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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a hand to hold

113 replies

Tootsiepops · 09/04/2016 20:13

...whilst my (legally dead) mum is in theatre donating her organs? I'm bereft. She went in for a somewhat routine operation on Wednesday, there were complications, and she's not coming home. She was declared brain dead last night. I am so lost. I didn't know the organ donation process was so lengthy. I really hope the recipients lead full and happy lives. I need something positive to cling to as right now I am struggling to get off the floor it hurts so completely.

Love you so much Mum x

OP posts:
Reallybadday · 09/04/2016 21:39

I'm so sorry about your mum. Flowers

What a wonderfully brave thing you are doing. My friend's organs saved so many lives last year. It is a huge comfort in the long term to know that others were helped but the process was so hard for her immediate family at the time.

gumdropss · 09/04/2016 21:48

Oh you poor love. I am so sorry. Xx

MyMarchMN · 09/04/2016 21:49

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

LindorBunny · 09/04/2016 21:53

Oh, goodness, I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. I hope someone is there to give you a real life hug.

MrsPigling · 09/04/2016 21:54

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Welshmaenad · 09/04/2016 21:59

Tootsie I'm so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful gift you are offering others at a time of such trauma. I'm sure your mum would be immensely proud of your bravery.

smokedkipper · 09/04/2016 22:03

Another hand here.

The most amazing, inspiring teacher at my dcs school was saved by a long transplant, the donor family's gift has changed 1 and by extension literally hundreds of lives.

thank you.

bestcatintheworld · 09/04/2016 22:23

I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you and your mum for your selfless act of donation Flowers No words will make this better, but you know that a tiny part of her carries on living - in the donors, and in your beautiful baby

Original poster
Tootsiepops · 09/04/2016 22:41

Thank you all again Flowers

The process was taking so long, I was beginning to wonder if I'd done the right thing in prolonging the grieving process, but after hearing so many stories, I definitely know it was the right thing to do. It just hurts. A lot.

I can't properly let go yet. I spent time with her after she'd been declared brain dead and it was so strange - she was warm and breathing and blood was flowing through her veins -.but everything that made her my mum was gone.

When she was in intensive care, I spoke to her and told her I loved her and that I wasn't ready for her to go and that me and the baby needed her. She twitched and I had to get one of the nurses to wipe away what looked like a tear, but I think it was all just coincidence. They do say the hearing is the last thing to go though, but I couldn't bear it if she'd heard me and it caused her distress.

I just called the hospital and the operation is still ongoing. It will be a long night.

OP posts:
8FencingWire · 09/04/2016 22:43

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry :(

HawthornLantern · 09/04/2016 22:47

So, so sorry Flowers

Paddingtonsmarmaladesandwiches · 09/04/2016 22:49

My sincere condolences and my complete admiration for you and your mums generous gift of life. In so so sorry for your loss. You have done something amazing at a very difficult time. Your mum must have been an amazing lady to raise such a brave daughter.

BrioLover · 09/04/2016 22:52

So so sorry for your loss.

My mum died a couple of months before my DS was born. It's just so shit.

What an amazing thing she is doing. She will be giving life to four people, this is mind boggling to me.

AnUtterIdiot · 09/04/2016 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sidge · 09/04/2016 22:57

I am so very sorry that your mum has gone. You will miss her and love her and remember her for ever. But she will leave a legacy that lives on in others, including you and your daughter, and those that receive her organs will live healthier and fuller lives - what an amazing thing to do!

She is amazing for being a donor, and you are amazing for being a part of that in your time of immense grief and pain. I wish you peace, love and strength.

aLeafFalls · 09/04/2016 22:58

So sorry to hear you're going through this tootsie. How kind and strong of your family to do this. Your daughter will know of your Mum through you, I'm glad she got to meet her too.
My son works with the surgical teams who do this work. He says they all have the greatest respect for the families, for their courage and ability to think of others at a most difficult time.
We have a close family friend who had a heart transplant as a very young adult. He's the loveliest of men and now not only has he been able to marry and have his own children but he also finds time to volunteer at a hospital, working with very ill patients. He has made a big difference to many ill, frightened people. He knows what it's like to be sick in hospital and is able to offer support - and much needed humour - because he's been there himself.
He and his family only know the heart donor was a young girl. They joke about it accounting for him being in touch with his feminine side. But the girl and her family are never forgotten and we all feel grateful to them.
I'll be thinking of you during this difficult night, as will many on MN. I admire your courage. I'm glad you had a lovely mum who raised a lovely daughter.

mineofuselessinformation · 09/04/2016 22:58

I'm here with you.
I've no experience of being the relative of someone donating, but I do know someone who wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for her new lungs.
Your mum will always be with you in your heart and in your memories.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

GlitteryFluff · 09/04/2016 23:06

I'm so sorry.
I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Thanks

Custardmiteofglut · 09/04/2016 23:16

Words are so piffling at times like this OP. I'll hold your hand Flowers

It is an amazing gift that you and your mum are doing with the organ donation. What an enormous, generous thing you and she are doing for so many people.

My thoughts are with you both tonight.

ThisWasCrownjewel · 09/04/2016 23:26

Another hand to hold here, Tootsie. I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. I can only echo what other posters have said - your mum is doing an amazing thing right now, to improve the quality of life of others and to buy them some extra time to spend with their loved ones, and your decision to allow the donation is wonderfully selfless and brave.

Hooleywhipper · 09/04/2016 23:26

Offering a hand to hold. Am so so sorry for your loss xx

Member251061 · 09/04/2016 23:42

I'm so sorry for what an awful time you're going through. Hand to hold here x

ButtofaMonkey · 09/04/2016 23:45

I saw a programme recently about the amazing results that organ donation can give. I also have a very close friend who's life has been transformed by organ donation. You, your Mum and your family are doing something amazing. I wish it could be easier for everyone.

Ohfourfoxache · 09/04/2016 23:53

Oh you poor love Sad

Tootsie you've done the most amazing, wonderful thing. Truly, the heartbreaking decision you made has saved not only people waiting for transplants, but you've saved their families and friends agony as well.

The entire thing is shit. The "waiting" is utterly unbearable. Actually, that's the biggest possible understatement. There just isn't a way to describe it adequately.

I wish you weren't going through this xx

Original poster
Tootsiepops · 10/04/2016 01:07

It's all over now.

She's been stitched and washed and is in the mortuary.

The donor coordinator said that they will write to me in three weeks with some information about the outcomes. She also said thank you a million times - she must have just the most bizarre job being with both grieving relatives, and delivering life saving news that they've found a match to recipients.

Thank you so, so much for all of your kind words and hand holds. I am exhausted and will now try to get some sleep x

OP posts:
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