Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU - DD in a relationship with older, married man

114 replies

louisesmum · 19/04/2016 17:51

Hello everyone, I used to frequent the Mumsnet forums many moons ago when my DD was much younger. Not sure if there's any old faces still remaining on here and I've tried to catch up with the new lingo, however, we shall see.

Last week I learnt from my daughter (19) that she had been seeing married man in his forties (someone my own age). She only admitted this as I had heard from a mututal friend that they had been spotted together and I was completely unaware of the situation. I confronted her - naturally - and warned her off and reminded her of the damage that extramarital affairs can do. She's 19 and obviously is able to make her own decisions, however, I cannot seem to make her see sense. She is unhappy to be 'a bit on the side' as they say and is convinced that she and this man have a future together. I don't know who he is, though I have heard that he's got two children of his own from a previous relationship when he was younger. They live with him and the eldest is only a few years younger than DD.

My partner (DD's stepfather), seems to think that I am being unreasonable by pressing the matter but I cannot stand to see her heart broken. The whole situation has led to sleepless night for me and my own stepchildren asked my OH about the situation as they had picked up that something was wrong between me and my DD. My OH's response was to say I was "just being a protective mum" but I was "being silly really".

I know that this will end in tears for my DD but my OH seems convinced I should let it play out. I've already expressed clear disapproval yet she seems happy to remain with this man. I'm at a complete loose end as I debate whether or not I should try and intervene.

OP posts:

juneau · 19/04/2016 19:04

You've made your feelings clear OP. She's 19, so legally she's an adult and there's not much more you can do. I'd avoid haranguing her if you want her to open up to you and tell you more about this man. She will get her heart broken and hopefully it will be a lesson for her, but at 19 I doubt she's going to listen to you if she's convinced that its love and he's the one for her. Bide your time. Stand back and be there to pick up the pieces. You don't have to condone it, but equally try not to fall out with her over it.

WellErrr · 19/04/2016 19:12

And if you (as an adult) feel that it's ok to condemn a teenager for those bad choices I really hope your children are perfect in every way.

Not at all.
But I believe you can condemn the choices without condemning the child.

I remember being a 19 year old. I knew then that fucking married 40 year olds was wrong, same as I know it now. I think excusing and understanding would be a terrible error now.

BoatyMcBoat · 19/04/2016 19:17

She is going to be heart broken at some point, whether it's this man or another. The thing here is that he is married and she is complicit in the deceit meted out to his dw, and the hurt which will impact on his children's lives. However, she is 19 and can do as she pleases, and you will push her further into his arms if you try to lecture her. You're on the right path, waiting until your own reaction to this news has calmed, and then talking to her about your own hurt. I doubt that she'll dump him as a result, but you'll have done everything you can.

As long as she knows you're there, and can come to you when it all goes tits up, then that's about all you can do.

SoupDragon · 19/04/2016 19:21

I would make it quite clear how utterly disgusted I was with her if she was my DD. Having been dumped by my XH for another woman, I could not tolerate it at all.

Salene · 19/04/2016 19:27

I remember being 19
I thought I knew everything and no one would tell me what to do. OP don't try and force her to break up with him as it will likely have opposite effect if she was anything like me

To be honest I don't think there is much you can do, personally I lay most the blame at this mans door, he should no better , at 19 you are a adult but not exactly very grown up. He will be filling her head with bullshit and she will most likely lap it all up

All you can do is point out how much she could destroy another persons life, and how would she feel if she was married and husband was cheating blah blah but to be honest I doubt it will do any good

Just let it run its course she will hopefully see the light soon enough and the man will crawl back under the rock he appeared from.

And when it does go pear shaped she gets a shock, just hope she learns from the error of her ways and won't put herself into this sort of postion again. That's all you can do I think.

Crabbitface · 19/04/2016 19:28

I remember being 19 too and if my mum threw me out of my home because of a morally dubious decision I would never have trusted her again or forgiven her. Parents can express anger and disappointment without making their children homeless.

YvaineStormhold · 19/04/2016 19:28

Oh, here we go...

sheilabook1111 · 19/04/2016 19:30

Added to which - he's the one who is married. He is the one responsible for his wife and children. Let's not excuse him by saying she's an evil temptress hmm
happy mother's day 2016

MarianneSolong · 19/04/2016 19:30

"Whoever is without sin among you, let she be the first to cast a stone at her."

Queenie73 · 19/04/2016 19:32

Condemning her behaviour will more than likely make her more determined to keep hold of him. I'm sure she knows how you feel about adultery, so all you can do is keep the lined of communication open and try to maintain some sort of relationship.
When it all comes crashing down around her ears she will need you and when she sees him for what he is, she needs to be able to come to you for help putting her life back together.
Some people can learn by other people's mistakes and take advice, but others need to make their own mistakes and feel the pain for themselves.
Of course she's an adult, but she is still very young and it does sound like this man knows exactly what to say to convince her that they are Romeo and Juliet and the rest of the world is just jealous of their lurve.

Cabrinha · 19/04/2016 19:34

Time to take their relationship seriously.
Tell her that it's not what you would have chosen for her, what with him being older and married - but if that's her choice, he's one of the family.
And tell her he's expected round for tea on Saturday night. 😈
Let's see how committed he is to being part of her life and her family.
Especially when you ask him how the divorce is going.

Cabrinha · 19/04/2016 19:36

And instead of pushing her to drop him, I'd tell her to push him to drop his wife.
This is not cruel to his wife - she's better off out of it.
Support her being with him, and let her see for herself how he's choosing to stay with his wife.
What an arsehole he is.

CadburysTastesVileNow · 19/04/2016 19:40

Maybe you could suggest to her that she, he and his wife sit down together to break the news. I mean, if he loves her, he'll do just that.

As if ...

MarianneSolong · 19/04/2016 19:46

For what it's worth. One of the three children I brought up is going out with - and engaged to - a suitable, not otherwise attached, high-earning, respectable, hard working young man.

I can't stand him. But it's her choice not mine. They make their own choices.

Some of the choices that seem 'wrong' may turn out right. Some of the ones that appear 'right' turn out wrong. The odds in some cases seem more heavily stacked against lasting mutual love.

(But then to find lasting mutual love at 19 may not be what's required - even if older teenagers do get involved in some - faintly childlike - game of Happy Ever After..)

Etainagain · 19/04/2016 19:50

I'm not sure how I'd react to this news. At 19, she is still very young IMO and if it was my daughter, selfish as it sounds, my main concern would be to protect her. Although I know that the sensible thing would be to listen to her and keep the lines of communication open and support her when it all goes wrong (which it inevitably will), I know that I'd probably find it almost impossible to keep my mouth shut. I'm sure I'd totally lose my rag. I feel for you OP, this is a horrible situation.

Etainagain · 19/04/2016 19:52

I quite like Cabrinha's idea of inviting him round for tea!

CaptainCrunch · 19/04/2016 19:52

WellErr do you actually have any dc? I fear for them, one poor decision and you would apparently drop them like a stone.

Queenie73 · 19/04/2016 20:01

Cabrinha you make an excellent point. My mother ended a couple of my very unsuitable relationships by being very enthusiastic, inviting them round for tea, and generally making me see that they were just really awful in contrast to her niceness.
there are few things less sexy than a man your mother likes!

GrandmaJosephine · 19/04/2016 20:03

I would back right off now that you've made your opinion clear. At 19 I was deeply in love with a very nice young man who my mother felt was totally wrong for me. She was not shy about telling me so! (I lived away).

A year later I decided she was right but stayed with him for a while longer just because her comments annoyed me so!

I realise there is another family here but unfortunately there's nothing you can do to stop it.

vichill · 19/04/2016 20:03

Having been the naive immature 19 year old in a relationship with a mildly abusive middle aged man i think a bit of intervention is needed. Some mild chipping away at the illusion she has will be useful until she events finally force things and she realises what a despicable man he is.

specialsubject · 19/04/2016 20:05

all you can do is point out the obvious;

that he is almost certainly having sex with the wife too (and there may even be more girlfriends...)
that if he can do this to his wife, he'll do it to his next wife ('marry the mistress, create a vacancy..')
that if it was 'real' he would pause the relationship until he and his wife have separated.

make sure she is doubled up on her contraception/disease prevention; and that's all you can practically do.

Maryz · 19/04/2016 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaintMyBag · 19/04/2016 20:51

I think your daughter is being judged quite harshly. 19 is easily manipulated by a man old enough to be her father. Actually as he has a daughter near her age he will be very capable of it.

She is also playing at morality, she doesn't understand what it's like to be married to someone and for them to be the father of your children.

And to be fair, that's not her problem. This guy is a sleazy piece o shit. He's playing his wife and he;s playing her.

TaintMyBag · 19/04/2016 20:54

Ask her how she will enjoy playing happy families to a child not much younger than herself if his wife finds out.

SabineUndine · 19/04/2016 20:55

I think this is a mistake she has to make for herself. Start practising now, not saying 'I told you so' for when it all comes apart, which it will.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5