/2016 17:51

Hello everyone, I used to frequent the Mumsnet forums many moons ago when my DD was much younger. Not sure if there's any old faces still remaining on here and I've tried to catch up with the new lingo, however, we shall see.

Last week I learnt from my daughter (19) that she had been seeing married man in his forties (someone my own age). She only admitted this as I had heard from a mututal friend that they had been spotted together and I was completely unaware of the situation. I confronted her - naturally - and warned her off and reminded her of the damage that extramarital affairs can do. She's 19 and obviously is able to make her own decisions, however, I cannot seem to make her see sense. She is unhappy to be 'a bit on the side' as they say and is convinced that she and this man have a future together. I don't know who he is, though I have heard that he's got two children of his own from a previous relationship when he was younger. They live with him and the eldest is only a few years younger than DD.

My partner (DD's stepfather), seems to think that I am being unreasonable by pressing the matter but I cannot stand to see her heart broken. The whole situation has led to sleepless night for me and my own stepchildren asked my OH about the situation as they had picked up that something was wrong between me and my DD. My OH's response was to say I was "just being a protective mum" but I was "being silly really".

I know that this will end in tears for my DD but my OH seems convinced I should let it play out. I've already expressed clear disapproval yet she seems happy to remain with this man. I'm at a complete loose end as I debate whether or not I should try and intervene.

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 22/04/2016 00:04

Ok so until your brain matures at 25 you shouldn't take responsibility for your actions?

SpiritedLondon · 22/04/2016 00:08

I don't see what mortgages and jobs have got to do with affairs of the heart. The heart wants what the heart desires. The fact that someone else wouldn't fall for a married man or finds it immoral is completely beside the point. I'm afraid that relationships are not all black & white, they are varying shades of grey. However much you dislike the choice that this girl has made, reference to her morals ( without reference to the man's morals) is typical of the way that some people choose to demonise women. Let's hope she extracts herself from the situation soon before lots of people are hurt.

KindDogsTail · 22/04/2016 00:37

Ok so until your brain matures at 25 you shouldn't take responsibility for your actions?

The actions will have consequences and she will have to take the consequences. There is no way out if the responsibility in the end. That is why her mother is so worried.

The point is that some people were blaming her rather than the much older man. She is still just emerging from being a teenager, the married man with a family on the other hand is her mother's age.

This knowledge about how the teenage brain grows is relatively new.

tobysmum77 · 22/04/2016 07:16

What sort of man in his 40s has a bit on the side/girlfriend who is a teenager? The red flags are out in force for me immediately. What a horrible situation to be in.

Solina · 22/04/2016 07:32

I feel sorry for the wife and kids. However, I would suggest you try and be supportive of her choices as you have already told her your opinion and how you think it will play out and she didnt care. You should also be there when it all goes wrong (and it will). If not you might end up losing her and to me that its the worst option that could happen.

Really hope that the wife finds out though. She should ltb.

oliviaclottedcream · 22/04/2016 08:17

The only thing we can be sure of (90% sure of anyway) is that it will end in tears. I just hope the OP's daughter emerges stronger and wiser as a result. Is all this quibbling about who is morally culpable, helping you OP?

KittyKrap · 22/04/2016 08:31

When I was 19 I was involved with a man who was 40. He'd been separated for about 10 minutes. I had a crappy home life and had recently been dumped so the stability of an older man with a decent car was nice - I was extremely selfish then. My friends were horrified and would laugh at what he could possibly look like naked (wrinkled Todger as I recall!). We were together for a few years but the age difference really grated, I grew up before my time and a man in a cardi just doesn't do it for me.

Sorry, not much advice but the age gap will show. If he does leave to be with her is she ready to be a stepmum? To little ones? I wasn't. Is she prepared to possibly be a step-grandma in her 30s? Men do NOT age like a fine wine, apart from Hollywood. And my DH now! She is throwing her fun years away.

jellyjiggles · 22/04/2016 08:32

Horrible situation for you all to be in. Yes she's 19 but that's not old enough to know about these things.

YANBU at being disappointed in her choices. She is damaging a whole family including children simply because of her own wants. This is selfish an immature. I doubt you can stop it without blowing the whistle on him. It's an option but a very messy one.

We all know how these things tend to play out op. Sadly their is little you can do other than express your views of how upset you are with her and how the wider picture involves a whole family being hurt due to her and his actions. How she needs to consider his family and children over herself. It will make very little difference though.

Let her known you'll be there when she inevitably gets heartbroken but your not happy with her choices. Does she know he won't chose her when it all falls apart?

As for him . I'd be seriously annoyed! Not only is he a cheat he's also messing your daughter about! The term hung drawn and quartered springs to mind

NeverNic · 22/04/2016 13:30

Looking back, I made many dubious decisions at 19, especially when it came to men. I was very lucky not to have got hurt or suffer any real consequences from my actions. While I wasn't involved with a married man, I certainly did dally with unavailable ones and ridiculously unsuitable ones. Actually found this made me feel like love was a made up concept - a game that I was taking part in. It was only when I met my now husband I 'grew up' or more accurately 'grew out' of it. I settled down quite young - mortgage at 23 but my head was a million miles away from where I was four years before.

OP - I think it's worth reminding her that real love should be celebrated, not hidden. If you're someone's secret, then it isn't true or real. Invite him round, ask her questions, ask where she thinks they will be in a years time. Act interested, she will soon realise what a shit situation she's in.

Lostatseed · 22/04/2016 13:42

OP, I had an affair with a married man when I was 19. I wasn't in love with him though and didn't envisage any kind of future together.

I wonder if your DD actually does see a future together considering she didn't actually tell you about him freely and only told you after she'd be spotted.

Let her know you think she's being used, let her know it's very unlikely they'll have a future, let her know she could do loads better than him but, ultimately, let her live her life and be there for her when it all falls apart.

NeverNic · 22/04/2016 13:51

You make a good point Lotsa. My moments with unavailable men were not because I loved them. I didn't take responsibility for my actions, as I felt it was his decision to cheat not mine. I never really viewed having a future with them, and I distanced myself from the consequences. I certainly didn't believe it was love. I behaved like that because I enjoyed myself, and felt my behaviour was excusable because I wasn't the one cheating. For all you know op she may be calling it that to make herself / you feel better. Obviously I appreciate now what my behaviour was but I really didn't have the inclination or understanding at that age. Yes I was an adult, with a job, healthcare, pension - but I did not have the emotional intelligence or awareness of other people. I was very self absorbed

VestalVirgin · 22/04/2016 14:43

She is damaging a whole family including children simply because of her own wants.

No, she is not. The man she is involved with is damaging his family. Sure, it would be better if she refused to assist him in his cheating, but the truth is that he'd likely find another woman to cheat on his wife with.

Look, I know it is tempting to blame women for their lack of loyalty to their own sex, but unless we are planning to really treat men as mindless beasts (which would mean to lock them up in zoos) we need to hold them responsible for their own actions.

I detest this brand of double-think, where you think of men as wild beasts who cannot be hold responsible for their actions because they have no brains and no impulse control ... and yet submit to them in professional and private life.

Either men are intelligent human beings, or they are not. Make your choices.

SwearyKnickers · 22/04/2016 18:54

At 19 I had never had a serious relationship, certainly not anything like a marriage with children. I'd have had no clue what the wife was dealing with. And I personally was still "falling" for guys in a very young/crushy sort of way. If I had found someone I was totally besotted with at 19 who turned out to be married I'd have probably thought it was fate and gone along with it. I wouldn't now but that's the benefit of being in a long marriage that would be destroyed by infidelity and not being quick to 'fall' anymore.

SwearyKnickers · 22/04/2016 18:55

He's a creeping wanker though.

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