Feel accused, how would you respond to this?!

[moochy11]

I feel livid but also really hurt after getting a facebook message from a "friend" today saying that my 6 year old daughter upset her daughter at school yesterday, that when she got home she started sobbing saying my dd said she didn't want to play with her anymore. She accused me of encouraging dd to play with new friends this year (last year in Reception they were good friends but it was always very volatile and more intense from the other little girl who often didn't let my dd play with anyone else). Then she went on to say "this is not how you should be dealing with our children's friendship and you should be teaching your little girl better" 😳

So I felt livid that she was sending me this angry accusing rant about something that sounded like a normal playground spat with 6 year old girls saying "you're not my friend anymore" "I don't want to play with you" plus she accused me of encouraging my daughter to say these things and that I should be "teaching her better". What is also upsetting is that I thought we were friends, not close but we've had play dates for the kids, mums nights out and have mutual friends.

My dd swore that the only reason she said she didn't want to play with the other little girl yesterday was because at break she kept on asking her to come away from another friend she was playing a game with, then shouting at her to play with her and trying to pull her away, she said she then got cross and pushed dd for not coming, so she then said something like "leave me alone I don't want to play with you anymore".

I do believe dd's account, the other little girl is prone to getting cross and physical about things with other children and been in trouble for it before.

My husband thinks I should ignore her message completely because I'm going into hospital next week for a chronic illness monitoring and honestly I don't have the energy for this aggro. But if I ignore it I feel it confirms her thoughts about me being a crappy parent, like I couldn't care less. I also don't want to get into a slanging match. As it happened at school should I have a word with dd's teacher that there is a bit of upset between them? Or message the other mum and resist an angry rant back, to say sorry dd upset your dd, sounds like a misunderstanding / spat that girls have at this age and they usually bounce back to being friends again soon after, I've had a word with dd shall we leave them to sort these things out themselves. What would you say??

[AugustaFinkNottle]

I'd go for saying you just don't have time before you go into hospital, and you really feel that it's pointless parents trying to sort out children's friendships. Then tell her to talk to the school if she really feels it's necessary.

[RidersOnTheStorm]

Yes, tell her you can't meet up, you are preparing for your hospital admission. Add that it isn't really an important issue as far as you are concerned but that she should talk to the school if she thinks it is.

[AnyFucker]

I was classic Aloof Mum at the school gates. I didn't make any new "friends" beyond politely passing the time of day with anybody.

I don't need any more friends and I could never be arsed with the politics. I am sure it showed but I don't give a shit.

[EverySongbirdSays]

To me her message "help our daughters"

is

For me it's like "Help me work out how I can best use you to help force your daughter to be exclusively friends with mine because that's what she wants"

If you don't feel your daughter needs help I'd say so.

I would reiterate your lack of time and not meet.

FFS get involved over school bullying issues but never friendship politics. Other Mum thinks it's hard now, she'll get a rude awakening at 13.

[pictish]

I can't meet up I am getting prepared to go into hospital, if the girls are still not getting on at school and you feel it's appropriate please discuss with the school as it is happening there.

Just send that.

[cuntycowfacemonkey]

"I was quite offended by your suggestion that I am encouraging my daughter to be unkind to yours and do not feel inclined to chat in person. I will certainly ask the teacher to monitor the girls as they are better placed to observe what is ACTUALLY happening"

[AnneTwacky]

I think you should reply. "No. I think we should let the girls sort it out on their own. There is no need for us to get involved."
You don't need to give her an excuse. Just get straight to the point and nip it in the bud now or it will carry on every time the girls have a slight disagreement.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

Just reply " As previously stated I would be willing to discuss this matter with the school should they deem this necessary. There is no need for it to be taken outside of that setting."

[GinAndColonic]

Don't reply, if she questions why you didn't at a later date, just look at her like she has 3 heads and say that you had to go into hospital so you were a little preoccupied.

[Turbinaria]

Having dcs in primary school for the past 9 years imho there are some bonkers parents who are over invested in their dcs every waking moment probably because they have nothing else going on in their own lives. I agree with the posters who say the way to deal with this mum is don't engage, be polite and say if it's happened in school to leave it for the teacher to deal with it. The school will inform you soon enough if you need to know anything. The trick of getting through primary school I found was to only do pick up and drop off a couple of times a week its amazing how much less dramas you get embroiled probably because the mad parents don't know who you are Hurrah for the anominity of secondary school.

[Headofthehive55]

Id just say thank you for letting me know. I'm sure they will sort themselves out.

In my experience fall outs are so common, I can't keep up and it's just easier to be non committal , appear dizzy, and don't get dragged into it.

[Turbinaria]

Interestingly a teacher friend of mine feels much of the bitchiness mainly between girls she's witness in classrooms is because parents now get too involved in children's petty falling outs and escalate the problem which makes their dcs think its a bigger deal than it actually is.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

"Your Facebook message was offensive. I will not meet you and I will not discuss this with you again."

Then ignore every contact.

She wants to meet you, "just us"? I bet she does. Garden variety bully has got a new victim in sight because you engaged with her lunacy instead of ignoring or telling her to fuck off. I bet she tries pretty hard to get you to reengage as her victim and DD as her DDs. Step back, walk away, don't try to be nice.

[Janecc]

She's using the same tactics as her DD is employing. Singling you out - just us. I, too, wish there were more mums like the ones, who have responded. We've had a ton of problems at school.
This lady needs to actively encourage her DD to play with other children. It sounds as if her DD may not have great social skills and is being overly intense. Bullying a mother into guilt tripping her DD to have an exclusive and intense relationship with the child won't solve the problem.
I agree with the other posters, you shouldn't meet. I expect you've probably answered her by now. Your text was rather ambiguous and could be read that you were willing to meet with her to talk strategy before approaching the school. I understand that's not what you meant. So if you haven't, whatever you say will need to be succinct and clear and shut any dialogue down.

[TippyTappyLappyToppy]

Your reply should be something very simple along the lines of

'I encourage my child to be friends with as many people as she wants to be and I certainly do not encourage her to ignore or ostracise anyone just to be spiteful. She says she is happy to play with your DD but is seems that your DD is not happy for her to play with others as well. That is your DDs problem to learn to overcome, not mine. I really think that either of us trying to socially engineer our DDs relationships would be a mistake and so long as no deliberate bullying or nastiness is going on then we Should stay out of it and allowing them to find their own way through this. Friendships wax a wane naturally through childhood and if my DD finds she needs a bit of space from yours then I am certainly not going to tell her she isn't entitled to that. I don't think there is anything else to discuss.

[Baconyum]

I'm with AF. I have friends who's dc went to the same school as my dd but that's not why we're friends! Plus kids fallmin and out all the time at this age especially girls. My dd had a problem with her 'best friend' at this age not liking my dd being friends with others, I did and still do encourage my daughter to have a wide variety of friends. A similar situation erupted at high school too, there was a blow up last summer and since then they're all part of a larger group and it works better.

I can only say what I would do, which is tell her (the mother) not to be such a drama queen, let the girls get on with it BUT if my dd wants other friends and not to play with her dd that's her choice that she's entitled to! Perhaps SHE ought to be teaching HER daughter to be more friendly and less controlling.

[Londonmamabychance]

Understand you're livid, I'd feel the same. It's not a constructive way to deal with the he situation. I definitely think that responding politely and constructively is the best solution, something along the lines of what you suggested yourself, and then just try to forget it.

[elfies]

It sounds as if the daughter has learned this behaviour from her mum .
Encourage your own daughter to make many friends and acquaintances and play with who ever she wishes .
Neither of you owe any apologies to mum or daughter

[Alidoll]

I'd be so tempted to say

My DD can play with who she wants, when she wants and will no be dictated to by your bully of a daughter. Don't like it, tough!

(though I'd maybe make it a little bit more polite but sentiment is the same!!). I actively encourage my DD to make other friends so she isn't reliant on just one. That way if that child is off sick / hols she can go and play with someone else and feel happy about joining in rather than sitting on her own unhappy.

Also told my DD she can play with who she likes - invite the other child but then say it's THEIR choice not to join in.

If that makes me a bad parent, then would love to see what a "good" parent does?!

[FuriousFate]

Just wanted to add my own experience of this. A school mum friend took it upon herself to announce to a group of friends when we were out for dinner that my DD had hit her DS at school that day. Apparently she pushed him the next day too... I spoke to DD who didn't have a clue what I was talking about and texted the mum to say that I'd taken her concerns seriously, but that DD didn't know what I was talking about and that there'd been a misunderstanding somewhere along the line.

She persisted with her line (ie her DS hadn't made it up) and so I contacted the class teacher and said that if it had happened, I was concerned as it was a significant change in behaviour and I wanted to crack down on it straight away. Cue teacher telling me that it hadn't ever happened! Needless to say, this event has really soured things between me and school mum friend (not least the fact that she didn't check before trying to make out my DD was a little brat in front of a dinner table full of our mutual friends). Her DS has had problems at school, calls my DD his best friend and doesn't like it if she plays with other children. My DD plays with everyone and has a female BF - though this little boy pulls faces at her if she doesn't sit next to him on the carpet and so on. He'd also been in trouble before for constantly being in her face. I hadn't said a thing, and just felt sorry for him really as he was quite immature.

Anyway, that's a very long way of saying if you have issues, let the school deal with it. If it's not significant enough to go to the school with, don't start messaging other mums! And if you do, get your facts right! Me and school gate mum are part of a wider group but everyone knows we are not as close as we used to be due to this incident. I also had to explain to DD that her 'friend' had lied about her to try and get her into trouble. Not nice. I know everyone is inclined to believe their own child, but seriously, don't make accusations over dinner!

[Amy214]

Ignore her and encourage your dd to make friends with other children. Friendships often fizzle out and dont last long anyway. The pair are just as bad as each other

[ivykaty44]

Op hope your trip to hospital is successful, please put this type of nonsense out of your mind - it very easy to get sucked in when you are ill.

[BoopTheSnoot]

Tell her that you don't want to force a friendship on DD that she doesn't want, and that she is her own person and entitled to socialise with who she pleases at school. To be fair, I would have either just ignored her or told her to fuck off

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just leave it at that, she sounds too invested in her dd friendships. Time for her to step back a bit. Don't respond.