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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at FIL for feeding my daughter meat?

443 replies

Fruitypebbles · 09/04/2016 13:40

Hi, just joined the site to ask this.

We're vegans, and my daughter has been raised and weaned vegan. She's 5 and happily eats anything put in front of her. She's very healthy, not lacking in any vitamins or nutrients at all and is beautiful, happy and refuses to eat meat usually because she knows in child friendly terms why we are vegans.

Despite her health being perfectly fine (she rarely ever gets ill, let alone any deficiencies in iron and protein - there's plenty of protein in plants!) my FIL thinks we're evil. We've given him all the information, shown him exactly how much she gets in a normal day and he can see how healthy she is. He fed her a meat casserole, she obviously couldn't recognise the meat in the stew because we use meat subs occasionally. She was very, very sick after this as her body can't digest meat after never eating it. Why can't he just respect our choices to not eat animal products? AIBU?

OP posts:
oliviaclottedcream · 10/04/2016 18:24

I agree with Lakiey.

Headofthehive55 · 10/04/2016 18:26

Apparently cleaty it's to do with the enzymes that you produce in order to digest meat and milk. If you don't utilise that ability it can and does disappear sometimes.

I don't think it would be right to force any food on someone, as they would choke.
I do think however one has a right to determine what you eat, when you are the one cooking it...but when you are being hosted by someone else or grandad is looking after grandchild then I think you have to go with the rules or convention in that house. I try not to be too prescriptive really. That's my personal view though.

Gabilan · 10/04/2016 18:44

I do think however one has a right to determine what you eat, when you are the one cooking it...but when you are being hosted by someone else or grandad is looking after grandchild then I think you have to go with the rules or convention in that house

Really? Does granddad get to feed bacon to a Jewish child or beef to a Hindu child? If that is the case (and I personally do not go along with it) then it needs to be clearly agreed in advance. If it comes down to "my gaff, my dietary preference" then you need to be forewarned so you can say "fine, I and my children will eat elsewhere".

snipskit · 10/04/2016 18:57

"FIL thinks we're evil"!! Shock
YANBU. I think it's appalling. He is being extremely disrespectful of your life choices and therefore he should only have restricted and supervised access to your daughter from now on until you feel able to trust him again (if ever). He had no right to do that, regardless of his views as she is your daughter and you are raising her in what you believe is absolutely the healthiest and most ethical manner. The only time people have the right to intervene and override a parents' choices is if there is an obvious and immediate threat to a child. The idea that meat and dairy are necessary parts of a human diet is a completely outdated one and there is more and more evidence emerging on a regular basis to back this up. Perhaps understandably, he is a bit stuck in the past but eating meat and dairy is a choice not a necessity and as you (presumably) don't force him to follow your way of life, he should not try to force your daughter to follow his.
BTW I and my four children are very fit and healthy vegans - they are all rarely ill, full of energy and very tall for their age (no stunted growth here!!) If anyone in my family pulled that trick there would be a massive fallout - luckily they are all very supportive and in fact have all gradually come more and more towards our way of eating and loving the benefits! Hope you manage to sort it out x

Original poster
Fruitypebbles · 10/04/2016 19:09

I mean, I said a long time back but it's not difficult at all for him to feed her a vegan diet. We've given him everything he needs - pre made home cooked meals, a few ready meals (they're a bit junk food-y but that happens in a meat eating house anyway) and things like Linda McCartney sausages, vegetable patties (egg free), veg fingers which are just fish finger type things with potato, carrot and peas instead. Frozen things they can throw in with chips and veg and have the same easy meal they'd have if they fed animal products, so I'm not making it hard for them at all.

OP posts:
cleaty · 10/04/2016 19:34

Headofthehive - That explains why this can happen to vegans, but not vegetarians.

Headofthehive55 · 10/04/2016 19:49

Yes gabilan I think pre agreement is key. However I am fine with grandparents sharing their preferences with my children as I don't think I have a total right to dictate to my children everything. I like that they see a different world view as I think that's a healthy thing to have. Exposure to different viewpoints is good i think.

Headofthehive55 · 10/04/2016 19:51

DH eats a steak, I don't but don't mind if he shares it with the kids!

spanky2 · 10/04/2016 19:56

My mum would make a point of feeding dcs meals cooked with frozen mince after the horse meat scandal. I told her I was only feeding them homemade mince or fresh mince as frozen mince is washed off the bones and reconstituted. Some people are opinionated arses.

Original poster
Fruitypebbles · 10/04/2016 19:58

Yes, but it's my choice what I feed to my daughter and they agreed that they wouldn't feed her animal products and we decided to provide the alternatives so they don't have to worry about it or spend extra money. There's no flesh in our household at all and she doesn't have any desire to eat it and has been asking over Easter how people can eat lambs. We have pet sheep that we got as lambs last year so she's helped look after them.

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 10/04/2016 22:03

I hope fil apologises profusely - let us know what his ridiculous reasoning was please :)

Crazypetlady · 11/04/2016 00:49

Your fil is a dick. But i agree with others veganism is a very restrictive doet to force on a five year old. What if she decides she wants meat ?

Bogeyface · 11/04/2016 01:13

I have to say that although I think that your FIL was wrong to do what he did, keeping sheep as pets is far worse!

crazycatdad · 11/04/2016 01:43

Really? Keeping sheep as pets is far worse than feeding a vegan child meat? Please explain.

OP I would not let him near my child unsupervised again.

crazycatdad · 11/04/2016 02:16

UmbongoUnchained, if your DC is OK with eggs I have a brownie recipe for you. My wife is vegan although she will eat eggs which are sourced from a local place where the hens basically run feral.

I'll post the recipe in the morning on that thread someone made in the cooking section.

Incidentally most baking recipes which need milk will work with soya milk.

dizzytomato · 11/04/2016 02:25

How is keeping sheep as pets worse? I assume they are not kept in and have some good outside space. I assume they are female as well because while lambs aere very cute, rams would not make good pets i imagine, unless you nueter and de-horn, which would be cruel.

My mum is vegetarian, we don't eat ready meals or factory processed foods as we're farmers and don't trust the sources so I requested that DM not feed my children any ready meals or meat alternative processed crap, but she does it anyway and it sometimes makes them ill. I take the rough with the smooth though and figured it's not all the time, we're not totalitarian and will have the occasional fast food meal out, so it's the same thing.. Your case is different because it's not something you let slip occasionally. He was completely out of order. I would ask him how we would have felt if someone made his child do something he was against just because they didn't agree with him.

kittybiscuits · 11/04/2016 08:35

If a person eats eggs, they are not vegan.

crazycatdad · 11/04/2016 08:58

This reply has been deleted

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fascicle · 11/04/2016 09:44

cleaty
I am talking about life long vegans who vomited when they tried meat. My friend tried meat twice, and both times was very ill. Would love to know the actual science behind this.

Headofthehive55
Apparently cleaty it's to do with the enzymes that you produce in order to digest meat and milk. If you don't utilise that ability it can and does disappear sometimes.

And yet there appears to be no evidence to support the theory that vegans attempting to eat meat will have longterm issues. (You could spin a similar myth about alcohol consumption, based on anecdotal 'evidence' - numerous cases of vomiting following consumption after years of abstinence from birth. Only I'm not sure how many people are deterred by unfortunate early experiences with alcohol.)

PovertyPain · 11/04/2016 09:47

If a person is dogmatic about this type of thing, they are often a douchebag.

Very classy. Hmm I mystery be a douchebag too because I agree with Kitty, anyone who claims to be a vegan but eats eggs is talking bullshit.

PovertyPain · 11/04/2016 09:47

I must NOT mystery.

cleaty · 11/04/2016 09:54

Nothing wrong with pet sheep, as long as you know how to look after them. Such as worming them.

dizzytomato · 11/04/2016 10:07

Actually if you eat a restricted diet and then something that you're not used to you can get ill. It doesn't mean the thing you eat is bad for you.

For example if someone survives on ready meals and never eats fresh fruit and vegetables then they will almost certainly get an upset stomach if they eat grapes or an apple. Unfortunately they would probably claim fruit intolerance and never do it again. Getting sick when you eat something doesn't mean the thing you eat is necessarily bad for you. It means you don't have sufficiently developed enzymes to cope with it.

hibbleddible · 11/04/2016 10:22

fruity I knew from your op that there would be some who would give you a hard time here. There seems to be a very vocal anti-veggie/vegan minority on mumsnet.

I'm veggie (and would love to take the plunge to be vegan) and am bringing up my 2 DC's veggie too. If a relative did the same as your fil I would not allow any further unsupervised contact. He has disregarded your choices and made your DD sick.

As a veggie child I was also sick having eaten meat accidentally, I think it is perfectly normal. I do also know a few children who were brought up veggie who became meat eaters, so I think those saying your DD is some way deprived of a choice are ridiculous. If she wanted to introduce meat gradually when she is old enough to make a decision then that is her choice.

Everyone makes choices for their children (breastfeeding vs formula feeding, cot vs co-sleeping, attachment parenting vs Gina ford etc). These other parenting decision are acknowledged as personal choice, so why should veggie/vegan diet be any different? (Especially as it is beneficial for children's health)

HeadfirstForHalos · 11/04/2016 10:24

Actual lol at having pet sheep being worse than feeding a vegan child meat. I wonder if anyone ever asked the sheep if they'd prefer to be dinner or a coddled pet? Grin

Op yanbu, dh, our dc and I are all vegetarian, and I know mil disapproves , but she had always respected our wishes and never tried to give them meat. I would make it clear that this is unacceptable now and nip it in the bud, or he will think he can do it again.