To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

[SpaceCadet4000]

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

If all you have to get your goat up is an extra r come hang out at my house and help with the 25kg bag of compost which is currently invading my home it's fucking everywhere the delightful teenager thought planting every veg imaginable and turning his room into a greenhouse was, in his words healthy

I find discussions like this very interesting and informative, but it upsets me when some posters become aggressive and condescending in order to get their point across. Ridicule and snide comments are useful either.

The best way to change anything is to do it respectfully.

I've been Ms since I was 13 and got a cash card at my bank.

I'm not Miss / Mrs on anything, just Ms.

When I get married I won't be changing anything.

.... Exactly like a man.

Mrsbo, you keep saying the same thing and it's factually incorrect- Mrs has never meant all adult women and nor has miss. They both deliberately denote marital status- the crux of the whole semantic and philosophical difference!!

A very quick google led to me to various places including some language research papers which all seem to back up the following:

Mrs was an abbreviation of mistress, it did not and never referred to marital status.
Mistress meant adult female & actually denoted their social status (usually a woman who was skilled or who taught).

It was sometime during the late 18th century that the marital aspect started to come into play.

Ms was then coined in the mid 20th century, and women's movements pushed for its use.

So no, Badger, I am not 'factually incorrect', I am actually factually correct.

Going back to the OP - it would seem to be a data protection issue. You filled in a 'next of kin' form. They then used the information you provided on this for a purpose other than that for which it was supplied. That is unlawful.

I use Mrs for myself but I always use Ms for other people unless I know they use something else.

I don't think YABU to email and ask for the change OP. But don't over think this, you said you were married and they used the title accorded in our culture to a married woman. They won't think twice about changing it to Ms but neither will they wring their hands for a month at the mistake.

A digression, but on the subject of "Miss"...

DD, walking home a few weeks into reception year: "Miss Smith, he said..."
Me: "she said, Miss Smith is a girl" (DD had a history of getting pronouns wrong, possibly due to non-English carer who did same)
DD, very upset: "Miss Smith is a boy!"

A few days later, walking home:-
DD: "I asked Miss Smith, is he a boy or a girl? He said he has given all his dresses away, and he is a boy."

Subsequently I saw Miss Smith, and it turned out DD was right. Miss Smith is a man, and not even the sort likely to be mistaken for a woman.

Moral of the story: all primary school teachers are "Miss."

I'm a Mrs and frequently get called Miss. I just correct them. I don't think about the rationale or possible prejudice behind it.

It wouldn't bother me enough to go on the Internet, express my rage, and write a post asking people to justify (or not) my feelings.

Just send them an email and ask them to change it.

We should just use Mx for everyone or get rid of titles entirely (maybe we could use an initial instead?)

I don't see what relevance someone's sex has to most professional situations unless you're working as something like a clothing model, sportsperson or actor! Gendered titles also make life somewhat awkward for those who are gender nonconforming or for those who don't look / sound like their gender or choice.

Think you're totally overreacting. Just email them. They've probably got a million things to deal with and have made an easy-to-make mistake. No biggie, so don't turn it into one.

Wow.

I've never seen Mx used in real life. On the other hand, most grown-up, sensible, professional people in business use Ms as the default for women unless they know that the woman in question has a particular preference.

fluffy yes, exactly, I've been Ms C (my maiden name) the whole of my adult life (I'm 51). Why would I change?

I envy my PhD colleagues (I have a lot of them) who don't have this issue!

I thought you were going to say they changed your last name to that of your DH's!

I can't get worked up about the Ms/Mrs thing. Unless it's persistent.

It's a mistake, bring it to their attention in a matter of fact way, and ask to rectify. No need to explain why you are a Ms. I was once put on a system as Mrs Blankie although I've never been married. and Mr Blankie too, come to think of it

Sort of topical, but the Green Party recently introduced a policy of referring to all people who aren't men as "non-men" rather than "women" - apparently so as to include trans gender people

It's an equality issue. I work in academia. The biggest hotbed of equality issues you will find and also the most hierarchical place I have ever come across. Anyone who expects me to call them Dr, Professor, etc can address me with my preferred title. It doesn't matter what it is but to expect to be addressed by title whilst using the perceived subordinate's first name is arrogance of the highest order. The VC answers to (shall we say) John and is never up himself in the way some of the other academics are.

The way forward is probably to adopt the Quaker practice of only ever using first name and last name. That's,what I do at work if I don't know, dear John Smith. Sometimes an academic will address an email to me as Dear Jane (if I may). I always sign off as Jane Smith, job title as indeed to many of them: John Smith, Professor of 19th Century Social History. (made up chair to avoid outing).

I think if you made a point at your interview with HR that you wanted to be called Ms XYZ, then you have every right to be angry that your wishes were trodden over. What may be unimportant to some people is VERY important to others. I think I probably understand how you feel, because my name is Susie and people will frequently refer to me in person or writing as Susan. The next time someone does it, I'm going to refer to them to their face or in writing as Duncan, regardless of their sex! Stick to your guns and put your complaint pleasantly & politely, but in writing.

Poor HR, you see I hate it when anyone assumes, because I'm divorced, that I must have reverted to, "Miss"!

As (I assume, dangerous I know) a man in the minority in this conversation, I would just like to say that I would relish being able to change my title to reflect my married status (Mrd perhaps?).
I really do rather think that your irrational (imho) response just adds to the view of the world that people who wish to break stereotypical norms are strange and irrational, not good for anyone (especially your own blood pressure).
People make assumptions (see line one) based upon the information available to them, I have no doubt you do this many times a day without even being aware of it. To be angry at this natural and ingrained response just reflects your own insecurities.
The title people bestow on you does not define who you are (or perhaps you believe it does) it merely sets up a pre-defined set of social assumptions (I understand it is this to which you object) but I have no doubt that seeing the title Ms as opposed to Mrs or Miss comes with a great deal more of these assumptions.
I have two daughters and in no way wish for them to be seen as lesser to men because of their sex but I do not believe that irrational anger at society helps anyone's cause, least of all your own.
Just my two cents worth.

I have been Ms since university and am now in my sixth decade. Still when giving conact information to some company or other, I get asked 'Miss or Mrs?'. I say Ms......there is still very often that slight pause on the phone or the clerk/assistant/receptionist especially if male looks up at me for a moment. Presumably to see if I look how they expect a Ms to look! Or they repeat 'Ms' in a very deliberate way, 'Mssss....s'. Why!

I changed my name when I married. Tbh I didn't think about it long and hard we married, both wore rings and had the same surname. If I'm addressed as miss Mrs or ms I don't really care. If I write to a woman I don't know I use ms so as not to make assumptions on their marital status.
Shortly after my honeymoon many years ago I was at work by my bosses desk a call was transferred to him can I speak to Mrs Lynn married name, no he said there's no one of that name here, I thought he was taking the piss, so laughed. Then he hung up, you do know that's me don't you I said. No you're miss Lynn. He was at my wedding ffs!

As an independent woman harlot I'll focus on what I like when I like. Just now, I'm off to deal with a bacon sarnie for DH. Later I might make a start on cottage pie for the night shelter.

Kindly show others the same courtesy you demand for yourself beaufort.

While you're at it, don't use the deaths of millions by starvation to make your shit point. You clearly mention the cottage pie as some kind of virtue signalling exercise. Since it was important enough for you to mention it, it's important enough for me to tell you that it doesn't entitle you to use world hunger as some kind of rhetorical point.

Space cadet, they assumed you were a Mrs as you told them you were married, BUT you then neglected to say you preferred to be called Ms, totally your fault for the assumption they would automatically know this. They only know what you tell them.

Nope. This would only be true if Mrs was the default title for a married woman. It's not. Ms and Mrs are both equally correct. The assumption is entirely theirs and as such the fault is too. Comments like this, though, are why it's so important that in scenarios like this, we issue correction.

People get wound up by things like this? really? I am a miss and always get called Mrs it does not bother me one iota.

Shazza, the only people who seem to really care are the Ms's it would seem.
I couldn't give a toss myself.

samuelb- yes, it's a very dangerous game as a man mentioning indicating that I'm reinforcing the 'weird' or 'irrational' stereotype... or that I should be feeling or reacting a certain way given that you likely haven't been subject to niggling instances of sexism in the way women are...

In RL, I'll be sending a polite, very short email asking for it to be changed. I'm a professional adult.

However, I reserve my right to delve deeper into people's perceptions of this sort of stuff over an anonymous internet forum which is arguably here for this very reason ... and it's certainly been interesting to see some attitudes remain very different to my own.