To hate my pre-teen (12yo) right now?

[t33jay]

Having checked Parent Pay Transaction History we've realised he has been stealing money (sums approx £500) from us, then using the money to top up his cashless account in school via the machine. Sometimes in cornershops to buy sweets, but mostly to buy school dinners.

He is on packed lunch as we have told the school that he is on organic diet only to find out that he has been given a 'canteen access card' in school and this is what he has been using to buy ridiculous amount of food. He does not have the fingerprint access, hence the access card.

So gets his meals at home + snacks & pudding + packed lunch AND gets sweets + at least £10 worth of food from the canteen ON MOST DAYS!!!

Surely the schools should put a limit on the amount a child can spend on a day!?!!!!!!!

I have a meeting with the headmaster tomorrow. Give me more ammos, am going there all guns blazing!!!!

To say that I am livid is an understatement.

....

Ok I understand now. I think at different schools lunch time is an inclusive time. So if all his mates are having lunches then maybe he'd have to sit in his own to eat his packed lunch? I know my dc would change according to what all their mates were doing

The stealing is wrong of course, but it does sound as though he wouldn't have been able to explain to you the reasons. I know my ds1 would sometimes buy a whole pizza to share with his friends, it's just part of being included and I understand that

Try talking to him to understand what's happened and why op

I hope that the magnitude of frustrations I have with my son does not happen to any other parent. It is so destroying that it has been happening for 7 rolling months and I did not have a clue.

The you not having a clue is YOUR issue- not his.

we all deal with awful frustrating stuff. it is being a parent. If I told you what my last year was like with my 15 year old you would probably faint (judging by your dramatic response to your son) yet it was just a hard year with a lovely kid in a family that had a nice time together most of the time.

Do you really think raising kids has no hard times? No times when you worry desperately and try to figure out the best way to deal with something, or realise your child needs you to respond in a way that is not the way you respond usually but you swallow hard and do it any way?

The strategies you have used have not worked. Those of us pointing this out to you aren't being superior we are just stating the obvious. Accept this and move on.

Rearing children isn't easy all the time. Maybe it is for some kids but for most families they go through the wars a bit.

and maybe read some of the SN threads or some of the teenage threads to get a sense of perspective on your issues.

FlyRussian - I have never been in a forum like this, never ever posted until now. Desperate, I guess. Calling someone 'Short & stout' is fat shaming? That is the truth though, we are pro sugarcoat here. Hand on heart it was unintentional. I did not call him fat. The bashers did.

He is roughly 4ft 7inches and around 9 stones. I think he just needs more exercise and less junk ie what school dinners are.

What irritates me most is this: he already had a wee sprout and therefore he looks like he lost a tiny little bit of weight (even though he hasn't), he would've been on the school dinners now!!

He walks alright, during football. The coach actually had to shout him to be quicker but he cannot as he is too heavy! Now how would you feel if you hear the manager doing this repeatedly on a match?

Please consider that he may not be eating this stuff himself. He may be buying it for others- either through coercion, or to curry favour with popular children.
Or he may be embarrassed about his packed lunches, and want what everyone else has. Children just want to fit in.

Thanks DollyTwat xx

And if those are his stats, you need to up his activity levels.

Can't you hear the resounding contempt you have for your child as you read back your own words?

"oh he walks alright....IN FOOTBALL" ie when he should be running the little failure that he is.

Thanks Canyoiforgiveher, difficult to accept that he can lie to my face all the while getting his priviledges at home!

Op I don't think teens should be concerned about their weight, unless they're obese

He will change shape as he grows. kids grow out then up. Lay off him op reassure him he's lovely as he is

That's true also guerre, this, coercion/bullying is also one of the topics I am discussing with headmaster

Funny how people just picks on particular statements they could digest.

It also sounds as though food is a privilege in your house. So if he loses weight he can have school lunches etc
Too much focus on this op

My dc take or leave chocolate, lots of Easter eggs left here. Food isn't a reward or punishment in my house

Op people aren't just focus sing on one thing, I think you are angry at the symptom of the problem I.e the stealing. Whereas the reason for the stealing is where your focus should be

Anyways, I think I've had sound advices here, once I deal with the matter at hand, I intend to send a private message of thanks to you all. xxxx

Could you please worry a little bit less that he's not fitting in with his ideal weight at the moment (I know its concerning honest I do) but what is more of an issue is what his behaviour might be trying to tell you.

All behaviour is a communication - seems to me he might be a confused and unhappy young lad and just looking for some acceptance and help.

Ok so he's a bit unfit and not loving sport so much, trust me it could be far, far worse and might well get far worse if you don't try a more understanding
approach I know this from personal experience.

I'm not trying to 'bash you' but I have been down a road like this and it doesn't end that well. Please stop and have a rethink, at this time in their formative years youngsters need supportive guidance not condemnation.

OP you should consider why he felt the need for school dinners:
Did his mates eat at separate tables/ queue together for dinners so he felt left out.
Has his weight shot up in the last few months ? Should have done spending that amount per day. If not is he being bullied and giving it away or more worrying throwing it back up
Are packed lunches not enough for him? Try getting him to help pack them and encourage him to learn about healthy foods because telling him eat organic will not work by itself.
I am ashamed to say 20+ years ago I did the same as your son because of the reasons listed above, and I was overweight and force dieted. Didn't work and I always had a hate relationship with food.
So what if for a few years he is chubby. You state elder brother is tall - maybe short stout son will have a growth spurt. Hope you sort it out with him but your problems go way beyond the need to diet him.

Please could you tell us what you like about your son? What you love about him? So far, we have had hate, frustration, disgust, disappointment.

What is it about him or his achievements that makes you smile, feel proud, admire, celebrate? Do you tell him or show him these positive feelings you have about him? Do you ever just give him a hug just because?

Yanbu. You're going to need that money for the therapy he's going to need in future years

*Please could you tell us what you like about your son? What you love about him? So far, we have had hate, frustration, disgust, disappointment.

What is it about him or his achievements that makes you smile, feel proud, admire, celebrate? Do you tell him or show him these positive feelings you have about him? Do you ever just give him a hug just because?*

Why should she justify herself to strangers on an internet forum? She came her for help but, true to form, a snarling pack (not sure as to the collective noun for MN'ers; a vitriol?) of people made her feel worse. I can see a lot of frustration. Nothing more.

@OP - I'm sure you don't hate your son and venting on the internet is a good way to blow off some steam and get rid of the frustration. Of course something needs to be done about the stealing but it also seems important to get to the root of the issue be it bullying, an eating disorder or any other reason; it's pretty serious. You've realised his shortness will be an issue and have tried to tackle it so good for you. Intentions are undervalued.

In my very frank opinion:

I think that discussion with him will do some wonders. Reassure him. Perhaps even minimise the stealing to get to the real root of the problem.

When one child is being difficult, we may favour the other. It can be hard not to even if it's simply spending more time with them while the other's grounded, for example. Maybe looking for a fresh start is a good idea!

This isn't the headmaster's fault. My OH is one and going in all guns blazing and looking to apportion blame won't get you anywhere. He isn't responsible in this case.

Your comments re. organic diets etc sound a bit mental! I'm all for healthy eating but within reason. Maybe a more relaxed view would help. Weight management is as simple as calories in vs calories burnt. Is he a fussy eater? Look at low calorie filling foods like broths, soups and grains. Have you spoken to a professional about his health? Are they concerned?

As I'm sure you know, parenting's a balancing act. Allowing him to fit in with his peers (within reason) goes a long way at this age.

Treat your sons equally. My mother did so to an extent we tease her about it now, but it meant something at the time.

I'm sure it can be frustrating when you parent two children and one has issues the other doesn't and you can't see why. Keep putting the effort in; it'll be rewarded.

The food that you have been providing him with, prior to his undercover usage of school dinners clearly have not kept him slim.
Your treatment of him sounds stupid and old and archaic and long since proven to be ineffective.
Is there any chance that you can look at your own ADULT and parental behaviour rather than rebuking your child?

I have three sons and they all go to the school I teach at. We operate a system where you can manually top up the machine/card in the Morning and we offer breakfast (bacon rolls, waffles, toast and hot drinks) and lunch (full meal at one canteen and crap like paninis and sausage rolls at the other)
One of my lads is six foot and like a rake. The youngest (year seven) has his puppy fat still. I treat them the same. Limited amount a week on the cards (tenner) and they top up at home. They walk back and do sport and I ration rubbish at home.
You can only guide. I would love DS3 to not feel overweight etc but I Don't make an issue of it. In the last week he asked me to pick up some other bits for his box. He has got their himself. Could you combine the two?
The stealing is another thing. Disappointed is a good way of dealing with it and putting all money etc in your room..