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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

11 year old acting too old

106 replies

Rocco14 · 13/04/2016 21:58

My 11 year old daughter is very mature, both physically and mentally, she is on instagram and I've made sure her account is private and I'm added so I can see what she's posting, I'm not happy with her pouty pictures, one of them makes her look about 18, I don't want her to feel ashamed of her looks but don't know how to talk to her about it, I'm also worried about pics her friends have on there, one of her friends has a pic of her blowing up a condom, Aaarghhhhhh I don't know what to do! If I ban her from social media I'm going to turn her into that wierd kid who didn't have a telly at home, help!!!!

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 13/04/2016 22:54

NewLife - if that was my dd, I'd think she certainly wasn't mature enough for social media and I'd take her phone away. She surely knows about inappropriate language? And of course you can take her phone away! Who's the parent here? What's she going to be like at 15 if you're not in charge now??

NewLife4Me · 13/04/2016 22:57

I can't take her phone away, she needs it at school.
It has to be switched on and her timetable is live and can change quite frequently.
Only time it's not on her person is during academic lessons, as soon as they leave a classroom they have to check for messages from teachers, peers, assistants etc.

I can make sure she doesn't use it when she comes home though.

JokesLOL · 13/04/2016 22:57

You can educate and monitor you own children but you can't educate and monitor their friends.

westcoastnortherneragain · 13/04/2016 22:59

Definitely get rid of instagram!

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 13/04/2016 23:00

Or, alternatively you teach safeguarding and monitor their use.

Children are inherently risk takers. It's part of the biological imperative that gets them out of the safe warm nest and into their own independent lives. Around early teen years this escalates and by late teens hits its peak. It is, unfortunately, related to the high proportion of young men who have serious car accidents. Children are also prime targets for being duped by others who seem nice, and for trusting and obeying adults. The most well-prepared child is an easy target for the right kind of online predator who knows how to play them. Smart, streetwise adults fall prey to online scams and crimes every single day. Why would you let a child spend any time on a platform that is swarming with opportunists?

PerspicaciaTick · 13/04/2016 23:00

You can block condom friend.
And talk to your DD about why it isn't appropriate. You are monitoring her account, you've spotted some things you don't think are right, now you can talk to her and protect her. Sounds like you are doing the right thing and if you follow through your DD will be in a better place to make good decisions as she grows older and you can't monitor her any more.

millimat · 13/04/2016 23:00

DD is 12.5 and like others here, most friends are on it but she has no interest tho get involved. She's not that weird one though. Has lots of friends and doesn't need social media.

JokesLOL · 13/04/2016 23:02

NewLife

Don't you have parental controls activated on her phone? or can she access (either purposely or accidentally ) things such as disturbing or sexual images?

HPsauciness · 13/04/2016 23:05

Out of my dd's 12 year olds, I'd say about a third or more have some type of social media account. My dd is allowed a mobile, texting, Whatsapp and to Skype but nothing more, although even then if she wanted to text or post inappropriate messages, I might not know about it even in those places.

It's a difficult age, they don't magically get responsible, start duck pouting, and being interested in sexuality only at age 13 or over.

My dd is 12 and at 11 was more similar to how I was at 13/14. I don't know how you should handle it, but I wouldn't feel like no-one else has social media because a lot of them do.

NewLife4Me · 13/04/2016 23:06

Yes, pc on her phone and linked to my devices.
I also can't control what other people's kids send.
Today was swearing and racism, lovely

I think it depends on the child tbh, some are fine others aren't ready at this agee.
This is why I keep making her delete it but if she sets it up again at school I can't do anything about it until I see her next, sometimes 2 weeks.

School have to deal with this stuff everyday, some schools don't bother and leave it to parents, even when they are in loco parentis.

fresta · 13/04/2016 23:07

My dd is 10 and in Y6 and has an instagram account. We monitor it closely, but in the real world most of her class have an account and we felt that denying her one would mean that socially she would be disadvantaged. At school it is something they spend time discussing and knowing what it felt like as a child when your parents wouldn't let you do something everyone else was allowed to do we decided to allow her one. There have a been one or two issues that needed addressing but early experience of this rather than been thrown in at the deep end later is better in my opinion.

NewLife4Me · 13/04/2016 23:15

If people think it's just social media they are being very naive too.
Last Aug or Sept my dd received a photo of her old classmates penis.
No social media, he took the photo and sent it as a message.

You can't help what other children do, you can educate but that doesn't help.
Why would you not open a message from a friend, unless you suspected something?

JokesLOL · 13/04/2016 23:15

NewLife. What type of phone does she have. I don't know about android phones but it's easy to block certain apps or websites with IPhones. If she can download things without you permission it doesn't sound like you have the parental controls set up properly.

NewLife4Me · 13/04/2016 23:15

sorry, doesn't always help.

landrover · 13/04/2016 23:16

I wonder whether some parents are being seriously misled! I have a 13 year old. She uses only pinterest (which I see on my devices too as I am linked). A few of her friends are on snap chat etc but not all by any means. A few of her friends don't have smart phones, they are not ostracised. Are parents being taken in? And I am gobsmacked that parents are happy that their child is lying about their age to use these apps.

JokesLOL · 13/04/2016 23:16

Oh dear that's terrible NewLife. I'd have been livid. I hope you reported it.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/04/2016 23:16

I can't take her phone away, she needs it at school. It has to be switched on and her timetable is live and can change quite frequently. Only time it's not on her person is during academic lessons, as soon as they leave a classroom they have to check for messages from teachers, peers, assistants etc.

So the school provide the phone? If so, I would be asking them to address the problem more effectively. If not, I would be telling them that they needed to find a different way of communicating with the children. It isn't reasonable to expect all of the children to have smartphones.

My dd doesn't yet have a phone of any sort, but in the future, if she isn't able to use a smartphone sensibly, she will find that it is quickly replaced with a very simple phone for calls and texts only.

NewLife4Me · 13/04/2016 23:17

She just opens new accounts parental controls are on.
Maybe she has a tech friend who removes the pc for her to set it up.
will look at this.

AvaLeStrange · 13/04/2016 23:19

IMHO the issue isn't Instagram so much as the way your DD and her friends behave on it, and if they are behaving inappropriately or in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable online, then stopping access to social media (I presume you have sight of/access to her account, may just mean you are less aware of her overall behaviour.

I have the same approach as itsmine - my 11yo DD is tech mad. She codes, builds websites and Minecraft servers and has her own blog as well as using social networking. She has had it drummed into her since she was old enough to use a keyboard that no photos of her or personal information gets shared online.

Recently she raised the alarm about a person her friend had become involved with on a gaming server. Sadly her friend is no longer speaking to her as a result, but she proved that she not only knew how to handle the situation but could be trusted to do so.

Communication, trust & boundaries are vital but I think banning social media more or less completely is somewhat shortsighted tbh.

landrover · 13/04/2016 23:19

Another idea for anybody is to restrict your child to free wifi only and make sure that your home wifi has restricted settings. (My hubby can't view porn, but hey ho!! :-)

Original poster

Rocco14 · 13/04/2016 23:20

Of course I spoke to her about the condom picture!!! I am a teacher and exposed many of her year 6 friends for online bullying and using their phones after bedtime at the time when my daughter was in the same school as me . she's now at secondary school in a different school to me and I need her to have a phone so I can make sure she is safe going and coming home from school. I consider myself a responsible parent and I'm quite shocked at the negative response on here towards me on this post to be honest, I was just asking if anyone had similar experiences, thankyou to those who didn't make me feel like a shit, useless parent, yes I am the parent!

OP posts:

JokesLOL · 13/04/2016 23:20

NewLife. It sounds like she is the type to push her luck. If I were you I'd get something sorted so that you are back in control. I'm guessing it's not an iPhone then?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/04/2016 23:21

Aside from the Instagram use because I compleatly agree with kids not using it but

I'm not sure I get the problem with an 11yo blowing up a condom, obviously I'm assuming you mean like a ballon.

I don't think I know any 11/12yo's who wouldn't do that with one if they thought the grown ups wernt looking

NewLife4Me · 13/04/2016 23:22

Broken

They all have phones because it isn't practical or them not to have.
They'd never know if they were coming or going.
It's there own phone, not provided by school.

They do what they can, they are really great at safeguarding (even on a sunday) but some things get through. They found this pretty much straight away today. I have no problem with the school and how they administer timetables etc.

landrover · 13/04/2016 23:24

Sorry Rocco, but surely even you would agree that encouraging your child to lie about their age to use social media is not a great idea. As I said before, Im not convinced ALL kids are using Instagram etc (that may be what they tell you!)(shrugs)

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