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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that the mil was unreasonable in this situation?

118 replies

Dummykiss · 17/04/2016 14:34

I know all of the people involved, although I am not directly involved, it has hit a nerve with me because mine has done this. I'm supposed to think the dil is the villain but I don't.

So, there's a man, I'll call him Bob. He's in his 50s and divorced with grown up children but had been living alone for a while. While living alone, his elderly mother who lives locally has a key and has let herself into his house regularly.

5 years ago he met a new girlfriend, I'll call her Joan. He asked Joan to move in and get married and they did and they've been married for 2 years.

Joan works full time and one day she came home from work to find elderly mil standing in the kitchen cooking. Joan asks what mil is doing in her house, things are said and she tells the mil not to let herself into her house again. I don't think Joan realised that the mil had been letting herself in.

Now the whole family have turned against Joan. Their opinion is that it s not Joan's house, as Bob owned it before he married her, and that she has no right to call it so, and that as mil has always let herself in, that shouldn't change. Now Bob is also not speaking to his mother, it's unclear why but the family have decided that Joan won't allow him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dummykiss · 17/04/2016 15:58

No mine haven't rearranged the furniture thankfully.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dummykiss · 17/04/2016 15:58

No mine haven't rearranged the furniture thankfully.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dummykiss · 17/04/2016 16:03

I was being told all about this and how horrible Joan is. I know I was supposed to feel sorry for dear mil but most of my sympathy was for Joan. It was really awkward. Oh and mil has changed her will to exclude Bob so that Joan doesn't get her hands on mil money.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/04/2016 16:03

I just don't get this thing about adults bollocking each other, frankly. Mil had been doing this for ages - what was she cooking, incidentally- something that Bob was intending to claim credit for?- so presumably assumed it was still OK. It's the sort of thing that need discussion not "things being said".

RortyCrankle · 17/04/2016 16:09

I have neither a DH nor MIL but if I did she would be given a key over my cold, dead body and I would go ape shit if I came home to find her cooking in my kitchen.

MIL is at fault for doing this.
Bob is at fault for not taking keys off of his DM or at least telling her that now he was married not to use unless in case of emergency and telling the rest of the family to mind their own business.
Joan IMO has done nothing wrong.

diddl · 17/04/2016 16:15

Well if it's not Joan's house, it sure as fuck isn't the MIL's!

I8toys · 17/04/2016 16:53

Its Bob's fault

Bogeyface · 17/04/2016 16:58

Oh and mil has changed her will to exclude Bob so that Joan doesn't get her hands on mil money.

Well that seals it. She is an out and out bitch who hates being told no and dangles the "I will write you out of my will if......." I am related by marriage to someone exactly like this, thought thankfully not close enough to have to deal with the will issue, which is good for the relative because I would not be able to stop myself telling her that I wouldnt want a penny from her.

I suspect that the will is the real reason that Bob isnt speaking to her, not because of the money but because it shows just how horrible she is and how low she will go.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 17/04/2016 17:04

What a nasty meddling MIL. She is furious at not getting her own way so changes her will and the rest of the family side with her. Just unbelievable. What a horrendous family OP, you have my sympathy.

Out2pasture · 17/04/2016 17:05

So if I have the math right, Bob is approx 57 and mil is what...77 to 84?? I think Joan was out of order.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/04/2016 17:10

Why does her age matter?

diddl · 17/04/2016 17:13

How does MIL being 70s/80s make Joan out of order?

Doesn't it make Bob a lazy arse for letting his 70s/80s mum cook/clean for him (while he was on his own?)

diddl · 17/04/2016 17:14

I guess the one's siding with MIL don't want to be disinherited??

Scaredycat3000 · 17/04/2016 17:15

Now Bob is also not speaking to his mother, it's unclear why but the family have decided that Joan won't allow him.
Sounds like the family know exactly why Bob's not talking to his Mum, but the real reason doesn't fit in with their agenda. I wouldn't surprise me if Bob has told his Mum to hand the key back and she got a spare cut or told her not use the key or whatever, and she ignored him. Mum's now caused a huge family argument, upset his DW and played the poor me card. He's had enough of her interfering. That would also explain why Joan was really upset, she thought this had been dealt with. All details in this story will have been cherry picked to spread about the wider family, such as the OP, to tarnish Joan.

QuiteLikely5 · 17/04/2016 17:17

You don't just go around letting yourself into people's houses without a clear understanding that you are doing so.

The mother clearly has ideas above her station.

Yyy to everyone taking her side so they don't get disinherited but behind closed doors they may well think she is out of order

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/04/2016 17:22

Although the MIL should have realised things would change, I think most of this is down to Bob, TBH

He could have warned Joan about his DM's previous expectations
If MIL was a bit resistant he should have (gently) explained the new way of doing things
And he should definitely say his piece to the rest of the family

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/04/2016 17:26

Just seen the bit about the will, which tells us exactly the sort of person they're dealing with

I wonder, though, if the rest of the family kept the row going precisely in the hope Bob would be disinherited and they'd get more?

prettybird · 17/04/2016 17:26

Once they got married, it did become her house, as well as her home. It might not be included in assets if they were to get divorced, as the ownership pre-dated the marriage, but it sure as hell isn't the MIL's.

Sounds like Bob is supporting Joan in this - good on him but he could maybe have headed this off earlier if he'd made things clearer to his mum. I'm shocked at the wider family for immediately "siding" with the MIL.

Sounds like she is a matriarch who is used to bulldozing others getting her own way - hence her petty act of changing the will.

FWIW - my dad has a key to our house but would never dream of using it except when asked or in an emergency - as does SIL who feeds our cats when we're on holiday. MIL, on the other hand, does not have a key, as she can't be trusted to respect our privacy. But even she wouldn't dream of doing anything so blatant and then taking the hump if called on it - still less deliberately then writing us out of her will Hmm.

winewolfhowls · 17/04/2016 17:26

It's impossible to say who is unreasonable as it's clear that there is more than half the story missing.

On the surface Joan is unreasonable for reacting in such a volatile way (or was this the last straw)

Bob is unreasonable for not having previously had a word with mil (or had he?)

Mil is unreasonable to let herself in and react and create such a family drama out of one incident (or is it)?

HolgerDanske · 17/04/2016 17:30

Sorry but MIL is way out of order on this one.

Ugh I can't stand that entitlement and the lack of acceptance that one's son is in an actual relationship with another woman and one is no longer top dog.

If this has been happening all along Bob is definitely in the wrong for not putting a stop to it. I would hate for someone to have been entering my private space without my knowledge or permission.

AugustaFinkNottle · 17/04/2016 17:42

Any MIL with half a brain would realise that once her son got married he and his wife were entitled to privacy and she could not carry on wandering into their house at will. How on earth did she think her DIL would react to find her treating her kitchen as her own, and (presumably) assuming that DIL was incapable of feeding her precious son properly and looking after him? I'm just wandering what would have happened if she'd let herself in when DIL was there, maybe on a day off - she'd probably have found DIL calling the police on hearing an intruder in the house.

I do wonder whether all these censorious relatives would be happy with MIL treating their homes in the same way.

SabineUndine · 17/04/2016 17:47

I'm on Joan's side. She probably jumped out of her skin and that made her overreact. Also the MIL is trying it on, surely, since Bob and Joan have been married a couple of years. Sounds like as much of a competition to be the most important person in Bob's like as a wrangle over whose home it is.

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2016 17:47

So is the MIL still out of order if Bob told her it was OK? Or asked her to come in?

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2016 17:49

Because if I wanted my mum to have a key to our house and to let herself in, I would be pretty pissed off if my partner vetoed it........

AugustaFinkNottle · 17/04/2016 17:50

Bertrand, I'm guessing if you did that you'd discuss it with your partner at some point?

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