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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this man is a shameless racist.

107 replies

Misssss · 13/04/2016 11:57

One of my very close friends has another close friend who I see fairly often as we all live in the same area. The friend of friend is lovely but a little too sweet. I don't think she has a bad bone in her body (she refuses to join in with bitching and always finds positives in everyone.)

Recently the friend of a friend has got a new boyfriend. At first he was ok but seemed very interested in the fact that I'm black. He was always asking for my opinion on the best Caribbean takeaway in the city or how to make jerk chicken. A few weeks ago we were in a bar and it was his round. I ordered a red wine. He came back with a can of Red Stripe for me because he thought I'd prefer it. I declined the drink as I hate lager and went and bought my own.

At the weekend he started to refer to me as "my n*gga" in reference to a popular hip hop song. He then had the audacity to play it on his phone in a pub.

By this point I'd had enough and called him on his fuckery. He got really defensive and said that his other black friends didn't mind and insinuated that I was being too sensitive. Friend of friend insists that he didn't mean it and he just thought i would find it funny.

Aibu to be annoyed?

OP posts:
MetalMidget · 13/04/2016 17:36

*The drink thing happened to me too! Asked for a gin and tonic and got given a bottle of Tsing Tao, you know, "being Chinese and all".

I'm Japanese.*

I remember at school, a girl asked a lad with Chinese parents what some Japanese characters meant. He said, "I don't know, I'm Chinese, not Japanese", to which she replied, "What's the difference?". She also once said that Indian people 'spoke Balti'.

A bit like when my mother was talking about both sets of my nan's neighbours being Muslims, and I pointed out that one side were Sikh and the other were Hindus. She also replied, "What's the difference?"

She did also assume for years that my best friend growing up went to a gospel-style church, because her family were black. They actually went to a very poe faced Catholic Church, in a beautiful traditional building. I still remember all the weird Latin from when I went with them!

Some people are just a bit thick and will jump to assumptions, and feverishly cling to those assumptions even when educated otherwise!

WhiteBlueDaisies · 13/04/2016 18:20

OP just know that you are right, you're not being over sensitive and he is racist. However he is obviously enjoying goading you, so I would refuse to engage with him on any level. I'm sure he's looking forward to further proving how 'over sensitive' you are.
I would also be looking for some new friends in general, because no 'friend' would have sat back and watched that little exchange going on.

OurBlanche
before some irritated Black Bitch Tears Him a New One!

This is also this is also really offensive.

mrsjskelton · 13/04/2016 18:39

And the friend of a friend was defending him??? He's a racist, outdated moron.

Original poster
Misssss · 13/04/2016 21:58

Thank you everyone. I knew I wasn't being overly sensitive. He really made me question myself - I can be a little highly strung and jump to conclusions.

Umbongo it's got to be the same bloke! I'm actually furious now having read all your replies and I've been validated. I'm definitely going to avoid them both. Lovely friend is a sweetheart - but she needs to grow a backbone. I could sense that she was uncomfortable but I hate the fact she didn't challenge him.

I really cannot comprehend why he would do something like this. To the poster that asked, I have Jamaican and congenital African ancestry but I, and my grandparents were born here. I'm despite being black I'm Yorkshire born and bred! It pisses me off and saddens me that someone would take an active dislike (or whatever it is) based purely on the colour of skin. Just venting.

OP posts:
ShesAGreatGas · 13/04/2016 22:00

He sounds like a massively idiotic, racist prick.

Not surprised you're fuming!

Original poster
Misssss · 13/04/2016 22:03

Macbeth I get similar things too. My boss seems to think that I want to go to every equality event going. I have weird men approach me and tell me how much they adore black women.

Plus the classic bullshit line "I hate them fucking p*kis but I love black people." Generally the race is interchangeable depending on who they are talking to. It's bullshit and I'm going to call everyone on it from this moment on.

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 13/04/2016 22:07

God how horrid for you to experience such blatant racism. I'm so sorry you experienced this. He is a racist toxic wanker.

Why do people care if a person is Black or not? It's really fucking strange to me.

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/04/2016 22:08

I am glad that this thread has reassured you.

I get what you mean about being highly strung and prone to jumping to conclusions, that's a personality trait of mine too. But this is one of those times when you've jumped to exactly the right conclusion.

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2016 22:16

It's sort of beyond racism and into some sort of psychopathy, isn't it? Was he drunk or high or something? Not that that's any excuse, obviously. But such Little Britain type behaviour seems wierd. Friend of friend needs to head for the hills.......

Blu · 13/04/2016 22:26

Blimey.
Reading through your post, OP, first I thought "oh, he's an over identifying white liberal working hard to show you that he is a 'nice person ' 'not racist' by letting you know he eats jerk chicken" then when I got to the next but I thought "patronising, insulting, stereotyping git" and by your third example I was speechless.

In fact he was probably trying an extension of his role in the takeaway and recipes fuckery: demonstrating how au fait he is with supposed black vernacular.

He probably isn't racist of the EDL white supremacist variety, but of the ignorant, stereotyping, total twat variety.

How DARE he presume to start using the N word to you like that?

You were 100% right to call him on it.

Barbadosgirl · 13/04/2016 22:27

I actually don't know whether to laugh or cry. OP, YANBU. What an absolute tool.

lorelei9here · 14/04/2016 11:37

I read this with increasing horror

the drink thing is just shocking

I'd have needed to call it out then and there

i was asked once, when very young, (20 years ago?) by a guy at work, if I had any good recipes for curry. I peered at him and could see he was gunning for a reaction. So I just walked away but I did report it to HR. He then apologised but I just said "look, you clearly have an agenda, but I'm sure if we keep out of each other's way in the pub etc, we will be able to get on professionally". It was fine after that.

the stupid thing was, I actually don't think he was racist, I think he was one of those people who enjoys making others feel upset and uncomfortable, but there's no reason to talk to that type any more than you have to!

lorelei9here · 14/04/2016 11:38

PS I am amazed that one poster seems to think the drink thing was okay.

SoleBizzz · 14/04/2016 11:40

This is a hate crime to me!!!

ohmywhatamisaying · 14/04/2016 11:59

This is a hate crime to me!!!

Biscuit
ohmywhatamisaying · 14/04/2016 12:00

He sounds like an utter dick, OP. So glad you pulled him up on that.

Capricorn76 · 14/04/2016 12:29

I'm mixed race and have had really awkward conversations with some white men who have a fetish or can't get past the fact I'm not white and act really weird. Also as someone mentioned up thread one guy even said the 'I hate p**ki's but like black people' crap to me too like that would impress me Hmm. Pretty sure he would say the same in reverse.

Not long ago a friend of mine of Pakistani heritage told me a guy at our workplace told her he was going on holiday to India and could she give him tips, places to go etc. She told him she was of Pakistani descent which I'm sure he must've known and he pretty much shrugged his shoulders and told her it was the same thing. So bloody rude and dismissive.

OliviaStabler · 14/04/2016 12:39

Definitely a racist. A passive aggressive one, but still a racist.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 14/04/2016 12:53

Yanbu

He is racist he is not seeing you a a person with your own identity and you are not being over sensitive at all

I am half Asian I don't look it but the amount of times I have heard I don't like blah blah and when I point out that they could be taking about my family they say oh no not your type wtf is that meant to mean

Thankfully hear less and less of this but racist attitudes are still around. Less hurtful but still seeing people are the other is the desperate to be seen as accepting liberal who loves anyone of colour or who are different to them my mums a bit like this it's embarrassing at times

AwadebumboMk2 · 14/04/2016 13:06

yes I've had the "I love Black Women" line a few times, makes my skin crawl.

TimeToMuskUp · 14/04/2016 13:09

One of my close friends is half Malaysian and has had so many men on nights out come up and attempt conversation openers containing the words "ping pong balls". It's unbelievable til you see it in action. And because she's the sort of woman who'll call them on it they get defensive and go into "it was a joke, can't slags like you take a joke" because she's dared to pick them up on their shitty attitudes. For all that we accept and embrace and celebrate different cultures and heritages in the UK there are so many people who are still dark-age-style-twats.

I'd have to question how good a person the friend is who sat idly by while he made these comments though; you said she looked uncomfortable but didn't call him up on it. That means she's going to be hearing him offend people she's fond of til there's no-one left. Crap friend, racist man. You're no worse off without them in your life.

moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 14/04/2016 13:12

The drink thing is really really rude and designed to put you "in your place". He is very racist and nasty.

lorelei9here · 14/04/2016 13:59

oh these stories are so familiar...I don't understand why some men think it's so great to come along and say "oh I love xyz women". I get particularly annoyed when they persist in asking me where I'm "really from" - and don't take London as an answer. Never been to the country where my mum was born!

ouryve · 14/04/2016 14:01

What a twat.

Unfortunately, I know far too many blatant racists for comfort.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 14/04/2016 14:02

Or even worse, they call you 'exotic' and expect you to be flattered!