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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at FIL for feeding my daughter meat?

443 replies

Fruitypebbles · 09/04/2016 13:40

Hi, just joined the site to ask this.

We're vegans, and my daughter has been raised and weaned vegan. She's 5 and happily eats anything put in front of her. She's very healthy, not lacking in any vitamins or nutrients at all and is beautiful, happy and refuses to eat meat usually because she knows in child friendly terms why we are vegans.

Despite her health being perfectly fine (she rarely ever gets ill, let alone any deficiencies in iron and protein - there's plenty of protein in plants!) my FIL thinks we're evil. We've given him all the information, shown him exactly how much she gets in a normal day and he can see how healthy she is. He fed her a meat casserole, she obviously couldn't recognise the meat in the stew because we use meat subs occasionally. She was very, very sick after this as her body can't digest meat after never eating it. Why can't he just respect our choices to not eat animal products? AIBU?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 10/04/2016 11:03

"Let's face it, they will want to if they gave any normal friends at school"

It's a generational thing............

fascicle · 10/04/2016 11:32

MidnightVelvetthe5th
Totally agree fascicle but I'm used to cooking for vegans & know what it & isn't acceptable . I'd imagine a few school parents wouldn't be arsed, especially if you have the lazy/ignorant/bigoted/too busy to check type smile

My experience of other parents catering for vegan children on playdates was quite heartwarming. Quite a few had limited prior knowledge/experience but were still keen to provide something suitable. Some bought stuff in to keep for future visits. I can't think of a single parent who couldn't be arsed. My expectations were quite low (as in not expecting anyone to go to great lengths) but my experience was that often people would be very thoughtful.

Tollygunge · 10/04/2016 11:35

I would go completely fucking nuts if anyone did this to my daughter! It completely undermines you as a parent. It's such a fundamental belief and I'd go mad if anyone did this. Also, your poor daughter. This will just serve to make her suspicious of food

ThatWhiteElephant · 10/04/2016 11:54

I would be absolutely furious with your FIL. How dare he be so disrespectful. I would have to let him know my thoughts on this subject and tbh would not trust him to feed either my kids or myself again. What an arse!

Jonesey1972 · 10/04/2016 11:56

'YANBU he should have respected your views so is an arse but the getting sick thing because her body can't digest meat is tosh - its just protein and she will have had plenty of other protein containing foods'

Not true... Her body will be unable to produce the enzymes needed to break down meat.

Jonesey1972 · 10/04/2016 11:57

Your father-in-law's behaviour is out and out abusive. How did he respond when he realised she was ill after the meal?

CoyRoy · 10/04/2016 12:11

Send him a copy if www.drfuhrman.com/shop/ChildBookReviews.aspx.

What are you going to do, OP?

flumpybear · 10/04/2016 12:18

Wow this is so outrageous!! How DARE he!!! I'm a meat eater and I'm not keen on restricting diets in children, but still it's not his call - prick!!

99percentchocolate · 10/04/2016 12:18

I'd be furious too OP. I became veggie as a teenager and my mum thought it was just a fad. She fed me meat several times and left me with huge trust issues. It took about ten years to start trusting what she put in front of me again. I imagine it'll take your DD a long time to trust your FIL again (and you). I hope he is ashamed of his actions.

RiverTam · 10/04/2016 12:27

Outrageous. Your DP needs to make it clear that his father w
I'll ever be allowed with your DD alone as he cant be trusted. He totally took advantage of her bring a child, he wouldn't have done something yo sneaky to adults.

What an utter cunt.

RiverTam · 10/04/2016 12:28

Will never

musicposy · 10/04/2016 12:34

OP, a family member did this to DD2. She decided to become veggie at the age of 8. We are not veggie but supported her wholeheartedly, a decision some family members made clear they did not approve of. We went round a family members house and the husband (now ex) surreptitiously fed her potatoes cooked in meat fat. He was the sort who didn't believe in children being allowed to make decisions and I think was trying to prove some kind of point. We didn't realise until she had eaten it.

At that point she'd been veggie for a year or so and like your DD, she was very, very ill. Terrible stomach upset and cramps for ages. We discovered then that you can lose the enzymes needed to digest meat if you don't eat it for a long time.

She didn't forgive him. She's nearly 17 now, still veggie, and is very grateful that we've always backed her all the way. I am very careful when I prepare her food and she knows she can trust us. But she never trusted that family member again, ever. She still remembers it even though it was all those years ago.

Quite aside from that fact that your parenting choices are yours and no one else's, your FIL is very, very silly. Even if your DD later turns into a rampant meat eater, she will always remember that she could not trust him. Might be worth spelling this out.

urkidding · 10/04/2016 12:37

I'm vegetarian, but I let my children make their own decisions, and let them experiment with food.

The father-in-law is trying to annoy you, and that is something you should take up with him. Feeding a child vegetables is hardly difficult. Tell him respect is a two-way street, and if he does not respect you, you will not respect him. The food is just a lot of noise, hiding disrespect.

JessieMcJessie · 10/04/2016 13:05

What does your DP have to say about all this? It's his father who has made his daughter ill. Did he have similar problems with his parents when he became vegan himself? If you are to make any sort of stand then he has to support you fully and take the lead in communicating the message.

Headofthehive55 · 10/04/2016 13:57

I do feel that if it does permanently render you unable to eat meat/ dairy as an adult surely you should preserve her ability to make her own choice. You are a custodian of her rather than owning her.

It's irrelevant whether or not you can live without meat, it should be her choice, and if you remove that choice due to your own belief then I think you are wrong in that aspect.

teacups83 · 10/04/2016 13:57

We are vegan and i would lose my shit over this. YANBU.

VeganCow · 10/04/2016 14:12

Im vegan for 8 years, vegetarian for 30ish. brought my two up to eat anything they chose, probably because their father ate meat, so they ate meat as well as vegetarian.
Wish I'd brought them up veggie and let them decide if they wanted to eat meat later, would do that now.
Would be majorly pissed off at the giving of meat by fil. He obviously doesnt respect you or your choices. Wouldnt have responsibility for her ever again as cant be trusted to do the right thing by her.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 10/04/2016 14:20

i would be way beyond furious. PIL would never be in situation where he would decide on what to feed DD again, ever. If you can't trust him over that, do you feel you could trust him about anything?

My own DC are vegetarian/vegan. It's not a problem, it's the easiest thing in the world to cater for, but we had one family member who thought it was a fad. I never trusted her enough to leave my DC with her. She would have fed them some sort of meat just to make a point and gloat over it.

My DC have always been aware of why we have made our choices, and have always been given the opportunity to try meat if they wanted. They have also been told that other people make other choices and that we must respect that, too.

cleaty · 10/04/2016 14:20

That is how I feel too Headofthehive.

TaraCarter · 10/04/2016 14:24

I do feel that if it does permanently render you unable to eat meat/ dairy as an adult surely you should preserve her ability to make her own choice. You are a custodian of her rather than owning her.

It's irrelevant whether or not you can live without meat, it should be her choice, and if you remove that choice due to your own belief then I think you are wrong in that aspect.

If I'd been brought up being made to eat meat by my vegan family for "my own good", I think the result would have been an extremely confused and angry adolescent me...

I don't think it would make me feel as if my choices were respected; rather the reverse. Eating meat is a cultural default, but that is not the same as a moral default or morally neutral.

May I mention again that I have accidentally eaten meat, and nothing dramatic happened?

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 10/04/2016 14:28

On the subject of playdates, I don't think we ever had a problem. Perhaps we were just lucky with the families my DC were friends with. Other parents were always happy to provide something suitable, or would ask. I was also happy to send a couple of veggie/vegan items if that helped. Mutual respect was obviously very important.

Visiting children knew they would not be getting burgers or ham sandwiches but enjoyed a range of foods that they might not otherwise have tried. Baking was always a popular activity - it's so easy to make a couple of batches of vegan cakes or cookies.

Tollygunge · 10/04/2016 15:17

We've never had any issues at birthday parties or play dates. Even friends who eat meat always cook veggie food for children who visit as you don't always know who is halal or had other religious requirements or whose parents are funny about non organic meat. It's not even an issue in these parts.

cleaty · 10/04/2016 15:27

Birthday parties and restaurants are easy if you are vegetarian. Vegan is much harder, I know as I am vegan. I do think because it makes socialising outside the home difficult, that adults should have the choice.

Headofthehive55 · 10/04/2016 15:34

The point is you are imposing your view on another being, who cannot choose just yet. To remove a range of options that is seen as the cultural norm I think is not the right thing to do. In the same way as removing a child's right to education because you don't think it's right would be equally unacceptable. I think you need to preserve their right to choose, rather than impose it.

They can always choose later, to become vegan if they want, but may not be able to digest meat, therefore choosing that option for them gives them less choice as an adult. Why would anyone wish to remove choice from their adult offsprings?

If I felt my choice now had been decided by my parents, I would be very angry indeed.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 10/04/2016 15:49

This idea that children raised vegan will never be able to digest meat is nonsense! Where has it come from? Yes, going from vegan to chowing down a load of red meat will probably cause some digestive distress but of course a person could introduce meat and dairy slowly if they want to.
Raising children vegetarian or vegan doesn't take away their choice permanently, though it does make them less likely to choose to eat meat as an adult.

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