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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

11 year old acting too old

106 replies

Rocco14 · 13/04/2016 21:58

My 11 year old daughter is very mature, both physically and mentally, she is on instagram and I've made sure her account is private and I'm added so I can see what she's posting, I'm not happy with her pouty pictures, one of them makes her look about 18, I don't want her to feel ashamed of her looks but don't know how to talk to her about it, I'm also worried about pics her friends have on there, one of her friends has a pic of her blowing up a condom, Aaarghhhhhh I don't know what to do! If I ban her from social media I'm going to turn her into that wierd kid who didn't have a telly at home, help!!!!

OP posts:

NewLife4Me · 13/04/2016 23:27

Jokes

Totally agree with you, have realised this today and last night.
Have a couple of threads running in SEN actually.

yes, the boy was being silly and we sorted it out between parents, as we knew them. Dd wasn't affected and told him to put it away and stop being a silly little boy.
Kids had been friends for years and whilst he knew he'd done wrong and the severity after a good bollocking from parents.

landrover · 13/04/2016 23:30

Newlife, do you tell her not to do this? Can you involve the school? I would be asking the school to change the system or to sort out their settings for the internet. If they want the kids to use phones (?) then it is up to the school to manage the safety. That is really odd, I would be very angry indeed.

fresta · 13/04/2016 23:30

Boys used to show girls their penis's in real life!

landrover · 13/04/2016 23:34

Well sorry fresta, never happened to me. Does that mean it is ok then?

MaybeLater4 · 13/04/2016 23:37

The thing is, if you stop her using it, she may then feel left out or excluded from her friendship group and resent you for it

HPsauciness · 13/04/2016 23:41

fresta you show me yours, I show you mine and such games were quite common in late primary in my school in the 70's. We were all fairly clueless (ok, I was), but some of the girls weren't, and the first girl reported being sexually active age 11, and the first one pregnant was 13.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/04/2016 23:51

Fair enough NewLife, if you're happy with the situation. Personally, if dd's school made it "impossible" for me to control my 11yo dd's access to social media that is intended for use by kids over the age of 13, I wouldn't be very happy at all, but if it isn't a concern for you, then there is obviously no need to talk to the school.

Catmuffin · 13/04/2016 23:54

Newlife It sounds like the school need to get more involved in regulating how the kids are using their phones as you can't be expected to be able to do it while she is at boarding school.

Kitla · 14/04/2016 00:15

My daughter was allowed Instagram from year 6, with the proviso I also had her account logged into my phone. I found this to be an excellent compromise.

When she started, I found many parents were like posters on here declaring that they wouldn't allow their children to have Instagram. This always made me because I saw my DDs Instagram and knew full well that all these parents who wouldn't allow it - their children had secret accounts behind their parents backs. One child I know only ever accessed it through other people's phones, so it could never be traced back and her parents didn't find out. Interestingly, it was the secret accounts that had the most inappropriate posts.

As I had DDs account logged into my phone, DD knew I saw everything - private messages, posts, friends' posts all used to flash up on my phone. At first, I would talk to her about different posts, so she could see why it's inappropriate to do the chain posts etc...

As she's learnt the rules and gained a clear social awareness of social acceptability, I've been able to take a step back and give her more freedom. I turned off the notifications and now don't need to check her messages as such. I have always encouraged open dialogue with DD and she does sometimes check things with me ...

So now, we're in a position where she's developed a sound understanding of Instagram, has a clear idea of the rules and what's appropriate and what's not... and I barely check it these days. Interestingly, after 18 months she's outgrown Instagram, finds it boring and rarely posts. Doesn't stop the bloody pouty faces though - although her latest is to take selfies from the nose downwards. Heaven knows why!

JokesLOL · 14/04/2016 00:19

Real life 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' was never a good idea but if it's done online when there might be everlasting photographic evidence which might be distributed to God know who it's a million times worse.

It the same with porn. When I was younger my DBs had porn mags. I didn't exactly approve but it pales into insignificance compared with the dangers of being able to access online porn where you could end up viewing extremely disturbing nasty images or even accidentally viewing children or rape victims.

I dissaprove of people who do not have any parental restrictions or who do not monitor their children's online access. My bosoms if I had any are hoiked.

MammaTJ · 14/04/2016 00:24

NO NO NO! My year 6 child tried to download Instagram and was stopped! Not appropriate for that age at all! End of discussion with her and it should have been with your DD!

Original poster

Rocco14 · 14/04/2016 00:29

I haven't been on mumsnet for years, when I had an ectopic years ago I met a really wonderful friend who got me through it, she was my saviour, went on here for support years later and , apart from a few, found it is full of judgemental people trying to prove they are alpha mothers, I looked around on other posts and found the same, is it only those arrogant people posting horrible unsupportive anonymous messages? Where is the support? I reached out and left feeling like crap

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 14/04/2016 00:49

Oh dear! Sorry I cannot support your poor decision!

Again, sorry!

Original poster

Rocco14 · 14/04/2016 00:58

Mama tj I don't think end of discussion is appropriate when trying to guide children, surely discussion is everything in this crucial point in their lives?

OP posts:

JokesLOL · 14/04/2016 01:01

OP, you posted on AIBU and asked what to do. Posters have generally replied by telling you that you should remove her Instagram. I've said I'm judgey about people who don't monitor or control their DCs online access but other than that I don't see that people have been unsupportive or mean. What were you expecting people to say?

MammaTJ · 14/04/2016 01:05

Mama tj I don't think end of discussion is appropriate when trying to guide children, surely discussion is everything in this crucial point in their lives?

Well, that is why you are here moaning about your 11 year old postin inappropriatly and I am not!

13 for social media, then with supervision. It's not hard but takes effort.

Original poster

Rocco14 · 14/04/2016 01:11

Sorry I'm just feeling really sensitive, I have actually taken her phone away until I can figure out what to do, I just hate myself for not being able to sort this one out, I have always prided myself on being in control and a good mum and now I feel like I'm losing it a bit, sorry for lashing out, I just want to do the right thing, I want to keep communication open with my dd but I feel she is moving away from me and hating me , she calls me a stalker! Don't mean to be rude to mumsnetters just frustrated with myself

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 14/04/2016 01:17

Ok, I get this! Just had a row this week with my DD about Instagram! They do put pressure on, especially 'Blah blah is allowed it, why can't I'.

Stick answer is 'So and so is blah blahs mum, I am yours. I make decisions for you, no one else'. I usually find blah blah had had the same conversation with her mum too!

Just remove the Instagram and tell her you were wrong to let her have it in the first place!

A mum keeping an eye on an 11 year old online is not a stalker but a caring mum! Repeat as needed!

JokesLOL · 14/04/2016 01:23

Don't beat yourself up OP, we've all been there done that one way or another. Most of us are making this parenting lark up as we go along .

I think 11 is a bit of a crucial age where some kids try to assert themselves but don't quite know how to handle it. I think if you let them get the upper hand at this age then you are going to be really stuck when they are older and it really starts to matter.

You need to be calling the shots not her. I let my kids earn my respect and trust and then I would reward them with more and more freedom. If my kids had downloaded an app I had specifically told them not to they would loose my trust.

Is the phone an iPhone?

JokesLOL · 14/04/2016 01:33

BTW does the school have a social media policy?

JokesLOL · 14/04/2016 01:34

Oh sorry, I forgot its Newlife with the DC in boarding school

LucyBabs · 14/04/2016 01:37

6 year olds doing duck pouts WTF?
My dd is 7 she has no access to the Internet why should she? Her just turned 8 yr old friend has free reign, she has 24/7 access.

My niece is 11 and posts public vids of herself in all manner of poses. My sister is ignorant to it all.

Are people that weak or stupid. Who cares if their friends have fb/Twitter/Snapchat accounts.
I like to think I'm protecting my child by keeping them away from social media for as long as possible

SeriousSteve · 14/04/2016 01:38

It amazes me parents let young children onto these platforms. You wouldn't let your 9-13 year old walk down a road filled with opportunist paedophiles on one side and sexual groomers on the other, yet you are allowing your children to do this - including visibly with photographs, or in real-time by messaging.

Please don't assume safeguarding covers the dangers fully, or even partly. It's a basic level of protection. The people on the internet don't care about this, and know how to circumvent the known flags.

Even in this thread ForTheSakeOfFuck has had her advice poo-pooed by a parent proudly waving a safeguarding banner above their heads. The simple FACT here is that the vast majority of parents are clearly unaware of the dangers the Internet offers yet allow their children variable levels of access from very young ages. Go read the reports by Dr. Mary Aiken on this.

Baconyum · 14/04/2016 01:46

Newlife I take it you are nrp? If so you're in a difficult position if other parent not in agreement about her losing her phone.

If it were my dd doing this (but I'm an RP and ex doesn't take many interest and doesn't pay for phone) she'd have smart phone confiscated and £10 brick to replace, then I'd be speaking to the school to communicate in non electronic form with her at least, given they've been in touch I'd be surprised if they had a problem with this.

Hope you've spoken to her about how and why her comments were out of order?

Op yes 11 too young I'd get rid too.

lalalalyra · 14/04/2016 02:19

I think once children have the means to access social media away from parents it's safer to know they have an account and to monitor it closely.

DD1's best friend absolutely isn't allowed on any social media platform at all. She's almost 13, but her parents forbid it. Which meant they weren't able to see the ill advised photos she posted. They didn't even have a discussion about why so she was massively naive.

They soon changed their mind about my "idiotic pandering" to DD1 when our rules about it lead to her confiding her worries about her friend to me.

It was also my "careless" attitude to my DDs and the fact they'd made several trips on the bus alone and were armed with good skills that meant a drunk man at the bus stop didn't turn into the drama their panicking DD almost made it.

I have full access to my DD's accounts. They don't even know the password. They don't have other accounts because they don't need them therefore I see every connection they make, every message they receive and it also helps me be aware of any teen dramas going on between their friendship group without it being ott.

Social media isn't any worse than girls being cliquey bitches in the underpass when I was at school if it's monitors properly and the kids are equipped well with skills. The problems are when parents believe their 12yo have "a right to privacy" which actually translates too "do what you like online", when parents don't realise their kids have an online profile or when the kids are far more tech savvy than their parent.

If you are happy for your DD to use social media with your careful monitoring then that's your decision to make. No one on here knows your child so you need to make the rules for your circumstance.

I have 13yo twin girls. One has a little more freedom than the other. That's how rules have to be made imp - tailored to your child. Being under or over 13 isn't a magic line.

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