Feel accused, how would you respond to this?!

[moochy11]

I feel livid but also really hurt after getting a facebook message from a "friend" today saying that my 6 year old daughter upset her daughter at school yesterday, that when she got home she started sobbing saying my dd said she didn't want to play with her anymore. She accused me of encouraging dd to play with new friends this year (last year in Reception they were good friends but it was always very volatile and more intense from the other little girl who often didn't let my dd play with anyone else). Then she went on to say "this is not how you should be dealing with our children's friendship and you should be teaching your little girl better" 😳

So I felt livid that she was sending me this angry accusing rant about something that sounded like a normal playground spat with 6 year old girls saying "you're not my friend anymore" "I don't want to play with you" plus she accused me of encouraging my daughter to say these things and that I should be "teaching her better". What is also upsetting is that I thought we were friends, not close but we've had play dates for the kids, mums nights out and have mutual friends.

My dd swore that the only reason she said she didn't want to play with the other little girl yesterday was because at break she kept on asking her to come away from another friend she was playing a game with, then shouting at her to play with her and trying to pull her away, she said she then got cross and pushed dd for not coming, so she then said something like "leave me alone I don't want to play with you anymore".

I do believe dd's account, the other little girl is prone to getting cross and physical about things with other children and been in trouble for it before.

My husband thinks I should ignore her message completely because I'm going into hospital next week for a chronic illness monitoring and honestly I don't have the energy for this aggro. But if I ignore it I feel it confirms her thoughts about me being a crappy parent, like I couldn't care less. I also don't want to get into a slanging match. As it happened at school should I have a word with dd's teacher that there is a bit of upset between them? Or message the other mum and resist an angry rant back, to say sorry dd upset your dd, sounds like a misunderstanding / spat that girls have at this age and they usually bounce back to being friends again soon after, I've had a word with dd shall we leave them to sort these things out themselves. What would you say??

[roundtable]

This is an example of why some primary schools encourage the children not to have best friends!

Good luck in hospital op

[Janecc]

The behaviour probably comes from the mother or parents not actually seeing their child for who she really is. I see attention seeking behaviour from children all too often, who have sadly not been taught the necessary social skills to survive at school and create a wide friendship group. Both my daughter and I have been on the receiving end of some pretty insidious behaviour. I, myself have a very narcissist mother and it is really tough being a child of this type of parent. Much as the little girl has been annoying and created a situation, I do feel very sorry for her as well.

[moochy11]

Parents eve went well thanks, when it came to interacting with others, teacher described dd as a lovely friendly sociable little girl, said I was happy to hear that as had heard from a child's mum that dd had said something to upset her daughter the other day. Teacher said she was aware of one incident recently where the little girl came crying to her, saying my dd called her ugly! She wasn't concerned about anything, although she said she had noticed they'd grown apart, dd had lots of new friends and the other girl didn't seem to make friends "easily". She said if there was ever an issue that should be brought to my attention she obviously would, and that girls friendships are so up and down its hard to keep track sometimes, then reiterated the school policy that anything that happens at school should be dealt with by the school and they only involve parents if necessary.

When I asked dd if she'd called the other little girl ugly, she looked genuinely horrified, she admitted she'd said she didn't want to play with her and the girls she was with said the same, she apparently said dd looked disgusting, so dd said she looked disgusting back. Sounds like she then ran off crying to the teacher and translated that to "ugly", I would be very surprised if dd did say that to her as it's just not a word we use and anything she learns / says at school always comes home with her so I would have heard her use it at some point, I never have. She was very upset saying the other girl had made it up to get her in trouble, which I can believe. Have told her to be aware of that in future and be careful how she chooses to say something. I was bullied as a child at school for a period of a couple of years, I've told dd this before and she seems to get it, I think she has an understanding of what cruel and unacceptable words to use about people are, my instinct trusts her.

Still not come within face to face distance of the other mum, but will smile and say hello when I do like an adult! X

[Janecc]

So her friend is equally mature. Grrrr. The weeks over. Good luck in hospital. X

[Groovee]

How did parents evening go?

Hope you are ok X

[moochy11]

Hi again thanks everyone who has given advice, all great and sensible (like I say wish there were more of you where I live!), just to update, I managed to avoid the other mum on Monday just lucky good timing / not seeing each other amid the crowds. Dd wasn't feeling well after school and was coughing all night so after hardly any sleep I kept her home Tuesday, which also meant we missed the gymnastics class that she attends alongside the other little girl, so again had not had to come face to face with the mum. At that point, with so much on my mind and so much going on health wise right now, I decided I really couldn't invest any more emotional energy into the debacle, part of me still wanted to construct a brilliant long text using all the fab advice and words of wisdom I've had on this thread from you all, I may still be using those words in future if she pursues things further or it happens again at some point!

Right now I'm done with it, I held my head high at school yesterday and saw her from afar but not close enough to even be able to say hello, but when I am in that position I will be polite and civil and leave it at a quick hello if we come face to face. I have a feeling things will drag on, her good friend is a mum who is a key figure on the PTA and when I saw her she glared at me and gave a very icy hello, so she's obviously told her all about this (she's usually friendly and calls me "Hun")

We have parents evening tomorrow so will be interested to see if the teacher mentions anything!

[Ilovetoread]

I had a similar problem with one of my children. My friend's child was really rough and unkind with her, I think in the attempt to get my dd to be her friend. I wouldn't have dreamt of having it out with my friend. Instead I went to teacher, explained the situation and that there was a bit of a history of this behaviour but it had got worse, I would please like it sorted by the school asap and how would they deal with it? Never would I have started a slanging match with my friend and definitely not on a social media platform. If I were you I would approach the school ,tell them what's going on, possibly show them the message and trust the to sort it out. It is my strong belief that children fall out all the time and there are just some parents who refuse to see both sides of any situation that involves their darlings. There is nothing you or I or anybody can do about that, just hold your head up, know that you know your dc and don't get into a slanging match. Pass it firmly to the school where things are happening and ensure they deal effectively with it. If you want to reply to this woman, a polite reply of thank you for your message, I have spoken to the school and they have said they will see what's going on (if that's what they said!!), then close conversation down and refuse any further dialogue. I have seen these very situations explode and they have the potential to turn very, very nasty indeed. Good luck
Really hope all goes well with your hospital stay

[feckthemall]

Any update op?

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

The things the other mother said to you were said when she felt upset for her child. However your response was very nice and still she didn't apologise for such horrible comments she made about you, completely ignored what you said about going to hospital and is demanding time from you when you obviously don't have time to waste especially when your emotional energy is being used up elsewhere. I would keep it short and make it clear you don't want to get further involved and let's see if they manage to sort it out as you can't force friendships, you could also mention her dd was pushing yours.

[Sara107]

My DD is 6 also, and her friendships always seem rather turbulent. In nursery, basically from the time she could talk, she used to come home with tales of woe along the lines of ' x wouldn't play with me, y isn't my best friend anymore, z was unkind. I don't have any friends, nobody wants to play with me'. I used to bring it up with the staff, and they would tell me this was absolutely not what they observed, she was always happily playing with a wide range of children. Same thing has continued into school, where she has a particularly close friendship with 1 girl. But often comes home saying C isn't my friend anymore, did this or that nasty thing. Some of it is undoubtedly true, she came home with a humongous bite mark one day, like a fox had attacked her! But a lot of the time they seem really fond of each other, and play nicely. I think the least said the better, children have to learn how to make and navigate relationships. I wouldn't involve the teacher or other parents. I let DD vent her feelings and try to be sort of sympathic but neutral. I tell her that you can have a bad day or a falling out with your friend, and feel like having a break from them, but you are still friends and you can make it up and play together again when you both feel like it.
It sounds like this parent is creating a storm in a teacup, her role is to comfort her child if upset not start a huge parental drama.
I don't think the OP is obliged to give this any time or energy, text the woman back and say sorry, hospital visit takes priority - don't have time / feel well enough to fit in a meeting.

[whois]

"Sorry to hear the girls are upset. I spoke with DD, she has a different version of events, don't think we should get into these playground antics, unless we are there to witness exactly what happened, have a good day !"

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just leave it at that, she sounds too invested in her dd friendships. Time for her to step back a bit. Don't respond.

[BoopTheSnoot]

Tell her that you don't want to force a friendship on DD that she doesn't want, and that she is her own person and entitled to socialise with who she pleases at school. To be fair, I would have either just ignored her or told her to fuck off

[ivykaty44]

Op hope your trip to hospital is successful, please put this type of nonsense out of your mind - it very easy to get sucked in when you are ill.

[Amy214]

Ignore her and encourage your dd to make friends with other children. Friendships often fizzle out and dont last long anyway. The pair are just as bad as each other

[FuriousFate]

Just wanted to add my own experience of this. A school mum friend took it upon herself to announce to a group of friends when we were out for dinner that my DD had hit her DS at school that day. Apparently she pushed him the next day too... I spoke to DD who didn't have a clue what I was talking about and texted the mum to say that I'd taken her concerns seriously, but that DD didn't know what I was talking about and that there'd been a misunderstanding somewhere along the line.

She persisted with her line (ie her DS hadn't made it up) and so I contacted the class teacher and said that if it had happened, I was concerned as it was a significant change in behaviour and I wanted to crack down on it straight away. Cue teacher telling me that it hadn't ever happened! Needless to say, this event has really soured things between me and school mum friend (not least the fact that she didn't check before trying to make out my DD was a little brat in front of a dinner table full of our mutual friends). Her DS has had problems at school, calls my DD his best friend and doesn't like it if she plays with other children. My DD plays with everyone and has a female BF - though this little boy pulls faces at her if she doesn't sit next to him on the carpet and so on. He'd also been in trouble before for constantly being in her face. I hadn't said a thing, and just felt sorry for him really as he was quite immature.

Anyway, that's a very long way of saying if you have issues, let the school deal with it. If it's not significant enough to go to the school with, don't start messaging other mums! And if you do, get your facts right! Me and school gate mum are part of a wider group but everyone knows we are not as close as we used to be due to this incident. I also had to explain to DD that her 'friend' had lied about her to try and get her into trouble. Not nice. I know everyone is inclined to believe their own child, but seriously, don't make accusations over dinner!

[Alidoll]

I'd be so tempted to say

My DD can play with who she wants, when she wants and will no be dictated to by your bully of a daughter. Don't like it, tough!

(though I'd maybe make it a little bit more polite but sentiment is the same!!). I actively encourage my DD to make other friends so she isn't reliant on just one. That way if that child is off sick / hols she can go and play with someone else and feel happy about joining in rather than sitting on her own unhappy.

Also told my DD she can play with who she likes - invite the other child but then say it's THEIR choice not to join in.

If that makes me a bad parent, then would love to see what a "good" parent does?!

[elfies]

It sounds as if the daughter has learned this behaviour from her mum .
Encourage your own daughter to make many friends and acquaintances and play with who ever she wishes .
Neither of you owe any apologies to mum or daughter

[Londonmamabychance]

Understand you're livid, I'd feel the same. It's not a constructive way to deal with the he situation. I definitely think that responding politely and constructively is the best solution, something along the lines of what you suggested yourself, and then just try to forget it.

[Baconyum]

I'm with AF. I have friends who's dc went to the same school as my dd but that's not why we're friends! Plus kids fallmin and out all the time at this age especially girls. My dd had a problem with her 'best friend' at this age not liking my dd being friends with others, I did and still do encourage my daughter to have a wide variety of friends. A similar situation erupted at high school too, there was a blow up last summer and since then they're all part of a larger group and it works better.

I can only say what I would do, which is tell her (the mother) not to be such a drama queen, let the girls get on with it BUT if my dd wants other friends and not to play with her dd that's her choice that she's entitled to! Perhaps SHE ought to be teaching HER daughter to be more friendly and less controlling.

[TippyTappyLappyToppy]

Your reply should be something very simple along the lines of

'I encourage my child to be friends with as many people as she wants to be and I certainly do not encourage her to ignore or ostracise anyone just to be spiteful. She says she is happy to play with your DD but is seems that your DD is not happy for her to play with others as well. That is your DDs problem to learn to overcome, not mine. I really think that either of us trying to socially engineer our DDs relationships would be a mistake and so long as no deliberate bullying or nastiness is going on then we Should stay out of it and allowing them to find their own way through this. Friendships wax a wane naturally through childhood and if my DD finds she needs a bit of space from yours then I am certainly not going to tell her she isn't entitled to that. I don't think there is anything else to discuss.

[Janecc]

She's using the same tactics as her DD is employing. Singling you out - just us. I, too, wish there were more mums like the ones, who have responded. We've had a ton of problems at school.
This lady needs to actively encourage her DD to play with other children. It sounds as if her DD may not have great social skills and is being overly intense. Bullying a mother into guilt tripping her DD to have an exclusive and intense relationship with the child won't solve the problem.
I agree with the other posters, you shouldn't meet. I expect you've probably answered her by now. Your text was rather ambiguous and could be read that you were willing to meet with her to talk strategy before approaching the school. I understand that's not what you meant. So if you haven't, whatever you say will need to be succinct and clear and shut any dialogue down.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

"Your Facebook message was offensive. I will not meet you and I will not discuss this with you again."

Then ignore every contact.

She wants to meet you, "just us"? I bet she does. Garden variety bully has got a new victim in sight because you engaged with her lunacy instead of ignoring or telling her to fuck off. I bet she tries pretty hard to get you to reengage as her victim and DD as her DDs. Step back, walk away, don't try to be nice.

[Turbinaria]

Interestingly a teacher friend of mine feels much of the bitchiness mainly between girls she's witness in classrooms is because parents now get too involved in children's petty falling outs and escalate the problem which makes their dcs think its a bigger deal than it actually is.

[Headofthehive55]

Id just say thank you for letting me know. I'm sure they will sort themselves out.

In my experience fall outs are so common, I can't keep up and it's just easier to be non committal , appear dizzy, and don't get dragged into it.