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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I should be allowed to keep my books on our bookcase?

115 replies

EdithSimcox · 09/04/2016 16:42

I never venture onto AIBU. Be gentle.

My DP doesn't approve of some of my books and has removed them from the bookcase. She says she doesn't want 'any of that shit around' (religion).

I think it's outrageous censorship, she thinks it's her right. Is SIBU or am I?

OP posts:
BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 09/04/2016 21:10

I haven't read any of your previous threads, but this doesn't sound good.

I'm a rabid atheist myself, but DH is CofE and has a couple of shelves of religious nonsense philosophy, takes DD to church every so often etc.

Either accept the person you're with, or split up with them; you can't stop them from being who they are... why would you want to? She's not being fair to you.

emwithme · 09/04/2016 22:34

DH's copy of The God Delusion lives on the same shelf as my bible. Our house hasn't spontaneously combusted yet

He has no issue with me going to church. I have no issue with him not going.

podly · 09/04/2016 23:28

I would question why she doesn't want the books on the book case as in what has that religion done to her? If it's because for some reason she has be persecuted by this religion then I would understand her point. For example if you are gay and your religion doesn't believe in gay marriage.

ThirtyNineWeeks · 09/04/2016 23:32

OP, I read your thread describing the pathological hatred your wife has for God/Christianity and how subjugated you are in respect of when and how often you are permitted to worship.

Please leave this woman.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/04/2016 23:36

Well, if she doesn't want that shit around and you believe in that shit, then she doesn't want you around. Right?

I don't believe in any of that shit either but nor do I believe in censorship and, perhaps more significantly, I don't suffer from a deep sense of inadequacy, social anxiety, or whatever it is that would cause one to care about feeling judged about whatever is on shared bookshelves in a joint household.

Fyaral · 09/04/2016 23:48

I am an atheist and have two shelves of religious books including two Bibles, a koran, bhagvad gita, some hari krishna stuff, various non-fiction focussed on religion and some books about atheism. I also have plenty of non fiction on other subjects such as philosophy, history etc.

Lots of my decor and ornaments are religious and I have taught religious studies previously. My degree was centered on religion.

Sibvu and I think you have been tolerating her control long enough. She cannot let her issues impact on your life in this way and expect to keep the relationship.

If you are secure in your atheism it does not matter what others do. I have been to many church services, attended prayers in mosques, synagogues, gurdwaras and Hindu temples. None of this makes me less of an atheist, just a more educated one.

What other people believe is no threat to you. The vast majority of religious people I speak to are happy to discuss their faith and my ideas. There is very little to be gained from outright hostility.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 10/04/2016 18:17

It depends....do you mind telling us what the titles are?

It doesn't matter what the titles are, and it doesn't depend. They are her books, she can read whatever she likes and display them as she likes.

EverySongbirdSays · 10/04/2016 18:49

Fair point, yes, but for example my thought process was if the titles were a bit in your face, I could see why the partner wouldn't want visitors to mistake them for hers, and I'm sniffy about what I display where. Hence why later on I suggested 'Hers and Hers' bookshelf areas if the partner didn't want anyone to mistake them as being part of her collection.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/04/2016 19:00

I am rabidly opposed to kitchens and cooking.

I still wouldn't forbid a partner from having a copy of jamie does Paris (or what ever)

Bringiton2016 · 10/04/2016 19:22

I think it's been established that it's not about the books, but if it was, the cooking thing is not really an analogy.

Organised religion is very damaging to society and the world IMO. Women and homosexuals are second rate citizens, we are told to know our place and not question . In fact organised religion keeps everyone subservient. I would not want these themes on display in my house as I am offended and outraged by them. I do not respect people for their religious belief. But I would not be in a relationship with them either, which is the real issue here.

Original poster
EdithSimcox · 10/04/2016 19:47

To be fair to DP this is not some kind of social anxiety about what visitors might think! It's just that she doesn't want to know they're there herself.
For this reason I've been buying most of my books on Kindle for the past year ... but I've only just realised that DD1 shares my Amazon cloud. I hope DP doesn't clock that one!

OP posts:
Original poster
EdithSimcox · 10/04/2016 19:49

Wouldn't a 'hers and hers' bookshelf make them a whole load more visible than just shoved in amongst 100s of other unrelated paperbacks?

OP posts:
LittleRedSparke · 10/04/2016 19:56

"caps you are forgetting I don't get to go to church.... (Not a topic for this thread!)"

I think this should be very much in this thread

DP is objecting to your religion in a big way, and if they are controlling to the extent of not letting you go to church them, yeah LTB

Original poster
EdithSimcox · 10/04/2016 20:04

Women and homosexuals are second rate citizens, we are told to know our place and not question

No doubt that is true for some, and of course the church has an awful record on some issues. But it is not my 'lived' experience (despite being a gay woman) and wholly irrelevant to where I may or may not keep my books.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 10/04/2016 20:05

OP, YADNBU. You seem to have agreed with a lot of her terms, what has she agreed to?

annandale · 10/04/2016 20:14

Of course it's not petty to put them back on the shelf. However, I wouldn't wait for her to notice, bite the bullet and say 'Just to let you know, 'I've put the books you showed me back on the shelves and I'd like them to stay there; this is my house too.'

This is clearly a huge breach between you and I'm not sure there is ever going to be a peaceful solution, but giving in to this kind of action is not it.

MorrisZapp · 10/04/2016 20:14

This is insane and you know it.

Is this the person who won't allow a Christmas tree in the house?

BIWI · 10/04/2016 20:17

Why are you hiding your book choices though, by reserving for your Kindle? What's the problem with your DP? You make her sound very controlling, which doesn't sound good.

EverySongbirdSays · 10/04/2016 20:24

You're in an EA relationship OP and you need to either go to Relate or start making preparations to leave or to ask her to leave.

Why is having your freedom of expression circumscribed and curtailed acceptable to you?

Original poster
EdithSimcox · 10/04/2016 20:35

Is this the person who won't allow a Christmas tree in the house?

No. I haven't seen that thread but it's not us.

OP posts:
pointythings · 10/04/2016 21:10

I think this is terrible - and I am a stone atheist. If my DH wanted religious books in the house I wouldn't have a problem with that. We have very different taste in reading - he likes techno thrillers and police procedurals, I like steamy supernatural romances and horror, though we both agree on Terry Pratchett and Phil Rickman. That's what being in a relationship is about.

Your DP is being horribly controlling.

ThirtyNineWeeks · 10/04/2016 21:39

I suspect the OP enjoys moaning about this relationship. Nothing changes and only she believes her partner truly loves & respects her.

musicposy · 10/04/2016 21:51

This sounds so controlling Sad DH's books have zero appeal to me, loads of thriller/ action/ killing spree things which I really wouldn't want to read. I have all sorts of books which he doubtless wouldn't want people thinking he read either! DD2 is an aethiest and happily shares bookcase space in a house where there are bibles and the odd religious text. She, in turn, has lots of sciencey books from people who write about their aethiest views. DD1 reads huge sagas such as Game of Thrones - my only gripe with her books is that they come in sets of 7 and thus take up masses of space. Grin

We all cohabit happily on the same bookcases. We have our own in the bedrooms but just about anything and everything gets added to the downstairs ones. Anything else is controlling and unfair. We all live in the house; four adults (just about, youngest is 16) and nobody dictates to anybody else. This is how it should be, and nobody should have to get their books on kindle unless they actually prefer to have them there. OP, don't let yourself be bullied like this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/04/2016 21:58

Edith, this has been going on for quite some time now. She simply isn't going to come to terms with your rekindled faith. She just isn't. And speaking as an atheist, I find her behaviour towards your faith fucking awful.

So where do you go from here? Either you live in this warzone with a partner who refuses to respect you, or you sit down and talk about splitting. Would this give her enough of a fright to think again about how unreasonable she is being?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 10/04/2016 22:03

Well I wouldn't want religious texts all over my house either, so I do understand how she feels about it being her right to not be surrounded by them. That said, if it's your religion, unless you've suddenly found a faith out of the blue, surely this isn't a new thing; why is it now an issue?

If you are both on completely different pages with religion, this is never going to work out. She can't respect your faith. You can't respect her not liking religion.