To just want to be a mum before I'm 30

[FlowersAndShit]

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, I felt so lucky and happy (I have endometriosis). Then I woke up and realised it was just a dream and my heart sank .

I'm only 25 but i've wanted to be a mum for so long. Unfortunately, life hasn't worked out how i'd hoped. I had an awful time at school due to undiagnosed mild autism, which resulted in me being overwhelmed and terriby anxious at school. At 16 I was put on antidepressants to cope with my anxiety and agoraphobia, and I'm still on them, but slowly weaning myself off them to prepare myself for pregnancy in the future. So far I'm coping well.

I've never had a relationship, but I want a child more than a man. Due to my endometriosis, I don't want to wait for mr right to possibly come along, and then wait another 3-5 years until they are ready for children. I don't want to be an older mum either, so would like to start having children by the time i'm 28.

My plan is to use a sperm donor, or co-parent with a sperm donor. I already have a degree, but I'll need to get a job first, build up a support network, save for the fertility treatment (I may need IVF) and hopefully get pregnant by the time i'm 27/28.

In the meantime, hopefully i'll fall in love with an amazing man who will want to marry me and have my babies all within the next 3 years, and we will live happily ever after. However, that's very unlikely as I'm not prepared to wait years, especially considering my endometriosis, I feel I need to be proactive and not sit and wait and do nothing and gamble with my fertility.

I'm a very maternal, loving person and any child I have would be very loved, doted on and supported in whatever they want to do. It's a physical ache to bear and love a child that makes me so sad, and my diagnosis of endometriosis has just magnified those feelings.

It's even more upsetting when people (mainly on here) assume that I want a child as a sticking plaster and to solve my issues and 'make me happy'. People have children to enrich their lives, to love and nurture and that's what I'd like to have.

I suppose i'm just looking for reassurance and for someone to say 'go for it, follow your dreams of motherhood' instead of condescending attitude that I'm too damaged to have a child and that I couldn't cope alone, especially because I'm prone to mh issues. I can cope, and I will cope.

I have never said having a baby would make everything fine. Where the fuck have I said that?

When you say you are weaning yourself off your ADs, is this with the support of your GP?

I'm not going to bother judging your state of mind/MH or whether you're ready to have a baby or not. I've just come on to let you know it doesn't have to cost loads of money. I've got two children via a sperm donor from the website coparents.com I paid my donor do the petrol money but that's it. You an buy AI kits online. Good luck

I'm with Molly I'm afraid. I know it sounds harsh, but you have posted extensively about your issues and you can't expect people to ignore them now. I really would keep a child as a 'at some point in the future it would be nice' thought and focus on improving your health and becoming independent.

Also, pregnancy is not a bag of roses either. My first pregnancy that desperately wanted actually worsened my depression. Puking, tiredness, insomnia etc. You really need to be stable as possible with as much support as possible.

You need to focus on one thing at a time, surely two years isnt enough time to find a job that pays you enough to have saved for ivf.

You would also need to think about maternity pay and leave, dont you have to be in a job for something like 21 weeks before the sixth month of pregnancy to even get smp?

Does your GP know you are reducing your medication or are you doing it alone?

What about the agoraphobia? Is it hampering you getting a job? How will you cope as a single parent with little support when you have a child that has to be taken out for gp appointments, dentist, nursery etc?

You have time to get yourself in a better place, financially and mentally, I'm 41, a single parent with a 5yr old.

I had an awful time after giving birth, I needed surgery twice, blood transfusions and was in and out of hospital for 4 months, I couldnt even pick my baby up for 6 weeks because my c-section was opened up and left open with a drain and a machine attatched that I had to carry around. Who would look after your baby if something like that happened to you?

Don't try and do everything at once. Small steps, start with your mental health and finding a job so you can build up some savings.

OP, it's ok to have a goal and a timeline as long as you are happy to change them if things don't all come together. You are only 25 so it's still a while before you get to thirty.
Concentrate on yourself and hopefully everything will work out.
I've no problems at all with people setting out to be single parents but if you go along this route then you really need to have support and financial security. There are plenty of fantastic Mums who have MH issues - it's not a reason not to have kids it it is a reason to be very practical and sensible.

I think it's worrying that your only goal is to have kids.

The next two years is practically right now: that more or less means conceiving a year from now. That's soon to get all your ducks in a row, especially if you need the financial stability of a job which with paid maternity leave and to have worked the qualifying period.

BTW I've posted on your other threads. I think you sound a bit vulnerable

OP, I understand the urges, however I honestly think that unless you really are running out of time biologically speaking, you shouldn’t look to be a single parent as I honestly don’t know how a pregnant woman copes on her own with pregnancy – let alone with a baby.

You say you suffer from anxiety – So do I…. You say you suffer from autism, I’m just about to go to my GP to try and begin the journey to get a diagnoses as I also believe I’ve got significant traits. I think of myself as very strong – numerous degrees, professional, senior job, financially independent… all of this meant nothing when you throw hormones into the mix.

I have a loving partner, a good job, supportive friends and decided there was nothing holding us back from having a baby and got pregnant last year at 33.

Honestly – I couldn’t have prepared for how I felt, it was horrific… My anxiety / depression (never suffered from depression before) went into overdrive and despite the amazing support I got from friends and family, I very quickly became suicidal and only one of my sisters and medication helped me from honestly taking my own life (She phoned her when I was writing ‘goodbye’ letters). It was truly the worst time of my life. Very soon it became ‘Me or neither of us’ in my head, so I made the incredibly painful decision to not continue with the pregnancy.

I’m not saying this to scare you – I appreciate most women don’t feel the same way as me and won’t have the same experience, however I was lucky enough to HAVE a lot of support and should your anxiety / depression and the added ‘fun’ of hormones, potentially give you similar feelings, it can be such a lonely and quite frankly, horrific place to be in, mentally. I plan everything in my life… my entire life from the age of 9 has been planned in various ways – Yet I couldn’t begin to plan for what I felt or how I experienced pregnancy.

I understand the need to be proactive – I am currently talking through everything that happened with a counsellor and being proactive from a mental perspective, I’m trying to work through why I felt the way I did, how I could potentially cope better if there’s a next time and ‘plan’ how to deal with the hormones in any way I can (whether that’s tablets or any other way).

I’d just be very wary that hormones are utter bastards – They make you feel / experience and think about things in very different ways and have the potential to make a very happy experience, a completely miserable one.

I think it's because two years doesn't see like very much time to achieve your goals to work, build a social network and look for ways to improve your mental health.

Even if you do meet these goals in this timeframe, this deadline doesn't give you any space to enjoy the freedom and experiences that these achievements will bring before you throw yourself into what can be one of the most raining periods in most women's lives.

You have the opportunity to achieve these goals and then settle into your skin a bit, learn more about who you can and want to be when not weighed down by mh problems. You could really enrich your life and give yourself space to make a more informed decision into having a child, one that is more relaxed and hopeful and not desperate and anxious.

Go for it! Follow your heart. Don't worry about life falling into place first.

Having a baby was the right thing for me. It was the dream that kept me going through depression, the key to getting over my anxiety. Having a baby forces you to focus on someone else, to get up and get out, to socialise even if you feel anxious and tired. I have more friends now than ever before. It's easy to make friends via NCT, baby classes etc.

Oh and I also have endometriosis and ovarian cysts. I fell pregnant within 4months of trying.

What I would say, is try and meet someone to have that family with. Parenting can be lonely and exhausting. My DH is my rock and best friend, and I love sharing the special moments with him as well as supporting each other through the sleepless nights and anxiety of a new baby.

But OP you've posted this before - and you were told - gently - that you're not in the right place at the moment. I knew this would be you before I opened the thread. All your previous threads hint at quite serious MH issues don't they? You seem to be saying here that they don't matter - and that, of course, is a matter for you and your healthcare professionals. I don't know why you're asking MN for the final say so on your having a child but it would seem to me that the timing is not right for you - and yet it strikes me that it's not up to anyone else to say yes or no.

Single parenthood isn't easy at the best of times - even when all your ducks are lined up. You've spoken before about your poor relationship with your father - so where is your support network?

This exactly.

Like other posters, I haven't searched your past posts, but I remember them because you post so often about the same thing, in the same way, and you're clearly desperately seeking validation from a bunch of total strangers for your 'dream'.

I would be as delighted as anyone to hear that you are recovering from what sound (in past posts) like quite significant MH conditions, anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, but I remain alarmed by the fact that you are viewing a real potential child as your dream. You keep denying that you want a child to solve your problems, but all of your posts suggest exactly this, and you seem unwilling to see how profoundly connected these two statements in this OP are:

I'm only 25 but i've wanted to be a mum for so long. Unfortunately, life hasn't worked out how i'd hoped.

All of your posts suggest that you want a child precisely because 'life hasn't worked out how you'd hoped'.

The thing is that it sounds as if you are currently not coping well with life, far less managing to be in a fairly stable situation, emotionally, financially etc - can't you see that you still have to cope with life when you have a child, in fact more so, and that it's often far more challenging to do when you have sole charge of someone small and vulnerable and needy and difficult? Loving your child is a great start, but far from the whole story.

A lot of people are still working things out at 25, and getting on their adult feet after unhappy childhoods and schooldays (I certainly was), so you're on good company there, but you need to focus on recovering and getting yourself into a stable set-up in order to even consider single parenthood. With the best will in the world, it's irrelevant to your potential child that you 'don't want to be an older mother'. Take your time, and don't delude yourself into thinking that a diagnosis of endometriosis means you can or should rush into conceiving.

"I have never said having a baby would make everything fine. Where the fuck have I said that?"
You didn't say it in words. But it's screaming loud and clear to me that you see it as your one and only answer to life. I don't think I've read your other threads, just this one. And that's what your posts on this thread are telling me about what you see having a baby would mean to you.

Please can everyone read my OP. I'm not planning on having a child right now but in the next 2 years when I'm in a better position.

But you don't know that in 2 years time you will be in a better position!!!

Just focus on making the positive changes - and if it takes 2 years or 6 years the important thing is to be living a happier life. Having some stupid self-imposed arbitrary deadline will most likely hinder progress.

I remember at least 3 threads when you say the same thing. Either you want opinions, or you don't. If you don't, then stop posting the same question.

What positive steps have you taken in the last 3 months towards leading a mute fulfilling and stable life?

I believe that when I get a job and meet new people / have friends, my mental health will improve. So why isn't this your first priority? What are you doing to make this happen?

Having a baby forces you to focus on someone else, to get up and get out, to socialise even if you feel anxious and tired.

I'm glad that, in your case, motherhood helped you, but it's very dangerous to assume that being 'forced' into situations that you presently find unbearable is a good thing for MH issues.

Ok, you want a baby in a couple of years. Fine. Things might change, but it's ok to have that idea in mind. So the next step is to think about how you're going to put yourself in the best position to do that. You say that you think you'll be fine depression-wise if only you get some friends, start work, have a support network -- so surely the thing to be focussing now is getting those things in place? Do you have a plan for how to do this? With respect, simply going off your anti-depressants is not enough of a plan (I say this as someone who has come off ADs myself). These things are not going to happen unless you make them happen, and simply assuming that they will be in place in two years time is not going to help you in your ultimate life plan. It's fine to say that the baby is your priority in life-goals - but you must recognise that sorting out other aspects of your life (ie actually addressing them) is necessary to becoming a mother (and no, the baby is unlikely to cure other things).

I think this is a difficult thread to reply to but I feel need to come on to support the op in one way. I was diagnosed with endo in my early twenties and found there was a lot of pressure from doctors saying "if you want kids, do it now". If you read stories from people with endo online, many of them have experienced infertility to one extent or another. So it can be very frustrating when people say "oh, you're young still, plenty of time" " women are having kids later" and so on. Endo does often effect fertility. To pretend otherwise is unhelpful.
Having said that, whilst your fertility is an important factor in timing, don't let it control your life and ultimately leave you in a more vulnerable position.
I can't really comment on your personal issues, I'm not sure it is my place but I can say some of the things that helped me in the period between being diagnosed and ttc (5 years). How helpful are your doctors with your endo? Do they know how severe it is? Are you on any medication? There is a lot of dietary factors that some find helpful to change and I know some people who have found relief from acupuncture and similar. Look at what you can do to preserve your fertility. I also found it helpful to be really aware of what my options were if I couldn't get pregnant. There are many roads to motherhood and considering that relaxes your timeframe and gives you more space to get your life in the most positive place possible.
Finally, I was diagnosed in my early twenties and told that I would be very likely to have fertility problems. The doctors were very disapproving that I did not start ttc until I was thirty (circumstances simply weren't right before) I took about six months to get pregnant the first time and at 37 am now expecting my fourth. I never thought that would happen! Best of luck for the future.

It's all very well for all of you high minded people to sit and judge. It's very very hard when the thing you want most of all seems so out of reach. Having something to focus on and a timeline on which to hold onto (however realistic or unrealistic) will be beneficial to the Op's MH. The op has said quite clearly she doesn't want to be an older mum and as she has endometriosis she does statistically have a higher chance of finding it harder to conceive. So on that score she's not wrong to want that sort of timescale.
Op I'm in a very similar situation to you. I'm 25 and have gyny issues which may or may not cause me to have issues interns of fertility and pregnancy. I'm not in a financial situation to bring a child up nor am I yet willing to sacrifice my other dreams (things I would like to do before having children). I also don't have a partner and frankly I'm not sure I want one! Whatever you choose to do will be your choice and will be the right decision whether others agree with you or not. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

Flowers! We meet again.

I am a sympathiser Flowers, you know I am, but it does feel like you're coming at this from the wrong angle; although I have no doubt it doesn't seem that way to you. But sometimes you can only see when someone isn't coming at something right when you've (finally) made it to the other side yourself.

Firstly from an MH perspective, would you agree that you alternate between presenting your MH issues as powerful; being responsible for your many negative experiences or aspects of your life; and minimising them as perhaps "situational" or something you could overcome, if only you had a good enough reason (i.e. a child)?

Others may not share my experience but I put it to you that this is this inconsistency is the very battle with MH you have to overcome; the battle is for you to win from the inside, not for life to fix from the outside. If you really could overcome them, overcome them now. If you find you can't, stop make-believing that you could and change your life day in, day out, until they are managed and you have a life you want. The life you want comes from the inside out, not the other way round. Stop being distracted, think of nothing else until this battle is won.

In my experience until you can respect your various issues as having the potential to be powerful (hugely so, even deadly) but know that you are managing them and protecting yourself every day, you are at risk, and so is everyone you are close to. Unless your issues have no power. Then throw them away today. If you can.

PS loads more stuff on having kids over 30 (I was 31, once I'd learnt how to manage my fertility-damaging life destroying MH issues) but just this for now!

In my experience until you can respect your various issues as having the potential to be powerful (hugely so, even deadly) but know that you are managing them and protecting yourself every day, you are at risk, and so is everyone you are close to. Unless your issues have no power. Then throw them away today. If you can

I think that is a really eloquent post.

I am a huge advocate of following dreams.

However my concern would be that

A) you are putting far too much pressure on yourself

And

B) yes people have babies to enrich their lives. However the day to day reality of it is that you spend the majority of your life exhausted, anxiety is hightened beyond belief and all sorts of hormonal changes happen. Even for people with no prior MH issues it can be a real struggle.

This is why other mumsnetter are giving you this advice. No-one means to be condescending, they just realise that it doesn't matter how much you "think" you understand being tired and stressed, it is magnified by 10 when you have a child. (This comes from someone who constantly pulled all nighters and went to work the next day)

I am by no means saying you should not have children. Of course you should. But you are not financially stable or have the support of a partner. This is all stress that you have to be able to bear.

Give yourself a couple more years to find a job, make friends, meet someone. when you hit 30 you will not feel "too old" and plenty of people with endometriosis go on to have children throughout their 30's

Don't we all have children because we think they will bring us happiness or enhance our lives in some way?

Yes, Daisies, but we don't have a starting point of "life is currently shit, this and only this will fix how bad I feel".