AIBU - Mother hoarding money

[rubberdubber1970]

Ok here's the scene
My father spent half his life moving money from account to account to get the best interest rate, he invested heavily in stocks and shares and mostly made money.
Money became his god, he would never spend, food was always cheap cuts, never any heating on in the house, bath was only allowed to be filled half way, no holidays, wore the same clothes week in week out etc etc

My mum always a housewife used to complain about his meaness.
My father died 5 years ago leaving a tidy sum (about £350,000 in cash) and the house
My mum is 75 and not in the best of health, I have moved her to a place near me so I can help her out.

My brother has rheumatoid arthritis and struggles to work every day, but has to work to pay his mortgage.
I have chronic tendinitis in both arms (yes it hurts to type) but I run my own business so can't stop as I also have a mortgage to pay and don't get sick pay
I have spent about £5000 on acupuncture, therapists, physio to try and cure it

My brother has no children (only grown up step children) I have a daughter and will not be having anymore.

My mother in law (aged 93) is in a care home at £730 per week, she had £63,000 now most of it's gone for her care home fees.

My mother has turned into my father, she struggles to walk, but won't get a taxi, she won't turn the heating on, won't phone my brother because he has a mobile phone so costs more, even when I bought her some special offer wine she queried the price that I said she owed me.

All the while she sits complaining about the rate of interest she is getting from the bank - Forgot to mention she has two private pensions and a full old age pension - she has an income of £1000 per month and out goings of £600

For the last 5 years I have been telling her to spend her money, I have been brutal telling her that if she goes into a care home that they will take it. I've explained about inheritance tax and how her estate is above it. My father spending his life avoiding tax, she seems happy to give it to the system.

I have begged saying if you don't want to give it to me or my brother, or her only grandchild then at least give it to charity - but to do something good with it.

AIBU? I know it's her money, but she could really help out my brother and aid his suffering, but she won't listen, the money just sits in the bank earning a total pittance.

The mother needs to make sure everyone knows she is entirely sane, probably has another 25 years to live and can save her money as prudently as she chooses.

Exactly what Eustace said...one really does not want to be living out of ones car at 90 odd.Rainy days on the horizon.

You won't persuade her; she has spent all her life in this mindset and she certainly won't change now. And it is her money.
All you can do is try and help her stay in her home; once she goes into a care home all the money will go, very quickly; (bitter experience).

Re-reading the original post, I have realised the OP's mother is the 75 year old, not the 93 year old. In which case... what Eustace said.

Although it is probably worth having the power of attorney conversation, because this is something which needs to be done whilst she is still in full possession of all her marbles.

I think it's terrible how you save all your life yet all the money can get taken for care fees leaving nothing for your children. Is there a way to avoid this?? Seems system robs from you from birth till death.

Anyway, I'm a care worker and there's a man I see and he is well off but he hates spending money on anything, even essential items he gets the cheapest and hankys are flannels that can be washed and reused (grim) it does annoy me as I think he has no children, enjoy your money why are you so tight.

I don't think it's terrible at all. If you have money to pay for your living expenses and care in old age then you should use these to meet those costs. Grasping offspring hoping for a payout in the will are well down my list of concern.

A capacity test is done by a GP. You may well have to pay for this.

I think it's terrible how you save all your life yet all the money can get taken for care fees leaving nothing for your children. Is there a way to avoid this?? Seems system robs from you from birth till death

You sound like my sister

Rebecca - is it only the elderly you think should be housed, fed and have all heating/water etc bills paid for them, irrespective of how much money they have, or are there other rich groups you think should be kept by the state? If you can't cover your housing needs yourself, the state pays, I don't expect my housing costs to be met by the state as DH works, if we had no money coming in or savings, I would expect help.

Realistically, unless houses are going to sit empty for 10years or so, most older people going into a care home are going to sell them. Forget that it's a care home and focus on the fact it's also the home they are renting, why should an elderly person with say £300k in the bank from the sale of the house have their rent and food provided by the state for a decade or more (on top of getting a pension) without having to pay for it?

The issue is that older people are living for a long time in care homes now, people don't die in their early 70s after a couple of months stay, it's long term housing as well as care for the elderly.

Many families don't end up having to use care homes for their elderly relatives, but in the OPs case, it is clear neither she not her brother will be able to offer care in their homes rather than paid for care.

I hope the mother does spend all of her money, but not by giving it to her greedy, grabby daughter.

Dinosaurs really that is true.... If all our taxes go towards caring for people who've made or been unable to save for care home fees, buy a house etc then all well and good but if you do have assets I'm more of the way of thinking that yes of course they should be used to pay.

However i do also think more should be done re private flats with wardens as they really are a con managed by a management company whose prime aim is profit from service charges.... V good reasons why my ex boss tried to warn potential buyers about them.

TBH OP you do sound rather "what about me". Your DM is only 75 and obviously compus mentis judging from her examination of bank account and interest.

That generation was v much shaped by the terrible grinding poverty of post war Britain. FFS rationing didn;t end until a couple of years before my eldest DSis was born, and I am only 57!

My Mum and Dad were a few years older than yours and were the same mindset. I tend to have the "squirrel it away for a rainy day" mindset too, not surprisingly.

However, it would be a good time to have the talk about her future care - what does she want re care home, warden controlled etc etc while she does still have the money and her marbles.

BMW6 yes I recall my nana (mum's mum) telling me about no social services, not being able to afford proper lunch (soup and a roll) and having to send her DD to a milk farm after her DH got sent to prison (he was a con artist and she divorced Him when she found out, but married him thinking she was pregnant (she wasn't) then the drama started!

My nana was lucky in the fact her dad worked hard, had his own business and provided for his family well (first man in his street to get car, cats whisker radio etc) but he'd left school at 14. Her mum (his wife) used to bring food parcels to and helped the poor of her area (London) when she died they (local poor) followed behind her coffins procession apparently.

A cousin of my nanas recollected been starving and having to sing and play the organ on the streets which sounds positively Dickensian.

Hence my nana living to 90 in private warden assisted flat but not wanting to go into a care home for fear they would take any money she had (250k in savings). Luckily she was fairly well off and when she did need help got private carers in, a private shopping service and M&S home delivery but she knew how exertortionate care homes were and didn't want to go in one anyway.

Yes OP if you are still reading just speak to mum about her options, 75 is a veritable spring chicken.