To think that the mil was unreasonable in this situation?

[Dummykiss]

I know all of the people involved, although I am not directly involved, it has hit a nerve with me because mine has done this. I'm supposed to think the dil is the villain but I don't.

So, there's a man, I'll call him Bob. He's in his 50s and divorced with grown up children but had been living alone for a while. While living alone, his elderly mother who lives locally has a key and has let herself into his house regularly.

5 years ago he met a new girlfriend, I'll call her Joan. He asked Joan to move in and get married and they did and they've been married for 2 years.

Joan works full time and one day she came home from work to find elderly mil standing in the kitchen cooking. Joan asks what mil is doing in her house, things are said and she tells the mil not to let herself into her house again. I don't think Joan realised that the mil had been letting herself in.

Now the whole family have turned against Joan. Their opinion is that it s not Joan's house, as Bob owned it before he married her, and that she has no right to call it so, and that as mil has always let herself in, that shouldn't change. Now Bob is also not speaking to his mother, it's unclear why but the family have decided that Joan won't allow him.

My Dad owns my current home and has a key, but would never just let himself in like that.

Bob should have told his mother not to continue just letting herself in from before his wife even moved in. MIL should have realised how inappropriate letting herself was and not done it.

The only person who seems to like Joan is Bob, out of the all of them. Bob probably had no idea his DM was popping round. Maybe she's getting a little forgetful or something? Seems a bit weird that in 5 years Joan has never come home or been home to find mil in situ.

Yes Betrand, even then. Because she should have dealt with the situation with Bob and Joan and not by involving the rest of the family; she's shown that she's just manipulative by writing Bob out of her will. Who does that to their own children?

The MIL was standing n the kitchen cooking. That suggests it was a one off, or the couple in question might have noticed their dinner regularly appearing out of the ether, seemingly cooked by supernatural means...
Maybe she just thought presenting them with a cooked meal was a nice thing to do. There's nothing to suggest she lets herself in all the time?

I know it's only half the story so difficult to judge, I don't know Bob and Joan that well but I do know the mil well. I was told the story exactly as I put in the op and from that I was expected to agree Joan is a cold heartless woman, stopping her dear elderly mil from letting herself in as she's always been allowed, coming between Bob and his mother and stopping Bob from seeing his mother.

I'm glad to see most people agree Joan isn't at fault (based on what we know), except for perhaps in her reaction.

I do worry I'll be the next Joan as I don't really tow the line.

I can understand slightly mil coming and cleaning/cooking for Bob when he was single but it's just weird going into someone else's home when they are not there and you haven't been invited.

I am afraid this should have been discussed when Bob and Joan got married, by the way my mum has a key and lets herself in from time to time. So Bob is at fault. Time for a nice all round chat, clear guidelines for all.

Why is mum letting herself in and cooking - for Bob? It needs some chatting to get to the bottom and clear the air but Bob needs to be peace-maker, IMHO.

As they have been married for two years clearly this hasn't happened before unless Bob had been passing off his mum's cooking as his own. It rings warning bells for me. Could the MIL be losing the place? This could be the early stages of dementia and if so the earlier it is picked up and treatment received the better. I fought long and hard to get the medical profession to acknowledge my mother needed help. Once she was started on medication deterioration halted. Wish I had realised the signs earlier.

I don't think it's possible to make any sort of decision about this when we don't know what Bob told his mother and what Joan said to the mil......

But if my dp flung his weight around and forbade me from letting my mother have a key to my house then I would not be at all impressed!

Invite Joan out for wine coffee and take flowers. It sounds as though you two need to become allies and support each other.

Well it's Joan's home. But it's also bobs. And if he is happy to have his mum coming in and out, he has as much right as Joan does to not like it.

This should have been settled between Joan and Bob.

While I would be like Joan and not happy about it. I would not have told my mil she can Not do this. I would have discussed with Bob why she thought it was ok. Before I did anything.

Missed the bit about the will.

There is clearly more to this.

But I still think it's Bobs fault

Why would she want/need to be there when they aren't though?

Doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?

The MIL is so wrong, obviously! Hate MILs who can't grasp that their son's homes are not there's to use as they please.

For the family saying "it's Bob's house because it had it before he married Joan" - the OP would be perfectly right to point out when they got married, he agreed to share everything with her, which would reasonably include his house.

For all we know, Joan has been annoyed at MIL coming in for some time, but this was the first time she found her, and cooking a whole meal is a big 'overstep' - it's not like she was just pottering. If she wanted to make Bob a meal, she was rather odd not to a) check Bob would want her to b) Bob and Joan didn't have plans to go out (and so not come home to eat said meal) and c) not to make it at her own house!!

You will get responses on here from all sorts of weird people who will try and tell you Joan is in the wrong as mil was allowed to let herself in before. Mumsnet seems to be that way unfortunately.

Actually the only person who should be given a bollocking here is
Bob. Why didn't he tell Joan that his mother had a key and let's herself in, poor woman would've no doubt had a nasty shock to come home to her marital home to find that her mil is cooking her her kitchen. So they are married? Therefore it doesn't matter if Bob owned the house before, he now shares it with his wife so it is their home. On that basis it is only courtesy to explain to her that somebody has a key and will be letting them self in as they please. The whole family have turned against Joan, wow what an understanding family who have a great concept of privacy and space.

I reckon that Bob has been letting his mum do the cleaning and cooking and telling Joan that he's doing it. I blame Bob. And Joan, if she "said things" to the mil, rather than just calmly finding out what was going in.

Anything could have happened here if poor Joan was not informed that her MIL could come in unannounced.
Bob and Joan could have been going at it like rabbits on the settee when the mil burst in.

FIL was a bit miffed when I wouldn't let them keep a key to my house but it's my house and choice.

Bob needs to be his own person and not be dictated too by any woman but own it if he is the one deciding to to talk to his mother and not Joan take the blame.

"Well as Bob and Joan are married it is her house, its a marital asset and she has as much right to it and claim over it as he has"

As bogeyface says ^^

I have a sneaky feeling that this is final straw that broke the camel's back. If Joan reacted very poorly, it's this or mil wouldn't see reason. Bob sounds like a bit of an idiot, sorry.

All the people blaming Bob, why do you he's not talking to his Mum? And, Why are none of the family interested in why he's not talking to her?

Bert

Joan asks what mil is doing in her house, things are said
Its clearly obvious MIL didn't respond with 'I thought it'd be lovely to cook you both a nice meal, sorry to startle you' or 'Bob said it'd be ok, he should have told you'. Because at that point it'd be back in Bob's court and words would be said in that direction. I'd imagine she said something else entirely and got an already startled Joan's back up. I imagine it also wasn't something particularly nice given Bob now apparently isn't talking to MIL. Would hazard a bet on something along the lines of 'well this isn't your house so I'll come in if I want'.

Did you stand up for Joan when everyone else was slagging her off and you thought it was unfair?

Or did you keep your mouth mostly shut for an easy life?

Yes, be concerned that you will be next.

Stand up for Joan. Do what is right, not what is easy. Maybe she will do the same for you when MIL turns on you.

I know a MIL like this. Freely let herself in to his house - he worked away for a month or two and then home for a month. He obviously was fine with it while he was gone They were very close. He started going out with someone, it became serious, and she moved in. MIL blithely continued as before, except would walk in on the GF without so much as a text that she was popping round or would do it while she was at work. I remember hearing her plans to redecorate their home, thinking WTF. She bought and changed curtains, or stuff for the kitchen. Would not listen when GF or her son asked her to back off and stop.

Words were had. MIL was defiant that she would NOT back down, bitched about her to all and sundry. Continued to let herself in and change around their home as she pleased, no matter now civilly she was asked. It was presented to me by the MIL pretty much exactly like your OP, and I did gently try to suggest that she should back of, but no, her mind was set. She caused absolute murder by refusing for years to back down or to bury the hatchett with his GF.

Fast forward a few years and they are pretty much NC. Her son and his GF (now wife) cut her off entirely, and now grandchildren are on the scene, and she gets supervised , rare visits. Her husband is welcome any time as is the rest of the family and its broken her heart to be kept at arms length, but she still cannot see that her bad behaviour, and her ongoing hatred of the DIL for 'turning her son against her' is contributing to it all. But her son has made it clear years ago that she was overstepping and warned her that it would lead to estrangement.

Like your MIL, she's done a good job on the PR and re-written history in her mind. For what it's worth, MIL in your case is out of order. Likely the others are nodding in agreement to keep the peace and avoid being written out of the will too.

never once have I felt the need to go to my daughters house and cook her tea. How bizzare.