To just want to be a mum before I'm 30

[FlowersAndShit]

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, I felt so lucky and happy (I have endometriosis). Then I woke up and realised it was just a dream and my heart sank .

I'm only 25 but i've wanted to be a mum for so long. Unfortunately, life hasn't worked out how i'd hoped. I had an awful time at school due to undiagnosed mild autism, which resulted in me being overwhelmed and terriby anxious at school. At 16 I was put on antidepressants to cope with my anxiety and agoraphobia, and I'm still on them, but slowly weaning myself off them to prepare myself for pregnancy in the future. So far I'm coping well.

I've never had a relationship, but I want a child more than a man. Due to my endometriosis, I don't want to wait for mr right to possibly come along, and then wait another 3-5 years until they are ready for children. I don't want to be an older mum either, so would like to start having children by the time i'm 28.

My plan is to use a sperm donor, or co-parent with a sperm donor. I already have a degree, but I'll need to get a job first, build up a support network, save for the fertility treatment (I may need IVF) and hopefully get pregnant by the time i'm 27/28.

In the meantime, hopefully i'll fall in love with an amazing man who will want to marry me and have my babies all within the next 3 years, and we will live happily ever after. However, that's very unlikely as I'm not prepared to wait years, especially considering my endometriosis, I feel I need to be proactive and not sit and wait and do nothing and gamble with my fertility.

I'm a very maternal, loving person and any child I have would be very loved, doted on and supported in whatever they want to do. It's a physical ache to bear and love a child that makes me so sad, and my diagnosis of endometriosis has just magnified those feelings.

It's even more upsetting when people (mainly on here) assume that I want a child as a sticking plaster and to solve my issues and 'make me happy'. People have children to enrich their lives, to love and nurture and that's what I'd like to have.

I suppose i'm just looking for reassurance and for someone to say 'go for it, follow your dreams of motherhood' instead of condescending attitude that I'm too damaged to have a child and that I couldn't cope alone, especially because I'm prone to mh issues. I can cope, and I will cope.

It just upsets me a bit to be totally honest to think that if you aren't lucky enough to have a support network you shouldn't have children in case you're depressed.

Ultimately though Flowers I think what you have to realise is its your decision and no one else's.

Think of it from the baby's point of view. He or she would seemingly just have you. No father. No extended family. I think it would be better to extend your network first.

I agree it is Flowers decision.
I wish you wouldn't distort what I was saying though.

Not this again.....
Really flowers go out and live a little. Your mh issues have meant that you haven't spent time doing all the things most people do before they have children. Why not get some life experience, a job, get some money behind you first, enjoy holidays etc. Then you have more skills to actually cope with a child and offer good supportive nurturing to them because you have situations to draw on.
Just this once, listen to what people are saying to you and be realistic, instead of coming back time again with the same issue- the advice given is from people with experience or have been in your situtation and know how life is once that baby arrives and isn't just a figure of your daydreams.

some of the posts seem to be almost saying 'never have children! It's misery and woe and will leave you depressed and skint!'

'Almost saying' being the crucial part -- I've just reread the entire thread, and nobody has actually said this, or even come close. A lot of people have shared personal experiences about managing MH and parenthood. It's a difficult and sensitive discussion, and it's unfair to put words in people's mouths and reduce any concerns or attempts to balance expectations into belligerent statements like so if you have poor mental health forget having children?.

(I was responding to daisies, not the OP, in case that's not clear.)

Clearly I've misunderstood then Baboooshka

Sensitive point as am struggling with depression myself, but still want to be a Mum :)

It just upsets me a bit to be totally honest to think that if you aren't lucky enough to have a support network you shouldn't have children in case you're depressed.

I don't think people are saying that if you don't have a support network you shouldn't have children "in case you're depressed". It's more like if you already have mental health issues and depression you should think very very carefully about having a baby, which could very well worsen those issues and need extra help.

I've read a lot of your threads flowers and posted on your one about weaning yourself off your anti depressants without the help of your GP really recently. I think the best thing you can do right now is concentrate on getting your health as good as possible with the aid of your GP. You don't have to decide about children right now. Look after yourself.

Think about the life you can offer a child and what sort of mum you think you will be.
Then imagine you are the child and how you would have felt growing up with you as a mum. If it's a good feeling, then go for it. It's not, then wait to see if things improve.

OP I don't know you and I obviously can't know for sure if this is the right time for you personally or not. I am not going to minimise how you feel. What I would say though is that I have partially been where you are now, about 8 years ago: hideous, debilitating endo, depression, in my case at least partially as a result of the endo pain, not yet financially stable, no house and although I was with my now DH, we weren't yet married (that won't be important for a lot of people, in our case we're not religious but we both place quite a lot of value on the public legal commitment). I also desperately wanted to be a mum.

Once my endo was eventually diagnosed, even with the dire "don't leave it too late to have a baby" warnings that I was given it made a huge difference as I could start treatment. You're part of the way there on the battle because you know what you have - with endo that's huge! I was able to have a laparoscopic excision of the worst of the endo, plus a mirena to keep hormones as they needed to be until we ttc. As the pain eased so did my depression, I got the job I wanted and we married and got our home. I'm now a very proud mummy.

Waiting was absolutely the right thing for me, for DH and most importantly of all, for our daughter. I have a feeling from your posts that waiting, and focusing for just a little longer on getting yourself as well and set up as you can would be the best thing for you and your future baby too. Obviously only you can make that decision. Good luck

OP, in the kindest possible way, if you are crying at the posts on here - which are overwhelmingly sensitive and supportive - you are not 'stronger than that', nither are you when your first respons to hearing things you don't like is to want to get the thread deleted. Your whole response to this thread suggests you need and expect other people to make you feel good about yourself and your actions and cannot cope with being denied that. That really does not augur well for parenthood - sorry.

Then you sound alarmingly absolute in your plan. It's got to happen by 30, it's going to happen alone and by donor. You don't sound at all open to the curve balls life and particularly parenthood is brilliant at throwing when least expected.

I know what it's like to feel shit and find the thing, the plan, the thought, the ida that relieves that pain. But in this case I think the stakes of acting on this idea at the moment are too high.

sorry, slightly dodgy e key

Going to have this thread deleted now.

Why bother? You'll just start the same thread again anyway hoping to hear what you want to hear.

I know the endometriosis means that you have to be pragmatic about motherhood, but please don't think you need to do certain things in your life by certain ages. It's another form of pressure on you. Good luck x