To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

[SpaceCadet4000]

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

Ms apparently came into play in the 20th century Bertrand - it's a relatively new title.

With the exception of professional titles, it's only wrt women that the 'what title do they use' angst applies.
Men? They're Mr, simple and no fuss.
Women? " oh shit, what one of 3 titles does she 'prefer' to use, I'd better make sure I know otherwise she may be offended".*

Which is why it would be far better if we all just used Ms.

As an independent woman harlot I'll focus on what I like when I like. Just now, I'm off to deal with a bacon sarnie for DH. Later I might make a start on cottage pie for the night shelter.

"Ms apparently came into play in the 20th century Bertrand - it's a relatively new title."

It's been around a long time, but it was the 1950s hen people seriously started using it.

And America seems to have had no problem with it becoming the default.

How long do you think it would take, from a standing start,nor Mrs to lose it's meaning as "a married woman" and start meaning "an adult woman"? What would the benefit be of starting again from scratch? When there is a perfectly good title meaning "adult woman" already? Which plenty of people use.

The only people who have angst about titles are women.
Men just get on with it.

3 choices = inherent & perpetuating angst.

Personally, I think it's sad that men don't have much choice - it's Mr, or get a doctorate or an honour from the queen really. At least I have the choice of several titles, should I wish to use one. :)

Well, of course men don't have angst about titles.............

I do find it interesting that all the people who go on about it not mattering think it matters enough to want to cling on to Mrs and Miss. Because there really is no logical reason for women to be identified in terms of their relationship to men. And if it doesn't matter then simple. Default to Ms.

When I was dealing with OH at work while pregnant the OH adviser asked me "Are you married?" On the spot I assumed some relevance to my health issues and answered "Yes". I go by Ms and was v. disappointed to receive correspondence to Mrs Pog- especially as I work somewhere that its the norm for academic titles to be used; I could well be Prof. Pog for all they knew! Just ask what title I use ffs...

I do find it interesting that all the people who go on about it not mattering think it matters enough to want to cling on to Mrs and Miss. Because there really is no logical reason for women to be identified in terms of their relationship to men. And if it doesn't matter then simple. Default to Ms.

I am neither identified nor defined by my relationships, to men or otherwise.

Again, a wonderfully ironic sweeping statement from you Bertrand.

At some point you may actually realise that it is you who are judging other women and not other women judging you.

MrsBo agree totally. It's because women are expected to chnage theirs according to marital status and men aren't. It would be so much easier if we all used Ms.

Ms will never catch on as the default, purely because of the connotations it has (unfairly).

Ms generally assumed to be a 'rabid, militant, feminist type who has an axe to grind' or a divorcee.

Totally unfair and misrepresentative, but it is an assumption held nonetheless.

Mrs is inoffensive and benign in comparison - it only 'means' married because we continue to allow it to mean that.

As a child I always thought Ms sounded terribly glamorous, I think I had a book called Ms Whizz. Hope to pass that on to DD!

"Ms will never catch on as the default, purely because of the connotations it has (unfairly)"

1. America seems to have managed.
2. if everybody used it it would lose the connotations.

How long do you think it would take for "Mrs" (which, incidentally has it's own connotations) to completely change its meaning?

Ms is already in standard business usage. I would never address a business letter to an adult woman as "Mrs" unless I knew her marital status.

And DH is a French-English translator and standard business practice is to translate Mme as Ms, because in French the use of Mme is these days largely independent of marital status (the exception being in some French speaking former colonies where Mlle is still widely used for single adult women).

*BertrandRussell Sun 17-Apr-16 07:32:13

It will not change until women stop seeing getting married as an achievement.*

So you speak for everyone?

Absolutely, Misti.

I just don't get why people are so resistant!

I married and don't like it when I'm addressed on the phone or by letter as Ms or Miss! I don't get angry though. If I'm on the phone I gently say that I'm Mrs not Miss or Ms and if it's by letter and nothing that important I usually let it go. It's very easy to make a mistake on it and very easy to get it changed where it matters too!

I don't think they are resistant bertrand.

In my professional world - big manufacturing company (UK-based) - I simply cannot imagine there being a debate about this! My department recent sent out customer invitations for an event next month, and the women get called Ms and the men Mr, unless they are Dr or have expressed a preference. It's the same in DH's professional world (big pharma, he's a medical translator) - if you're not a Dr or a child, you are Mr or Ms!

True. I suppose I have made the mistake of equating Mumsnet it's real life!

Mrsbo, you keep saying the same thing and it's factually incorrect- Mrs has never meant all adult women and nor has miss. They both deliberately denote marital status- the crux of the whole semantic and philosophical difference!! The third was created to make the point that the denotation of marital status is an inequality! Ms- while I agree with some pps is not a pleasing sound it makes the point it needed to make when it was first used which is -'what the hell is it to you whether I'm married'.

So they asked you verbally for next of kin details and you explained verbally that your NOK was your husband. There was no form filling and as a result they've assumed you are a 'Mrs'.

I appreciate it's a pita from a logistics POV but its not an ur assumption on their part, so I think you do need to get over yourself a bit tbh.

OP, I don't think you answered Blu's question and I think that it matters. Perhaps I can rephrase it.

At work, on email, letters etc and presumably on all the HR forms you filled in you stated your name to be Jane SpaceCadet.

When asked for next of kin you stated it was Tom Smith, and said that he was your husband.

Is your payslip addressed to Mrs Jane Smith, or Mrs Jane SpaceCadet?

Both are annoying but clearly the latter requires a much stronger complaint.

I don't see why a payslip needs a title at all. Mine is just addressed to Jessie McJessie.

I think all the people talking about Ms being for divorcees are talking bollocks by the way. When I got married the only change I made was to start ticking "Ms" on forms instead of Miss, my logic being that Miss denotes single and I was no longer single. I think you had gone one step further and not used Miss pre-marriage, which I understand completely many women do not like to do. "ms" is just a female title which is silent as to marital status.

what the hell is it to you whether I'm married. That's just it, isn't it? Some of us see it as our greatest achievement, actually FLAUNT IT, of course we do Bertrand simply don't care. The people addressing you as Mrs probably don't care, nobody actually cares as much as you do.
Keep it as your little secret if you must, nobody cares.

Space cadet, they assumed you were a Mrs as you told them you were married, BUT you then neglected to say you preferred to be called Ms, totally your fault for the assumption they would automatically know this. They only know what you tell them.

Sorry- clearly the FORMER (Mrs Jane Smith) requires a stronger complaint.