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Original poster

Feel accused, how would you respond to this?!

111 replies

moochy11 · 17/04/2016 04:09

I feel livid but also really hurt after getting a facebook message from a "friend" today saying that my 6 year old daughter upset her daughter at school yesterday, that when she got home she started sobbing saying my dd said she didn't want to play with her anymore. She accused me of encouraging dd to play with new friends this year (last year in Reception they were good friends but it was always very volatile and more intense from the other little girl who often didn't let my dd play with anyone else). Then she went on to say "this is not how you should be dealing with our children's friendship and you should be teaching your little girl better" 😳

So I felt livid that she was sending me this angry accusing rant about something that sounded like a normal playground spat with 6 year old girls saying "you're not my friend anymore" "I don't want to play with you" plus she accused me of encouraging my daughter to say these things and that I should be "teaching her better". What is also upsetting is that I thought we were friends, not close but we've had play dates for the kids, mums nights out and have mutual friends.

My dd swore that the only reason she said she didn't want to play with the other little girl yesterday was because at break she kept on asking her to come away from another friend she was playing a game with, then shouting at her to play with her and trying to pull her away, she said she then got cross and pushed dd for not coming, so she then said something like "leave me alone I don't want to play with you anymore".

I do believe dd's account, the other little girl is prone to getting cross and physical about things with other children and been in trouble for it before.

My husband thinks I should ignore her message completely because I'm going into hospital next week for a chronic illness monitoring and honestly I don't have the energy for this aggro. But if I ignore it I feel it confirms her thoughts about me being a crappy parent, like I couldn't care less. I also don't want to get into a slanging match. As it happened at school should I have a word with dd's teacher that there is a bit of upset between them? Or message the other mum and resist an angry rant back, to say sorry dd upset your dd, sounds like a misunderstanding / spat that girls have at this age and they usually bounce back to being friends again soon after, I've had a word with dd shall we leave them to sort these things out themselves. What would you say??

OP posts:
Yeahsure · 17/04/2016 08:08

I had an irate text about my dd from a mum and I ignored. It was sorted out at school in a few seconds from what my dd told me. Six of one, half a dozen of another. The mum who messaged me, texted again after it was resolved to say 'ha ha all sorted' . She must have felt stupid. I just replied 'yep, all good'.

goshhhhhh · 17/04/2016 08:18

Talk to school - & just tell her that is what you have done.

Original poster
moochy11 · 17/04/2016 12:59

Thanks everyone, really good advice, I didn't reply to the Facebook pm, I text the mum instead saying I was sorry to hear her dd was upset the other day and friendships are so up and down at this age, they both have their own versions and my dd has been upset over things between them in the past but I feel generally they often bounce back, sort it out themselves and are friends again v soon. I said I was about to go into hospital but if she felt there was something that needed monitoring or addressing at school because it is happening there, I'd be happy to meet and discuss how to deal with it with the school. Then said I was disappointed by her comments referring to my parenting as nobody encourages small children to upset their friends.

Her reply was along the lines of "Sorry to hear you have to go into hospital but I really want us to meet up just us to talk about this and sort things out between the girls, are you free tomorrow while kids are at school? I really want us to help our daughters deal with the issues between them"

Really? Why would I want to meet her to talk after she sent me an angry message accusing me of teaching my daughter to upset her daughter and encouraging her to be mean?! I'm still livid over that but want to give a calm response, shall I just reiterate that if she feels there is an issue at school (they only see each other there) I'm happy to meet and discuss with the school, which is actually what the school advises parents to do in all their school info. I'm just following the rules. Then when I see her on the school run just smile say hello and be polite / an adult.

Have a feeling she's going to hassle me though. Her last message was like emotional blackmail "we need to help our daughters", like trying to drag me into it by saying if I don't meet with her I'm not trying to help resolve things. If my dd doesn't want to be friends with her dd anymore though I can't force her!

OP posts:
veryproudvolleyballmum · 17/04/2016 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2016 13:06

You are handling this wrong. Any reply, no matter how well worded, was only going to suck you into this madness further

Ignoring it completely would be better. You cannot micro manage the relationships of your 6yo's. I have always trusted mine from an early age to use the guidance I give them. Stepping in just fuels these ridiculous over reactions

I would now reply that you have no interest in meeting with her and that you wish to sever any further contact with her.

Whether your daughters remain friends or not is up to them to navigate

And fgs, don't drag the teacher into this silliness too

MsJamieFraser · 17/04/2016 13:08

I would just reply saying your not free, however if your that concerned about it, speak to the school.

pictish · 17/04/2016 13:09

Gaaah oh dear. You apologised you see... and invited her to come and see you about it. So she's gonna.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2016 13:10

No. Not that you are "not free" because that leaves you open to "well, when you are free then"

You say "no, I am not going to meet with you and here is where our contact ends"

veryproudvolleyballmum · 17/04/2016 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 17/04/2016 13:11

"I'm not available I'm afraid. If you are worried please talk to the school."

veryproudvolleyballmum · 17/04/2016 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2016 13:15

"Well, when are you available...."

Just cut out all the time wasting social niceties. She is the one that crossed that line first. I would have no compunction in telling her to poss off if need be.

"No, I am not going to engage with you further. This is where our contact ends"

It is polite, but very very clear.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2016 13:15

*piss

AmusingMinnie · 17/04/2016 13:16

'As I've already said I see no benefit to involving myself in my daughters friendships in or out of school. It would serve you better to approach the school rather than me as they can offer your daughter their support within the setting. I'd rather you approach them over me for any issues that arise in their time in the future too.'

pictish · 17/04/2016 13:16

I agree you took the wrong approach. I know you were trying to be diplomatic but it has just encouraged her.

LunaLoveg00d · 17/04/2016 13:18

Do not respond. Do not get involved.

If I texted/Facebooked other mums every time my child had a falling out with someone i'd never be off the stupid thing.

TheWitTank · 17/04/2016 13:18

I'm with the short, firmly polite replies like pictish. Don't give a reason for not being available, you don't need to justify not meeting her. They are SIX. This isn't some serious bullying incident.

witsender · 17/04/2016 13:19

You were lovely and diplomatic. If I was going to engage further I would say
"I'm not going to get involved any further as I can see no reason to. If this worries you, feel free to chat to the teacher and they can reassure you."

Hissy · 17/04/2016 13:20

What a tit! Your daughters don't have to be friends... It's not compulsory..

Tell her thanks but you really do not need to discuss playground politics

Poikjhvcx · 17/04/2016 13:22

I think your reply was perfectly ok but I wouldn't have offered to meet. I'd just say you are busy tomorrow and suggest she contacts the school again.

I've had friends who have permanently fallen out with each other due to this type of crap as in they still don't talk and their DC are now adults. It's crazy.

I taught my DC to try and never say anything that sounds dodgy if it's repeated out of context. I told them not to have 'best' friends too. Another trick was to remember that you need the toilet if friends started to argue or whatever. I think my now adult DC still use the toilet tactic when I ask them to do chores. Hmm

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/04/2016 13:23

She's acted on impulse saw her DD was upset and vented at you on FB. Rather than talking face to face like an adult. To a child though when their friends won't play with them is like the end of the world to them.
Yes I know and you know. The children will be playing together in a few days. Like nothing happened. Children are children. They fall constantly in and out. It's a nightmare but what can you do. I think she's being ridiculous spoiling for a fight over children. She needs to relax. She's got years of this, yet, and if she thinks it's bad now. Wait till her little one gets into year 6. That's a terror of a year for fallouts.
I think I'd just message her back and say. I'm willing to meet you to have an adult conversation with you. I have no intentions of having a slanging match on face book.

HateTablets · 17/04/2016 13:29

Don't meet up with her.

Tell the teacher about the message on FB and ask if please could she keep an eye on your dd and this other little girl, just in acse there is anything going on.

Tell her to have a chat with the teacher as this is something that happens at school and therefore acn only be solved at school (where people will have a kcuh better idea of what is ACTUALLY happening).

VestalVirgin · 17/04/2016 13:30

She needs to teach her daughter how to make friends.

Maybe it's just six year olds being six year olds, but I still wonder how the girl has learnt to pester people she wants to play with until they give in.
If you annoy people, they want nothing to do with you, that's a rather easy concept.

Not sure this can be solved, though - likely, she learnt it from her mother.

I suppose it is best to ignore the mother; it is very unlikely she will suddenly see reason when her daughter's behaviour is pointed out to her.

MadamDeathstare · 17/04/2016 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AugustaFinkNottle · 17/04/2016 13:35

Tell her that you have no time to meet before you go into hospital, and on second thoughts you think this is best left for the school to sort out if they think it's necessary.

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