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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my weekends as relaxation time not babysitting other people's kids time

128 replies

I8toys · 13/04/2016 20:28

Myself and DH work 5 days per week and weekends are precious. We have two ds 12 and 10. DH's younger brother and SIL have a child 18 months old. BIL can't hold down a job - gets bored and relies on FIL for most things. He recently started a new job full time and she works full time. Toddler in nursery 5 days per week.

MIL and FIL look after the baby on Saturdays - they either go their house or BIL/SIL go to MIL/FIL' house. This is every Saturday and even when the child is ill - they will go to MIL/FIL house - mid week whatever. Fine whatever they want to do. However MIL/FIL have now said they will only go to BIL/SIL house to look after child because when they go to MIL/FIL house they either go to bed and go shopping - no interaction with toddler at all.

MIL/FIL are away on a cruise at the moment. We get a call - can we come over this weekend? FFS AIBU to not want to go entertain this? We had them a couple of weeks ago - they came on a Sunday when my parents were there - were fed Sunday lunch and I ended up looking after the toddler. I don't want it to be a regular occurrence and I feel they need to look after their own kid occasionally - maybe take them out somewhere. Prepared to be told I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:

Purplepicnic · 14/04/2016 07:07

Have you told your DH that you feel worried about the toddler because her parents don't seem interested? Make it about her welfare?

Andrewofgg · 14/04/2016 07:10

Your BIL and SIL have his entire family marked out as free childcare. Tell him No. Sorry, other plans. Don't specify. Don't let them use you. They can look after their own toddler at the weekend like you did and like other parents do. Save your goodwill for when there is a real emergency.

rollonthesummer · 14/04/2016 07:22

Why is your DH so keen to enable them? They can't come to your house if you say no. Tell DH to go to theirs.

Hissy · 14/04/2016 07:41

I agree. Dig your heels in. and absolutely get tanked and tell them what shit parents they are

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 14/04/2016 08:03

grand parents babysit one day per week to give parents a rest.........working FT and looking after a toddler can be demanding.......you seem to think badly of them for taking the opportunity to have time to themselves?

I'm sorry but if the child is in childcare 5 days per week and with grandparents one day per week she's not having her emotional needs met by her parents. 18 months is very young and I can't see how she can be sure who her primary attachment figure/s are if she's so rarely with them. The odd day at the weekend, the odd weekend is fine, but 6 days out of 7 every single week, by choice not necessity, is not good parenting.

PixieChops · 14/04/2016 09:10

YANBU. I have two under 2 and it's hard work. I feel guilty sending them to a childminder one day a week. They're with me 6 days a week and we do family things at the weekend. They do occasionally go out with my parents (probably once every 6 weeks) and my mum will come round on a Tuesday morning for a couple of hours if I need to do anything or if I've got an appointment.
Your BIL and his wife are taking the piss and I feel desperately sorry for their child as he/she is clearly being emotionally neglected.

PixieChops · 14/04/2016 09:11

Vince I agree with you. God knows how the child differentiates their primary carer.

DreamingofItaly · 14/04/2016 11:47

I agree with pp. Who is the primary carer for this little girl? I don't have children but my sister has a 4 year old and works full time as well as one Saturday a month. Her weekends and bedtimes are so precious!

Have a wine (or three) and ask them how they're coping. Needing childcare six days a week makes me think they're not, or they're decided they didn't actually want the baby after all. So sad.

Original poster

I8toys · 14/04/2016 16:28

I have hopefully sorted it out. I've had a crap couple of days at work and just said to DH to tell your brother that its not convenient this weekend because I'm stressed out at work so to leave for another weekend. I know it doesn't solve the problem and I need to figure out what to do long term.

I am peri-menopausal, hormonal and stressed out - that is the best reason to keep people away from me.

OP posts:

Letseatgrandma · 14/04/2016 17:43

Why is your DH so keen to help?

Original poster

I8toys · 14/04/2016 17:58

I suppose because its his brother. I am an only child so may not get the relationship dynamic.

OP posts:

Friendlystories · 14/04/2016 18:15

Hopefully that's sorted then OP but if something goes wrong and they do end up coming I would take your DC's out for the day, leave DH to deal with it and make sure you leave the bed stripped and unusable.

FuriousFate · 14/04/2016 18:26

That poor child is all I can say! Not your responsibility OP but the parents clearly aren't interested.

SaggingTits · 14/04/2016 20:16

They wouldn't seriously ask to get in your bed for a nap would they?

Lazyafternoon · 14/04/2016 20:32

You've done the right thing OP.

If you don't want to do it put your foot down. The child is their responsibility. It doesn't sound like they NEED you to look after the child for some particular reason. They just don't want to do it themselves. If they ask again make your excuses and say no. I'd try and recommend that seeing them is on your terms - meet somewhere neutral where they have obvious responsibility. A family day out to a park or something. Somewhere where they can't just bugger off shopping or back to bed!

But of course if your DH wants to see his brother and his nephew/ niece it's not fair to try and stop that. My mum didn't get on with my dads siblings and as a result I don't know any of my cousins. Such a shame, they may have had their differences and not got on but I do feel I missed out getting to know my cousins, they are pretty close family after all!

Cuppaand2biscuits · 14/04/2016 20:56

Have you considered thst maybe they would just like to catch up with you as a family while they won't be spending the day with mother and father in law?
It could be perfectly innocent.

DontMindMe1 · 14/04/2016 21:33

the whole family is enabling them...........how about just giving them the plain, harsh,blunt truth that they don't want to hear and nobody has the guts to say???

"you decided to bring dc into this world - YOU are the parents, YOU look after your dc on the weekends. If you've changed your mind about being parents then give up dc for adoption - cos they deserve far better parents than the ones they got right now"

how on earth has no one asked them straight out 'why don't you look after your own child instead of palming them off on everyone else?'?!!!

i'd also report them to social services. Even if they've got mental health difficulties there is no excuse for everyone carrying on like this is normal or acceptable.

Original poster

I8toys · 15/04/2016 05:21

It could be innocent and I wish I fe!t it was but I don't get that gut feel.when I've seen them with her - there is hardly any interaction its just the basic looking after her - nappy change, feeding etc. The last time they came over SIL said I wish nurseries were open on Saturdays. I gave the toddler some chalks to draw on my patio and asked have you done painting and drawing with her its fun - no nursery does that.

Its not neglect in that they aren't able and she's fed and watered so to speak but emotionally I just dont know. Not everyone parents the same but I don't feel family love with them.

OP posts:

Buckinbronco · 15/04/2016 05:58

I'm on the fence here because OP we can only see your view and version of events. Working full time with a baby is very hard and if there are sleeping problems it could be that they're exhausted. I have friends whose families all pitch in to help and bring up children and it's not a bad thing IMO. Certainly I have heard many use the "babysit whilst I clean the house" line. Sometimes you need space to meet more basic needs.

Alternatively, they could be lazy arses who don't want to be around their child. It's hard to know really.

That said, the idea that they'd ask to get in your bed is ridiculous you have no reason to think they'd do that at all, and it's just demonising them further in your head.

You obviously don't like them and at this point are so irritated with them that a meet isn't going to go well whatever happens. It's right to step away I think

KeyserSophie · 15/04/2016 06:06

They have ONE child who they barely see during the week. Not exactly a big ask to look after her at the weekend is it? Why cant they tag team if they're tired? One has a Saturday lie in. The other one has an afternoon nap. I do remember 1-2yrs as a particularly difficult age and there were some weekends I was definitely looking forward to Monday, but it passes.

Original poster

I8toys · 15/04/2016 06:13

I totally agree with you that is why I think its best to keep my distance. It is hard having kids but there are parents who have no help out there and enjoy time with their kids - its just so obvious they don't. I just think I don't understand it and don't want to be part of it. If my DH and kids do that's fine.

As I say we've only seen them in the past at Christmas or occasionally through the year so are not close. My dh said I don t like talking to my brothers as I have nothing to say. DH pissed off because his mum and dad moan to him about them, his dad just doesn't want the hassle at his age and is always ill. None of them will tackle the issue - I am sorry but I don't want to be part of it.

My SIL is from a foreign country and is used to wealth and servants and nannies. My MIL was ill one weekend couldn't look after the baby so that's why they came to visit us before and I asked what's wrong with MIL, "oh I don't know eye roll you know what she's like". It felt like it was an inconvenience to her MIL was ill.

OP posts:

KeyserSophie · 15/04/2016 06:39

My SIL is from a foreign country and is used to wealth and servants and nannies

Ah- that helps to explain it. It's quite possible she doesnt really know how to parent because she wasnt really parented herself. V common phenomena in HK, for example, where many people my age were brought up by amahs

Fluffy24 · 15/04/2016 06:39

I think you should have a chat, without mentioning any names, with a social worker or similar - it is really worrying that they don't want to spend time with their toddler.

I have a toddler in nursery 5 days a week and I can't spend enough time with him, in fact my DSis and DBIL who don't have kids yet would love to take him out for a day occasionally but I don't let them because I'm not willing to give up that time with him myself and DH. Similarly we don't go on very long car journeys to visit relatives because the hours at the weekend are so precious and I don't want to waste a big proportion of them sitting in the front of the car while DS sits in the back on his own. So I really don't understand where these people are coming from!

Original poster

I8toys · 15/04/2016 06:56

Keyser - she worked in a nursery back home!

OP posts:

Chottie · 15/04/2016 06:57

I feel very sorry for your little niece.

I would look after her, as PP said my DC would have loved to be playing with a little cousin of that age.

Put aside your feelings about your SiL/BiL. Perhaps your MiL/FiL are helping out so much, because they realise things are difficult and they really care about their DGD?

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