To just want to be a mum before I'm 30

[FlowersAndShit]

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, I felt so lucky and happy (I have endometriosis). Then I woke up and realised it was just a dream and my heart sank .

I'm only 25 but i've wanted to be a mum for so long. Unfortunately, life hasn't worked out how i'd hoped. I had an awful time at school due to undiagnosed mild autism, which resulted in me being overwhelmed and terriby anxious at school. At 16 I was put on antidepressants to cope with my anxiety and agoraphobia, and I'm still on them, but slowly weaning myself off them to prepare myself for pregnancy in the future. So far I'm coping well.

I've never had a relationship, but I want a child more than a man. Due to my endometriosis, I don't want to wait for mr right to possibly come along, and then wait another 3-5 years until they are ready for children. I don't want to be an older mum either, so would like to start having children by the time i'm 28.

My plan is to use a sperm donor, or co-parent with a sperm donor. I already have a degree, but I'll need to get a job first, build up a support network, save for the fertility treatment (I may need IVF) and hopefully get pregnant by the time i'm 27/28.

In the meantime, hopefully i'll fall in love with an amazing man who will want to marry me and have my babies all within the next 3 years, and we will live happily ever after. However, that's very unlikely as I'm not prepared to wait years, especially considering my endometriosis, I feel I need to be proactive and not sit and wait and do nothing and gamble with my fertility.

I'm a very maternal, loving person and any child I have would be very loved, doted on and supported in whatever they want to do. It's a physical ache to bear and love a child that makes me so sad, and my diagnosis of endometriosis has just magnified those feelings.

It's even more upsetting when people (mainly on here) assume that I want a child as a sticking plaster and to solve my issues and 'make me happy'. People have children to enrich their lives, to love and nurture and that's what I'd like to have.

I suppose i'm just looking for reassurance and for someone to say 'go for it, follow your dreams of motherhood' instead of condescending attitude that I'm too damaged to have a child and that I couldn't cope alone, especially because I'm prone to mh issues. I can cope, and I will cope.

Wrong thread, what a tool.

OP best of luck. I hope you get your wish.

Sorry Op but I agree that you don't seem to be in the right place, practically or emotionally for this.

You said planning gives you control and something to look forward to - that's great and completely understandable, but it still seems like you're idealising having a child and not taking into account the hard work and draining reality of looking after a child 24/7.

Can you try and focus your energies onto something else? Plan a trip, a hobby, or a project? Just something to give you a clear aim to work towards until you're more on your feet and in a better place to cope? I know it isn't the same by any means, but you should have a child when you're in a good place and settled, when you have support and people around you to help. You've said your isolation and lack of friends is a result of your lack of friends. You're going to be more isolated, not less with a child. I couldn't begin to understand how difficult it must be to meet new people when you're suffering from agoraphobia, but I think that's what you should be working on right now. Creating a supportive network of friends, which will in turn (hopefully) help your depression and move you into a better place emotionally for a child.

Good luck

Yesterday I was reading the thread about 'would you give your teenage daughter a pill' where a few young parents stated their children had saved them.

I also know there are many hundreds if not thousands of Mumsnetters with MH conditions, without secure financial backgrounds and without partners (or with them, sometimes disastrously) - why is the OP so different ?

First of all big hugs i cant imagine how you must feel. But i will be honest A baby is a huge drain on your physical,emotional and mental health, I was a teen mum and even with a great network suffered PND , im mot saying babies arent lovely they are but i think maybe nows not the right time judging by the OP , why the rush on 30? Society is different now plenty women having babies over 30, maybe try and meet someobe first i appreciate its difficult with ASD , try and channel your focus into something else i also appreciate that asd lends itself to obsessiveness in certain areas , which wont help your pre existing issues, i hope youve found some help on this thread but ultimately its not our decision to make.

whois did you read where the OP said in the first post

"It's even more upsetting when people (mainly on here) assume that I want a child as a sticking plaster and to solve my issues and 'make me happy'. People have children to enrich their lives, to love and nurture and that's what I'd like to have."

condossecretjunkroom is right. No one on Mn is going to gloss over stuff and make parenting sounds easy. I'd never admit what I wrote in real life about how looking back I should have been in a more stable place. Wanting a child when potential fertility problems rear their head is a raw and lonely place. I know how deeply it hurts. My response to whois would have been the same back then but she and the rest of us are offering unjudgemental advice even if it doesn't feel that way.

I've brought my own child into a chaotic situation (different from yours, I'm lucky enough to have not suffered mh problems) and I feel so guilty about it.

Do not feel pressured by your endometriosis. Although it can affect fertility, it isn't a given. I was really struggling with mine, lots of pain, lots of lesions, but got pregnant on my first attempt. Do NOT use your endo as an excuse for rushing into something when in reality you have plenty of time. You are only 25, you have plenty of time (I was 35). Take that pressure off yourself.

And now for the brutal bit (sorry). Reading your OP it's like you see having a baby as the answer to all your problems. A bit like some people who think their life will be wonderful, just as soon as they lose the weight. Having a baby will NOT make everything all right. Life will be the same, just with a lot more work and a lot more responsibility. Parenthood is not about you - it's about the child. As a parent, your needs come second to theirs. Nobody has the right to bring another person into being, to serve their own needs and wants. Any child you have will be their own person, not your comforter. OK, brutality over. Some women do have a deep need to be a mother, maybe you're one of them. But you need to put the child before yourself and what you want.

Flowers you seem to post quite a lot on this, as a PP mentioned I suspected it would be you before reading the OP. You seem to want MN to validate your decisions which in itself is quite worrying. I'm all for people achieving what they want out of life but I also don't think you're in the right headspace at the moment. You seem to conflate the different issues of difficulty in conceiving with MH problems and an arbitrary timeline. Obviously no-one has the final say on another woman's conception choices but if it's a 'go for it' response en masse you need then I can't offer you one.

OP- I'm a single parent of 3 with shaky mental health.

You are not being unreasonable wanting to be a parent despite MH issues.
You are unreasonable to have a random deadline of 28. Do you really think that over 30 = older mother? 30 is average.

After reading your post, I do get the impression that you see having a baby as something that will make you happy. Even in a relationship, pregnancy and the first year of being a parent is extremely stressful. There is no acknowledgement in your post about this which means that you come across as naive. Even after the baby phase, parenting involves lots of anxiety and patience. (Your post only mentions children being life enriching)

I think that focusing on career, mental health, saving money and finding friends are positive goals to have. I worry for you that having the artificial deadline of 28 will work against you and set you up for failure. A deadline is extra pressure (= anxiety risk) and is going to work against your mental health rehabilitation. I know that I'm lucky to have children so won't understand how much endometrisis effects your mental health but you need to take things one step at a time.

Yes Itinerary I did read that the OP wants a child to enrich her life and so she has something to love and to nurture. I do not think a woman's desire to 'nurture' something should override the responsibility to provide a stable environment for a child.

I despair at the numbers of women on MN who have a child in unstable situations, or go on to have further children in an already shit set up i.e. with an abusive partner. Chaotic home lives harm children. Being a single mother is not a bad thing. But its really really really hard to provide a good home life when you don;t have a support network and even harder when you throw depression, anxiety and agoraphobia into the mix.

What about getting a dog OP? That would be something to love and to nurture and quite a lot of responsibility without much of the stresses of a baby.

If I were you, I'd wait, OP. Please don't underestimate the difficulty of raising a child, especially when you're aware you're at increased risk of PND.

I had my DS at 33: I didn't think I was too old. I'm married to a very supportive husband. He's an excellent dad. I had a low risk pregnancy and no history of depression. When my son was born he developed reflux and colic. He screamed for 6 months day and night. Even with another very capable pair of hands to share the load I struggled and quickly developed PND. The first year of my son's life was incredibly difficult - I have absolutely no idea how I'd have managed on my own.

That's not to say single parents can't or don't do an excellent job: of course they do. But deliberately setting out to be a single parent because of an arbitrary deadline seems to be making life unnecessarily hard on yourself. Don't rush.

But Adrenaline If I listen to that advice, i'll never have children. My life will never be good enough according to other people, to bring children into. I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row beforehand, deal with my MH issues, get a support network, get a job, and hopefully have a child. You might as well tell me to give up my dream of motherhood, but why should I? It's the only dream I've got, and the only thing I want in life. If other people can, why can't I? What you are really saying is, I'm not and never will be, good enough or emotionally stable enough to be a mother. I disagree and I hope I prove you wrong.

I have endometriosis too. I was single right up until I was 27. When I turn 30, my daughter will be 3 months old.

OP, nobody is saying you should be denied your dream, just that going it alone just to get there as soon as possible is a high risk strategy.

My life will never be good enough according to other people, to bring children into. I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row beforehand, deal with my MH issues, get a support network, get a job, and hopefully have a child.

No, people are saying that right now it would be a really bad idea. But in a couple of years, when you are in a better place with your MH and have built up some support network, some savings, hopefully a job with decent ML - then that would be a much better time to get PG.

I think you need to really examine your strong desire to have a child - your comment It's the only dream I've got, and the only thing I want in life. If other people can, why can't I? sounds a little immature as if you are stamping your foot and making a fuss because you haven't got a child at the moment.

Do you interact with children at the moment, why not do some voluntary work to really give involved and spend time with children rather than just focussing on having your 'own' baby.

Parenting is very, very hard work - easily the hardest thing I have ever done in my life (and I had a supportive partner and no financial worries at all) - I didn't have a child until I was 42 - why the rush?

whois I've already said I'm not ready to have them right now. But in a few years I will be. Please read my OP.

You know what OP. I probably could have written this post at 25. I'd had my heart majorly broken twice. I was suffering with un-diagnosed ADHD, depression and eating disorders. I absolutely hated myself and was completely and utterly emotionally unstable and tried to take my own life. I thought a baby and/or a relationship would be some magic cure all.

Fuck but I was wrong. Thank GOD! I never had a child then!

10 years later I am the happiest I've ever been, I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children (all within the last 7 years).

Focus on making yourself happy with you now, don't add a child into it. You've plenty of time.

Please can everyone read my OP. I'm not planning on having a child right now but in the next 2 years when I'm in a better position.

I disagree and I hope I prove you wrong

You see that's the sort of black and white thinking I'm referring to. That response would be better suited to a discussion on whether or not you can do couch to 5k in 2 months, not a discussion on having a baby.

I think you should talk to your doctor, if you have not already about what the risk would be to any pregnancy if you continued to take your medication, another poster said that they continued to take their medication throughout - weening yourself off tablets without medical advise is not a wise thing to do.

I don't think anyone is saying that you have to give up on your dream of having a child, they are just saying very gently that right now it is possibly not the best time, and you yourself say "your trying to get your ducks in a row" so you must on some level understand that right now it is not a good idea.

Being a parent is incredibly difficult, being a single parent with a small baby is even more so. I watched my very strong mother struggle with myself and my brother, whilst trying to work all hours to raise us and my DP prior to meeting me was a full time single parent, a very strong person with financial independence and it was incredibly rewarding but incredibly difficult for both of them.

It is not a light decision to take bringing a child into the world, and in order for you to be happy and for that child to be happy you need to put steps in place to achieve that.

Right now IMO you should focus on you, getting you feeling better, getting a job, getting a support network and then you can think about how you will bring a child into the world physically, mentally and financially.

You never know Mr or even Miss Right may just be around the corner, and yes many people do it on their own but it is in most cases much better to do it with a loving supportive partner.

The problem is that by putting this pressure on yourself and making a baby your only focus, you're much less likely to be in the right place in 2 years.

But why the deadline? Focus on you not having a child, or even planning on having a child. You have plenty of time to get yourself into a much better place before putting pressure on yourself to conceive.

But you keep on starting these threads, Flowers . I haven't advanced searched you, btw, I remember your name because I've been aghast at some of the stuff you talk about alongside your assertion that everything would be fine if only you had a baby.
You really need to engage with some real life help.

It's the only dream I've got, and the only thing I want in life.

You sound like a prime candidate for PND with this statement. Looking after a baby is hard work. Especially as a single parent. You will likely find for the first months and maybe years, parenthood is not all you dreamt of. And then you'll wonder why having a baby hasn't cured your depression/anxiety. A child is their own person, not the key to your happiness.