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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cosleep with 6wk old? Scared to discuss in RL

115 replies

YesterdayTomorrowToday · 14/04/2016 10:26

Last night our 6 week old baby refused to go to sleep no matter what we did. In the end I fed him laying down in bed and we both fell asleep, the next thing I knew it was 5:30am this morning, by far the longest he has slept since being born!

I loved it and I fed him again at 5:30 and the cuddled him back to sleep until 7:45am, which is unheard of.

AIBU to continue cosleeping with 6 week old? Is he too young? I followed all advice, no covers, no pillows near, no walls to get wedged in, DH knew he was there and we hadn't drank and we don't smoke.

I am too scared of being judged in RL as MIL has already made her feelings known despite the fact we hadn't even done it then, and the HV also mentioned she doesn't agree with it.

Would love the benefit of all your wisdom and experience MNers.

OP posts:
CatsCantFlyFast · 14/04/2016 10:57

I read and analysed ALL of the data. There is zero data to suggest that safe cosleeping IN A BED is more risky. The data that the guidelines are based on includes cosleeping in a chair/sofa and that is not safe and skews the figures

By safe I mean following guidelines in terms of smoking/drinking/bedding etc

CoraPirbright · 14/04/2016 11:02

Mine are now quite old and I only co-slept with my newborn for the first two nights of him being in the world (I don't think I slept at all - too terrified of rolling on him!!). I love the idea of it though and if I had my time again, I think I would like one of those cots that bolts to the side of the bed with an open side so you are co-sleeping but not iyswim.

Pleasemrstweedie · 14/04/2016 11:09

We are the only species that does not routinely sleep with its young.

Back in the 80s, before co-sleeping was a 'thing', I co-slept with both my DDs; peaceful nights, happy babies.

Letustryagain · 14/04/2016 11:12

Nope didn't do it and never would.

BUT the only reason I wouldn't co-sleep was because I was too scared of suffocating her AND because I was too scared that I wouldn't sleep for worrying! Smile

In fact again, totally against advice, DD went into her own room at 5 weeks when she started sleeping through because every time one of us stirred in bed, she'd start to wake up, which in turn then woke us up fully. It was a vicious circle. I bought a video monitor and instead kept waking through the night and turning it on so I could watch her without disturbing her. So my sleep didn't improve but she slept beautifully!!

You do whatever you think is right for your baby and don't let anyone tell you different. Go with your gut and congratulations on your newborn!! Smile Flowers

TristanlovesIsolde · 14/04/2016 11:12

I did it with DS1 until he was about 3 months. He then went for longer periods in the cot. He is now 2.5 and happy sleeps on his own all night without waking up.

angielou123 · 14/04/2016 11:12

I've had 4 babies and co- slept with them all. As long as you're not drinking or using any drugs then i've always found it safe and easier than getting in and out of bed all night. It's like although you are asleep, the second the baby moves, you ping awake like an alarm has gone off! Don't feel guilty, get some sleep.

Emtwizzle · 14/04/2016 11:15

I have co slept with my now 6 month old since she was about 6-8 weeks. It's the only way I am able to function!
I think the public health message about safe co sleeping is a difficult one to get across to the general public as it is so nuanced. A lot of the accidents that have occurred co sleeping have involved drugs or alcohol or sleeping on your sofa.
So therefore they recommend not co sleeping as the safest way to sleep with your baby as this is a clear, easy message to get across.
If you have read all of the advice, are exclusively breastfeeding and are doing it safely then don't feel guilty.

I also have a co sleeper bed next to our bed which I think it really useful.

LumpishAndIllogical · 14/04/2016 11:15

I co-slept with DS from birth until 5 months using a bed guard, he's now 5. I made sure no Duvet was near him. It was the only way I could do as he only slept for 2 hours at a time between feeds!

HotpointBoilsMyPiss · 14/04/2016 11:16

I've read that many deaths from "co-sleeping" are where an exhausted parent actually fell asleep in a chair with a child. So not actual cosleeping, but much more likely to happen if you are trying to keep yourself awake and out of bed.

sweetkitty · 14/04/2016 11:16

I've coslept with all four of my babies from birth to over a year. I did have a bedside crib as well.

You always know they are there like with your partner you don't roll over on him in the night or roll over and fall out the bed in general.

I did a lot of research on cosleeping and in other cultures it's the norm, in Japan for instance they norm is cosleeping and they have 0% incidence of SIDS someone may come along and correct me my data is years out of date.

As a species we evolved to sleep with our babies to keep them warm, protected and nourished at night it's only in the past 150 years or so it's been see as the norm to put them in a little box with bars on it on their own. If I were a baby I'd know where I'd want to sleep.

CocktailQueen · 14/04/2016 11:22

I co-slept with both my dc. They both slept better and could bf in the night more easily. I found that I naturally slept in a foetal position, one arm above the baby, so I couldn't roll on the baby. Obviously, follow all the co-sleeping guidelines.

nutbrownhare15 · 14/04/2016 11:22

I felt exactly the same as you. Baby at 6 weeks slept much better next to me. I was terrified of hurting her and of what people would think. James McKenna's work on cosleeping helped a lot to reassure that it is safe if planned carefully and that it is normal. I also joined the cosleeping group on facebook which helped enormously as I didn't feel like I could tell people in RL. 7 months on, we are happily cosleeping and cot is sidecarred to our bed. I have met mums in RL who have been through similar and I feel a lot more confident about the choice I made. Sarah Ockwell Smith's website also has a lot of useful info on bedsharing/cosleeping.

Birdsgottafly · 14/04/2016 11:23

I agree that if you analyse the data, then safe co-sleeping (which you are doing), doesn't carry any risks.

I co-slept with my three, my DD does it with her DD and do do I, when I have her overnight.

Some babies do settle on their own, but for those that don't, if the Carers are happy to co-sleep, there's no reason not to.

HVs have got to give out generic advice, that fits in with general guidelines. I've worked with HBs who co-slept, themselves, but as a HV have got to say that it isn't advised.

I've also found some HVs lacking in training about the emotional/cognitive/physiology response that things like co-sleeping, slinging, skin on skin etc generates.

VilootShesCute · 14/04/2016 11:23

Bed shared with dd for three years. I came up against it with almost everyone including in laws so I stopped discussing it eventually. She's well rounded, sleeps well and if you want to do it bloody well do it. I will say we took bed frame down, had mattress on floor, no bedding or pillows for 8 months and an amazing guard on her side so did everything very carefully. I would have got no sleep at all if we hadn't done it and I don't regret it for a second. I bf for over three years and it really helped establish that. Go forth and sleep well lady!

bananafish · 14/04/2016 11:23

I think co-sleeping, if done safely, is fine. I co-slept with both of mine, because I breast-fed and it was a lot easier to manage. I did have one of those cots that you can add on to the side of your bed, so I could also get some time on my own, too.

Also, I had a c-section with my second and had to stay in hospital for a few nights. DS would not settle at all, and I didn't know what to do. The nurse on duty came over, took him, checked him over and told me to get back into bed. She then put him next to me, pulled up the sheet and said: "He'll sleep with you, pet" - and he did. That gave me confidence to trust it was OK.

Each to their own, but I do think it seems quite a natural and instinctive thing to do.

Squashysbrother · 14/04/2016 11:24

I totally agree sweetkitty, it seems strange to me that a baby spends 9 months inside you and is then expected to sleep alone. I think nature intended us to sleep with our babies and to all get more sleep.

doleritedinosaur · 14/04/2016 11:24

My old HV was actually pro co sleeping especially for breast feeding as sleep deprivation is more dangerous than anything else.

I had my pregnancy pillow over me & DS pretty much slept on the boob. I had the Moses basket next to the bed for when he would go in it.

I don't move when I sleep & if he moved at all I would wake up.
As long as you make it safe there is no problem.

sepa · 14/04/2016 11:25

DD will coslesp with me if she won't sleep from about 3am. I don't sleep properly when she is in with us and my OH doesn't agree with it for safety reason as he doesn't trust he wouldn't roll onto her.

If you want to co sleep then do it. Don't mention in in RL unless your ready to have to potentially listen to many people tell you how bad it is!

I would love to co sleep as DD settles really well with us

Birdsgottafly · 14/04/2016 11:26

""it's only in the past 150 years or so it's been see as the norm to put them in a little box with bars on it on their own.""

Like a lot of other methods, feeding only every four hours, leaving in the garden/to cry. It was so the Women could get back to servicing the men and running the household singlehanded.

nutbrownhare15 · 14/04/2016 11:26

Ps- no reason why you need to mention it to mil or hv- I didn't.

Osmiornica · 14/04/2016 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 14/04/2016 11:29

Its so much safer to plan to co-sleep and follow all thr guidelines than try not to do it but fall asleep unintentionally when you might not have the saftest set up. Most of the rest of the world co-sleeps and it's wonderful for you and baby if you do it right! I was a little anxious so used a bednest on my mattress until he was 12 weeks and a little more robust. I could still feed him in this.

HackerFucker22 · 14/04/2016 11:30

We didn't start properly co-sleeping until baby was about 10 weeks - but once we started I've never looked back DD still isn't a good sleeper though and at 15m has never slept through!! She is better in with me though!!

Downside is DP ends up on the sofa most nights. A combination of a small bed [normal double] and the fact our weeny 15mo takes up half the bed and if she is asleep we are too scared to move her!

JerryFerry · 14/04/2016 11:31

Co sleeping was actively encouraged at the hospital where my children were born, but no more as 4 yrs ago a new mother accidentally smothered her newborn after falling asleep while breastfeeding.

Having said that, I would do it again no question, it is lovely.

HackerFucker22 · 14/04/2016 11:31

Yeah I stopped mentioning it to the professionals after a HV told me I needed to buy baby a crib immediately.

She had a crib, she just screamed blue murder if she was put in it and there was no way she'd settle in it!