11 year old acting too old

[Rocco14]

My 11 year old daughter is very mature, both physically and mentally, she is on instagram and I've made sure her account is private and I'm added so I can see what she's posting, I'm not happy with her pouty pictures, one of them makes her look about 18, I don't want her to feel ashamed of her looks but don't know how to talk to her about it, I'm also worried about pics her friends have on there, one of her friends has a pic of her blowing up a condom, Aaarghhhhhh I don't know what to do! If I ban her from social media I'm going to turn her into that wierd kid who didn't have a telly at home, help!!!!

We didn't let our children sign up to social media sites until they were the correct ages as I didn't want them to have profiles saying they were older than they were. They also didn't have smart phones, in fact dd only got a mobile in the last year or so (she is 15) and ds (nearly 17) has no interest in having one. We had all computers in common rooms so that we could keep an eye out for what they were up to, but no controls on them. Lots of talking about what to watch out for, but of course they did do silly things from time to time. As did their friends whether they were banned or monitored, and most of them had at least one account on something their parents weren't aware of.

The issue with social media is that it follows you home, so it's really not like playground nastiness that stays at school. Plus all the possibilities around photographs and video of course. I'm not sure that there are any sure fire ways to protect children really, you have to guide them as much as possible, make sure that they know they can confide in you without judgement, even when they have done something stupid and then really just hope that they don't come across a clever predator.

Totally agree with lala above.

If your 11-12 year old has a phone, or any other unsupervised Internet access (eg at friends' houses) then they most likely have social media accounts - regardless of whether you know about them or not. It is much better to educate, accept that some mildly inappropriate stuff will happen but make sure that your child knows where to draw the line.

Instagram seems to be the current fad - when dd was 11/12 it was tumblr which is probaby worse. DD is sensible though - not perfect - but nothing that she will regret later. I'm confident that if anything untoward happened she would come to me.

I don't monitor my children's accounts (DD is nearly 15, and her 13 year old brother is uninterested in social media) - but obviously it would be preferable to do so at 11. The most important thing is to have a proper talk and to let her know where the lines are drawn.

Dd has Instagram. She is almost 12. It signed in on my phone too and she isn't allowed to accept friends without me looking at them first. Or follow people.

I also get notifications of any direct messages. She knows the rules and knows if they are broken the phone is removed. She also doesn't know the wifi password and I switch it in for her.

I don't see the issue of its well
Monitored and rules are set. If the rules are broken there are consequences.

It's been over a year and we haven't had any problems.

Mine isn't on social media as he's only 12.

my dd is 10 and the only mobile device she has is an old smart phone she downloads apps onto. she is absolutely not allowed on Instagram and wont be for some considerable time. there are too many weirdos

This is a most interesting thread, and It has enlightened me.
Ds is almost 10. He has no social media accounts. He's far too vulnerable. But I can see that I, like others, will have trouble ahead.

A friend of mine is a teacher. In her school they had a particularly harrowing time with social media, some time ago.
the community police/schools officers were called in to give a chat to the pupils. Think this was year 6. And I think it was Facebook bullying, with inappropriate snapchat photos by girls.
Anyhow. Policeman gave this stern and shocking talk on the whole social media/ photo sharing thing. Problem was, the children believed that they really did have 500 close friends on FB and that if you deleted your photos on snapchat, that was it. They were gone. The trouble is, they are not deleted. Chances are, they've been shared. One stupid photo has been sent God knows where.
Policeman also stated, bluntly that, no you probably don't have 500 friends your own age. Chances are they Are older than you, the opposite sex, and your FB friend for all the wrong reasons.

Friend said, she'd never seen a room so quiet. Colour drained from faces as reality sank in. Lots of tears.

Sometimes it takes a non family member with some cold hard facts to reach our children. They don't always take instruction from us. If they are "old enough" to be on social media, then IMO they're old enough for some horrid truths. Peer pressure or no.

Do any other schools get this sort of I put from the local community police/schools police officer ?

And my bosoms have also been hoiked!

We had as whole cyber safety week at DDs school recently for Year 4 and up.

They had police, internet safety experts, a couple of sessions for parents.

I really do believe that education & monitoring is far more sensible than a blanket ban on social media use, but it does depend on the child and of course parents are usually the best people to make that judgement call.

I think a talk by a disinterested adult is a good idea but only if they can refrain from spouting nonsense.

Y6 pupils might believe that their FB friends list is stuffed full of paedophiles and people pretending to be something they are not, or with ulterior motives. A Y8 or 9 student is going to be far less credulous, and once adults lose credibility they have lost it for good.

NewLife - I can't take her phone away, she needs it at school.
It has to be switched on and her timetable is live and can change quite frequently.
Only time it's not on her person is during academic lessons, as soon as they leave a classroom they have to check for messages from teachers, peers, assistants etc.

What sort of mad school is this?? A boarding school? The school should be dealing with social media problems more proactively then. Can't imagine why dc need to check for messages after every lesson - sounds crazy and pointless. They should have a school-wide parental control system.

Newlife's Dc is at boarding school - would have been helpful if she'd pointed this out to give some context.

OP I'm finding most responses here somewhat over the top.

Picture of condom blowing - I'd snigger at that.... They'll be putting condoms on bananas in PSHE next year.... Duck pout - it's a fashion. Same as leg warmers and blue eye shadow was when I was 11 - we all look at photos of our 11 year old selves and groan. It's really non worse.

You absolutely do need to talk to her about how to deal with bullying, inappropriate photos, people not being who they say they are etc. But don't delete the account.

Communication is the most important thing when you're parenting an adolescent. Monitoring her FB, Insta etc is sensible, you can talk about what you see, non judgementally, and encourage her to trust you won't go off on one when she comes across something she's not comfortable about.

All the posters who have deleted their dc's account - you do realise most of them still have accounts, you just no longer know about them, and you have shut off the lines of communication. Very naive to think otherwise.

Oh OP for future reference - don't post on AIBU unless you're up for a bunfight!

Does anyone know about Whatsapp? Does it have the same risks as other social media?

I didn't even have a mobile phone till I was 29!

It's true.

Fluffy given that the vast majority of MNers are parents and thus 30, 40, 50+ years old, most of wouldn't have grown up with mobiles, or the internet....

Aaarghhhhhh I don't know what to do! If I ban her from social media I'm going to turn her into that wierd kid who didn't have a telly at home, help!!!!

This is the issue. Your daughter is portraying an image you don't like. You are worried about portraying an image of the type of mum you are. You don't want to be seen as the uncool mum who takes your daughters phone away. You don't want her to be seen as an uncool kid. She can login to social media anywhere, so taking her phone away will do nowt.

YOU ARE THE ADULT HERE.

Allowing access to social media with parental monitoring seems the right way to go.

I deal with intelligent young adults 18-22 on a daily basis. The number of social media incidents we have are really quite shocking. They are terribly naive. We had a graduate recruiter in - got three volunteers to google their names. All three were surprised at what came-up and not in a good way. One young women was pretty upset at some photos of her drunk posted by a friend that came up.

I have found this - recently aired on Radio 4 - as a good basis for discussion about safe use of the Internet www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p03lj4vh

Hello, I think there may be some misunderstanding here.

My dd swore and lashed out verbally because there were racist comments being made to one of her friends. She and another girl reported it and it was dealt with immediately.
The boy showing his penis was at end of summer hols last year before she started the school.
They have controls on internet at school. I have pc on her phone.
I don't think she is socially aware enough for social media and will be making sure it stays removed now.
I told the story about the boy showing his penis to illustrate it isn't just social media we need to be aware of as this didn't include social media just a camera on a phone and text.
I hope that clears it up.

One young women was pretty upset at some photos of her drunk posted by a friend that came up

There are plenty of risks, like this one, that all the social media education in the world won't help. Our children can't control what their friends do, but we can teach them to manage risk in both their real and online lives.

I don't think you are irresponsible at all. That said if she can't use it responsibly, she doesn't have it. Period. Give her a crappy phone with no camera or Internet and tell her she can have hers back when she is mature enough to handle it.

Sorry but I'm one of those parents who won't be letting my kids have a smartphone until they prove themselves responsible. They can have a simple phone at 11 but they have to earn anything better. They'll strop but it won't kill them.

Catmuffin whatsapp is a chat thing. It has some of the same risks re photos and bullying potential (they can chat in groups).

I don't like it for the kids because although they can only add their contacts to a group chat said contacts can add other people who are their contacts (if that makes sense - I could add you if I had your number and you could then add one of your friends meaning I was chatting to someone I didn't actually know).

DD1 has it (she's 13) as some at her dance lessons coordinate buses and v.imortant things like matching outfits on it. You can archive the chats so they can be seen, but I wouldn't be happy with a younger child/less sensible child having it as it feel less easy to monitor.