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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my weekends as relaxation time not babysitting other people's kids time

128 replies

I8toys · 13/04/2016 20:28

Myself and DH work 5 days per week and weekends are precious. We have two ds 12 and 10. DH's younger brother and SIL have a child 18 months old. BIL can't hold down a job - gets bored and relies on FIL for most things. He recently started a new job full time and she works full time. Toddler in nursery 5 days per week.

MIL and FIL look after the baby on Saturdays - they either go their house or BIL/SIL go to MIL/FIL' house. This is every Saturday and even when the child is ill - they will go to MIL/FIL house - mid week whatever. Fine whatever they want to do. However MIL/FIL have now said they will only go to BIL/SIL house to look after child because when they go to MIL/FIL house they either go to bed and go shopping - no interaction with toddler at all.

MIL/FIL are away on a cruise at the moment. We get a call - can we come over this weekend? FFS AIBU to not want to go entertain this? We had them a couple of weeks ago - they came on a Sunday when my parents were there - were fed Sunday lunch and I ended up looking after the toddler. I don't want it to be a regular occurrence and I feel they need to look after their own kid occasionally - maybe take them out somewhere. Prepared to be told I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
I8toys · 13/04/2016 21:30

I know I will end up looking after the baby whilst they sit and watch football or some sport. And we feed them all. 😣

OP posts:
KimmySchmidtsSmile · 13/04/2016 21:40

You can play this one of four ways:

  1. No can do: something has come up/you are all ill/ you all need to visit YOUR in-laws * they cope alone
  2. Yes come over BUT you and your DC are at the cinema watching Zootopia * your DH does any babysitting
  3. Yes come over but YOU go out all afternoon * your DH or DC pitch in entertaining their cousin
  4. Yes come over and you offer them respite/nap/tea and take the toddler to soft play * you get a medal but might be enabling/setting yourself up

I would do 4. as I am a softie and have had PND three times. Plus I quite like soft play.
If I wanted my DH to wake up and smell the coffee I would do 2. if I wanted to punish him.
If I really felt strongly that this would set a precedent then I would do 1. and lie my ass off.

serin · 13/04/2016 21:40

Poor kid.

I hope they grow to want to spend some time with her soon.

Maybe they realise that GP's are not going to last forever (sorry to sound heartless) and want to groom you up to be their next port of call.

coconutpie · 13/04/2016 21:42

Say no!! Why can't you just say no? Don't put up with this crap any longer. They are taking the piss. If DH wants to babysit so bad, tell him he can go to THEIR house and mind their baby. But they are not welcome in your house just so they can hand over responsibility for their child.

Original poster
I8toys · 13/04/2016 21:44

I have thought of all of those scenarios. I feel for the baby but she is their responsibility at the end of the day and they keep passing her around - I know why MIL does it because she loves her granddaughter but think a little tough love needs to be shown at some point.

OP posts:
Valentine2 · 13/04/2016 21:53

I think it's better for the kid that some family member hammers this into the parents to actually start taking their parenting seriously. About time. If it has to be you, so be it. After all, you have earned the weekend and your DH's parents have already indicated they aren't happy with the things. Have an open and straightforward discussion with your DH and tell them a clear cut no. Best way forward

Amy214 · 13/04/2016 21:58

I know how you feel my niece and nephew are at my house 5 days a week, i have to take my niece to nursery 4x a week whilst looking after my own dd and my nephew. They also ask if i can look after them at the weekend so they can 'tidy the house' i have to literally run away from my own home so i dont see them (sounds like i hate them but i just want some time with dd by myself)

PegsPigs · 13/04/2016 21:58

This sounds like neglect Sad

mishmash1979 · 13/04/2016 22:00

Absolutely do NOT let them come over and be pandered to. They work 5 days a week so the weekend is the only time they have to look after THEIR baby. I have 4 children and in the 15 years I have been a mum we have had 4 weekends a way and 3 evenings out a year!!!! That sort of behaviour would piss me off. You have done your time with having toddlers to look after; lay back and enjoy this new stage of parenthood where u get a bit of your life back!!!

mishmash1979 · 13/04/2016 22:02

Also make plans to go out with your kids and do something impossible to do with an 18m old so u can't take him!!!

InionEile · 13/04/2016 22:06

Did your PILS do the same for you and DH when your DC were young? Did the BIL & partner ever offer babysitting to you in return? If no to either of the above then you would be very foolish to offer them any help! Family support when you have young DC is nice but it should be reciprocated somehow.

If they ask again tell them, 'sure we'll take Toddler Niece, no problem. What film / zoo / park / shops are you taking my DC to while we look after her?'

Witchend · 13/04/2016 22:06

I get you.
They never have any interest in seeing you, until they realised they can basically hand babysitting over.
Got relation like that. Never contacted or showed any interest in us until one large family get to father where they discovered my dc are quite good,at looking after their toddler so they can do what they want. Suddenly they thought maybe we'd like to spend our weekends over there ...
And then we get the "are you busy x weekend?" Phone calls. We've learnt to always be busy as it's followed up by "oh good we'll need to drop the children off at 6.30am so we can get to the xyz we want to go to " (along with 12 pages of instructions that must not be deviated from by 30seconds. )They haven't yet worked out why they struggle to find babysitters.

If they'd shown any interest in wanting to know us as people rather than a useful child deposit centre ot would be very different.

EweAreHere · 13/04/2016 22:07

If your husband thinks it's oh so reasonable because it's his brother, let him go to their house for the day. He won't make that mistake again if he's left chasing after the toddler.

NewLife4Me · 13/04/2016 22:08

Tell dh that as it's so important to him you'll understand why he can't enjoy a day out with you and the dc, just this once.
Well after all, what can he do it's his brother Grin

Valentine2 · 13/04/2016 22:08

AMY214
😳 I can't think of what to say? How in the world did it get this bad??

Original poster
I8toys · 13/04/2016 22:12

Not much help from PIL - I only worked 3 days when mine were little and she would take care of one of them if I needed to work and they couldn't go to nursery but not every week and we would visit on a Sunday and stay for a couple of hours perhaps once a month. She babysat once i think which is all we needed. I loved being with mine when they were babies. BIL and SIL never babysat for us but we never wanted them to.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 13/04/2016 22:19

Wow!!! I would tell them I was busy...every weekend!

brrrr · 13/04/2016 22:25

Or better still, you bail out and go shopping - leaving all 3 DC with your DH Wink
It's his brother after all... Grin

lorelei9here · 13/04/2016 22:28

Sorry to be thick
The parents if this toddler go their parents house, leaving the toddler whike they nap or go shopping?

If I've got that right, they will behave the same in their own house surely? They should learn to cope with their own child surely?

Original poster
I8toys · 13/04/2016 22:47

Apparently they engage with her more in their own home when in laws are there but still MIL looks after her.

They get two full days with her per week - they are precious and shouldn't be shared with others every weekend IMO. They don't seem to be a family unit.

OP posts:
SquidgeyMidgey · 13/04/2016 22:51

Say that sounds like a good idea to help each other out, and they can have yours the one after.

Or just say no, leave your DH to do the babysitting.

age81 · 13/04/2016 23:08

How old are they? I'm guessing 30+ if MIL is in her 70's.

I would hate for anyone to sleep in my bed and what normal person does that? It's different having s lay down, but actually getting into someone's else's bed because you cba looking after your own child just screams madness to me.

The poor little girl is getting no nurturing from home and I suspect will end up neglected in later life.

lorelei9here · 13/04/2016 23:27

OP I think you are right to refuse
Tbh I do feel sorry for people who regret having children but I run out of sympathy when they just try and lumber others with them.

I hope this couple at least stay together, I ve seen a couple of divorce cases where the battle is who doesn't get the child....friends of my parents, in their mid 80s, had two infant grandchildren with them for ages because of that.

Babyburd · 13/04/2016 23:51

Don't know if you watched, OP, but there was a reality tv programme on channel 5 quite recently (secret life of the family, I think) - one of the families was a couple with a toddler daughter who's slaves parents lived in the adjoining house and literally did everything for them from gardening, washing, babysitting / raising their daughter. Resonates with this situation by the sounds of it; unable to support themselves / parents molly-coddling.

I would definitely not be supporting the situation. If mum / dad had genuine mental health concerns that was preventing them from parenting; fair enough- but just discarding your kid to the nearest family member so you can have a kip or some leisure time? Damaging and lazy.

Say no and see if it starts a wider conversation about the whole set up?

InionEile · 14/04/2016 06:59

Well, since they have never babysat for you and never offer to, then why do you feel obliged to help them? Do you just enjoy being around that baby / toddler age group? I know some people get nostalgic for the baby age once their kids get older. Otherwise I can't fathom why you feel any obligation towards them when they've never helped you and PIL haven't much either.