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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this man is a shameless racist.

107 replies

Misssss · 13/04/2016 11:57

One of my very close friends has another close friend who I see fairly often as we all live in the same area. The friend of friend is lovely but a little too sweet. I don't think she has a bad bone in her body (she refuses to join in with bitching and always finds positives in everyone.)

Recently the friend of a friend has got a new boyfriend. At first he was ok but seemed very interested in the fact that I'm black. He was always asking for my opinion on the best Caribbean takeaway in the city or how to make jerk chicken. A few weeks ago we were in a bar and it was his round. I ordered a red wine. He came back with a can of Red Stripe for me because he thought I'd prefer it. I declined the drink as I hate lager and went and bought my own.

At the weekend he started to refer to me as "my n*gga" in reference to a popular hip hop song. He then had the audacity to play it on his phone in a pub.

By this point I'd had enough and called him on his fuckery. He got really defensive and said that his other black friends didn't mind and insinuated that I was being too sensitive. Friend of friend insists that he didn't mean it and he just thought i would find it funny.

Aibu to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/04/2016 12:19

I don't think he has any black friends.
I'd be highly surprised if he had any friends!

ElderlyKoreanLady · 13/04/2016 12:19

YANBU. He sounds fucking horrendous. You were right to say something but I'm absolutely flabbergasted that nobody else did! Especially when he bought you the wrong drink. I couldn't have just watched that happen, especially given the 'reason' he stated.

Chlobee87 · 13/04/2016 12:19

IME there are two basic types of racists - the ones who are simply ignorant and aren't even aware that they're racist, and the ones who know it and act on it. This guy is weirdly a cross between the two. He's deliberately goading you with his actions and comments, but at the same time he seems exceptionally ignorant in that he thinks his "other black friends" (if they are indeed real) somehow speak for their entire race which implies that he thinks all black people are the same.

At the end of the day he sounds like a total muppet and I'd avoid him if I were you. He's not exactly thrilling company is he?

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/04/2016 12:21

You are absolutely not being "over sensitive". He is being a racist prick.

HelpfulChap · 13/04/2016 12:21

Sounds like an idiot. Bang out of order.

Perfectlypurple · 13/04/2016 12:22

Red Stripe is a Caribbean beer.

What a Twat for doing that. I would find it hard to stay friends with someone who thought that OK.

areyoubeingserviced · 13/04/2016 12:24

Next he wil be teling your friend that you have a chip on your shoulder.
Racists have a bank of ignorant phrases that they roll out when needed.

BarbarianMum · 13/04/2016 12:24

His "other black friends". Yes, I bet he has hundreds. Tosser. Hmm

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 13/04/2016 12:26

He is enjoying being racist towards you with just enough plausible deniability to ensure that your rather naive friends won't necessarily back you up. I don't for one moment think he lacks awareness about any of it, and the 'other black friends' don't exist.

Avoid him and his drippy girlfriend.

LittleLionMansMummy · 13/04/2016 12:28

Dick. I hope you told him not to count you as a 'friend'.

SanityClause · 13/04/2016 12:32

He's not seeing you as a person. He's seeing you as a "Caribbean person". And he knows all about "Caribbean people", as "some of his best friends are black".

That's why it's racist. He's othering you - treating you as something other to him, not as a person in your own right.

carefreeeee · 13/04/2016 12:35

He sounds like he is trying to get a reaction out of you. You sound like you took it a lot better than most people would. Imagine if you were overweight and he brought you back a low calorie lager and then called you 'his little fatty'. Completely ridiculous, rude, racist and I would refuse to spend any more time with him.

With regards to his 'other black friends' comment, I do have some asian friends who will occasionally joke around calling themselves 'paki' etc (actually they are from Iran/Iraq) - but the point is that they are initiating this. It would be a completely different situation for me to say something like that to them or any other random people. If he fails to understand that then he is being deliberately obtuse in my opinion

AhHaaaaa · 13/04/2016 12:36

Yes he is racist, but he's the dick of a person who thinks he isn't racist and is all inclusive so just doesn't get it.
At least he's BF of friend of friend and he won't be around long hopefully.

Alasalas2 · 13/04/2016 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macbethoftheisle · 13/04/2016 12:38

He is enjoying being racist towards you with just enough plausible deniability to ensure that your rather naive friends won't necessarily back you up

I agree. Not only is he being a racist bully, he's manipulating the "version of events" so you will look hysterical and he can stand back and go "who, me? what?" if called out.

I wouldn't be surprised if his goal is to control and manipulate your friend.

It's a tough call how to react to him.

I've found the trouble with passive aggressive narcissist types like this, is they don't see the world through the same eyes as everyone else - they see it as "winning" or "losing" and take pleasure in the manipulation more than everyone else.

You may want to socially deal with him as you feel it's the "right" thing to do to take on bullies, but he will just take pleasure in the attention and all your energy will be drained.

So it might be the best strategy to just withdraw (plead some sort of excuse -the more boring and dull the better - don't give too much information) and then leave him to it.

I agree your friends sound a bit wet and gullible not to call him out on his behaviour and I think he knows it.

If you met his social group from before he entered yours, they would have anecdotes saying he had done exactly the same thing to other people (it could have been race, it could have been anything)... what a mean little man. He hates himself so his only life goal is to cause social chaos and project his own self-loathing onto others by winding them up.

scarednoob · 13/04/2016 12:38

Who is this nob, john terry??

Definitely NBU - i have a friend who's half black and in her time she has attracted a whole heap of dickheads with a black girl fetish. From what you've said, sounds as if he might have the same sort of fascination with you. Either way he's a tool and you would be well within your rights to avoid your friend until she sees the light.

Mousefinkle · 13/04/2016 12:39

"I'm not racist, I have black friends!"
In a nutshell. He's a racist piece of shit.

carabos · 13/04/2016 12:46

Crikey isn't that the sort of behaviour that gets people arrested? Hmm of course he hasn't got any black friends. Wanker.

GrumpyMcGrumpFace · 13/04/2016 12:47

ne, he's racist. No normal person would have done any of those things.

As to how to go forward, I would first talk to your friend (who I would assume would see it the way you do) and say you need to speak plainly to her friend, so that she knows it's her BF that's the problem. She might say she'd rather talk to her friend herself. Either way, you don't have to put up with being spoken to or treated like that - it's disgusting.

BTW, I don't think this friend being all super-nice is any excuse. You don't let that kind of behaviour lie, that's not being "nice" in my book, that's just enabling another person's horrible attitudes. I couldn't be with someone who was like that - actually I don't think I could be at the same table as them without saying it was out of order, let along have a relationship with them!

Also- I'm so sorry Flowers

AlpacaPicnic · 13/04/2016 12:49

Yup, he's a tool. It's unanimous. A rare 100% YANBU here.

He sounds like the kind of person who'd buy a 'lady' a 'glass of white wine or fruit based drink' if she asked for a pint. Because he's a twat with defined perceptions of how things "oughta be"

amarmai · 13/04/2016 12:50

you've got him to rights , starting with his over interest and every goading thing he said and did, then the disingenuous amazement with a final insult when you finally called him. He wants you to drop out of the group. That's his goal. sorry for your friend as he has a slew of even nastier friends.Maybe tell your f as she might be able to recognise him for what he is sooner.

MetalMidget · 13/04/2016 12:54

He sounds like a right nobber.

Being charitable, it may be that he genuinely does 'banter' with his 'other black friends' (if they exist), and that they give as good as they get. I have friends who' regularly take the piss out of each other's receding hairlines, facial features, etc.

However, none of us would ever dream of talking in that way to somebody who we didn't have a close friendship with, and generic piss taking isn't really comparable with racially charged stuff!

Catmuffin · 13/04/2016 12:55

Shock He sounds like a right dick!

florianblossom · 13/04/2016 12:56

Ugh how crass!
Men are weird and sometimes put up with this kind of nonsense in groups of "acquaintance " like at the pub or at a football match, just because they don't want to cause a scene or it to end in a punch up. But no one should put up with it in a direct circle of friends, it's demeaning and someone else should have pulled him up on it way before it got this far.
Even if he wasn't racist, which he is, he's a boor and a bully with no manners who you shouldn't have to tolerate either.

Vinorosso74 · 13/04/2016 12:59

Agree with everyone else he's clearly racist and a knob.