To pretend my new bag is a fake

[Lauslaw]

So to cut things short I am the main (only) earner and I am currently three months into maternity leave, DP doesn't work, I have posted about this before an he worked previously but will be a SAHD when I return to work in October, I pay for everything: food/bills/clothes for DD and DP/phone bills/car and van insurance ect and though I resent this at times it is not an issue financially as we live quite frugally.
So I received a tax rebate and have treated myself to a beautiful New coach bag, I managed to get it £100 cheaper by buying from America (even with import tax and postage included) but I just know DP will think it is a shocking waste of my money......I'm very tempted to just pretend it's a cheap knock off! WWYD??

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Yanbu at all, the bag is fab, enjoy it, would I lie about it? Hhhmmm if it will give you a quiet life then yes why not, it doesn't sound like you will be together much longer either.

But if your dd asked you if her useless lazy nasty angry fucker of a dh was better than nothing what would you say to her? You'd tell her to pack her running away fund into her new bag and leg it, you should do the same

[RedHead02]

Your husband probably won't even notice.

[awesomeness]

after reading the other thread......



buy more bags, arrange childcare and chuck the man child out to fend for himself

[Minimalteserbunny]

After reading the previous thread you deserve a medal least of all a bag

[Whoamireally]

Goodness. I'm a SAHM. The money my husband earns is family money, and sometimes I will also spend some of it on me. IF he came home with a set of golf clubs, provided all our basic needs were met, I'd rationalise to myself that he earnt the money and was entitled to spend some of it on himself.

Chances are he won't even notice your new bag

[BoomBoomsCousin]

OP I don't want to be alarmist, but how well have you checked out your long term plan? Because you talk about running away money as though it's your long term plan t leave him, but he's going to be the SAHP, which I believe means, come running away time, he'll have a strong claim to remain as the main carer for your child.

I grew up in a one parent family too and because of that experience I would be very reluctant to leave my DH now we have children. It as really hard on my mother and we definitely did not have the childhood children with two committed, loving parents would have. But at the same time, I don't think I would have been better off if my mother had stayed with my dad. And if your DH wasn't prepared to work until your maternity ends you should probably wonder how good a sahp he'll be. How long is he expecting to be a sahp for? And what's his plan to get back into the workforce? You may be better cutting your losses earlier rather than later.

[Spindlewood]

I have the Edie bag in Blue, it sparks joy every time I use it . Enjoy x

[mouldycheesefan]

He should get a job. He won't be a sahd till October. It's ridiculous! How lazy!
Buy what you like!

[BigChocFrenzy]

Probably the best of a bad bunch

Bloody hell, that's dreadfully low expectations.

Do you have any reason to think he'll stop being a cocklodger and step up to be a proper SAHD ?
Or will he neglect your baby, ignore the household chores and just game all day ?
You'll be doing far more then than a lone parent, because you'll have the manchild to care for and to buy expensive toys for.

Much easier to ditch the bum now, or you'll have a lot of finances and custody issues to untangle later.
Splitting later will probably be under much less favourable conditions, with you ending up a lot poorer.

[mouldycheesefan]

Whoamireally
It's not the same as the dp won't be a sahd till October. He in the meantime doesn't work and hasn't for some time. So he contributes nothing to the family money. Certainly not childcare!

[LemurintheSun]

My advice: If you need to lie about something like this, the relationship is going badly wrong. On the other hand, no need to mention it if not asked - and if asked, stand up for what you believe (your money, your decision). That said, a discussion on how much of the wage-earners wage is "own money" is not unreasonable - discuss & decide how much goes into the joint account for bills etc, & to him for his needs, then (if necessary) make it clear that you expect him to stay out of your decisions for your personal section of the money. If he can't do that, he is being unreasonably controlling, & you should head off with your escape fund as soon as possible. It worries me that you are letting him become a SAHD (or even DF to your child) if you don't feel you can talk about this kind of thing with him. There will be many, much tougher issues to resolve as parents, and good communication is key. As to being a SAHD or SAHM, it is no picnic being responsible for all the drudgey jobs indefinitely, can seriously harm your future job prospects and lead to isolation & depression in the long-term. Resentments can build up all the more with SAHDs (even the best of them), given persistant cultural expectations of male wage-earning, female domestic/child-caring. So you really need trust, love & an ability to talk to each other, if you are going to go for it. Having an SAHD could be a great thing for you - you get to keep your career & financial (to an extent) independence. But don't slide into it if you have major doubts about him.

[Shanghaichica]

My OH doesn't really know how much things cost. I treated myself to a Michael Kors bag last year and he has no idea that it cost £280. If he knew he would not be happy and he would moan so it's best not to tell him. Likewise I bought some ugg boots earlier this year for £200. Again if he knew he would moan and moan but I just didn't tell him and he didn't ask.

We both work and make a decent amount and can afford all of these things. However he is so stingy and doesn't like to spend money, even to spend £25 on a pair of headphones is too much for him. I remember when we first met we went on holiday and before we went he was moaning about saying it cost too much. After we went he enjoyed it so holidays are now something that we do.

OP just tell him you bought it in a sale and that it was cheap. He will never know. I always lie about how much things cost if I am asked.

[AskingForAPal]

God, what a horribly stressful situation for you OP, and presumably it's been a huge shock, him becoming so crap?

You sound like you're keeping your spirits up though which is good - do you have a running away plan for the autumn?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Please leave him before he becomes the main carer for your child, otherwise he'll have a pretty good claim for custody and the house, as most courts think the child should remain in the family home so long as it's financially possible.

He sounds lazy, entitled and rude. Leave him. You will be SO much happier.

[Janecc]

I know a man who was a sahd for a few years. He found work quite shortly after their youngest was born. I was surprised when he told me he was going back to work tbh as he's a brilliant dad. So there are some great sahd's out there, actively involved in their children's lives.
If your husband has chosen to give up work early, he has effectively elected to take money out of the family pot without consulting you. Therefore you are perfectly within your rights to do the same and use that money to buy a beautiful bag. I get that maybe he wants to spend time as a family and that he hated his job but unless you are on a really high salary then his actions were rather rash. I would also be looking long and hard at his level of input he is having into the family - childcare, housework, paperwork etc. You don't want to become naggy, shouty mummy because he's irresponsible, infuriating daddy. You describe him as a man child. If a person either hasn't learnt or been taught by their parents to grow up themselves, they are missing fundamental pieces of information to teach their children.

[Valentine2]

We are living frugally too right now for various reasons and it will really piss me beyond sanity if DH went on and did that. How come it happens to be only you who needs a treat and not him when he is staying at home and taking care of DCs?

[MitzyLeFrouf]

There aren't DCs Valentine. There is one child and the OP is still on maternity leave. So he's not exactly 'staying at home and taking care of the DCs'

[Janecc]

I posted too soon. Just because your experience of being in a one parent family was not great, it doesn't mean this will be the same for your child. You cannot sacrifice your life and well being because of how you feel about this. I'm not saying you should kick him out. Just that I would rather base the decision to stay with him or leave on current experiences not my childhood. I know some well adjusted happy one parent families, even when the child was in full time nursery.

[Valentine2]

I should have added: if he doesn't work, give him a warning essentially. But this treat to yourself and then not telling him sounds like a bit resentful to me and that rings a lot of bells for your relationship already. Good that you have an escape fund.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Can't read the whole thread but I would be quite up front about it if he is choosing not to work as a lifestyle choice, you were not consulted on that choice and by the sound of it, are not entirely on board with it.

[EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard]

I've read both threads and the bag really isn't the issue here. At all.

Your DP also isn't a SAHD, he's staying at home and playing on the computer as a alternative to working while you're on maternity leave. He doesn't sound like a very loving parent let alone a good care giver.

Think on OP.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Well my dp wouldn't notice if I rocked up with rainbow coloured hair looking like a circus clown, so he's hardly likely to notice a new bag, but all men are different.

[Kerala2712]

Op, firstly big hugs, it sounds like you are with someone who is actually pretty bullying and controlling and for you to not be able to trust him with the baby and to have an escape fund means you are really in a bad place, and it sounds like you know it. You deserve a relationship with someone who you can trust to contribute to your wellbeing even if he's not earning- someone who makes you feel good about yourself. This man clearly doesn't and I'm sorry for that.
You are not unreasonable to want to feel valued and to want to avoid being blamed and belittled about doing something to make yourself feel good.
I hope you manage to sort it out one way or another. Do you have family or friends who support you?

[goldgirlrowe]

Why don't you just ask him!?! If you ask enough people someone will say what you want to hear. More often than not it seems relationships fall apart because people don't talk to each other. He might even say 'you deserve to treat yourself, you work hard' then there is no lies. Why ask everyone else what they think when the only opinion that really matters here is you DH?

[Primaryteach87]

While I wouldn't resent it if my DH bought something for himself. He wouldn't without discussing it with me, as he would see it as being disrespectful. I think if you were the working man who bought a PlayStation and the woman was at home, you'd not get very sympathetic responses!!