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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 'D' H is a rude ignorant tw@t

49 replies

Kiddiewinks2008 · 15/04/2016 12:36

Made lunch for DC 4 and DH. They were upstairs playing. Called to say lunch was ready, called up again to say it was on the table, sat down & started my own lunch & still nothing, went up and said lunch was on the table & he said they would be 5 minutes. I pointed out that it was ready and I wanted to teach DD that its good to sit at the table and eat together. DH still made no attempt to get DD downstairs and ignored me. In the end I had to fetch DD down.
I then called him rude and that if I had cooked a meal, I at least expect him to show up. He said I was a martyr - he never does a single bit of cooking either.
Aibu to find this really bloody rude? I feel like its also teaching my DD that its ok to totally ignore me.

OP posts:
RNBrie · 15/04/2016 12:39

Yes it's rude. Stop cooking for him if he can't be bothered to come to the table when it's ready.

EllaHen · 15/04/2016 12:41

Yes, absolutely. If someone takes the time to cook something for someone else, it is only right that they show appreciation. You are not staff. (Not that I'm saying it's okay to ignore staff.)

Arfarfanarf · 15/04/2016 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameAgeLocation · 15/04/2016 12:42

Really rude. My DP does most of the cooking and our young children never want to come to dinner either. I always point out that their father has worked hard to cook a yummy meal for them and it's rude to ignore him when he says it's ready. Same goes in your house IMO.

Buzzardbird · 15/04/2016 12:44

I wonder whether he ever does any of the meal preparation?

leelu66 · 15/04/2016 12:44

YANBU. Please stop cooking for him until he appreciates it.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/04/2016 12:47

I go absolutely bonkers if my teenage DC don't come straight down when I call them for dinner (I give them a 10 minute warning in case they're in the bath or whatever). I find it not only rude but disrespectful of me and the effort I have put into cooking them a meal.

So YANBU to think your DH is a rude ignorant twat because he is. His lunch would've been in the bin if he'd spoken to me like that.

NynaevesSister · 15/04/2016 12:51

Don't keep cooking for him if you have a picture in your head of family meals. He doesn't have that picture and will use this to his advantage because he knows you will keep cooking for him. Which you will keep doing. And you will feel resentful. And this is one of the issues you will point to when you go for mediation after you split up.

He no doubt thinks you are being bossy and will probably stick his heels in because you see him jumping when you say to jump as more important. Or something like that.

The only way to stop this becoming the foundation on which your future divorce is built is to stop it right now. Tell him, in an unemotional kind of way that you are cooking dinner for yourself and your son. If he would like to join you then that is great. But if he doesn't want to then that's fine as well and he can organise his own dinner.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 15/04/2016 12:53

Yep his lunch would be in the bin and I would never cook him anything again.

NapQueen · 15/04/2016 12:54

Maybe when he starts making family meals he will realise the important of grateful diners and people that dont ignore his food.

The only remedy for this is to make him cook as many times as you do. Frankly why you have allowed him to "never cook" is beyond me.

NameAgeLocation · 15/04/2016 12:59

I think NynaevesSister is spot on with her advice.

Original poster
Kiddiewinks2008 · 15/04/2016 12:59

Yes, I have let him get away with not cooking, partly because it was always so awful when he did!

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 15/04/2016 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 15/04/2016 13:07

Yes, it is very rude.

My DH is nearly always the last to arrive at the table once a meal is ready. He always disappears into the bathroom then as he seems to think that "dinner is ready" somehow translates to "go to the toilet" every time. He does come though, and the DDs have almost always appeared well before him (youngest is 13).

If my DH had ever spoken to me the way yours did he would have found his lunch had gone into the dog.

ouryve · 15/04/2016 13:08

Start without him. He's being extremely rude, but you and your DD should not have to wait for him to grace you with his presence.

And if this attitude is consistent, stop including him in your meals. He can get off his arse and cook his crap food for himself.

TubbyTabby · 15/04/2016 13:21

down tools and stop doing things for him that he is big and ugly enough to do himself.
this should be a wake up call for sure.

PogoBob · 15/04/2016 13:34

YANBU - totally rude. FIL is the same, he prefers his food half cold but rather than coming down when he's called and sitting with the rest of the famliy until it has cooled he will keep doing what he's doing until he thinks it will be a suitable temperature!

Not just ranting it is relevant to your case Grin - DH learnt the same behaviour from him and would take forever to come to the table both at his parents and at our house, really pissed me off and we had a big barney about it - I specifcally did not want our DC becoming another generations of this behaviour.

Point being he has agreed to come when tea is ready if I'm cooking (I do give a five minute warning) so think you need to explain to him how he is teacher your DD bad manners and being disrespectful to you given the work you've done cooking.

Whisky2014 · 15/04/2016 13:40

Just cook for yourself and dd. Stuff him and if he bumps his gums just ask him why you would cook for such a rude, disrespectful person and see what he has to say.

AdoraBell · 15/04/2016 13:46

Very rude of him.

My DH does this too, because his father does and MIL wouldn't dream of starting before FIL sits down, even if that long enough to ruin the meal. Think cold veg and congealed gravy on a roast dinner. She tells everyone to "wait for daddy".

I have taught my DDs that yes, it is rude to just sit down and start eating when others are approaching the table, but it's equally rude to keep people waiting. They now wait for everyone to be ready when we are out, or they are at friend's. But we don't wait for DH .

HowBadIsThisPlease · 15/04/2016 13:47

"The only way to stop this becoming the foundation on which your future divorce is built is to stop it right now. Tell him, in an unemotional kind of way that you are cooking dinner for yourself and your son. If he would like to join you then that is great. But if he doesn't want to then that's fine as well and he can organise his own dinner."

this advice is dressed up like reasonable compromise, but it is actually "roll over now because it's going to be his way (or you won't stay together)".

you think family eating, and the courtesies and conventions that go with that, are important.

he doesn't.

so he gets to decide it isn't going to happen. you lose out twice: you don't get the family meal, and the acknowledgement and recognition that you have done something important for your family by making it and arranging the social stuff around it; AND you are still cooking for him, so he gets to eat your lovely food if he chooses (or stuff Doritos later if not).

This is an important issue, and one you don't see eye to eye on - it needs to be resolved somehow - but this suggested "resolution" is just "roll over and forget your values. Oh - and while you're at it - give up on teaching them to your child too, because you don't get to have a family life where your values count"

liinyo · 15/04/2016 13:47

It is so annoying. I have been married nearly 30 years and recently let rip to my DH along the lines of '
'I spend three hours cooking a Sunday lunch (whilst he takes his DD to the pub) and it really pisses me off when as soon as I say it's ready, you start to faff about putting on music and opening wine as if that's more important than my meal. If you want music and wine, sort it out BEFORE dinner's on the table, not when it's sitting there going cold'.
I don't know what was different then to the other million times I have said this but for the last few months he's been a changed man. Maybe I won't LTB.

Seriously, I wish I had nipped this in the bud sooner. If it happens again leave the dinner on the table to congeal and take yourself off to a mates or a nice pub. And let them have a cold manky dinner.

musicposy · 15/04/2016 13:53

Mine get 5 minutes or the dinner is in the dog Grin

I actually did this once with DH. It caused an almighty row on the day but he's come straight away ever since. The teen DDs know that his dinner was once in the dog and that when I threaten theirs will be too, I mean it.

Dog is very happy to oblige with this!

PestilentialCat · 15/04/2016 13:53

I have started serving the food & getting on with it in recent months. DH would invariably disappear to the loo for up to half an hour just as the food was ready, even though he knew & had agreed the mealtime beforehand, & expect it to be kept waiting for him without spoiling Confused It drove me nuts for literally years - GOK why I didn't change things sooner.

Funny how he turns up on time now...

Seeyounearertime · 15/04/2016 13:54

does noone think it kinda makes a difference what the lunch was?

If i was upstairs and my GF had made sarnies for example, i think i'd probably continue playing with my lo until we were ready.
Obviously if it was a hot meal that had taken time i would come down.
As it's lunch though wouldn't it just be something quick and easy?

I don't know, it makes a difference to me is all.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 15/04/2016 13:57

No more dinners for him!

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