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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if you won't keep in touch with the parents you don't send the kids birthday presents?

36 replies

Paramiribella · 15/04/2016 19:47

Just that really. No contact with parents, their choice and yet they send the kids birthday presents. They don't seem to want to see them or stay in contact in any other way. Am I wrong to think if you don't want a relationship with the parents, you don't get to have a relationship with the grand kids?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 15/04/2016 19:49

I don't agree at all.

The parents may well be the arseholes in the situation who've been bang out of order towards their own parents.

In that situation I think it's commendable to send presents to the GC.

Thisisnotausername · 15/04/2016 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceInUnderpants · 15/04/2016 19:52

I disagree. My brother and SIL are asshats and SIL wants "fuck all to do with" me, and my brother is going along with it. We still provide cards and gifts for the children, because it's nothing to do with them. It had nothing to do with me either, tbh, but that's gone over their heads Grin

CremeEggThief · 15/04/2016 19:53

YABU. Sadly, sometimes the adults don't get along, but it doesn't mean they want to take it out on the kids. I don't have much contact with a relative, but we still send each other's DC Christmas and birthday presents.

SouthWestmom · 15/04/2016 19:55

Yanbu. My sister is a strange person who had gone no contact with me. If she can't bring herself to talk.to me/ be in a room.with me she has no place in my children's lives.

crayfish · 15/04/2016 19:56

Hmm, it's not clear from your post if you are the parent of the grandkids but I think it depends on the situation. I am NC with my parents (both parties are happy with this and it was a mutual decision) so they haven't seen my DS, although I presume they know he exists as other relatives would have told them. As they haven't met him and are not likely to, I think it would be bizarre if they sent gifts to him. It would also be a strange thing to have to explain to him that they don't want to see him but have sent a present. Gladly they don't seem interested in either of us.

However, if they had met him and had a relation before we went NC then I would understand them wanting to send gifts or keep in touch. I would also encourage that I think, because their relationship with my son should (or could at least) be separate from their relationship with me.

It all depends on the context.

scarednoob · 15/04/2016 19:57

My SIL is an utter nightmare of a bag of a twat of a woman and insists that any presents for her DC are sent to her, to be opened with her and her family. I haven't seen the DC in 3 years and they have no idea who I am. I have said that I will take them shopping with my DB any time and they can choose what they like, but I am not firing expensive presents into the ether for the DC to associate them with her parents.

YANBU but it's v sad for the kids when their parents are arseholes.

SmilesTheCat · 15/04/2016 19:58

My sister ignores me. I've sent messages which she has seen, one which was ignored and now the others have been marked as unread.
I will not stop sending her children cards/presents (until asked to) as our situation is not their fault and they do not deserve to lose out on family members or gifts because of someone else's behaviour.

Fwiw if you want to go NC tell the person ffs. It's cruel to freeze someone out without explanation.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 15/04/2016 20:02

YABU just because they don't want contact with you doesn't mean they've disowned the grandchildren.

SouthWestmom · 15/04/2016 20:18

Smiles. My sister did that. I sent loads of messages saying 'can you let me know if you are ignoring me' by various media. Turns out that because my grandmother left something in particular to me she was furious. So I said to the executor she could have it. She still refuses to talk to me. Apparently it's too upsetting to ever be in a room with me and she's always found me upsetting.
When she came over from abroad last year her DC weren't allowed here and they all refused to see me.

So fuck it. I'm not exposing my kids to that level of crazy.

Costacoffeeplease · 15/04/2016 20:24

Yabu - why should the kids suffer?

SmilesTheCat · 15/04/2016 20:34

noeuf Flowers
That does sound a bit bonkers.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 15/04/2016 20:34

I don't really keep in touch with my brother or sil. When we do see each other it's nice and we catch up. Then we don't speak for god knows how long. We don't send each other's children birthday presents though or cards for that matter. I don't that as the children on either side as "suffering". It doesn't even cross their mind that auntie and uncle A didn't send them a present/card.
Slightly different situation in my case I know as there have been no fallings out or anything like that, but I'm just pointing out that when you don't keep in contact with a family member that you haven't fallen out with, you shouldn't feel obliged to send their children birthday presents/cards.

bostonkremekrazy · 15/04/2016 20:47

yanbu

i know it does depend on the circumstance - but OP you said they don't want to see them or stay in contact in any other way.....whats the point in presents then?

i'm in the same situation with my exsil.....she went no contact after she left my bro. fair enough she probably feels awkward. i send her LO gifts to my bro address and maintain contact that way.
she said some awful things about me to my brother via the mediator - so i never contacted her so as not to make her feel uncomfortable.....but she sends the us all birthday cards, and the kids birthday pressies, christmas pressies, easter eggs etc....its wierd! we've not seen her since the divorce and she wants no contact - well stop sending us stuff then!
we can't even send thank you cards as her address is with-held from my bro!

no idea what she is playing at!

CatsRule · 15/04/2016 21:01

We have a similar situation with toxic family members who have made it clear that they don't want to know dh (their son) or I...why, because we won't be bullied or manipulated but they have spread untrue shit about us.

Dh has the view that they and their toxic ways won't be anywhere near our innocent ds if they don't want to try and build relationships with us first and move forward. I agree...I see the upbringing dh has had, the turmoil he has had to live with and still lives with and we both want to protect our ds from it.

They have manipulated many people with their lies and one sided story eliminating their appalling behaviour which has led to us being ostracised from family...their choice to believe and their loss. It will be them, maybe not next, but at some point.

Nobody had a right to a relationship with our son if we don't think it will be a healthy one...it's our job to protect him regardless if it's from strangers or so called family.

Original poster
Paramiribella · 15/04/2016 21:09

Thanks for your responses. I am the parent (and not an arsehole). I'm uncomfortable with the presents. They raise a lot of questions and I wouldn't allow any other adult to try and build a relationship with my children without me being part of it.
I just find it weird that they send gifts yet want nothing to do with us. Am tempted to just donate gifts to charity.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/04/2016 22:00

Genuine question to those who buy presents for children when they have no relationship with their parents - how do you know what to buy for them?

Beth2511 · 15/04/2016 22:12

Fell out with the in laws when dd was 6 weeks, ridiculous petty on in the in laws part but would love if they could even bring themselves to look at her if we pass in the street, let alone a card. Yet they remain convinced that one day dd or her sibling due in 6 months will know what awful parents we are and go running tp them when older. Its madness, all my dd has ever known is an abundance of love from those who bother, cards and presents dont bother me. Just dont publically treat a child like they literally dont exist!

AliceInUnderpants · 15/04/2016 22:17

Paramiri Do the grandparents actually not want anything to do with the grandkids, or are you just interpreting it as that?

For example, my SIL has a bee in her bonnet as she doesn't think my parents care enough about her children as my parents are expected to make 100% of contact and effort and nothing is good enough. She tells people they want nothing to do with their grandchildren, which is not true. I just wondered exactly what "don't seem to want to see them" in your OP means.

Original poster
Paramiribella · 15/04/2016 22:23

They don't contact us at all, in any way, so doesn't seem that they want any contact. For almost 3 years now. But send birthday presents. No christmas presents. Just birthday presents. I find it weird.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/04/2016 22:27

Yabu.

When the dc are old enough they will be able to have a relationship with the grandparents, or anyone, without going through you. Grandparents are a special relationship in their own right.

It's weird about the presents, although you haven't explained any of the background.

Ameliablue · 15/04/2016 22:29

The kids aren't the parents and shouldn't be brought into arguments.

AliceInUnderpants · 15/04/2016 22:36

And do you contact them?

slithytove · 15/04/2016 22:43

Yanbu

I am nc with my sister due to massive emotional abuse from her, yet she still sends my kids stuff. It upsets me as I don't want to be reminded of her on happy days, and it worries me what I'll do when the kids are old enough to ask who xxx person is.

slithytove · 15/04/2016 22:47

God and the thought of them having a relationship when they are old enough to not involve me makes me feel sick. That woman is so toxic. She has already threatened to get in touch with my kids and tell them her twisted version of why their "mental mum" (her words) kept their loving auntie from them.