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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To ask why you go to work

481 replies

IamthepermedowlofVeronica · 10/04/2016 22:10

Try to be brief but thorough....
Due back from 1 years maternity at the beginning of June. Hate job, don't want to go back. Have had offer of temporary ad hoc work between June and start of summer hols.
Wondered how much job seekers is whilst I apply and interview over summer hols. Did the online calculator tangy: If I work current hours and pay childcare I would earn £6 less than if I signed on job seekers.
So why should I go to work (no career, just a money earning job) and how does signing on work? Has anyone found it detrimental to confidence etc?
Hopefully I'll get another cash earning job in September or,something when ds will be 15 months

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 13/04/2016 09:55

Yes, I do outsource part of my children's education and healthcare. I see it as part of my parental role to ensure my children are well educated and healthy and where I need help in that, I outsource it. Tbh, I don't see the problem in seeing it that way, albeit I'm not the one who came up with the idea!

roundaboutthetown · 13/04/2016 10:01

So, what is goady about the idea that people sometimes outsource childcare, education, medical and dental care? I would say we all do it, some more than others.

CazY777 · 13/04/2016 10:02

If my dh lost respect for me because I'm not working at the moment he'd be out the bloody door. If I was sitting on my arse all day with no kids to look after that would be different, but I think my dh understands its not easy dealing with all night wakings, doing the bulk of the house work, entertaining a toddler all day and spending my evenings on eBay trying to general some income etc. If he wants to do it for a while (we may swop in a few months) I wouldn't disrespect him either.

MiniMover · 13/04/2016 10:32

I certainly don't think DH respected me less in the years I wasn't working. Quite the opposite I'd say. It allowed him to earn even more money and he regularly told me he couldn't do what I was doing.

By that same token, should he lose respect for me now because his professionally qualified salary is 5x my professionally qualified salary?

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 13/04/2016 10:35

Ahem

MiniMover · 13/04/2016 10:42

Tbf, Olivia, being told you're spouse will lose respect for you if you don't contribute financially is a fairly shit thing to say. Esp if you have caring commitments which making outside work fairly impossible.

NoCakeLeft · 13/04/2016 10:44

I haven't read the full thread, but I can say that after doing some simple calculations, I realised that I can't afford to work. My DP earns 20000, most of it goes on the bills(rent, council tax, electricity etc)

MiniMover · 13/04/2016 10:44

your spouse.
As I mark Y6 practice Sats spelling sheets! Grin

NoCakeLeft · 13/04/2016 10:55

Shit. I didn't finish it. DD kicked my hand.

We get CB for 2 DC and some tax credits. About £90/week. If I will go to work, we won't be entitled to any tax credits, but would have to pay for childcare. Which would probably be more than I would earn.
So unless I can find a job in which I will earn about as much as my DP does, we will be worse off.
With current situation we don't even have £10 emergency money left every week and we don't buy stuff from Waitrose or anything like that. And we have already cut down on stuff that's not a necessity.

Currently just waiting for DD to grow, so we would be entitled to some free childcare. Until then I really cannot see way out of this.

MiniMover · 13/04/2016 10:59

Nocakeleft, would you not getting working tax credits which help towards childcare?
What were you qualified to do before stopping to have children? Could you do it part time? I'm not being accusatory. Your post just sounded like you wanted to work but couldn't financially.

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 13/04/2016 11:41

@MiniMover

Tbf, Olivia, being told you're spouse will lose respect for you if you don't contribute financially is a fairly shit thing to say. Esp if you have caring commitments which making outside work fairly impossible.

The WOHM/SAHM debate has always been and ever shall be divisive.
We're all about freedom of speech and disagreeing with people is fine.
But please keep it within the talk guidelines, yes?
TIA

NameChange30 · 13/04/2016 11:57

NoCakeLeft
Are you (as a family) getting working tax credits and/or child tax credits?
You can get child tax credits whether or not you are working. If you are, the childcare element covers up to 70% of childcare costs.
So if you're not already getting CTC I strongly recommend that you apply.
And if you are considering getting a job, you could contact CAB and ask them to do a benefits check and "better off" calculation to compare what your income would be.

NameChange30 · 13/04/2016 11:59

nocakeleft
You might also be able to get housing benefit and council tax reduction.
Check an online benefits calculator, like entitledto.co.uk, or ask CAB for a benefits check.

tootyflooty · 13/04/2016 12:06

I work 7 days a week in three different jobs, total hours about 45, so not totally unreasonable, hubby also in pretty good FT job, however have never qualified or tried to claim any sort of allowance, so even if I stopped work or cut hours, we would be entitled to nothing, but couldn't then afford essentials. I work partly out of necessity, but if we didn't need the income I would still work, but considerably less hours, this would free up time for what I really would love to do, either retrain as a veterinary nurse or volunteer at an animal shelter. Neither of which are sadly achievable financially at the moment. It's nice if you can be in the position to make choices.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 13/04/2016 12:47

I don't think my post shuold have been deleted. It was a fair response to a very horrible comment, and I stand by it. I think that poster should apologise, and people should remember that many parents of children with special needs can't use regular childcare, and have to stay at home for their children whether they like to or not.
Telling them that they are less worthy of respect is dispicable.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 13/04/2016 13:04

Just checked with DH to find out if he respected me less when I was a SAHM and didn't contribute financially. Apparently quite the opposite. Having been a SAHD briefly he skipped back to work and respected me more for taking on all the DC day to day issues.

flirtygirl · 13/04/2016 13:15

Its is outsourcing, not goady at all, majority of parents outsource education also and whats wrong with that? Cant understand the response on this thread to the word outsource. Its like some are going out their way to be annoyed.

GetAHaircutCarl · 13/04/2016 13:26

Outsourcing child care, house work etc is not remotely offensive.

It's when posters try to say that working mothers ( never fathers of course) are outsourcing parenting.

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 13/04/2016 13:29

@SmarterThanTheAverageBear16

people should remember that many parents of children with special needs can't use regular childcare, and have to stay at home for their children whether they like to or not. Telling them that they are less worthy of respect is dispicable.

We agree whole heartedly - but we ask that you post this kind of response without resorting to personal attacks.

areyoubeingserviced · 13/04/2016 13:29

It seems that some people are offended by the fact that I suggested that some men lose a little respect for women who don't work.
I am not saying that it is acceptable and there are different circumstances to consider ill health ,special needs children etc.
However, many of my close friends are family lawyers and all of them said that they would encourage women to remain at work if possible as they have had cases where supposedly decent men decide to divorce their wives to shack up with someone else
They are then reluctant to give anything to their ex wife , who has given up her career to look after the children. The ex wives then find themselves in financial problems.
Many of the men state that the ex wife didn't deserve anything because she didn't work and that they don't respect them.
This is despite the fact that both parties agreed that the wife should not work .
This is an emotive subject, but I stand by belief that some men lose a little respect for women who do not work.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 13/04/2016 13:30

We agree whole heartedly - but we ask that you post this kind of response without resorting to personal attacks

OK, it just touched a nerve and I felt that it was a personal attack in its own way. Mine was just a much more sweary one!

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 13/04/2016 13:31

This is an emotive subject, but I stand by belief that some men lose a little respect for women who do not work

You did not say SOME men, you said even the nicest men, ALL men.
Very different thing, and pretty offensive.

MiniMover · 13/04/2016 13:36

But if DH left me, I'd automatically get half our assets and if I wasn't working, I'd go back to work. I also, encouraged by DH, have quite a bit of savings in just my name. He doesn't have any in just his name. The idea was to allow me access to funds immediately if he died or was hospitalised unconscious for a prolonged time whilst I wasn't working. There's no need, even if you decided to sah, for that sahp to be financially at the mercy of their partner. Dependence on their salary to pay the bills is one thing. Being financially controlled is quite another.

areyoubeingserviced · 13/04/2016 13:42

Smarter- I think because it is an emotive subject posters cannot help but project .
Of course there are some men who appreciate the sacrifice of their wives, but there are others who do not .
I didn't feel that I had to use the word some men as I assumed (albeit naively) that posters would know that I didn't mean that all men thought this.

minipie · 13/04/2016 13:44

Why do I go to work? A timely question as I've just returned to work from maternity leave and my 3yo keeps asking why.

It's not for the money. DH earns plenty to keep us all in comfort.

It's because the alternative is looking after small DC 24/7 and I am not well suited to that. I wouldn't be happy and I don't think it would be good for my DC either. And I'm lucky enough that my job pays enough to cover excellent childcare (better than me in many ways), so I have no guilt.

So "to escape from my children, at least some of the time" is probably is the main reason.

And because DH's job is not secure (whose is) so to have mine as back up is reassuring for us both.
And because I want to protect my earning power in the event of divorce or DH dying.
And because I want my 2 girls to have a close example of women having careers, even after they have babies.
And because I'm a feminist and think it helps the cause of feminism a teeny tiny bit if I keep working.
And because it's nice to have the extra money.
And because I enjoy it (well, mostly).
And because I think DH I have a better relationship when we're both working, because our lives are more similar.
And because I don't want to end up doing all the "wifework" and if I'm working, it is easier to ensure DH does his fair share.

A little bit of all of these together.... I don't say all this to my 3 yo though Smile

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