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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel accused, how would you respond to this?!

111 replies

moochy11 · 17/04/2016 04:09

I feel livid but also really hurt after getting a facebook message from a "friend" today saying that my 6 year old daughter upset her daughter at school yesterday, that when she got home she started sobbing saying my dd said she didn't want to play with her anymore. She accused me of encouraging dd to play with new friends this year (last year in Reception they were good friends but it was always very volatile and more intense from the other little girl who often didn't let my dd play with anyone else). Then she went on to say "this is not how you should be dealing with our children's friendship and you should be teaching your little girl better" 😳

So I felt livid that she was sending me this angry accusing rant about something that sounded like a normal playground spat with 6 year old girls saying "you're not my friend anymore" "I don't want to play with you" plus she accused me of encouraging my daughter to say these things and that I should be "teaching her better". What is also upsetting is that I thought we were friends, not close but we've had play dates for the kids, mums nights out and have mutual friends.

My dd swore that the only reason she said she didn't want to play with the other little girl yesterday was because at break she kept on asking her to come away from another friend she was playing a game with, then shouting at her to play with her and trying to pull her away, she said she then got cross and pushed dd for not coming, so she then said something like "leave me alone I don't want to play with you anymore".

I do believe dd's account, the other little girl is prone to getting cross and physical about things with other children and been in trouble for it before.

My husband thinks I should ignore her message completely because I'm going into hospital next week for a chronic illness monitoring and honestly I don't have the energy for this aggro. But if I ignore it I feel it confirms her thoughts about me being a crappy parent, like I couldn't care less. I also don't want to get into a slanging match. As it happened at school should I have a word with dd's teacher that there is a bit of upset between them? Or message the other mum and resist an angry rant back, to say sorry dd upset your dd, sounds like a misunderstanding / spat that girls have at this age and they usually bounce back to being friends again soon after, I've had a word with dd shall we leave them to sort these things out themselves. What would you say??

OP posts:

HelsBels3000 · 17/04/2016 13:54

The poor teacher! As if they haven't got enough to do with the actual teaching part of their job, they then end up mediating between children and parents! She was stupid to send that message and it was unwise of you to respond. I wouldn't engage with her any further.

diddl · 17/04/2016 13:59

Tell her to talk to the hand school.

bloodyteenagers · 17/04/2016 14:00

Cannot believe you replied. Now you are going to have to.

No I am not free then or any other time to discuss this with you. There is nothing to discuss. I do not force my child to interact with anyone, it is your prerogative if you disagree with this. Again, if you have issues take them up with the school.

lavenderhoney · 17/04/2016 14:02

Why on Earth did you offer to meet with her?!

Write and say you're really busy and it's best for the school to deal with. And it is. Your dd can play with who she wants. My dd is always coming home and moaning about a particularly controlling friend and I say " you don't have to play with just her, if she won't stop bothering you, tell the teacher"

I have also mentioned it to the teacher as the other dd sobs to the teacher, that dd doesn't want to play with her, and the teacher was " oh we all play together" which isn't right if dd just wants to potter round the playground on her own and not play anna to the other ones elsa:) and be ordered about.

FuriousFate · 17/04/2016 14:04

I can't believe she's still hassling you despite knowing about your hospital stay!

RandomMess · 17/04/2016 14:07

"The issues are occurring at school, therefore please speak to the school if you are concerned about your DD's ability to deal with friendship issues. I'm not prepared to discuss it anymore"

Gide · 17/04/2016 14:08

Reiterate hospital stay, tell her to contact school (although as a teacher, I'd be taken aback to be asked to mediate a friendship between 6 year olds, other than to ensure there was no bullying). She sounds like a mad person. I would definitely mention that her DD yanked at yours to get her to leave other friends, that's not on, but sadly very common, up to and including the end of secondary school, I hear it all the time, not necessarily physically, but definitely verbally.

RandomMess · 17/04/2016 14:08

OP offered to meet with the school if they felt it was needed which is appropriate!

Good luck with your treatment op

RaeSkywalker · 17/04/2016 14:08

As others have said, direct her to the school. It will get out of hand very quickly if you continue to engage with her.

YouTheCat · 17/04/2016 14:10

I wouldn't engage further with her. Mention it at school on your own, just to say she has sent you inappropriate messages via social media.

I wouldn't be encouraging this friendship at all. I think how your dd handled the situation was spot on. It's nice that she has the confidence to know her own mind and choose her own friends.

SilverBirchWithout · 17/04/2016 14:20

I would reply:

'As you can can imagine, I have no time available at the moment, as my priority is dealing with my health problems and my extended hospital stay. Also, on reflection, your concerns about your DD's friendships at school, may be better addressed by seeking advice from DD's form teacher. She may be in a better position to reassure you or helping you to appropriately address any school friendship problems your DD is experiencing''.

Butterflymum79 · 17/04/2016 14:25

I would not use Facebook for responding at all. Far too easy for it to all get blown out of proportion. She is being completely daft, but I'm guessing you share friends, live in same area etc so no benefit to getting drawn into a long running row. Not a good example for the kids either. I would just say reply something like "sorry to hear the girls have had a row. Feel free to have a chat with me about it next time we see each other".

ie. If you've got something to say, say it to my face! People can be all kinds of outraged online. Generally they won't dare actually say it to your face.

PuppyMonkey · 17/04/2016 14:34

Just reply

It's not a good time for me to meet up unfortunately. Thanks xx

leelu66 · 17/04/2016 14:38

Yikes, what does she want to do, browbeat you into browbeating your DD to play nice with her DD?

She sounds controlling and a bit desperate.

Disengage.

Poikjhvcx · 17/04/2016 14:38

I'd reply

Sorry, I'm busy. Perhaps it would be better if you spoke to the school instead

MrsMainwaring · 17/04/2016 14:39

Are you sure it's not the 6 year old texting ?

Just ignore her

leelu66 · 17/04/2016 14:49

😂 at a 6yo saying 'We need to help our daughters'.

NotReallySureNow · 17/04/2016 14:52

What actually happened between the children is irrelevant. It's not like their was violence or nasty name calling from what she says so arguing over the minor details is pointless.

What actually matters is your friend is an arrogant arse and should think twice about sending ridiculous messages if she wants to keep friends.

MrsMainwaring · 17/04/2016 14:53

Well it's all so petty and childish lee
I can just imagine the six year old stamping her foot and demanding mummy sorts it out

leelu66 · 17/04/2016 14:59

The picture of Veruca Salt promoting the Blog of the Day is very apt for this post MrsMainWaring

GiraffesCantDoMentalArithmetic · 17/04/2016 15:11

I do think teachers have better things to deal with than parents' spats on Facebook. Don't palm this off onto the professional in charge of your dds' education.

timemaychangeme · 17/04/2016 15:24

I like Puppymonkeys reply. And if she lobs anything back after that then properly ignore. It's taking up too much of your time already and really doesn't justify it.

feckthemall · 17/04/2016 15:27

I'm cringing for that mother. I really am . OP As others have said already a quick, to the point reply is the only way forward here. Something along the lines of unable to meet with you as you can understand my health issues are the main priority at the moment. The girls as always will sort it out themselves as they should.

FannyFifer · 17/04/2016 15:46

"I would prefer to let the girls sort it out between themselves as is common among 6 year olds. If you have any further issues please take it up with the school".

Original poster

moochy11 · 17/04/2016 17:16

I love MN I wish there were more mums like you ladies around where I live, it might be the area and school (very competitive / keeping up with the Jones's) but I don't seem to meet many mums at school who seem genuine, uncomplicated and with no hidden agenda to do with their child's popularity / status at school. It's taken me a couple of years to realise that just because our kids go to school together and are friends, doesn't mean we should become friends and start socialising having mums nights out and family bbq's. I'm getting a lot more cynical about people as I get older with these sort of experiences.

Just to clarify what I meant, I said if this mum felt there was such a big issue between the girls needing to be sorted out, that I'd be happy to do that WITH the school and at the school, definitely no way I'm meeting up with her outside of school.

I don't want to get the teacher involved, it's ridiculously petty, hopefully she will realise she's blown things out of proportion, if she wants to involve the school then that's up to her, I won't be contacting them about it though.

The Facebook message she sent me was private, but it still made me uneasy her using that method of contact, so I replied by text to her phone number and she then replied back by text.

Bearing in mind I will see her most days on the school runs and that the girls both go to the same gymnastics class on Tuesday and will see the mum there, should I respond to the emotional blackmail of "please meet with me we need to help our girls thing". Should I just totally ignore it and not respond, or finish this ridiculous thing with - I can't meet up I am getting prepared to go into hospital, if the girls are still not getting on at school and you feel it's appropriate please discuss with the school as it is happening there.

She obviously wants the girls to be friends if she wants to meet up to "sort things out" between them and "help" their friendship, but I can't make my dd play with hers, and since she sent me an angry text criticising my parenting, why would I want to meet up and talk to her, let alone try and micro manage our daughters into being friends 😳

OP posts:

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