To think that the mil was unreasonable in this situation?

[Dummykiss]

I know all of the people involved, although I am not directly involved, it has hit a nerve with me because mine has done this. I'm supposed to think the dil is the villain but I don't.

So, there's a man, I'll call him Bob. He's in his 50s and divorced with grown up children but had been living alone for a while. While living alone, his elderly mother who lives locally has a key and has let herself into his house regularly.

5 years ago he met a new girlfriend, I'll call her Joan. He asked Joan to move in and get married and they did and they've been married for 2 years.

Joan works full time and one day she came home from work to find elderly mil standing in the kitchen cooking. Joan asks what mil is doing in her house, things are said and she tells the mil not to let herself into her house again. I don't think Joan realised that the mil had been letting herself in.

Now the whole family have turned against Joan. Their opinion is that it s not Joan's house, as Bob owned it before he married her, and that she has no right to call it so, and that as mil has always let herself in, that shouldn't change. Now Bob is also not speaking to his mother, it's unclear why but the family have decided that Joan won't allow him.

What struck me is the whole family turning against Joan. Why do they all have to take sides? Is MIL manipulative? She might have been annoyed with Joan, even though she should have checked with her in the first place before letting herself in, but to turn the whole family against her for a fairly minor incident is unnecessary. Sounds like MIL is a bit entitled and maybe used to being Queen bee.

I think its pretty odd that Joan didn't notice this for 2 years? Sounds like the wider family were waiting for an excuse to turn on her and they are obviously all worried she is going to "get" the house, that does happen when older couples marry - there are already family members with expectations (some of which may be reasonable). In the longer term has Bob made a will and made it clear that if he goes first, the house belongs to Joan or she can live there for life?

But other than that, all Bob can do is make it clear that he had caused the issue by not sorting thing out with with own Mum, he says sorry I was remiss I should make it clear, this is our home now but MiL will be invited to visit regularly or we will visit her etc. That's what Bob needs to do. Then after that, and only after, Joan can say to MiL I am sorry I was offhand, it all got a bit heated I am glad its sorted now.

MiL and rest of family will clearly stew over it, but that's just how people are. The ball now is entirely in Bob's court.

Why didn't Joan know that mil did this? Had mil asked Bob if she could come over and he forgot to tell Joan?

I'd be shocked to find someone cooking in my kitchen, even if it is mil. Why didn't Joan know, why did no one ask her?

Either Bob fucked up or mil overstepped the mark.

Penguin

I have a secret MIL crush on Marie

(That sounds a bit wrong)

Oh and when the family rend their clothes and clutch at their throats weeping "Joan has turned our Bob agin' us!!!" Bob needs to step in and say no, this is my decision, I should have made it clear 2 years ago, please respect my wife or fuck off. Nicely.

leelu66

It doesn't sound a bit wrong... It sounds very very wrong!

Unless your not Deborah in this mix (which I always was with ex-boyfriend) then your be fine lol

I really don't know how Joan hasn't know about mil coming in all this time.

The way it was told to me was that mil has always let herself in for years before Joan came on the scene, and who is Joan to come along and say she can't. It's not even her house etc.

No Dummy, Bob needs to tell everyone that its Joan's home too and its HIM who says MiL can no longer do this, then he needs to repeat it over and over again.

If Bob is in his 50s then presumably mil is getting on a bit. Was she a bit confused?
If she has been popping in over the past few years how has it gone un noticed by Joan for so long?

I can understand Joan being a bit put out but it sounds as though she has over reacted.................she should have discussed the issue with Bob and Bob should have given his mother clear boundaries.

I know it's not entirely relevant, but how did Joan not notice this for two years. Cooking and or cleaning magically done, cooked food appearing, ingredients disappearing, kitchen utensils not put back quite right. Bizarre she never noticed.

I suspect MIL had been overstepping for sometime and this was the final straw for Joan AND Bob.

Bob is a grown man who can make his own decisions. To say Joan doesn't allow him to speak to MIL is highly patronizing to Bob who presumably is delighted to have found happiness in a relationship again after his divorce.

You only have MIL's side of the story. Bob may well have been remiss in telling her that going in and out of the house, doing his washing etc wasn't on anymore but you don't know that he hasn't and been ignored. I think now Joan is married to Bob she is entitled to think of his house as her home too and it's actually lovely that Bob is apparently sharing finances with her properly.

I also think MIL is like this with all her children, some of them don't see it, and she preferred Bob's first wife. Or him being single for her to baby.

I'm agreeing with those saying how did Joan not notice?

Could it be possible that she had noticed and asked Bob to 'have a word' at some point in the past? And that he either didn't and told her he had, or he did and was ignored?

For it to blow up like this sounds more to me as if either Joan or her MiL had been simmering about it already.

I really don't know how she hasn't noticed.

I strongly suspect that the mil actually had stopped coming in since Joan lived there but had that day decided to go in and cook Bob a meal. Either that or Joan got sick of it and snapped, in which case she should have spoken to Bob.

I think Bob is at least 50% to blame.

I had a similar situation as I'm married into this family. I used to stay with dh year ago before we married, so it was actually his house, but they knew I stayed regularly, twice my own mil let herself in. Once when he was at work and I was in the shower and scared the life out of me. Then started tidying up around me. Another when we were naked cuddled under a duvet in the sofa one Sunday afternoon. She claimed to not know anyone was in yet cars were on the drive.

So I sympathise with Joan.

dummy really does sound like these sons need to tell their mothers to get a grip.

Of course it's Joan's home, she married Bob. She moved in - Bob needs to put his mother in her place.

As does your husband if he hasn't already.

No wonder you feel so sorry for Joan I feel for her too.

One woman on here said her MIL was so awful when they went on honeymoon she let herself in and rearranged the furniture... Was that you??

because if it was I have no idea how you cope with that and all this other stuff! It sounds bloody awful

Sounds like MIL knows she is in the wrong, otherwise why the "Its not her house anyway!" stuff.

Joan isnt wrong, although it sounds like she didnt handle it very well which leads me to think that there is waaaay more to this than you know. And I wouldnt be able to stop myself from saying "Well as Bob and Joan are married it is her house, its a marital asset and she has as much right to it and claim over it as he has"

Hmm, I know this is not like me but I feel a little sorry for the mil here..

I mean, she probably got used to a little dynamic with her son and is struggling to remember to keep her distance now a new dil is on the scene.
I would be a little bit gentler with her tbh, but Joan is absolutely nbu for wondering what the hell she was doing there!

Bob needs to get the key back from his mum pronto.

Side note: I totally thought of Marie and Deborah from everybody loves Raymond in this scenario

I would say Joan has done nothing wrong.

This was a total invasion of privacy.

The family sound like they do not like Joan and were waiting on a reason to vocalise it.

Joan could easily not have noticed if it was things like doing the washing etc - she just thought Bob had done them.

More likely she has noticed, she has prev asked Bob to have a word which has been ignored, or she has been doing her best to be nice DIL and ignore it until suddenly it has all blown up.

Given MIL has form for pissing of DILs by doing this, one might have thought she would have learnt.

OP would it help to share your experiences with the family or are they so completely brainwashed they'll just say 'Oh, that's her way'?

Why on Earth do people give keys to extended members of the family? We certainly don't and have never needed either if our Parents to have a key to our house.

I manage to get my own milk and manage to do my own cleaning.

Wolpertinger - your second paragraph really resonates with me. Yes, that scenario is plausible.

They have been together for five years and married for two...

Surely MIL should have got used to this by now

it may not be her house - but its her home
following the same logic you wouldnt get this argument if the property was rented
so financial ownership is just a big red herring here
the MIL is invading Joans privacy in her home

YANBU - Surely, as the Mil you wouldn't need to be told that its not really okay anymore to just go into your sons house now circumstances have changed and he has married? Surely that would just be a given?
I'm trying to think how I'd feel about it with my own Ds and cannot imagine letting myself into his house once he married even if I had previously, it's just odd unless its to feed a pet or emergency. Poor Dil
Bob does need to step up and stop Joan taking all the flack though - bit gutless, if you ask me for his wife to get all the shit.

MIL sounds batshit for not apologising. Bob needs to take responsibility for allowing the situation and Joan needs to be more observant if she didn't notice for two years. However it was clearly deliberately sneaky on part of MIL if it was kept quiet for that long.