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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my weekends as relaxation time not babysitting other people's kids time

128 replies

I8toys · 13/04/2016 20:28

Myself and DH work 5 days per week and weekends are precious. We have two ds 12 and 10. DH's younger brother and SIL have a child 18 months old. BIL can't hold down a job - gets bored and relies on FIL for most things. He recently started a new job full time and she works full time. Toddler in nursery 5 days per week.

MIL and FIL look after the baby on Saturdays - they either go their house or BIL/SIL go to MIL/FIL' house. This is every Saturday and even when the child is ill - they will go to MIL/FIL house - mid week whatever. Fine whatever they want to do. However MIL/FIL have now said they will only go to BIL/SIL house to look after child because when they go to MIL/FIL house they either go to bed and go shopping - no interaction with toddler at all.

MIL/FIL are away on a cruise at the moment. We get a call - can we come over this weekend? FFS AIBU to not want to go entertain this? We had them a couple of weeks ago - they came on a Sunday when my parents were there - were fed Sunday lunch and I ended up looking after the toddler. I don't want it to be a regular occurrence and I feel they need to look after their own kid occasionally - maybe take them out somewhere. Prepared to be told I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:
parissont · 15/04/2016 07:02

I can't get beyond the fact that they have a nap in the middle of the day. Are they ill!

Original poster
I8toys · 15/04/2016 07:04

I know Chottie but when does it end - she is their responsibility? They are both lazy - what if something happens to PIL - is it then our responsibility? It annoys me that they are both capable but have chosen not to parent. They just shop, sleep and eat.

OP posts:
VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 15/04/2016 07:05

This isn't an issue for social services. It's pretty crap parenting and the poor child is likely to end up with some emotional issues as she gets older but it's not a child protection concern. The family should be tackling it properly.

Original poster
I8toys · 15/04/2016 07:09

I feel guilty for not wanting to have her and want to help but allowing them to continue doing this is not helping her in the long run.

If they came over and we all went to the park and interacted that would be fine. But last time they were fed, sat down, watched tv and I took care of her.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/04/2016 07:16

Are they wanting to see you for the whole weekend?

How far away are they?

Could you turn it around another time & say that it would be nice to see them & you'll pop to the for coffee/lunch/an hour or two?

Original poster
I8toys · 15/04/2016 07:23

Just Saturday as we have my parents over on Sunday. They are about an hour away? We have ds1 football in morning or would have turned it around.

OP posts:
Hissy · 15/04/2016 07:40

People like you are decent human beings. Potentially even a tad on the people pleasing side, you care about others and what thy think. This is why you feel guilt. Because you're the kind of people who never say no to "helping" others.

But this is not help. It's palming a toddler off because they don't care enough about her to invest in engagement.

It will always be this way the longer it's allowed.

Say no. Don't even give an excuse. If they push it tell them that they are parents and it's about time they stepped up and stopped making their child/dog/life everyone else's problem.

The gravy train has now left the station.

ZenNudist · 15/04/2016 07:41

I don't really understand how you 'end up looking after her'. If someone comes round my hous with a young child then it's their parents responsibility to watch them.

You're clearly doing more than I would. If baby comes out into kitchen where you are then say 'who's watching her?', hand her back to her parents and say 'tag you're it', be really clear and say 'she was into xyz' please keep an eye on her. Turn off tv if need be and suggest you all go for a walk. Point out child is getting bored and she needs someone to play with. Laugh if they ask you and say 'served my time man and boy, don't envy you with a toddler '

cleaty · 15/04/2016 07:49

This sounds like a family I know. The elderly GPs basically raised their 2 kids.

Original poster
I8toys · 15/04/2016 07:58

ZenNudist I so wish I was you!! Thing is when she is here I want to show her all the things she is missing out on and play with her - got my boys old toys out and she loved them. But they were too noisy apparently so they weren't taken home.

I need to stop being so negative about it and try and help out. They are not coming this weekend because I need my own time so will suggest we go over there and take her out to soft play so she experience it for the first time!!

OP posts:
parissont · 15/04/2016 08:00

They sound lazy and entitled. Not a social services case though!

tobysmum77 · 15/04/2016 08:02

Yanbu in any way at all.

HermioneWeasley · 15/04/2016 08:19

It's such a hard one, and we have had it in a ,Essex form because we live further away.

I,woukdnt put up with it this weekend, but longer term, if you love your niece you will have to step in and fill some of the parenting void. I bitterly resent providing unexpected childcare for mine, but feel really sorry for the kid and she misses out on so much. As I say to DP "somebody has to love that kid"

LittleLionMansMummy · 15/04/2016 08:19

If one issue is you end up sitting around in the house all day, can you say "sure, come over, we're planning a day out at the park/ going for a walk (or whatever)". Staying home all day with 3 kids of varying ages would test even the most patient person, I understand that. But I would probably welcome some time with my niece.

Dh and I worked ft when ds was 18 months. If anything, we were more reluctant to give up what little remaining time we had with ds at weekends. We used to get complaints because we didn't ask family to look after him enough! I don't understand your sil/ bil wanting to offload their child at every opportunity, but as long as it doesn't become a regular issue for you I'd probably put up with it occasionally, but suggest doing something together rather than staying at home. If they don't go for it then don't feel guilty in saying "oh, that's a shame as those are the plans we've made now - perhaps another weekend."

StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2016 08:20

Emotional neglect is a child protection concern

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/04/2016 08:43

Just say no or let dh look after dn and see his brother

If mil and fil don't want to see them every sat and look after dn then they need to say

If they do come over then say we are going out to park so being wellies and spare clothes for you all incase you all get muddy

GingerMerkin · 15/04/2016 08:44

You poor thing OP, sorry to hear you are not feeling too well. If anyone needs your bed for a rest this weekend it is you.

My mum was the road dumping ground for neighbourhood kids when I was young - total soft touch and couldn't say no. I used to come home from school to find children put down to rest in my bed - bed wetters too! I resented it and certainly would not have played with or entertained the kids.

Think you have a long and miserable battle ahead of you. You are much nicer than me so will not be much fun.

parissont · 15/04/2016 09:07

longer term, if you love your niece you will have to step in and fill some of the parenting void.

No she doesn't Confused

Original poster
I8toys · 15/04/2016 09:51

It has made me realise I do not want any more children or be a grandma yet.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/04/2016 10:02

OK, so not happening this weekend, but another time you could go after football practice.

An hr away doesn't mean having to stay the full day.

Long term, as someone says, just don't take the responsibility on.

And if they try to go upstairs for a rest, either tell them not to be so fucking rude, to go home as there is no point in them being at yours or hand their daughter to them as they try!

Meet halfway somewhere?

It doesn't sound as if there is much of a relationship between your husband & his brother(?),so he must think it odd that they suddenly want to visit when parents are away?

Original poster
I8toys · 15/04/2016 10:04

DH knows exactly what they are doing and is pissed off with his brother for lumbering his mum and dad. As I said they moan to DH about them so its hard for him to remain neutral in it all but he tries.

OP posts:
Original poster
I8toys · 15/04/2016 10:10

Bit of history of BIL - gambling addiction at University at 18, left and parents bailed him out. I cannot count the number of jobs he has had and left - teaching being one as it was too hard. Been abroad for jobs but left his house here in the UK for DH and FIL to sort out - sales and moving twice. He is a selfish loner - who holidays on his own so that it why it surprised us all when he married and now has a child. He met her when he was teaching at an international school. He is 43 and so completely different from DH who is an amazing father and husband.

OP posts:
MartinaJ · 15/04/2016 10:12

totally and absolutely not BU! It's your free time. They are more than welcome but they have to look after their own children themselves.

MartinaJ · 15/04/2016 10:15

longer term, if you love your niece you will have to step in and fill some of the parenting void. I bitterly resent providing unexpected childcare for mine, but feel really sorry for the kid and she misses out on so much.

The OP can't save the whole world. She has her own life and her own health and well-being of her family to look after. This is a ridiculous statement and basically emotional blackmail. Maybe she could give you their address so you can do it on your own initiative?

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 15/04/2016 10:48

Emotional neglect is a child protection concern
Child protection, aka section 47 investigations need to be based on likelihood of significant harm. This does not meet that threshold, nowhere near.
You can be a surprising shit parent without meeting the threshold for significant harm.