To pretend my new bag is a fake

[Lauslaw]

So to cut things short I am the main (only) earner and I am currently three months into maternity leave, DP doesn't work, I have posted about this before an he worked previously but will be a SAHD when I return to work in October, I pay for everything: food/bills/clothes for DD and DP/phone bills/car and van insurance ect and though I resent this at times it is not an issue financially as we live quite frugally.
So I received a tax rebate and have treated myself to a beautiful New coach bag, I managed to get it £100 cheaper by buying from America (even with import tax and postage included) but I just know DP will think it is a shocking waste of my money......I'm very tempted to just pretend it's a cheap knock off! WWYD??

[VestalVirgin]

If this was a man posting about his wife who's a sahm he'd be (rightly) ripped to shreads.

That's because if a woman "doesn't work" she is likely doing all the household stuff, while if a man doesn't work, then that is often literally, like in, doesn't do any work at all and the woman does the household chores on top of her full-time work.

People judge according to the prior knowledge they have about similar situations. And apparently, they are correct in this thread.


I personally would never buy a bag that is so expensive that a cheap copy could be had much cheaper, I would buy the cheap copy in the first place. Paying good money for brand names is very unreasonable.

However, I don't feel much pity for the husband here.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

The half arsed help is not better than going it alone if it causes you emotional bother and costs you more than paying for real help would.

[NNalreadyinuse]

You shouldn't lie but equally when he kicks off about the money you should tell him that he too could have lovely expensive things, if he wadn't such a lazy bastard and kept his job until October. I am all for honestly!

[Mooey89]

Nope. I promise.

Make a list. What are the things you would like in a partner? What are the things he delivers?

I was so exhausted when I was with him.
Now my son is three and I have a great man who washes up, cooks dinner, and brings me tea in the morning! And he doesn't even live here! He's always amazed that I make such a big deal out of it! But it's like night and day.

Incidentally I bought a Michael Kors with matching purse as my leaving present... With the joint income. ;)

[NynaevesSister]

So you have a newborn and he gave up work entirely at the same time you did? Which is great if he is being really hands on and helpful.

But if you were both working up to that point with separate finances then it's difficult not to see it as your money.

If you are thinking that you have to lie to him about the cost, then I think you know what you will be doing in a few months time.

It's a good thing you already have your escape fund.

[LadyTmalia]

I feel sad for you now I have read the other thread. Have you any money left over to buy him a very little treat?
How do you think its going to work out in October?

[specialsubject]

not seeing a lot of mutual respect, love or fun here. Suggest you stop wasting each other's time.

[idontlikealdi]

I think the bigger issue is what you're going to do with him.

[diddl]

" I can't help feeling he is probably the best of a bad bunch."

Dear Lord that's sad.

[RupertPupkin]

He "hates working"?

Gosh, I've just realised a simple solution to all my work problems. Just quit! Can't wait to tell DH my great idea.

[SallyDonovan]

half assed help is better than no help. Surely!?

Sorry, but it's really not. My ex was utterly useless so I ended up doing everything. I do everything now as a lone parent but it is easier as I

1. no longer feel burning resentment that I'm running around trying to do everything while he plays on the computer.
   
   
2. My domestic workload is also significantly less now I no longer have to factor in the energy and time it takes to look after a selfish, lazy man child. 2 DDs are pretty easy actually.
   
   If he becomes a SAHD and you split up, he may well be granted primary residency. Please think really seriously about this before you sleepwalk into it.
   
   I would buy whatever bag you want BTW. But that's a side issue.

[FV45]

We used to have family money - who earned what wasn't an issue, we were happy with who worked or stayed at home etc. There was love and respect.

Then the relationship went bad (or rather I opened my eyes and faced up to years of EA) and I realised he was leading quite the charmed life while I did everything. THEN it stopped being family money and became MINE (with me supporting his charming life). Once you start thinking of it as his and mine then it's an indicator of larger issues. You shouldn't need to be asking a bunch of strangers on the internet whether you can buy a bag.

But I think you know this.

[septembersunshine]

So you already have an escape fund tucked away somewhere. Well I would go; take my DC and my bag and leave. Honestly. What is the point in treading water in this pretend family unit where you are effectively both parents to your DC and main income provider and waiting... and waiting....and waiting.

Read the other thread. Very draining for you and no life at all. He is literally riding your back for all he can get, he must be smirking to himself all day long.

[CurtainsForYouFred]

You're on ML, you're the only one working he's stayed home voluntarily. YANBU to buy the bag, but I'd tell him and I'd tell him to get stiffed if he had a problem with it.

6 months time will be different when he is a stay at home dad though. I agree with a pp that you might want to reconsider letting him be the sahp unless you are happy to support him long run if you seperate

[harshbuttrue1980]

You say that you didn't want to share the money because he'd buy a massive TV with it. What's the difference between a massive TV and a ridiculously expensive handbag? They are both frivolities. Fine if you can afford them, but not fine for one partner to have one and the other partner not to get anything.

[trappedinsuburbia]

I second that it is actually easier to bring up a child on your own than have the resentment and extra work a man child brings. I have 2 dc and im happier on my own than putting up with the 'best of a bad bunch'.

[GertrudeBadger]

Yes really really agree, you don't lose all the help by not being in a relationship, he'll still be a dad but not a cocklodger. You may get more help!

[kittybiscuits]

If you go back to work and he establishes himself as SAHP you will indeed be screwed when you get round to leaving him and you will regret the bag and any other money you spent on compensating yourself for having a shit partner.

[ScarlettDarling]

op I think you need to post a pic of your luffly new bag!

[Charell20]

If you have agreed for him to give up work then the money is family money, not just yours. If you are not entirely happy with him not earning or contributing this needs to be addressed seperately. With regards to the bag, I wouldn't have gone behind his back and bought the bag, I would have discussed it with him first (probably still bought it anyway lol). You have to imagine being in his shoes, he probably (wrongly) sees the money as your money, therefore wouldn't dream of spending a lot of money on something. When was the last time he had his own money to do with as he wishes? Maybe sharing the tax rebate would have been a less selfish option and you wouldn't be in this position

[ijustwannadance]

Why are you paying van insurance if he isn't working? Tell him to sell the bloody thing or get off his lazy fucking arse and work for the next 6 months to build up some savings.

[FV45]

I think people need to back up a bit on worrying the OP about the possibility of having to support her partner should they split and him getting primary residency.

The starting point is 50:50. If the OP wants 50:50 then regardless of whether she works or not, her position would be considered.

Unless he can show he gave up a career to be a SAHD and this his earning capacity has been affected, then he will struggle to convince the courts she should continue to support him. He will need to make an effort to support himself (and children).

We have a similar situation (me, main breadwinner, him working very little). I was very worried about having to support him, but I've been told that this won't happen - he's got to go out and get a proper job.

nb I am not a solicitor! You just have to remember that when a family splits up, the status quo doesn't just remain.

[IceBeing]

Wait hang on a minute.

The OP isn't working (by choice), the DP isn't working (by choice). Only one person needs to be not working to look after the child.

Why the hell is it obviously the DP that is being lazy here? If the DP will be primary carer come October then doesn't it make more sense for DP to look after the child now?

[MitzyLeFrouf]

He did not need to stop working (self employed) until October when my ML ends(first child) he stopped work because he hates working.

YANBU

Enjoy your bag.

[lovemylife49]

I think YABU to regard it as 'your' money. If he was sitting on his arse doing sod all while you worked and paid for everything, then fair enough, but as you agreed to his being a SAHD to raise your child, then it is joint/family money. You should be able to buy a bag if you want to, without having to lie about it though.