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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my 'D' H is a rude ignorant tw@t

49 replies

Kiddiewinks2008 · 15/04/2016 12:36

Made lunch for DC 4 and DH. They were upstairs playing. Called to say lunch was ready, called up again to say it was on the table, sat down & started my own lunch & still nothing, went up and said lunch was on the table & he said they would be 5 minutes. I pointed out that it was ready and I wanted to teach DD that its good to sit at the table and eat together. DH still made no attempt to get DD downstairs and ignored me. In the end I had to fetch DD down.
I then called him rude and that if I had cooked a meal, I at least expect him to show up. He said I was a martyr - he never does a single bit of cooking either.
Aibu to find this really bloody rude? I feel like its also teaching my DD that its ok to totally ignore me.

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 15/04/2016 13:57

That's so rude. Still, if he won't sit down ensure your DC do and have a lovely chat with them instead. And don't wait for him. My ex mil used to make us all wait for ex fil and the git was a controlling ass who knew 12 people were waiting for him and he couldn't give a shit. In my house when they came we didn't wait for him whilst he faffed pointlessly and he said it was disrespectful as he was the head of the family:) oh how I laughed.

I give a 10 min warning then 5 mins which actually means wash your hands and sit down. There is only me and the DC now, so it works and as they help cook and lay the table and clear the plates:) they know not to mess me about.

They missed breakfast once due to faffing. They never missed it again.

ouryve · 15/04/2016 13:59

Oh, god, the faffing when you announce that dinner's ready, even if you've given fair warning.

I have to regularly remind Dh "We have dinner at roughly the same time, every day. It should therefore come as no surprise to you that, when I am in the kitchen, then dinner time is imminent. Please be ready before I have to remind you about it, yet again, because you're quick enough to complain about being nagged."

The other one that boils my piss is him getting up and wandering about when he's finished eating because DS2 won't finish his food without him there.

Arfarfanarf · 15/04/2016 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/04/2016 14:02

My DC know that if they don't show up they will have to wait for the next meal time. If they are lucky they'll get the same meal reheated then, if they are unlucky their father will have scoffed their share.

They are 3 & almost 6.

Honestly, you will only have to bin the first meal. Make it a cheap one

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2016 14:03

No, Seeyou it doesn't make a difference what the food is. If someone has gone to the trouble of preparing you some food, then you should come willingly and promptly to eat it. Mealtimes are about more than fuel.

I get the hump with this, but have solved it by making laying the table the catalyst for everyone coming down to be ready, so I call them all to lay the table 5 minutes before it's ready, and that gives everyone time to faff with drinks and last-minute toilet trips and be in the general vicinity. And stops me having to be in charge of every last thing to do with meal prep.

Whisky2014 · 15/04/2016 14:07

seeyou No it doesn't matter what the food is. It's rude.

Topseyt · 15/04/2016 14:08

We don't wait for DH now either.

I simply tell him his dinner is now on the table going cold. He still disappears into the bathroom first, but he comes a lot quicker.

The dogs (I have two, one being an ever-hungry labrador) are always there as a back-up, and would happily oblige.

RiverTam · 15/04/2016 14:11

God, this is the second thread in 5 minutes I've read that features a useless twat of a man. How dare he think it acceptable to be so rude and disrespectful of you and to teach the same to your DD. I'm guessing this may be the tip of the iceberg?

PollyPerky · 15/04/2016 14:13

I think it's rude BUT....

it does depend on whether a) lunch was spoiling and b) what game they were playing. and c) if you have already communicated with your DH that family meals are something you are aiming for- and want that to be a joint approach.

Your DC is a bit too young to appreciate 'food spoiling' and 'daddy must come the moment he is called' . So it's up to your DH to tell him that. Ideally, h'ed be saying' We need to stop this game now as mummy has made a lovely lunch- aren't we lucky'.

But if your DH is not at work then why can't he take his turn cooking or preparing?

At the same time though if they were engrossed in a game, I'd be doing a count down- tell them when it's 10 minutes to go, so they have time to wind up the play and get ready to eat.

I think some of the reactions from PPs are a bit knee jerk. Your DH is out of order, sure, but you both need to sit down and talk this through when you aren't so angry. Talk about your common goal - if it IS one- to have family meals.

firesidechat · 15/04/2016 14:16

There is almost nothing worse than a meal that you have spent time preparing getting cold on the table. Getting bolshy instead of apologising is adding insult to injury.

I would be tempted to go on a cooking strike, but easier said than done.

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/04/2016 14:17

Why hasn't he cooked dinner? It doesn't have to be a fancy meal cooked from scratch, he must be more than capable of making pasta with some sauce, beans on toast, omelettes, scrambled eggs or even just a freezer dinner.

You need to get him into the habit of cooking occasionally. If he's not home in time during the week, he can cook at the weekend. Don''t take over because he's "not very good" - he needs to learn. Even if he's one of those people who burns toast, it's not healthy for your DD to see mummy doing everything.

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/04/2016 14:18

Meant to say, the reason he's happy to stay upstairs playing is because he's not the one planning and cooking dinner every day! Why would he find it annoying? He knows he can do what he wants and he'll have dinner on the table regardless.

Stand up for yourself. If he's not at the table at X time, everyone eats without him and his dinner can be eaten cold or he can reheat it himself. Don't pander to him!

MrsHathaway · 15/04/2016 14:24

I find I need to give them a five- or three-minute warning before I call them to the table properly. That's probably what failed in the OP's case.

It is bloody rude to take cooking for granted, though. Next time, eat alone, clear theirs, and leave an uncooked bag of pasta on the table.

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/04/2016 14:27

seeyou if I was your GF you wouldn't be getting any more 'sarnies' or anything else from me!!

How utterly rude when someone has prepared you food to decide you'll come 'when you're ready' and to teach your DC such a disrespectful lesson too.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 15/04/2016 14:29

seeyou, I'm afraid your approach is ruder than just indiscriminately not coming. you're making a value judgement about what level of food is worth getting off your arse for. ALL OF IT, BECAUSE SOMEONE MADE IT FOR YOU

IamthepermedowlofVeronica · 15/04/2016 14:29

My Dh and ds (6) gang up on me sometimes, stay playing when dinner is on the table etc. Ds is pretty good, comes when I shout, dh is prone to going to the toilet at dinner time. He has 3 chances, first shout is polite. Second is rude, third is telling him his dinner is in the dog. He usually comes flying down the stairs at that point, one day the dog will benefit.

milkingmachine1 · 15/04/2016 14:30

I hate this!! I totally know where you are coming from, my husband's family do this to my mil. I think it is so rude and inconsiderate. It's often just me and mil sitting at the table waiting for everyone to grace us with their presence. I then sit there for 5 minutes wondering if it would be rude of me to start without them!

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2016 14:32

Did you not notice this before you married him?

Theoretician · 15/04/2016 14:33

In general I agree that people should eat promptly when dinner is ready, but subject to the proviso that they know in advance what time (give or take a few minutes) they will be called.

To put it another way, it isn't reasonable to expect people to drop what they are doing at a minutes notice to do something else, if they didn't know in advance the something else was going to need to be done at that particular minute.

If dinner happens at random times, over a range of more than an hour say, should someone dedicate an hour of their day to doing nothing in particular, so that they can respond immediately when called?

NickiFury · 15/04/2016 14:35

I once tipped my first husbands dinner onto the floor on the 10th day in a row that he went into the bath just as I served it up. It's not my finest moment but I just couldn't contain my rage any longer

purplebaglady · 15/04/2016 14:50

Oh my.....similar happened to me many years ago. I had prepared DH his favourite meal (roast beef and all the trimmings). It was a labour of love.
DH had ignored me when I called them all for lunch. I went to tell him and he just stared at me and didn't move as he was 'having a nap '. He knew what time lunch was going to be ready as I'd told him earlier.
Well, I sat at the table with his mum and my DC and we ate. Still no sign of him. I was fuming by this time. I washed up and cleared away then I put all the leftovers down the waste disposal. He was furious. Absolutely mad with me as I hadn't saved any for him. I can say after that he didn't ignore a dinner call. I still feel guilty to this day for wasting that food, but it did get my point across.

musicposy · 15/04/2016 15:25

I think this must have been easier years ago when there weren't microwaves - so not appearing for half an hour meant a cold dinner!

CreepingDogFart · 15/04/2016 15:31

Exceptionally rude and disrespectful.

Pettywoman · 15/04/2016 15:33

NickiFury you should have put it in the bath with him.

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