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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To call up maternity unit and let them hear the meltdown they've just caused my wife.

253 replies

MissusWrex · 12/04/2016 14:10

Ok well I wouldn't really do that but am feeling very angry right now.

This is my other half's account. She has autism spectrum disorder and dyspraxia.

We had a cesarean section booked for this Thursday. This morning we recieved a call asking us if we could move it up to tomorrow.

We had a discussion about it, checked whether we could change childcare etc. and my wife agreed after she'd worked it through in her head.

We got everything packed and ready. Sat down five minutes ago and received another phone call.

Our appointment had to get changed to Friday. We were given no choice about this, couldn't change back to our original date. Just a sorry, it's got to be Friday now.

We can't get childcare for Friday though I appreciate this isn't the hospitals problem.

What I am very angry about though is that now my heavily pregnant wife is having the mother of all meltdowns upstairs. She is screaming, banging around and I'm just praying she isn't hurting herself. I can't restrain her obviously and she is immensely strong during these episodes which are actually exceptionally rare these days.

It has been a difficult and complicated pregnancy.

AIBU in thinking that maybe they should have just given a little extra consideration given her disability and not changed dates twice in the space of a few hours?

Should I call PALS, I just want to let someone know what this has caused.

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 12/04/2016 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Coldlightofday · 12/04/2016 19:00

she isn't dying she is having a tantrum

Blimey.

Obliviated · 12/04/2016 19:01

A tantrum?!

Are you for real?

Arfarfanarf · 12/04/2016 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 12/04/2016 19:05

Fucking hell mouldy that's one of the shittest, most ignorant attitudes I've seen in almost 3 years on MN.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/04/2016 19:06

The hospital probably let you know the change as soon as they heard as if it had been ten minutes before there would have been complaints about too short notice. Obviously they had no clue the second change would be necessary.

KittyCheshire · 12/04/2016 19:07

.

To call up maternity unit and let them hear the meltdown they've just caused my wife.
BoffinMum · 12/04/2016 19:09

I had a meltdown once when I had SPD and had no end of medical issues and related misery. I don't even have ASD. So I absolutely get how stressful this is. people who are sniffy about this need to walk in someone else's moccasins for five minutes.

They clearly haven't taken her disability into account at all and I would ring PALS and make a formal complaint. Unless there has been a major incident at the hospital and zero bed space or zero consultants around (which being cynical I doubt) this absolutely shouldn't have happened.

A friend of mine had this done to her recently in relation to her cancer treatment when they rang her the day before surgery and put her off for a month so the consultants could take their holidays before the end of the financial year (i.e. not a medical reason and not a capacity one, just poor advance planning within the clinics). A combination of PALS and the local MP got it sorted and back on track the same day. I understand the Chief Executive got involved and kicked some ass.

Mumberjack · 12/04/2016 19:11

When I was pregnant with DD2, if they'd moved my section date back by even one day I would have been broken hearted and likely would have smashed stuff about (DD1 was stillborn at term so I'd had 38 weeks of awful anxiety throughout pregnancy).

They shouldn't use your wife's condition as a stick to beat her with, but I agree with others that you should wait until baby is s here then raise it with PALS. I can't see why they'd refuse your original date now - fair enough waiting a bit extra on an ELCS due to an emergency taking precedence is understandable but it's two days away.

I hope your wife is ok and youre able to welcome your new baby into the world with as little additional stress as possible.

mouldycheesefan · 12/04/2016 19:12

Really? Wow I will ask for it to be deleted

NewYearNewToads · 12/04/2016 19:12

She isn't having a tantrum. She is having a meltdown.

MrsBobDylan · 12/04/2016 19:12

Bloody hell op, I'm so sorry you've had some ignorant and nasty comments on this thread.

Your wife's distress is entirely understandable and as is wanting to let staff know the effect it has had on her. My c-section dates never changed and I've had three planned c-sections so your wife has been unlucky on this occasion, and I would assume it has been unavoidable.

You both sound like brilliant parents and hopefully your DW will feel calmer soon and you can all focus on the excitement of meeting your lovely baby.

KittyCheshire · 12/04/2016 19:14

and people ask why we need a whole month of Autism awareness.

That is why... fucking ignorance.

NewYearNewToads · 12/04/2016 19:17

I would ask for this thread to be deleted OP. If your wife sees the responses on here she will no doubt find it upsetting.

Original poster
MissusWrex · 12/04/2016 19:19

A tantrum it certainly was not.

Kitty that is a useful picture I think I'll save it as people have said this about our daughter in the past too. I try not to get my hair off and explain calmly the difference but it's bloody hard sometimes.

Boffin that was a wonderful result for your friend! I'll have a discussion with my wife tomorrow (it's too raw at the moment) and see how she feels but I imagine we will just focus on this for now.

I will contact PALS after to inform them what happened how I feel it may be dealt with better in future in this situation.

It might help someone down the line, it might not, but at least the information will be there.

OP posts:
Littleorangecat · 12/04/2016 19:22

Wow, a tantrum, really??? That's so harsh. Op- I would echo what other people have said about getting this thread deleted I would find it quite upsetting. Good luck for when the c-section happens Flowers

RubbleBubble00 · 12/04/2016 19:24

Unfortunately NHS has limited resources and only so many theatres and medical staff. Your wife's asd may have been taken into account but it would come behind a medical health issue. It's not just maternity same happens in other theatres. My son was bumped three times and had to wait 2 days to have his arm pinned backed together as much more serious ortho cases came in that needed priority. Upsetting yes but medical needs have to be prioritised.

Original poster
MissusWrex · 12/04/2016 19:26

NewYearNewToads sadly it wouldn't be the first time she's come across certain attitudes and she usually brushes it off.

However as she is extra vulnerable at the moment I will mention to her that some posts may possibly be upsetting, she doesn't usually read threads where I have asked for support re: autism but I will still mention it.

I personally would like the thread to stand as some of the negative views of meltdowns etc. have been combated (though that wasn't the intention of the thread) but if my wife would like it removing I will ask MN to do so.

OP posts:
MrsS1990 · 12/04/2016 19:33

It is her behaviour so need for inverted commas.

Also I was talking about the baby inside her. Not your daughter.

Was/am genuinely concerned for your unborn child if she was that worked up.

PurpleElla · 12/04/2016 19:35

I have ASD and three children (aged 4,7 and 9) and I also have meltdowns, more regularly than the OP's wife. My children are well adjusted, happy children who have a Mum who is generally brilliant and occasionally struggles to cope. My husband is there to help when that happens.

Some of the replies on this post are incredibly judgemental and I would say from people who don't understand ASD. Which btw is not a mental health condition!

MrsS1990 · 12/04/2016 19:39

It is her behaviour so need for inverted commas.

Also I was talking about the baby inside her. Not your daughter.

Was/am genuinely concerned for your unborn child if she was that worked up.

fusionconfusion · 12/04/2016 19:53

I have had about three meltdowns as an adult (full-scale severe OCD). It's basically an override of all rationality - the system goes into absolute threat-driven, well, melt-down. The last time I had one I picked up an implement and bashed my head so hard that I injured my neck quite badly. I would have done anything to stop it. It's an absolutely terrifying thing to experience and I am thankful my children never saw it but honestly, it doesn't make you the terrible risk to children that people seem to imagine here. I am Chairperson of the PTA, I am a very responsible health care practitioner, I am a researcher, l am a long-time meditator and lentil-weaving hippy crafter and have three very beautifully behaved lovely, very-much loved kids, thanks very much. You wouldn't be so dismissive of these sorts of "behaviours" if you understood the whole context of the person but it's not OP's job to justify his wife's ability to parent here based on, you know, a recognised medical condition.

Loopy22 · 12/04/2016 19:56

If she were my patient I would be telling every professional involved about her condition. Unfortunately Birth is unbridictble and messy, what would she do if you she has a ECS? You may need special support ( if there's only two of you) after the baby's born. I know you have a daughter already, but if living to the dotted line keeps her happy how she going to cope with two unpredictable screaming machines?

NewYearNewToads · 12/04/2016 20:03

There are some right twats on this thread.

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 12/04/2016 20:04

Evening all
Perhaps the OP hasn't started this thread in the best of topics
Hope your DW is okay
A reminder that MN is here to make parents' lives easier and if there's one thing we can all do with, it's some moral support
Thanks ever so
MNHQ