To not know how to deal with my partners laziness?

[justsomebloke]

Back story is me and my wife have recently bought a house (6 weeks ago) and my wife who works part time is barely doing anything to help with the diy unpacking cleaning etc. I work full time and have done almost everything. I asked her to sort out the kitchen whilst I was at work on Monday and she unpacked the plates microwave toaster and cutlery. The rest was still upstairs in boxes. We have no children so heaven only knows what she did the rest of the time.

I've tried leaving her to it and assuming she'll do something (nothing happens), asking her to do a task like 'sort the kitchen out', see above, text reminders during the day, detailed lists, but even then something always gets 'forgotten'.

Our relationship is deteriorating rapidly because of this. Any advice? I didn't think she was lazy before we bought the house but struggling for an alternate explanation...

I would hate it if my partner wrote or texted me a list of things to do and I would only do it at my own pace.

And if that meant that it took you somewhere between six months and forever to do what your partner would have done in three days, presumably they just have to put up with that?

The texts exist because the sender is assuming that the reason for the lack of progress is not that the person unpacking is lazy, but because they have some sort of mental defect that causes them to be unable to see what needs doing. So he's just trying to help with that. (I suspect he has the diagnosis wrong though.)

OP, if she can't turn herself around in the next week or three, get rid, or you will be saddled for life with this. Don't make the mistake of trying to ignore or put up with this, if she can't change now she never will, and if you procrastinate on the divorce it will cost you a lot more when you finally snap after 5, 10 or 20 years of domestic misery. (Not that I'm projecting my own issues. Not at all. Really, I promise. OK, I might be lying.)

Thanks for the replies all. Much appreciated. We had another conversation this morning which went well. Tatiana and curren, specifically thank you for your responses as I used your words.

Basically she feels emotionally detached from the house and lacks motivation because we're not getting on well. And we're not getting on well because she doesn't help around the house. I told her that I don't know how to emotionally connect with her whilst she's able but unwilling to help out around the house and said things needed to change or in 2 months we'd be housemates not partners. This could be she works full time or she pulls her finger out with the house.

Ppie10 I agree with your post 100%

Mrssteptoe she works 16 hours a week

I work 15 hours a week and also carry out 10 hours unpaid voluntary work a week. That's only 25 hours a week I'm away from the house.
I would never dream of leaving the bulk of the housework to my husband who works 48 hours a week in a physically exhausting job, nor leave dirty dishes stacked in the sink or boxes lying around.
It's up to me to make sure he comes home to a tidy and clean home, Imo, if I'm home most of the week and he's working his arse off to support us.

She really needs to pull her finger out I'm afraid and get on with it. The emotional detachment, that will pass. It's pretty normal when you've just moved house, but the more she wallows in it the worse she'll feel.
Try to make her feel loved and secure though, if you can text or call her during the day"just to say I love you" rather than "have you unpacked the boxes for the bedroom yet?" if that makes sense...may make her feel a bit more secure and happier, and able to get on with things.
YANBU to feel frustrated. Let's hope she starts getting on with things and becomes less lethargic.

She works 16 hours a week and can't be bothered to unpack the rest of the time? She really has a lovely life doesn't she.

She is either passing the buck back to you (not motivated because of you) to cover her own laziness

Or she is actually detached, and might be suffering from depression?

How where things before this move? How long have you been together?

I've had days were I've been lazy, but normally I realise I've done fuck all, and dh will be home in an hour. So I've rushed round like a blue arsed fly, so it doesn't look like I've sat on my bum all drinking coffee and MNing day.

In your position, I'd be damb pissed off too, if it's everyday with no effort put in.

I think the "emotionally detached" bit is an excuse really. Not many people are emotionally attached to a house they've just moved into. She should just be honest and say she can't be arsed. Just because you're not getting along all the time doesn't mean life just stops.

Fwiw we're buying a house atm so packing everything up etc. Dp works full time I work 21 hours a week (sometimes more) both in physical jobs and we have a 1yo. We both pull out weight housework wise and wouldn't dream of leaving everything to the other person. That's because we're a partnership. You can't be a partnership if one person won't put the effort in.

I'm not saying you are in the wrong, but if you approach this as you being 100% in the right you're not doing the relationship any favours so I would start from the position of giving her some benefit of the doubt.

Did she have images of you happily unpacking together when she pictured you moving in to the house? Is she now feeling like the maid of all work (I am NOT saying she is)? I know you don't have kids but sometimes you can feel a bit like a drudge when you're at home and expected to do a list of tasks. Can you take some time off to do some stuff together and then try again?

Glad you have talked.

What did she say when you said she needs to start being a partner?

It sounds like she is blaming the relationship for her lack of motivation. She needs to woman up and crack on. It's not very mature to blame everything else except her

Is she cleaning and getting lost in time that way? I started cleaning my (not filthy) bathroom yesterday and before I knew it if been at it 3 hours. If she's losing track of time cleaning skirting or grouting that's a different matter to losing track of time doing nothing.

DH and I bicker about housework often. To him "gut the kitchen" is today the cupboards, out everything away and make sure all the dishes etc are done. To me "gut the kitchen" is get everything out of the cupboards, clean the cupboards, put things back, clean behind the cooker etc.

I can lose time easily and if we had just moved into a house it would take me ages to unpack. DH is out of the house for 11 hours 5 days and week and usually cooks every night.

I usually work 5 days a week but this week I have 3 unexpected days at home, so far I have spent 1 day doing the laundry and a quick tidy up, no way did this fill a whole day but it's all I did yesterday. Today I have had a mooch around the garden centre, cleared up from breakfast and been to have a manicure and pedicure, I did have plans this afternoon to clean the bathrooms and do the ironing but instead I am going to go and catch up with friends. Tomorrow I may do household things or I may do my own paperwork. There are lots of projects around the house that need doing but I am unlikely to get on with them. If DH sent me a list or told me what to do there would be an argument.

I don't think I would feel like helping to unpack with your attitude, you are not coming over well

Curren- she agreed thankfully. I asked her what she thought would make the biggest difference most quickly to the house and she chose doing a tip run, hoovering and doing a load of washing, which will happen tomorrow. It's only a few hours worth of work but she has prior commitments tomorrow to juggle. God help us if it doesnt get done.

I also agree with the rest of your post.

Fratelli- Just because you're not getting along all the time doesn't mean life just stops. Yes, you're exactly right. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to understand this so instead of it being a crap 4 weeks for everyone and then good again because it's all sorted, it's been a crap 6 weeks for me and we're halfway there. Good luck with your move! Though it does sound like you'll get through it better than we have!!

Regarding cleaning vs tidying- nothing is clean and nothing is tidy!!!