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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DD in a relationship with older, married man

114 replies

louisesmum · 19/04/2016 17:51

Hello everyone, I used to frequent the Mumsnet forums many moons ago when my DD was much younger. Not sure if there's any old faces still remaining on here and I've tried to catch up with the new lingo, however, we shall see.

Last week I learnt from my daughter (19) that she had been seeing married man in his forties (someone my own age). She only admitted this as I had heard from a mututal friend that they had been spotted together and I was completely unaware of the situation. I confronted her - naturally - and warned her off and reminded her of the damage that extramarital affairs can do. She's 19 and obviously is able to make her own decisions, however, I cannot seem to make her see sense. She is unhappy to be 'a bit on the side' as they say and is convinced that she and this man have a future together. I don't know who he is, though I have heard that he's got two children of his own from a previous relationship when he was younger. They live with him and the eldest is only a few years younger than DD.

My partner (DD's stepfather), seems to think that I am being unreasonable by pressing the matter but I cannot stand to see her heart broken. The whole situation has led to sleepless night for me and my own stepchildren asked my OH about the situation as they had picked up that something was wrong between me and my DD. My OH's response was to say I was "just being a protective mum" but I was "being silly really".

I know that this will end in tears for my DD but my OH seems convinced I should let it play out. I've already expressed clear disapproval yet she seems happy to remain with this man. I'm at a complete loose end as I debate whether or not I should try and intervene.

OP posts:
Original poster
louisesmum · 19/04/2016 18:24

Knowing what it is like to be cheated on makes it harder for me. She herself was only a child when a long-term relationship of mine broke down so I know how difficult it can be to explain these situations to a child whilst nursing your own broken heart.

She is my daughter and I love her unconditionally. I do accept that I perhaps need to take a step back from the situation and be there for her no matter what.

I don't think she's outwardly immoral. She's a young girl who thinks she's in love. Through my eyes the only victims in this is man's wife and the children, my DD does know what she is doing is wrong but I think she's blinded by love.

OP posts:
FatPaul · 19/04/2016 18:25

They're both choosing to fuck each other so they're both to blame and eventually they'll both be caught.

Maryz · 19/04/2016 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummymeister · 19/04/2016 18:27

at the end of the day she is still your daughter - poor relationship choice or not. you cannot throw her out - that would be throwing her into his arms further.

personally, I would be having a word with the married man and tell him my views in no uncertain terms.

a 19 year old may be an adult but some can be very naïve. just think that even at 19 our kids need a bit of help and guidance.

CaptainCrunch · 19/04/2016 18:30

I don't think posting on aibu was a good move op. No one is interested in giving you advice, they just want to bang on about your DD being "disgusting" and "immoral". The level of frothing is quite remarkable.

I would ensure your DD knows all the downsides of being the OW and that whilst you strongly disapprove you are her mum and will always be her safe place to fall as she inevitably will.

Keep out of it as much as you can, the last thing you want is to make this sorry shit of a "man" appear glamorous and unattainable.

Original poster
louisesmum · 19/04/2016 18:30

jip123. I am very sorry to hear that you have found yourself in such a terrible situation, I have been there myself and I know how hard it is. Sending you big virtual hugs and kisses!

AmberFool she is a student attending our local university, all I know from the mutual friend (of mine and my daughter's, we attend Zumba classes together and she used to work alongside my DD) is that he is older. It was my DD who told me that he was married (... after assuming I already knew, hence the confronation). I know nothing else about him.

The age gap was my initial concern, the fact he was married sent me into overdrive.

OP posts:
FloweryTwat · 19/04/2016 18:31

Maryz is right, she doesn't have the life experience not to believe the "she hates me" "she's horrible to me" "we sleep in separate rooms" "i'm only there for the kids".

He is worthy of vitriol. She will be learning a very hard lesson in the next couple of months, particularly as she sees this as loves young dream. I imagine that will be enough to stop her doing it again. If she does then yes, she is a fool.

BeatrixBurgund · 19/04/2016 18:32

Teenagers make bad choices. This is nothing new, and it can actually be explained by neuroscience.

There's a good chance that she'll look back on this in a few years and be thoroughly ashamed of herself. And I'm not totally absolving her of blame. It doesn't help to make the OP feel worse though, does it?

liberatedwine · 19/04/2016 18:33

My friend's daughter was in a relationship with a 36 year old when she was 17. The bloke was her college bus driver and really inadequate with women of his own age. He wasn't married though and the relationship did end when she met someone of her own age who wanted to go to festivals and party holidays with her.

A much older man with a teenage girlfriend has issues, I don't care what anyone says. An ego boost maybe? Either way it will all end in tears and the 19 year old will need support, not condemnation.

waterrat · 19/04/2016 18:33

U could get this thread moved to Chat OP and you will get calmer snd more measured advice

CaptainCrunch · 19/04/2016 18:34

Glad to see some more measured posts coming through now.

Maryz · 19/04/2016 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 19/04/2016 18:39

I agree with Maryz and CaptainCrunch. I would be disappointed in my DD and let her know I was but I'd also make sure she really understood the repercussions of her actions. I'd sit her down and take her through every possible scenario right down to living happily ever after with her stepchildren coming for visits, her new man whinging about maintenance payments and then the joy of divorce proceedings.

RaeSkywalker · 19/04/2016 18:40

I don't think you can intervene, just be there when it falls apart. What she's doing isn't right but you run the risk of pushing her away if you carry on.

It must be really hard for you to watch this happen Sad

CaptainCrunch · 19/04/2016 18:41

The OP doesn't know who he is and there's no guarantee he's a tutor or anything else. She could have met him anywhere, online even.

sheezus1 · 19/04/2016 18:46

Maryz and CaptainCrunch

Could be the stepfather. The whole silly mummy approach raised eyebrows.

CaptainCrunch · 19/04/2016 18:48

Em, no.

Original poster
louisesmum · 19/04/2016 18:55

I am going to address things with her - more calmly - later on. I am going to tell her my own experience of being the betrayed party (she's old enough to remember), however, I'm going to make sure she knows that I am always going to be there for her even if I don't agree with her decisions.

I am going on a training course tomorrow so it should give us both breathing space. I realise now that there's probably very little I can do to change her way of thinking and I certainly can't split them up. I shall keep this thread updated and any more comments are welcome.

(With exception to immature and unfounded comments such as that sheezus1)

OP posts:
TrinityForce · 19/04/2016 18:56

I think most people have no idea what it is to have teenagers, not have them under their roof indeed...

Good luck with it, you'll need to get his full name somehow to report him if he is indeed abusing any position of authority (teacher/lecturer).

Maryz · 19/04/2016 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edwardsmum11 · 19/04/2016 18:59

Personally I believe it's the man at fault if it kills his marriage, not your daughter. She's not married, he is, and should keep it in his pants.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 19/04/2016 18:59

Unconditional love is unconditional.
I hope I'll always be there for my DD whatever happens.
She's only a couple of yrs younger than OP's DD - though I guess they grow up a fair bit between 17 and 19?
Anyhow, I'm surprised how many would take quite such a tough line, talking about throwing her out etc.
I'd blame the older man a lot more as some more recent posts have seen it, and probably talk to him about his relationship with my daughter!

Original poster
louisesmum · 19/04/2016 19:01

Maryz I am hoping if I address things calmly I will learn more about him from my DD herself. She's only ever had boyfriends of a similar age (give or take a year or two) so obviously I want to know why this man.

OP posts:
FuriousFate · 19/04/2016 19:03

She's 19. She can do what she wants. At 19, I lived half way across the world from my DM. She's not breaking up a family - he is.

PeppaIsMyHero · 19/04/2016 19:03

When I was 19 I went out with a 29 year old and seriously believed he would know a lot more than me about relationships because he was so much older than me. I was totally wrong (though he was single, no children so there was no one else to hurt) and I wonder whether she is thinking the same thing - trusting him to know the secrets to life that she's probably finding so baffling. If so, there is no telling her anything. Either way, this is going to go wrong and she will need you. I think you're plan is great - good luck.