To pretend my new bag is a fake

[Lauslaw]

So to cut things short I am the main (only) earner and I am currently three months into maternity leave, DP doesn't work, I have posted about this before an he worked previously but will be a SAHD when I return to work in October, I pay for everything: food/bills/clothes for DD and DP/phone bills/car and van insurance ect and though I resent this at times it is not an issue financially as we live quite frugally.
So I received a tax rebate and have treated myself to a beautiful New coach bag, I managed to get it £100 cheaper by buying from America (even with import tax and postage included) but I just know DP will think it is a shocking waste of my money......I'm very tempted to just pretend it's a cheap knock off! WWYD??

[Bloodystupidusernamer00lz]

Op, initially I wasn't sure what to think, reading your post. As more and more info was revealed though, I have to say alarm bells are ringing in my head for you!

Takes deep breath

You sound like me 10 years ago.

I had a DH who gave up work just before I gave birth to DC1, he prefered to spend all day and night playing computer games and smoking drugs rather than working.

When DC was born I had to go back to work because we were flat broke and had no money - DC was 2 months old and I was recovering from a significant injury as a result of an accident but I had no choice. DH refused to go back to work so became a SAHD. Supposedly. He did absolutely nothing at home. I would go and work a full time job and do all the jobs around the house as if he wasn't there. I got used to having a relationship with the back of his head. I used to joke that I could up and take the kids and walk out and he wouldn't even notice. It stopped being funny when I realised it was true.

On pay day I would go to the cashpoint, withdraw all my wages and give him half, if not more. He guilted me into doing so saying it was for the DCs but I know now that in reality hardly any of that money was spent on them it was spent on drugs himself. I had to use the remaining half to pay all the bills, food, electric etc. We got into massive debt because I had to choose which bills to pay because it wouldn't cover everything.

Year after year I made excuses for him, defended him to others saying that at least he didn't cheat or hit me, he wasn't that bad etc etc. And he wasn't. He wasn't evil or malicious just incredibly selfish and lazy and incapable of putting me or the DCs first. Promise after promise was made and broken and the excuses just kept coming.

Fortunately for me (or unfortunately) when I finally woke up and kicked him out he buggered off and left the area and had virtually nothing to do with me or the dcs anymore so I went from being a full time worker to being unemployed overnight as I had no family/friends help and couldn't get childcare for disabled dc. I lost all my friends, my job and consequently my home within 6 months and had no help at all but it was STILL better than what I had been putting up with.

Half assed help is definitely not better than no help, you might think it is but I know from first hand experience it isn't. Your self esteem and self respect take a massive nose dive in addition to being exhausted from doing all the work all the time.

I'm not saying that your DP is like my Ex but please just think very carefully. Don't waste your life.

By the way, YANBU to buy yourself the bag

[Bogeyface]

he stopped work because he hates working

he would be of the opinion the money would be better spent on a bigger TV for computer gaming! I don't see why TVs have to be huge monstrosities (but that's a whole other thread!)

And now you know what he will be doing when you are at work. No baby groups, no housework, no cooking. The baby will be left to her own devices while he plays video games.

If you cant do it for you, do it for the baby that will get no proper care, no playing, no interaction. Staying with a man who cares more about the size of his TV than the welfare of his child is plain selfish.

[FinallyFreeFromItAll]

half assed help is better than no help.
Surely!?

Not necessarily. I was terrified of becoming a single mom with a 3yr old and baby (she was 8months old by the time I left). I also have numerous physical problems (multiple injuries causing on going problems and rheumatoid arthritis), which makes it harder to do simple everyday things (like cook, clean, carry my baby). Being a single mother is soooo easy compared to living with my abusive ex. I am better off without his "help". I am a lot less tired, keep on top of the housework easier, am better able to play with the DC because I don't spend my life picking up after a lazy arse and walking on eggshells over when he'll next flip out. DC don't see him at all, so I get no real break, yet it is honestly so much easier this way than it was with him.

So it depends on what kind of "help" they give and whether they are nice to be around.

[YvaineStormhold]

How much was the bag, just out of interest?

[Lauslaw]

Thank you all for your varying opinions and amazing ability to change any subject :)
Picture of bag attached

[CurtainsForYouFred]

Because the Op gave birth to a human being 3 months ago icebeing and now would presumably like to spend some time with it rather than just be an incubator for the dp . She's on ML. That's not giving up work

[Fishface77]

Fuck me op! RUN!!! RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!

[YvaineStormhold]

That bag is a lovely push present.

Which I'm sure your husband, having watched you incubate new life and bring it into the world, will be delighted for you to have.

Wouldn't he?

[CurtainsForYouFred]

Bit unfair fishface

the bag's not that bad!

[Fishface77]

It'll be your DC that suffer if you leave them at home with him!
I can see it now. Him on his computer while baby cries and cries till just before you come home. This is when he will quickly feed and change the baby so they settle and tell you what a horrendous day he's had and you need to take over!

[YvaineStormhold]

Are we talking £200 then?

So, like, 4 computer games?

[Fishface77]

curtains that bags lovely!
It's the OP's lazy bag of shit I'm talking about sorry op couldn't resist!

[Lauslaw]

yvaine I like that way of looking at it! Yes about 4 computer games worth of bag

[Mooey89]

That bag is bloody STUNNING! Bet it is so soft! How much can you fit in it? Enough to do a moonlight flit??

Go go go!!!!

[DreamingofItaly]

Love the bag, you deserve it, it was your tax rebate, I'm assuming from when you were both working (not that I think that's relevant, the purchase hasn't meant you can't pay your gas bill).

What you don't deserve is to be treated like this. I think you need to talk to him (my usual response), if he questions the bag, tell him he can have lovely things too, he just needs to get out and work for them. In October, he can be a SAHD and then you'll support him.

Very few people are fortunate enough to love their jobs, but without them, we can't put food on the table, clothes on our backs (or nice bags on our shoulders). Tell him to get out there and work or retrain...he's got six months, find something else to do. Maybe computer game tester? That's a job, right?

[SansaryaAgain]

I have that bag in black and it's lovely. A friend works for Coach and managed to get it for me for 50 quid! I think it's about £350 full price so not exorbitant anyway.

[Dutchess61]

I was just thinking the same Penny, why doesn't he work?

[Dutchess61]

Oh I just read due to him not liking work :( Got yourself a winner there OP.

[TiredOfSleep]

So what does he hate about his work? Is he genuinely just lazy or is there a real reason? Cliche I know, but could he be depressed? Have you actually tackled him about why he's not working?

[memyselfandaye]

He doesn't need a van if he doesn't work, stop paying for it.

You say you are frugal, stop paying tax and insurance on the van and save it, in an account in your name only.

I actually can't believe what you have posted, you do not have to justify how you spend your money to him, hes a cocklodger. He really really is.

[chocomochi]

Just read your recent posts and your previous thread. I think you deserve that bag. Enjoy it without feeling guilty - it's your rebate. And better than going on ginormous new telly!

[ScarlettDarling]

Love your bag op! How much did it cost?

[Bogeyface]

If he doesnt like work, what does he think life being a full time parent is going to be like?!

As I said above, if he doesnt step up then your baby will suffer.

Have you tried having a week where he does everything, including the jobs that you would expect to do as a SAHP? Maybe give it a try and see how that works out, it could be very enlightening for both of you as I am guessing that you do the majority of childcare and housework at the moment.