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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know how to deal with my partners laziness?

36 replies

justsomebloke · 13/04/2016 22:40

Back story is me and my wife have recently bought a house (6 weeks ago) and my wife who works part time is barely doing anything to help with the diy unpacking cleaning etc. I work full time and have done almost everything. I asked her to sort out the kitchen whilst I was at work on Monday and she unpacked the plates microwave toaster and cutlery. The rest was still upstairs in boxes. We have no children so heaven only knows what she did the rest of the time.

I've tried leaving her to it and assuming she'll do something (nothing happens), asking her to do a task like 'sort the kitchen out', see above, text reminders during the day, detailed lists, but even then something always gets 'forgotten'.

Our relationship is deteriorating rapidly because of this. Any advice? I didn't think she was lazy before we bought the house but struggling for an alternate explanation...

OP posts:

Dutchess61 · 13/04/2016 22:42

Detailed "lists"
Texts

PurpleDaisies · 13/04/2016 22:42

Presumably she didn't become your wife six weeks ago-have things been like this before?

gamerchick · 13/04/2016 22:43

Have you asked her what she's doing? That would irritate me as well.

Littleorangecat · 13/04/2016 22:44

why does she say she hasn't done it??

Purplepicnic · 13/04/2016 22:45

Why does she only work part time? Are you happy with that arrangement generally?

MadamDeathstare · 13/04/2016 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 13/04/2016 23:35

LTB bloody infuriating behaviour! Tell her to sort the kitchen out properly as a matter of urgency!

TheBouquets · 13/04/2016 23:43

Is your wife perhaps unhappy at moving? Was the move more for your reasons than hers? Has she left family and friends to move? Has she moved from a place she has lived in for most of her life? She may be spending her days in tears missing all that is familiar to her. Has she had other life events to deal with such as a death illness or other disappointments.

Original poster

justsomebloke · 14/04/2016 08:39

Thanks for replies. We moved 1 mile and both have cars. Been married 9 months and picked the house together.

When asked she says she doesn't know where the time went? I thought I married an grown up though!

Tried setting up lists together. This is the best but it's a waste of both of our time doing it considering there's about 3 days worth of jobs to be done- just look around!!. Also if she finishes the list she won't do any more and most the time she will forget something on the list which is incredibly frustrating

I'm happy with her working part time so long as when I get home she's put an obvious effort in and not treated it like a 5 day weekend and left all the housework to me.

Again, thanks. Rather at my wits end here

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 14/04/2016 08:41

Is this a new thing or was it the same before you came to the new house?

Tootsiepops · 14/04/2016 08:43

What's the hurry?

Tatiana11235 · 14/04/2016 08:46

Could you tell her straight that it's not fair you having to everything by yourself? It seems to me she hasn't got any respect for you imo

skittycat · 14/04/2016 08:48

My ex partner was exactly the same as soon as we moved in to our own home together - all the housework and sorting out suddenly was all for me to do whilst he sat on his arse smoking and playing games all day (whilst I was working full time) I've got no advice, purely because in the years we were together after moving in he never changed and if I mentioned anything to him about him doing his fair share he would make out he did loads around the house

We are no longer together (his choice, but a bit of a blessing in disguise - someone else gets to be treated like a maid now)

curren · 14/04/2016 08:48

You need to tell her. It's not acceptable for a grown adult to work part time and not doing anything at home.

Would she prefer to have a full time job? I wouldn't want to work part time if I didn't have kids. I wouldn't enjoy spending my time doing housework. I would prefer to be at work.

At the moment you aren't really partners.

PPie10 · 14/04/2016 08:56

You need to be more firm about your expectations with her. She sounds very lazy.
She works part time yet can't unpack the rest. You're in for a treat if you have kids.
Why do you need to give her lists, is she incapable of thinking for herself what needs to be done.

MrsSteptoe · 14/04/2016 09:06

Klaxon: going against the flow of this thread... (dons tin hat)

Just to ask - when you say she works part-time, how many hours a week is that? Some people would describe my work as part-time, but actually it's 32 hours a week, which is near as makes no difference. Also, is her part-time work during the day? My 32 hours are all evening/night hours, and the gradual increasing tiredness has made me both depleted and depressed. So I leave loads of stuff to DH too, but it's a bit more complicated than Naughty Steptoe (and for the record, DH is a brick and gets on with it). This thread's not about me, so I'm not going to go on, but I just wondered what the answers to those questions were about your DP in case it's a factor.

JapaneseSlipper · 14/04/2016 09:14

"What's the hurry?" Tootsiepops presumably the OP would like to get on with his life rather than living out of boxes. Pretty easy to understand really.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 14/04/2016 09:18

She is being lazy. I was lazy when part time as well. I'd sit on my arse watching TV and eating biscuits.

It's boring unpacking, she probably just doesn't want to! Not saying that you're in the wrong, you're not at all, but she's probably thinking 'I'll just sit down for ten minutes, I'll just watch the end of this, oooh look that programme I caught the end of is repeated, oh shit husband's home and I've spent FIVE HOURS WATCHING TELLY?!'

It's easy to do. Not sure how you tackle the issue though!

Snoopydo · 14/04/2016 09:23

I would hate it if my partner wrote or texted me a list of things to do and I would only do it at my own pace.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 14/04/2016 09:26

I'm not saying she shouldn't be doing her fair share, of course she should, but if DP left me detailed lists of things he wanted me to do and then sent text reminders throughout the day, I wouldn't be impressed at all!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 14/04/2016 09:26

X post snoopy

airside · 14/04/2016 09:27

Who packed the stuff to move?

Stop treating her like a child with the text messages. Have a conversation, point out how you feel and that things need move on then (together) set a deadline for the unpacking to be finished. You might have to help move boxes into the right rooms if they are heavy and check there aren't any other barriers - if you're making lists and sending texts about it, she might be worried about putting stuff in the wrong place or not know where you want things.

Don't mention the word lazy during this conversation.

MrsSteptoe · 14/04/2016 09:27

Just a thought, OP, but would it be possible for your partner to take some extra hours in the short term and for you to take a bit of time off? Maybe that might play to everyone's strengths a bit better? Depends what you both do, of course, I realise it's not always possible...

Squashysbrother · 14/04/2016 09:28

It's really hard to say.

As another poster asked, is she spending time cleaning? I've noticed sometimes in relationships there's a discrepancy between cleaning and tidying.

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/04/2016 10:18

'Treating her like a child with the text messages' - they made the lists together and she is acting like a child! My dh and I text each other reminders of stuff to do while the other is at home, why is that treating someone like a child?! It's called communication.

Something she is clearly not doing at the moment is communicating. It might be as a pp said, she doesn't mean not to do it, it's just easy to laze around at home and procrastinate. If not, there's another issue she's not telling you.

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