to think that if you won't keep in touch with the parents you don't send the kids birthday presents?

[Paramiribella]

Just that really. No contact with parents, their choice and yet they send the kids birthday presents. They don't seem to want to see them or stay in contact in any other way. Am I wrong to think if you don't want a relationship with the parents, you don't get to have a relationship with the grand kids?

[YaySirNaySir]

Yabu. DH and his brother have hardly any contact, not because of a fall out but because they are so different. We have always sent his DC presents and vice versa. We also see one of our nieces regularly now she is grown up with her own DC and her and DD are really close.

[magnificatAnimaMea]

We have had this experience a bit, though as godparents. Back when we lived in the UK we were fairly friendly with a couple (DH's work colleague & wife); they made DH godfather to their DC1. We made an effort to be nice godparents, they seemed to appreciate it. We made a bit of a fuss of DC2 but not as much as we aren't godparents.

We left the UK; the parents basically didn't stay in touch... we kept sending presents to both DC1 and DC2, and all seemed OK when we saw them when we visited - but they split up, and these days contact is basically completely limited to one email a year from the mother, often months after the event, thanking us for DC1's birthday present - and the father doesn't contact us at all. We kind of wonder what to do... it's not the kids' fault the parents are uninterested. I guess we should let things tail off, but it seems sad.

[FirstWeTakeManhattan]

YABU to make it a 'rule'. We have a very tricky situation but it amounts to (virtually) nc, but they always send gifts and we always send thank you letters etc.

My DC like to think they have a relationship of some kind and in this case, it's really for the better.

HOw old are the DC?

[MrsLupo]

It's like they're doing it to bother you, it's nothing to do with the kids - as though they can justify their actions by telling themselves "well, we always sent birthday presents"

^This.

I have a SIL like this. We've had no contact with her for a decade following an appalling betrayal of trust between her and DP (her brother). She has never acknowledged what she did, so no apology or amends. On a couple of occasions the PILs have engineered a meeting between DP and her by ambushing him/us with her attendance at some event or get-together and DP just turns around and leaves. That's the scale of the problem, to give some background. She has no relationship with the kids even though they were all born before the incident in question. She has seen DS1 a few times (mainly in connection with her wedding, at which he was an attractive pageboy-shaped accessory) and DS2 once or twice. She has never seen DS3 even though he was about 18 months by the time the falling out occurred. That's how interested in them she was - not that I required her to be interested in them, or us.

But since the falling out she's religiously sent them birthday and Christmas presents. They are always impersonal, partly because she doesn't know anything about them and partly, I suspect, because she gets her secretary or nanny or someone else to sort them out. A huge gift token is a typical example. I hate it. As a pp said, it's an intrusive reminder of unpleasantness on an otherwise happy day, and is quite clearly designed to stake a bizarrely misguided claim on the moral high ground. As for how to explain to the kids, well, I just told them the unvarnished truth when DS1 asked once. Just told the story, exactly how it happened, no interpretation, no editorial. If she imagined they were one day going to get in touch and want a close relationship with her, she obviously hadn't pictured that scenario.

It's tiresome and attention-seeking and I wish she would just give it up.

[ermmm]

Sorry op. Yabu. I have a sibling that doesn't make an effort to maintain contact- I still remember to drop of a gift little or big for the Neices and nephews- unfortunately he does not seem to reciprocate that with my dc... But that doesn't bother me as much anymore- cut off for pressies is when they hit 16/18 unless they maintain contact. Adult niece doesn't so gets nothing nephew is still in contact so we make an effort still on his birthdays.

[fusionconfusion]

Yabu. My father didn't speak to his sibs as he was an out of control addict so they cut us off too. They blamed us for their adult reactions to my father's addiction.. I am not my father. I deserved to be treated as an individual separate to him and his alcoholism and not shamed and cut off because of his problems. Children in a family should not be treated differently or lesser because of adult issues.

[birchygoo]

I dont agree - Regardless of my parents relationships with my grandparents I greatly valued my relationship with them. My uncles wife did not get along with my grandmother and refused any contact with my grandmother. Now she has died they all greatly regret this. I have lovely stories to tell about my grandmother and my cousins look blankly at me and I feel so sorry for them of being robbed of the love my grandmother had to give us all. They have missed out on so many memories. Whatever has went wrong between the parents and grandparents, it is not fair the grandchildren should lose out.
Exception is of course in severe circumstances were harm could be caused.

[Salfordlass]

I have almost this exact thing going on with my in-laws. They Went from being really involved in kids lives about 5 years ago to barely having anything to do with us for months and months on end (after some family stuff happened that was f-all to do with us) even though they're retired and live a 10 minute drive away,but then turn up on the odd birthday and act like everything's normal.
It sounds manipulative, if they care enough to send presents why don't they care enough to see them? It's like they're doing it to bother you, it's nothing to do with the kids - as though they can justify their actions by telling themselves "well, we always sent birthday presents" I think they are doing it to make themselves feel better about being shit grandparents.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

slithy yes, I think that's where I am too. It terrifies me that sister will fill them with bile if she gets the chance, especially as she wraps it up so lovingly and nicely.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

I am NC with my sister. She is not welcome in my DC's life and nor would I get involved in any DC she may have life. I've felt very strange about her attempts to send them presents. Thankfully she stopped after a while, presumably when she didn't get the reaction she was after.

Personally I wouldn't want any presents or cards from them. I would tell my DC the truth though when they were old enough to understand it all.

[Paramiribella]

Not anymore. I used to try with emails and phonecalls but they don't respond so I stopped.

[slithytove]

God and the thought of them having a relationship when they are old enough to not involve me makes me feel sick. That woman is so toxic. She has already threatened to get in touch with my kids and tell them her twisted version of why their "mental mum" (her words) kept their loving auntie from them.

[slithytove]

Yanbu

I am nc with my sister due to massive emotional abuse from her, yet she still sends my kids stuff. It upsets me as I don't want to be reminded of her on happy days, and it worries me what I'll do when the kids are old enough to ask who xxx person is.

[AliceInUnderpants]

And do you contact them?

[Ameliablue]

The kids aren't the parents and shouldn't be brought into arguments.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Yabu.

When the dc are old enough they will be able to have a relationship with the grandparents, or anyone, without going through you. Grandparents are a special relationship in their own right.

It's weird about the presents, although you haven't explained any of the background.

[Paramiribella]

They don't contact us at all, in any way, so doesn't seem that they want any contact. For almost 3 years now. But send birthday presents. No christmas presents. Just birthday presents. I find it weird.

[AliceInUnderpants]

Paramiri Do the grandparents actually not want anything to do with the grandkids, or are you just interpreting it as that?

For example, my SIL has a bee in her bonnet as she doesn't think my parents care enough about her children as my parents are expected to make 100% of contact and effort and nothing is good enough. She tells people they want nothing to do with their grandchildren, which is not true. I just wondered exactly what "don't seem to want to see them" in your OP means.

[Beth2511]

Fell out with the in laws when dd was 6 weeks, ridiculous petty on in the in laws part but would love if they could even bring themselves to look at her if we pass in the street, let alone a card. Yet they remain convinced that one day dd or her sibling due in 6 months will know what awful parents we are and go running tp them when older. Its madness, all my dd has ever known is an abundance of love from those who bother, cards and presents dont bother me. Just dont publically treat a child like they literally dont exist!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Genuine question to those who buy presents for children when they have no relationship with their parents - how do you know what to buy for them?

[Paramiribella]

Thanks for your responses. I am the parent (and not an arsehole). I'm uncomfortable with the presents. They raise a lot of questions and I wouldn't allow any other adult to try and build a relationship with my children without me being part of it.
I just find it weird that they send gifts yet want nothing to do with us. Am tempted to just donate gifts to charity.

[CatsRule]

We have a similar situation with toxic family members who have made it clear that they don't want to know dh (their son) or I...why, because we won't be bullied or manipulated but they have spread untrue shit about us.

Dh has the view that they and their toxic ways won't be anywhere near our innocent ds if they don't want to try and build relationships with us first and move forward. I agree...I see the upbringing dh has had, the turmoil he has had to live with and still lives with and we both want to protect our ds from it.

They have manipulated many people with their lies and one sided story eliminating their appalling behaviour which has led to us being ostracised from family...their choice to believe and their loss. It will be them, maybe not next, but at some point.

Nobody had a right to a relationship with our son if we don't think it will be a healthy one...it's our job to protect him regardless if it's from strangers or so called family.

[bostonkremekrazy]

yanbu

i know it does depend on the circumstance - but OP you said they don't want to see them or stay in contact in any other way.....whats the point in presents then?

i'm in the same situation with my exsil.....she went no contact after she left my bro. fair enough she probably feels awkward. i send her LO gifts to my bro address and maintain contact that way.
she said some awful things about me to my brother via the mediator - so i never contacted her so as not to make her feel uncomfortable.....but she sends the us all birthday cards, and the kids birthday pressies, christmas pressies, easter eggs etc....its wierd! we've not seen her since the divorce and she wants no contact - well stop sending us stuff then!
we can't even send thank you cards as her address is with-held from my bro!
no idea what she is playing at!

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

I don't really keep in touch with my brother or sil. When we do see each other it's nice and we catch up. Then we don't speak for god knows how long. We don't send each other's children birthday presents though or cards for that matter. I don't that as the children on either side as "suffering". It doesn't even cross their mind that auntie and uncle A didn't send them a present/card.
Slightly different situation in my case I know as there have been no fallings out or anything like that, but I'm just pointing out that when you don't keep in contact with a family member that you haven't fallen out with, you shouldn't feel obliged to send their children birthday presents/cards.

[SmilesTheCat]

noeuf
That does sound a bit bonkers.