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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DD in a relationship with older, married man

114 replies

louisesmum · 19/04/2016 17:51

Hello everyone, I used to frequent the Mumsnet forums many moons ago when my DD was much younger. Not sure if there's any old faces still remaining on here and I've tried to catch up with the new lingo, however, we shall see.

Last week I learnt from my daughter (19) that she had been seeing married man in his forties (someone my own age). She only admitted this as I had heard from a mututal friend that they had been spotted together and I was completely unaware of the situation. I confronted her - naturally - and warned her off and reminded her of the damage that extramarital affairs can do. She's 19 and obviously is able to make her own decisions, however, I cannot seem to make her see sense. She is unhappy to be 'a bit on the side' as they say and is convinced that she and this man have a future together. I don't know who he is, though I have heard that he's got two children of his own from a previous relationship when he was younger. They live with him and the eldest is only a few years younger than DD.

My partner (DD's stepfather), seems to think that I am being unreasonable by pressing the matter but I cannot stand to see her heart broken. The whole situation has led to sleepless night for me and my own stepchildren asked my OH about the situation as they had picked up that something was wrong between me and my DD. My OH's response was to say I was "just being a protective mum" but I was "being silly really".

I know that this will end in tears for my DD but my OH seems convinced I should let it play out. I've already expressed clear disapproval yet she seems happy to remain with this man. I'm at a complete loose end as I debate whether or not I should try and intervene.

OP posts:
Janecc · 19/04/2016 21:20

Oh dear your poor DD, its bound to end in tears. It's so sad for his wife and children. What caibrinia said was genius - a good bit of reverse psychology.

KindDogsTail · 21/04/2016 11:11

Oh please don't paint her as some poor , innocent, naive lost woman who's being taken advantage of by the big bad man. She knows full well what she's doing and doesn't really care.

I just saw this and am shocked. I9 is still very young when dealing with someone so very much older.

Yes, she is certainly doing something wrong, but it the man who is behaving in a vile way and will not only wreck his family's life but take years from this young woman's who has probably hardly left school.

It is now known that
The rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed and won't be until he or she is 25 years old or so.

www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=3051

theday.co.uk/science/research-finds-a-screw-loose-in-teenage-brains

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 21/04/2016 11:17

Invite him round for dinner.

KindDogsTail · 21/04/2016 11:21

Yes, like Caprinha said.

Less of the romantic cloak and dagger/star crossed lovers.

UptownFunk00 · 21/04/2016 13:20

Why is the woman getting all the blame here? Sure it's a dubious choice and I'd make my opinion clear but newsflash - he's the one in a relationship!

Her responsibility is to herself and her family, his should be his family.

She could've said no and should have but he's the one married - I can't see how that's the DDs responsibility.

Also we don't know that he didn't tell her straight away and by the time she found out she thought she was 'in love'.

I'd watch from the sidelines OP. Let her know you are there for her to talk if she needs you but that tell her there are these things to consider:

  1. would she want another woman to knowingly be with her partner and
  2. if he cheats on his wife he'll probably cheat on her, too.
Uncoping · 21/04/2016 13:25

Haven't read the full post, but, 19 is old enough to know you're being a dick by messing with a married man.
The man is also a dick, for cheating on his poor wife.
You have to let this one ride out I'm afraid. She'll be totally convinced it's love and will soon realise it's not when he kicks her to curb in favour of his wife & children.
It's a life lesson, and one she hopefully won't make again.

Saying that, if my daughter was doing something like that I'd be furious.
I'd heavily consider going to the wife and apologising for my daughters minging actions & letting the man hopefully lose everything.

scaryteacher · 21/04/2016 13:49

Agree 19 is old enough to know what you are doing; if I knew that at 19, 21 years ago, then she should too. However, she may well be counting the world wel lost fo love.

I have a 20 yo ds, and would be giving him rocks if he was involved with someone married, as I watched my parents marriage fall apart to my Dad's adultery, but I would be equally clear that I would be here for him.

SpiritedLondon · 21/04/2016 14:08

Well there are some brutal opinions on here. I think if you're reading this as a person in your 30s or 40s or older then you are able to look at this issue with the benefit of lots of experience that a 19 year old doesn't have. Of course this girl is not doing the right thing but actually she isn't married to anyone and she hasn't made any vows. We have no idea of his situation so we can only make presumptions about what his intentions are. Maybe he will leave his wife and maybe not. Maybe your DD will be bored of him in a couple of months or maybe she'll persevere for months in the vain hope that they'll be together. I certainly have been the " other woman" ( sometimes unwittingly and sometimes not) and I managed to find all sorts of rationale for my behaviour. Luckily I grew up and gained a better perspective. You've made your feelings clear OP and I'm afraid that's all you can do ( and be there to pick up the pieces).

SpiritedLondon · 21/04/2016 14:10

Ps If my mother had gone and interfered - eg by speaking to the mans wife I would never have spoken to her again.

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/04/2016 14:17

Has she thought about the future if they do get together and the ex decides to give full custody of the children to your dds Bf. Knew someone who did this when her dh met and moved in with a young girl. Within 3 months the new starry eyed girlfriend had moved out and the dh was left looking after 3 children as the wife decided to join the army.
How will she cope with 2 young children, presume they are only youngish and whatever career she has going as well as everything else that living in a relationship brings.

Personally I think she isn't looking at a long term relationship but probably a bit of fun and not thinking about the consequences.

Uncoping · 21/04/2016 14:18

Can I just say - I'm 22.
Really not that far off 19 (or so I like to think) and this would never have been something I would have engaged in, based purely on the fact I have half-decent morals and wouldn't like to have been the cause of a pain to a woman and children I don't know/don't deserve that kind of treatment.

oliviaclottedcream · 21/04/2016 14:30

Maybe we should reserve judgement on all concerned for a second here? We don't know the parties involved, the background, the situation - fully, How can we judge who the bad, immoral one is, or who to feel sorry for?

I go with the consensus here OP. Don't intervene! I know every sinew in your body is dying to put an end to it, because you're wise and experienced enough to know that this will inevitably, end in tears. If you're seen to have forced the break up, she and/or he'll blame you. Let it run out and it will....

Hope no one emerges too damaged from this. I'm sure when the break up happens, your DD will get back on her feet swiftly. In time she'll look back on it with a bit of a shudder.

Salene · 21/04/2016 16:07

Uncoping teenagers can be very different in levels of maturity

Just because you had a sensible head at 19 don't mean another 19 year old will have

At the end of the day a teenager is still a teenager and not very mature in the grand scheme of things

This man is to blame here not the girl.

Janecc · 21/04/2016 20:22

Just to put some perspective on here, I've just watched the second in the 3 Ross Kemps Britain. The one on child sexual exploitation. There was a young man on there groomed at 19 years old by older men. This young woman is 19 and probably lapping up what this scumbag is saying. The circumstances are very different I know and I wanted to give a direct age comparison. As a pp said, the rational part of her brain is still developing (which I understand makes young adults more narcissistic) and though some 19 yr olds are very mature, others are not.

SisterMoonshine · 21/04/2016 20:33

Is that her real name?

VestalVirgin · 21/04/2016 20:52

Make sure she uses (knows she should use) condoms and one other method of contraception.
Remind her that the way this man behaves towards his wife is likely the way he will treat her.

Wait.

Keep cool about the whole thing, as others said, opposing the relationship might only make her more loyal to him in the long run. It's not as if you can do anything, anyway.

Rebecca2014 · 21/04/2016 20:55

I be so ashamed if my daughter did this and lol at the, poor daughter comments. This an grown woman and she knows exactly what she is doing.

Salene · 21/04/2016 21:02

Rebecca 2014

A 19 year old is not a grown woman she is a teenager.

pearlylum · 21/04/2016 21:18

salene, I'm not so sure. At 19 I had a mortgage, a husband, job, car.

Salene · 21/04/2016 21:19

Regardless you were still a teenager,

NineTEEN.

pearlylum · 21/04/2016 21:25

salene I was a grown women at 19.

At what age does a girl become a woman?

Salene · 21/04/2016 21:27

25 as pointed out above when then brain is fully developed

RavioliOnToast · 21/04/2016 21:59

I reckon you can't do anything about it, actually. She's old enough to make her own mistakes. It's up to you if you're there for the fallout...

pearlylum · 21/04/2016 22:03

salene there are plenty of 30 year old idiots.

Janecc · 21/04/2016 22:21

My mother thought she was a grown woman at 19 and berates this infantilising of young women. The sorry point is that she still isn't a grown up and she's in her 70's. Im in my 40's and I'm going to counselling to learn all the stuff I should have been taught as a child. My mother still doesn't know any of this and sadly doubtless never will. She's s narcissist and has many characteristics of a toddler. Perhaps you'd like to make note of that pearlylum because your comments whether intended or not sound a lot like hers.

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