To be considering rehoming my two cats

[dairymilkmonster]

Didn't put this on pet forum as too scared!

Major quandry here. We have two cats, age 6, who we have had since they were kittens. Initially I loved them very much but they came untrained (despite the claim from the household i got them from) and took about 4mo to train which put my dh off immediately. DH had tried to talk me out of having them initially.

Current issues:

1. In the past year i have been increasingly becoming allergic to the cats. My eyes are watering and itchy whenever i touch them (so i avoid it now) and i am having to close the doors to stop them going on the bed /sofa or I am coming up in a rash. Unfortunately they have reasonably thick fur and shed everywhere (more so than various friends cats) so i am constantly hoovering to prevent me sneezing and sniffling. I can't really love the cats properly like this and am finding i am getting resentful of the extra work and symptoms.
   

1. My ds1 actively dislikes the cats and always has for some inexplicable reason. He always chases them out of the room (4yrs) and shouts at them. I have endlessly worked on this, read books about nice pets that we love, talked about being kind to animals and even at school they did something on caring for pets. I asked him today to tell me all the things he liked and disliked about the cars. He came up with 10things he didnt like ( essentially, them existing) and nothing he did!
   

1. DH has no interest in the cats (ds2 is a baby and hasnt really noticed them yet!) and just thinks they stress me out and create work and expense.
   

Recently we have started discussing rehoming them. hoping they might go somewhere where they can be well cared for but perhaps recieve more love /strokes than here and reduce my allergic symptoms and household stress considerably. Moral dilemma - what if i regret it? Is this just really selfish and cruel? do i have a moral obligation to these cats?

AIBU to do this or even consider it?
Thoughts welcome.

[user7755]

Our ds has LD, he struggles with boundaries, can be extremely oppositional, is very literal in his thinking, finds cause / effect a struggle and has sensory processing difficulties. We struggled with him with the dog when he was a puppy, to be fair it was largely because he loved him too much and didn't know when to stop the hands on stuff, but the above approach plus full on shouting bollockings and sent to his room if he did get too hands on (he picked him up by one leg once when no one was looking). It worked - but the difference was that in our house, animals are part of the family, they are loved and respected, and everyone learns - very quickly - that we do not treat animals badly.

[strawberrypenguin]

You stop your DS shouting/ chasing them very single time. I have a 4yo and a cat and we have never tolerated any bad behaviour towards the cat. My DS has never been allowed to hurt/scare her. When he was younger we taught him to stroke her gently with supervision. When he was younger he was taught that she was one of the family and in the same way he wasn't allowed to hit us he wasn't allowed to hit/scare her. If he runs and scares her we tell him off and he goes and says sorry to her (he never does this on purpose just a little boisterous sometimes and only on a rare occasion now as he knows to look out for the cat). It doesn't sound like you've tried hard enough tbh. Stop him every time. He's 4 and old enough to know better.

[RidersOnTheStorm]

Many of our family members have had pet allergies which have improved and when we went to an allergy clinic they advised us that whilst DS remains allergic to dogs, he may well become desensitised to our dog.

And bollocks right back to you. DS1 became so allergic to our pet he was in hospital with a severe asthma attack. We were advised to get rid ASAP. He still has attacks if he gets too close to an animal he's allergic to.

[TendonQueen]

What do you actually do at the moment when you catch him shouting at them or chasing them? For me this would be a moment of full on roaring - the kind you would do if he was running into the road in front of a lorry. The poster who said think of it as if he was hitting you or his little brother is right. It sounds bad I'm sure but you need to shock him - to impress on him with your reaction that it's a very, very bad thing. I have done this once, and have never had to do it again.

[upthegardenpath]

I can't really love the cats properly like this and am finding i am getting resentful of the extra work and symptoms.
Could be the reason why your DS1 hasn't taken to them either and treats them badly.
Kids pick up our attitudes and resentments in nanoseconds...
I'd rheum them - but properly, if you can. They aren't getting any affection at home and nobody wants them there for whichever reason.
It is sad that you've grown to resent them, but your allergy must be horrible and I can understand that bit.
Give your cats the home they deserve, please.

[user7755]

Your post, which was stated as fact 'Your allergy will only get worse' is untrue. Your ds has a severe allergy - his has got worse by the sound of things, many people do not have this experience and in fact the experts advised that.

I understand that it must be frightening for you but to project that anxiety to all situations is unhelpful.

[BarbarianMum]

Oh ffs, really? The OP should spend the next 10 years chronically ill in her own home or drug herself daily on antihistamines just so she can keep these cats? Just hope it doesn't turn into a life threatening allergy then (mine did). Luckily my parents rehomed our rabbit after the first time I was hospitalised.

[Babylove2015]

Reality is : 1. Most people want kittens not adult cats.

2. They will be destroyed if they go to an over crowed pound. In the meantime they will be living in a tiny little cage with no freedom to roam and stressed and fretting for their home, wondering what they did wrong.

3. If you find a no-kill shelter, they will still be kept in over-crowed conditions, fall into a depression missing their home and stressed.

Yes, to be honest, giving up these cats because your four year old hates them ,is very irresponsible and cruel.

Give into this child now, you might always be giving into him regarding pets. Do you think it's fair that your other child should miss out on not having pets? Do you like the thought of not having any more pets in the future?

I think you need to work with your son and teach him the importance of having compassion for animals.

You are the boss, not him.

[TypicallyEnglishMustard]

I've just asked DP (whose cat occupies roughly 70% of his full attention during every waking hour) what he would do if this happened in our house, to see if it would be the same thing I would do. Like TendonQueen, we both agreed that that would be a moment for full-on, rage-ful shouting, and immediately too. Your son is commiting animal abuse, that would be a little too serious for just positive reinforcement (reward charts, etc) for us. Raise your voice to your child and discipline him.

[user7755]

Its not rocket science to say that if it becomes life threatening the situation changes but most allergies can be managed with lifestyle changes and medication (and I speak as someone with a son with significant allergies which require 4 lots of cream, 2 lots of meds and at least half an hour of managing the environment every day - not to mention the ridiculous amount of money spent on specialist equipment). The assumption that allergies mean hospital is extreme, the allergies are one part of the situation, the OP resents the cats and that shines through in many ways - pets are not disposable, many animals in shelters are either put to sleep or live miserable lonely existences. Pet allergies can be desensitised.

[RandomMess]

We have taken on adult cats, although there were certain breeds we wanted I considered 4-8 years being the perfect age!!! A 10 year ish commitment without the work of getting kittens!

6 is not that old for rehoming.

[dairymilkmonster]

Thanks kleinzeit - that is helpful advice about the positive interaction.

[andintothefire]

I think the answer is quite simple actually. You should try to rehome them for the reasons you say (though actually I am sure the cats are perfectly happy with you). However I think you do have a moral responsibility not to just hand them over to a cat shelter. Try advertising on Facebook - you might find somebody who is interested. You can also contact cat homes and see if they will advertise the cats for you (while you keep them until somebody is found).

If the cats can be happily rehomed, there is no problem at all. Cats settle quite quickly into a happy new home. However, it would be very sad to condemn them to a life in a shelter (or to be put down) for the reasons you have set out.

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

I would 'drug myself daily' on antihistamines rather than get rid of my cat! I don't think that's the main issue though - I'm more concerned about the animals being abused and ignored.

I wouldn't normally say rehome animals as there's far to many irresponsible people who get a cat/dog/rabbit and go off it when it grows up. In this case though the poor cats must be bloody miserable and they need to go to a decent home before the kid does something worse than chase/shout at them.

[upthegardenpath]

I've always had cats and I'm wondering - do yours go outside OP?
Because cats tend to 'own' us, rather than the other way 'round and I know that if any of mine had been tormented daily by a child who shoed them no respect, as well as being resented by the 2 adults, the would have buggered off months ago in search of a home where they could be loved.

[JeVoudrais]

It sounds like you don't want them/will find excuses whatever anyone says. Find a home that will love them and care for them appropriately.

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

Please do not advertise them on Facebook or Gumtree or any other 'free to a good home' sites. You have no idea what sort of person would take them or what they would use them for.

[Medusacascade]

When my DS was 4, he went through a phase of hating my mum's cat. He would chase it if he could or shout at it. It just used to trigger something in him. The only thing that worked was doing what I call 70s parenting. Zero tolerance and loud shouting every time. I'm sure your son is not 'vile' though.

[dairymilkmonster]

Yes they go outside, have a catflap. We have a decent sized house with plenty of spaces for them to be away from us and they have a basket each which are actually up on top of a tall chest of drawers - they chose to sleep up there when we moved in as it is sunny so i put their beds there. They have never shown any behaviour suggesting they were about to bugger off, in fact, they tend to be around a lot of the time and still enter rooms when ds1 is in there etc.

[blankmind]

Poor cats, they need to live somewhere they are loved, cared for and played with.

OP what would you do if your ds constantly treated another child/other children the way he treats the cats?

Do that.

[Vinorosso74]

I think the cats are probably miserable so best to rehome. Situations like this do make me angry as the responsibility of having animals is for life and since many cats need rehoming because kids come along. However, if your allergy is so bad well that is a valid reason to rehome.
Do you have a Cats Protection adoption centre near you? If so their website tells you what to do if you need to rehome.

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

OP, can I ask again, what is your son like around other animals? Does he behave if you visit friends with pets?

[TabithaThaGoat]

i think you should re home in this situation but also get help for your DS1 who is bullying cats before he turns out like a little norman bates, its not normal for a child to bully animals .

[BarbarianMum]

And so user if your son's allergies were down to your cat, you'd keep on putting him through that rather than rehome?

I spend 3 months a year doped up on antihistamines (grass pollen season) and it is a really tough time of year for me. Constant itching, wheezing and itchy eyes. And knackered all the time due to a combination of medication and the physical strain of allergic reaction. No one should be expected to live like that all year round.