To think that the mil was unreasonable in this situation?

[Dummykiss]

I know all of the people involved, although I am not directly involved, it has hit a nerve with me because mine has done this. I'm supposed to think the dil is the villain but I don't.

So, there's a man, I'll call him Bob. He's in his 50s and divorced with grown up children but had been living alone for a while. While living alone, his elderly mother who lives locally has a key and has let herself into his house regularly.

5 years ago he met a new girlfriend, I'll call her Joan. He asked Joan to move in and get married and they did and they've been married for 2 years.

Joan works full time and one day she came home from work to find elderly mil standing in the kitchen cooking. Joan asks what mil is doing in her house, things are said and she tells the mil not to let herself into her house again. I don't think Joan realised that the mil had been letting herself in.

Now the whole family have turned against Joan. Their opinion is that it s not Joan's house, as Bob owned it before he married her, and that she has no right to call it so, and that as mil has always let herself in, that shouldn't change. Now Bob is also not speaking to his mother, it's unclear why but the family have decided that Joan won't allow him.

Aprille why didn't they just change the locks. Might not have stopped mil being a psycho but it would've stopped her getting in their house!

Ijustwannadance they did change the locks after about a year of trying to civilly talk about it as they had been very close but by that stage a lot of the damage had been done. The funny thing is that they are a "walk in anytime" type of family and the rest of the family drop in regularly and she could have had that if she left the fucking curtains alone!

The last time I spoke to the MIL she was tearfully telling me how her DIL and mother were there throwing each other looks when she was allowed an afternoon with her grandchildren, and not allowed to have the kids by herself. I feel for her in a way, because I know she is hurting over this, and barely on speaking terms with her son, but I can understand why the DIL would not trust her as far as she could throw her, and why she might feel supervised visits are best.

It is sad but she only has herself to blame. How she ever thought going into someone's home and rearranging the place etc was acceptable is baffling though. Almost like she couldn't bear the thought of no longer being the dominant female in her son's life.

MIL's nose is out of joint because she had Bob's undivided attention for 50 years and now there is an upstart female in the way who needs put in her place. I would bet a months wages that, when questioned by Joan, MIL did some variation of "you are only his wife, I am his mother".

The rest of the family are acting as MIL's PR team as they are shiteing themselves about being written out of the will. The fact that MIL is using "The Will" as punishment speaks volumes about her character.

I have a relative who is eerily similar to the MIL. In fact, I would be concerned that Bob was actually my uncle if I wasn't fairly certain that my uncle was still single in his 50's thanks to the twisted behaviour of his darling mother.

Poor Joan.

Joan is not in the wrong. Nothing written has given the impression the mil is a sweet, doddery old lady. Quite the opposite, given she's written her son out of her will!

It does make you ask the question why Bob was divorced (The OP mentions he is divorced with adult children, so it's not as if MIL had gad 50 years of unfettered access to her son or maybe she did)

Did his ex finally decide she couldn't be bothered dealing with the MIL-from-hell?

Anyone in MILs position should know things changed once her son had someone living with him.

We don't know what Bob told his mother.

We don't know what Joan said to her mil (why hasn't she got a name, by the way?)

So we cannot make any sort of judgement about who's right or wrong.

She is definitely the type to think Joan isn't giving Bob enough hot meals

God forbid Bob, as an adult, should be capable of feeding himself.

Dil is definitely not wrong, is IS her fucking home! Mil probably a bit overbearing but if that's been the status quo then a tad harsh to yell at her because... This is Bob's bloody fault!

Bob is a manchild. Poor Joan

You need to buddy up with Joan
Joan needs to buy a burglar alarm with a movement sensor. And not give mil the shut off code

I missed the bit about the will. Yes, mil sounds a nightmare

To the person who asked, I didn't exactly stick up for Joan, what I said was that I could understand why Joan was upset at finding mil in her house, but that she should have been polite about it. I kind of just got the death stare and told that it's not her house anyway, he owned it long before Joan.

For clarification, the mil is not my mil. My mi is the daughter (Bobs sister).

I actually don't think mil or Joan are in the wrong here. Bob is in the wrong.

Mil was continuing to try and help Bob as she had done before.
Joan was trying to live with a bit of privacy in her home.

Bob should have been the one to say, hey mum, since I am now married and this is Joan's home as well, please would you ring the bell instead of using your key.

That said, both mil and Joan could have handled it better. Mil could have thought before helping in Joan's home and Joan could have had a quiet word with Bob and ask him to straighten things out with his mum, rather than telling mil not to let herself in.

But all of them sound like kids in a playground if they aren't speaking over this.

It is difficult to say too much without knowing if MIL had been asked not to let herself in anymore, or n othing was said & she assumed the Joan wouldn't mind.

But my goodness, what a reaction by the family!

I mean we are all different about this sort of thing, aren't we?

I can't imagine anything worse than people just walking in unannounced.

Or letting themselves in when both the occupiers are at work-what for?

Snoop around??

From that the family have decided it's not her house.

My IL have that attitude.

I saved the bulk of the deposit for our first house, did a large amount of maintenance and upkeep, did most of the leg work finding it and then selling it and most of the leg work finding the next one. It'a a joint mortgage and I'm on the house deeds. Yet IL talk about DH house and try and say it's not mine .

20 years plus of boundary enforcing - and we are usually okay though it still gets bloody annoying. Decisions we make they don't like and they'll blame me for .

They don't have a key to our house and it's locked or chained as MIL will just try the door without locking. Might be petty but I think it helps reinforce the idea they can't just barge in.

Dsis Dp mum changed their curtains and invite other family to stay long term wit them and then when in hospital giving birth she went in and rearranged all the furniture.

I can't image thinking I can just walk into some else's house without their permission to be there for that visits or knocking and waiting to be let in.

YANBU - I do think the MIL is in the wrong here. I'm not sure the IL family will every get it - though reminding them of MIL walking in with you both naked and not leaving could help with seeing it's not normal or polite behaviour the MIL is practising.

I actually think a key point is what Joan said "Good Lord, Mabel, what are you doing here?" Or "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU EVIL PEE SMELLING WITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I have a key to my best friends house for emergencies. I have an open invitation to walk in any time I like - go me! I have used this permission in the past... when our boiler broke down, DH and I went over to use the shower even though BF was at work, ditto when our oven broke down, I went over there to bake. (my house is shit!)

But my BF has just rented out a room to a lodger to make up the mortgage (was struggling as a single person) and now that someone else lives there, I wouldn't dream of just walking in. It's their right to be wandering around in their pants if they feel like it, and I totally respect that!

I suspect her DP Mum would have found fault with anyone calling her actions into questions - so even a polite Joan could have been in the wrong.

This woman is clearly used to behaving this way and the family see the behaviour as normal.

My ex's mother used to do this come into my house Hoover make the bed and rearrange my bathroom and kitchen. It was an invasion into my privacy and I'm on Joan's side with this. Mil should of known that when he got married that it wasn't appropriate to be letting herself in their home.