To just want to be a mum before I'm 30

[FlowersAndShit]

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, I felt so lucky and happy (I have endometriosis). Then I woke up and realised it was just a dream and my heart sank .

I'm only 25 but i've wanted to be a mum for so long. Unfortunately, life hasn't worked out how i'd hoped. I had an awful time at school due to undiagnosed mild autism, which resulted in me being overwhelmed and terriby anxious at school. At 16 I was put on antidepressants to cope with my anxiety and agoraphobia, and I'm still on them, but slowly weaning myself off them to prepare myself for pregnancy in the future. So far I'm coping well.

I've never had a relationship, but I want a child more than a man. Due to my endometriosis, I don't want to wait for mr right to possibly come along, and then wait another 3-5 years until they are ready for children. I don't want to be an older mum either, so would like to start having children by the time i'm 28.

My plan is to use a sperm donor, or co-parent with a sperm donor. I already have a degree, but I'll need to get a job first, build up a support network, save for the fertility treatment (I may need IVF) and hopefully get pregnant by the time i'm 27/28.

In the meantime, hopefully i'll fall in love with an amazing man who will want to marry me and have my babies all within the next 3 years, and we will live happily ever after. However, that's very unlikely as I'm not prepared to wait years, especially considering my endometriosis, I feel I need to be proactive and not sit and wait and do nothing and gamble with my fertility.

I'm a very maternal, loving person and any child I have would be very loved, doted on and supported in whatever they want to do. It's a physical ache to bear and love a child that makes me so sad, and my diagnosis of endometriosis has just magnified those feelings.

It's even more upsetting when people (mainly on here) assume that I want a child as a sticking plaster and to solve my issues and 'make me happy'. People have children to enrich their lives, to love and nurture and that's what I'd like to have.

I suppose i'm just looking for reassurance and for someone to say 'go for it, follow your dreams of motherhood' instead of condescending attitude that I'm too damaged to have a child and that I couldn't cope alone, especially because I'm prone to mh issues. I can cope, and I will cope.

Yes, but I am a bit perturbed by the number of people insisting a child will make everything awful.

Going to have this thread deleted now. Thank you so much to those of you who gave helpful, constructive advice. I've been crying at all of the other posts implying that I'm mentally unstable and incapable of being a good mother anytime soon, thanks for making me feel like i'm not good enough, but i'm stronger than that.

You can't just have a thread deleted because you don't much care for the answers I'm afraid. It doesn't work like that. Honestly I'm not sure what made you think you'd get different answers this time round with the same statement/question but it's always going to be this way and to be honest it would be irresponsible of MN'ers to be urging you to go ahead and have a baby in your circumstances. But here's the thing - if you don't believe us why not just go ahead and have that baby anyway? What's stopping you? I don't get this at all - you've had so much support, help, guidance all the time you've been posting this question and you still get the hump when the answers are the same?

How about reframing your objectives then, focus on your goal being healthier, financially independent and feeling part of a support network.
Tick off your steps along that journey and feel proud of the progress you are making for yourself.
As you reach the end of that journey, you may still want a child and you will be in a good place begin pursuing that dream.
But I am very worried that there are currently lots of reasons why you may not have a baby in the next two years (such a very short time away), most of which are outside your control and which might make you feel as if you have failed (not because I or anyone else would look at you and think you a failure) because you don't have a child rather than celebrating all the ways you've improved your life and how much better placed you will be to have a baby in your 30s.

You can't just have a thread deleted because you don't much care for the answers I'm afraid

This

Op, please read the thread carefully. There are a few 'off' statements but there are also lots of thoughtful posts. I seem to remember that you have had at least one thread deleted before (if not more).

Some suggestions sound trite but they are still sensible - keep busy, do volunteer work, get a pet (I think you already have one eat healthily, exercise, join some clubs - there are all standard suggestions
Look after yourself and be patient, you are still young and it's not even been long since you left home

I am a bit perturbed by the number of people insisting a child will make everything awful

I don't think they are, Daisies, merely pointing out that the fact that you love your child doesn't necessarily make parenting, whether single or partnered, easy, and certainly that pregnancy and the months after birth are common times for even previous mentally-healthy women to develop depression, anxiety etc, because it's a major life change.

Frickle Not picking on your post in particular, but it's an example:
merely pointing out that the fact that you love your child doesn't necessarily make parenting, whether single or partnered, easy, and certainly that pregnancy and the months after birth are common times for even previous mentally-healthy women to develop depression, anxiety etc, because it's a major life change.

And how about the pain of infertility?

I lost the career I had always dreamed of because of my mental health. I've lost a lot of things. The one thing that hasn't been taken from me (yet) is the chance to have children. I have other ambitions, sure - but the most burning one, by far, is this. But I am 5 years older than the OP and also have endometriosis. I also seem incapable of attracting a man that isn't abusive, and unlikely to be in a financial position or with a support network to have children alone.

If someone could tell me for certain "It will happen one day" that would be a huge mental and emotional burden lifted. Currently it's like some long drawn out fear, I will never know for definite until menopause or pregnancy/live birth. Having previously just assumed I'd meet someone and be having childen now, reassurnes of "oh, there's plenty of time" or "you're bound to meet someone" ring hollow.

I'm fighting back tears as I write this.

I don't think people who just met someone and had babies as per the expected life course can understand what it's like.

So erm... Flowers don't focus on having children, focus on doing all the other stuff so that you're ready when you do. It's ok to have a plan in the back of your mind, but do the stuff for you, as much as for future babies.

OP, you said that your anxiety and agoraphobia led to isolation. Having a baby is immensely isolating. Even more so when you have no support network. And the friendships you make through work may well change if you e.g. Decide to become a sahm to bring up the baby or if those friendships are with people who themselves don't have children.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a mum. But there is everything wrong with that being the only thing you want in life. Because this baby you desire today could be a toddler in two years time, then a preschooler, then primary, then a teenager and at that point they will be off doing their own thing and needing you less. And then they will leave home and have their own lives and families, and if you've spent your life focusing on being a mum then you will find yourself isolated again in the next few years.

And even with an aspiration there are still no guarantees. Even if you get to a point where you are ready to have this longed-for baby there are no guarantees that it will actually happen. Putting all this expectation on something which as yet hasn't even happened can only do your self worth harm if things don't work out as you planned. And it also puts unfair expectations on a child being born into a situation where they are the only thing their parent dreams of/desires in life. A child cannot be expected to live up to your expectations, and could well come to resent you in time if these become more apparent.

Sorry but in the gentlest possible way yabu.

Focus on getting a job, getting some stability and tackling your MH. You're only 25.

And how about the pain of infertility?

Element, I'm sorry you've been through all that. It's not a pain contest to determine who's suffering most, though, surely.

I had my only child at 39 because circumstances were really not right - and I mean seriously not right, not mildly unsuitable - earlier on. I made that call, that it was less damaging for me to risk the pain of never having a child because I was too old than to risk bringing a child into very unideal circumstances. Some people will have made the opposite call in similar circumstances, and I don't judge them for that, but I stand by mine.

In the limited sample size of all the people I know well enough to comment, the people who have the worst time with parenthood are those that have a very romanticised view of it before they start. The people that seem to do well are those that know it will be hard, don't have a rosy view of it, have support (we don't have family support BTW).

I spent hours in Casualty on Friday, hauling around a screaming child, having to advocate for my child, deal with HCPs and other people, carrying 50 lbs of weight, worrying and making decisions that were very important on no sleep and lots of stress. This wasn't a particularly hard week, parenting-wise.

On here people live the reality of being a mother. It is selfless and hard. It's also rewarding and wonderful. But selfless and hard is more important, because that is about the child's needs, not yours.

OP I have opened up to you about how hard having children is on one's mental health, based on my experience, in order to help you. A bit offended that you'd reply dismissing my (and others) supportive responses as just being negative! We are reading your posts and telling you from our lived experiences that you need to be in a much better place, and not pin your hopes on a child making things complete.

bitttapitta is right op. The vast majority of these posts are positive and many people have talked honestly and unjudgementaly to you about their own mental health. I know our situations are a bit different but as I said upthread I know what it's like to desperately want a baby in my early twenties and to realise that it's not going to be as easy as 'ditch the condoms for a couple of months'. It feels so unfair. However I also know what it's like to have a newborn far away from family and although I wasn't single, I felt very unsupported in the first years. Sleep deprivation is a killer for anyone. I can't imagine it does much good for Mh issues.

I love being a mum but I went into it blindly thinking I was so biologicaly in need of a baby that was the only reason I.was ttc. it wasn't, I was trying to make things better with a baby and it just doesn't work like that.

MrsTP I hope your kids ok

So if you have poor mental health forget having children?

I agree the OP shouldn't be thinking of children just yet but I'm shocked at the number of posts citing depression as a reason in itself to swerve the parenting thing.

I really hope this thread doesn't get deleted and I hope you can actually read the responses OP rather than being defensive and just assuming everyone is against you.

Dreaming of motherhood is fine but for the right reasons. Maybe your reasons are the right ones and all the people who have read your previous posts are incorrect, or maybe you're not quite thinking clearly on this point at the moment.

Do you think with your MH issues that you could cope with a really hard, stressful, demanding job at the moment? Because motherhood is that X 100 some of the time. If you happen to have a clingy or colicky baby or a bad sleeper, all of the time.

Presumably the answer is 'yes', then.

Daisies
I agree the OP shouldn't be thinking of children just yet but I'm shocked at the number of posts citing depression as a reason in itself to swerve the parenting thing.

I haven't gone back and reread the thread but I don't think ANYONE has said that. What most posters are saying is that if you have depression you need to make sure everything else is in place (support, financial security etc) to give yourself and your family the best chance of everything going well.

I also knew it would be you OP before even opening the thread.

Although a few have stated it rather baldly, unkindly even, I do agree you need to get yourself some RL help and be in a stronger, healthier, happier position to have a baby. Sorry.

I agree the OP shouldn't be thinking of children just yet but I'm shocked at the number of posts citing depression as a reason in itself to swerve the parenting thing

People are citing depression anxiety and agoraphobia AND zero support (no partner, no supportive friendship network, no supportive family) as a reason to delay having children.

delay until there is a better support network in place

Fair enough, but some of the posts seem to be almost saying 'never have children! It's misery and woe and will leave you depressed and skint!' :)

daisies, you do know that up to 30% of women suffer post natal mental health issues? And that percentage rises even higher for women who have previously experienced an episode of depression? Also, women who conceive after IVF experience 4 times higher rates of PND?

I'm not suggesting that being depressed means a woman couldn't/shouldn't have children - but I think most women would try to do as much to protect themselves as possible, with help from family, friends and HCPs. I know how horrible and debilitating PND is - it must be very frightening without a good support network.

That's not what I have taken from the thread at all. It's hard, and op objectively not best placed to cope at the moment as has been sensibly pointed out. Plus there's no rush as she's so young.