To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

[SpaceCadet4000]

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

I think the whole title thing should be banished, it's completely unnecessary.

Im the opposite to you op and can not stand ms. I was a miss now a mrs and will not answer to any ms or bumble bee calling. It might be unreasonable but ms is my pet hate. Unreasonably i know but my little pet hate. I hope im allowed that. Luckily its not a problem at work. Op if it ignores you to be called mrs as much as it ignores me the ms business id contact hr and correct them. Not a big problem.

I will stick my neck out and say those who aren't using Ms are letting the side down and perpetuating the view that a woman's marital status should be announced to the world on paperwork. There, I said it.*

Oh dear, I'm a side letter downerer. I love being a Mrs. I love being identifiable as someone's wife-most important role in my life. I even-shocker-get a little fuzzy feeling still when I see myself addressed in writing as Mrs.

The History of Female Titles

"Research by Cambridge University historian Dr. Amy Erickson"..."suggests that the title of Mrs, pronounced “mistress,” was for centuries applied to all adult women of higher social status, whether married or not."

"Erickson’s investigations have revealed that “Miss” was adopted by adult women for the first time in the middle of the 18th century. Before that, Miss was only used for girls, in the way that Master is only ever (today increasingly rarely) used for boys. To refer to an adult woman as a “Miss” was to imply she was a prostitute."

"Historians have often misidentified women as married because they were addressed as “Mrs”—when they were actually single."

"“It’s curious that the use of Ms is often criticized today as not ‘standing for’ anything. In fact, it has an impeccable historical pedigree since it was one of several abbreviations for Mistress in the 17th and 18th centuries”.

Not true at all nigglenaggle. IHT is very far from being the only thing that can't be replicated outside marriage, as the bereavement allowance post just after yours indicates. That's before we get onto transferring over 1k of unused personal allowance (by definition relevant when one spouse is low income) visas, ability for either parent to register a birth solo, automatic PR for the father when he's married to the mother along with other things that pertain more to higher income people such as the possibility of spousal maintenance and CGT transfers. The question isn't whether there are a number of legal and financial provisions only applicable to married couples, because there are. It's whether they're relevant to a particular couple.

and apart from anything else, people get married for all sorts of reasons and they aren't necessarily financial or legal or even religious for that matter either.

AKiss ". I love being a Mrs. I love being identifiable as someone's wife-most important role in my life. I even-shocker-get a little fuzzy feeling still when I see myself addressed in writing as Mrs."

I love being single and I love it that I bought my home alone and I love signing for new investments alone etc.

I just don't feel it benefits me, or any other woman, for us to go by Miss or Mrs and make the announcement that a woman should be known by a title that announces her marital status. You say being a wife is the most important thing in your life. I understand that. What I don't understand is why your title, when going about daily life or work, should not be on a par with Mr. When I chose Ms as a teen, I planned to keep it for life, because it was a symbol of equality.

I have one friend whose mum is still banging on about her being Ms, seventeen years post marriage. I thought the mum was isolated case but now I'm not so sure. Maybe that mum also thinks it means my friend is ashamed to be married?!

It looks like one poster's daughter has gone for Ms as a result of this thread, so that's good.

Well, sure. There are many reasons to get married or not. The main thing is, it's important to be clear that being married is quite different legally and financially to not being, and then people have the option of an informed decision about which suits them better.

In Scotland it is important to get married if you want to ensure that your wife/husband can inherit as much as you would like.

If you're married, then as a spouse, you're entitled to one half of the moveable estate (eg cash, jewellery, car works of artetc) and any children share one third of the moveable estate. If you're not married, then the children have a right to one half of the moveable estate.

So there can be practical as well as "love" reasons for getting married.

I married dh for love and because we wanted to commit to each other - no children at the time so the Scottish inheritance laws weren't a factor . I didn't see changing my name as a requirement. Dh and I both have a usual names: we did briefly consider double-barrelling them but decided it would sound like an exotic disease!

Exactly harlot

I still hate Ms - purely on the basis that I hate the way it sounds even in my head - it's th equivalent of nails down a blackboard. I don't want to be a Miss either so a Mrs I am. I'd prefer no title at all and always introduce myself by my actual name. I don't get much paper mail as most of it is online and to be honest I don't really notice what it says. I do know that my Vue account is in Mr though :)

So Ms sounds awful when Miss and Mrs don't.

Is it a bit like all those special women's last names that are hard to spell and pronounce........?

AKiss- fantastic straightforward honesty there- thank you!

Bertrand - it's just the buzzyness of it - it's got nothing to do with the debate in hand - people can use what they want. I wouldn't use it as I hate the sound and the feeling the sound makes even when I think it.

My DS2 doesn't like touching the fridge door handles as they are brushed metal - it's a similar thing to me.

Wow
Between the Ms and unpronounceable Indian name, I shudder to think what HR make of me.

In a previous job, there was a change of payroll software or some such. Everyone got a paper pay slip handed to them in payday. After the new software, about twenty of us who had been known as Ms, suddenly had either Miss or Mrs written. No idea where the data came from. So twenty of us went to accounts together and within a few seconds of explaining, the head there, a man, said "FFS, how did that happen" and was hugely apologetic, he was a good bloke so I don't think he was putting on an act. He was also puzzled saying "if they don't know then why don't they default to Ms".

Oh and lorelai I also bought my first home alone as did DH. I wasn't 18 yet so my parents had to sign some of the paperwork. I was working and earning well. I come from a very poor background and additionally this was at a time when mortgage interest rates were over 15%. I bought higher up the house chain twice before I got married and we pooled resources. I have been the main wage earner all my married life and supported my family including my DH by myself at times. I've been redundant twice and have never been unemployed and luckily neither of us has ever been in the position where we've had to claim benefits though at times we would have been entitled to.

So, If i want to call myself Mrs, it doesn't mean I am some wooly headed subservient female who doesn't know any better and is relying on a man to validate my existence....and even if I was, so what?

Mangum, never said or thought that you were. But we are all entitled to our view and I just don't know why anyone wants to use Miss or Mrs.

I don't know why you feel the need to explain yourself or your background.

same as you felt he need to explain yours I suppose.

there is an undercurrent - not necessarily by you, that it's somehow superior to use Ms and those that don't are somehow in the "old fashioned wife" scenario. I'm demonstrating that that doesn't apply to everyone. and even if someone just likes being a wife and likes people to know that's what they are, how does that make them a traitor to their sex?

Surely part of fairness (rather than equality) is the freedom to represent yourself how you see fit and not be discriminated for that. hence I don't think titles are required but given that sometimes you are forced by software into using one, I'd like to use the one I prefer without being made to feel bad about it - same goes for those that like Ms. If someone used Ms to address me and I felt strongly enough about it I'd simply correct them. No need to feel angry or undermined.

I don't need to know why someone wants to use Ms, I just accept that they do. I don't know why you feel you can't do the same.

and on that note I'm off to bed.

I explained Ms because some posters didn't appear to understand it. To be honest I'm still flummoxed that some people think it means divorced.

I don't assume a Mrs is any of the things you said. I do assume a Mrs wants people to know her marital status. I think that's a fair assumption.

So for the buzzy sound haters, is that all words that end in a z sound? Mrs ends in a z sound too in most accents.

No you are not BU. You are employed as a person with relevant skills and attributes, you selected your preferred mode of address and its wrong, so send an email asking them to change it. Please don't be swayed by people who tell you what is normal in this culture, because you are part of the culture. And don't be distracted by people who psychologise about whether you really 'feel' married, because only you will know this. And for goodness sake be as picky as you want to be, because its your prerogative.

I'm baffled by most of the posts here. It's like you're ashamed to be married or have such a chip on your shoulders about 'feminism' you lose all perspective as to how trivial it is.

Marriage doesn't define you, but should it be hidden? I found my (now) husband wearing his wedding ring around the house before we were married - he's delighted and after 9 years of marriage, it is an achievement as it takes work.

I'd (if I was writing an email for example) address an adult lady as Mrs. I'd probably swap from Miss at about 17.

_

The woman taking my details asked me for my surname and when I gave it she asked, "is that your maiden name or married name?"

I'm fairly intelligent but what have I missed here?

Is it now offensive for people to say "I kept my maiden name"? Assuming not, although nothing would surprise me here, then what's wrong with those two options? Is it because you didn't want to tell her if you were married or not? If the latter, why?

That's another phrase I dislike - maiden name. I don't have one of those I have a surname. If I need to specify that it's the one I was given at birth then it's my birth surname.

*WhoKnowsWhereTheT1meGoes

That's another phrase I dislike - maiden name. I don't have one of those I have a surname. If I need to specify that it's the one I was given at birth then it's my birth surname.*

Of course you don't!

Are the people who dislike maiden name also the people who dislike christian name? Why do so many people take offence at so much?

I loved itinerary's post. What a shame we ever changed. I'm tempted to adopt Mistress and shall advise dd she must switch from Miss before uni

Like others I am proud to be married, prouder the longer I am married and proud in particular to be my DH's wife. I'm also extremely happy to be a woman and have never felt my sex has ever held me back. I owned my own home before I married, earned a lit of money, had marvellous years at home as a mother and then embarked on a second career. Never ever have I felt being a woman has been a disadvantage. Never ever have I felt discriminated against as a woman. I have found it perfectly possible to be a woman in one's own right and to use Mrs.

Yanbu to ask them to change but yabu to take it as some kind of terrible misogyny committed against you. 99/100 they would have been right so they just did that. It would be like your name being Symth and they spelt it Smith because you didn't tell them you spelt it a different way.