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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if there is any compromise when parents disagree on smacking?

296 replies

Waitrosesaysimessential · 08/04/2016 18:59

Dh and I disagree on smacking - he is for it, I think it is pointless, and that there are better ways of managing behaviour. We have three under 5 and it is getting me down as we continually argue about it. We were both smacked as kids, and tbh I thought nothing of it until i had my own. I have had the urge to smack at times but restrained as i think it is quite cruel. I also dont understand how it is ok for me to smack my small child, while if i smacked an adult it would be assault! My dh says there is no evidence of harm, and says yelling is more harmful.

How do we compromise on this issue? He is adament our kids would behave better if i smacked them, instead of the current system of star chart and sent to room for bad behaviour. He has smacked our kids, never much but i find it horrible. I also feel it is kind of lazy, like he cannot be bothered to think of another punishment. His parents are all for smacking, and his ds did it to her own. My friends are all against, they see it as quite outdated and pointless.

Any ideas would be welcome as it is really putting a strain on us, despite years of discussion. Thank you

OP posts:
pearlylum · 09/04/2016 07:59

yeahsure- of course we all get it wrong sometimes, but to me hitting is crossing a very deep line.
My OH annoys me sometimes, as does my elderly mother, and I get frustrated. At no time do I decide to hit them , and they don't hit me. I don't hit my dog out of anger and frustration either.

Hitting is just not part of my vocabulary- so why should it be OK sometimes to "get it wrong" and hit a child.

If my OH sometimes hit me because his methods of communication failed I would call the police.

SuperFlyHigh · 09/04/2016 08:00

Yeahsure what you say is true,you are not speaking out of turn, he is or was a classic bully but he hasn't done it for years... I agree I am minimising but what could I do now apart from maybe therapy (which I had when I was bullied -oh the irony!) at work a few years ago recently.

I will say amongst my childhood friends that in 70s smacking seemed to be "in" especially with the stepparent families - remember then a lot of mums stayed married to dads even if there were problems. I am not saying that any stepparent smacks their stepchildren just something I noticed as a child or was told about. Y the child in question. My mum herself was never smacked by her dad or mum, I think her grandma who helped bring her up swiped her with a tea towel a few times...

My mum if I've brought it up feels that it was regretful (there were 2 kids now 4!) that the smacking happened, but she did not know about it - it was a bit stressful as brother was severe asthmatic in and out of hospital constantly. But I think when she met him she told him about us he agreed and accepted but didn't think about the enormity of parenting 2 young kids and thought he could cope. I do think if we were kids now what with all the regulations one or both of us kids would go to the relevant authorities but like I said above it was almost accepted... Does Dr Spock (my mums parenting book!) condone it? I don't know.

In fact there was a huge family row between stepdad and I when I went round one weekend almost 15 years ago now as my mum had been telling me a few things to do with my nana (her mums) recent death, that meant stepdad didn't speak to me for a few years but he does now. To be honest water off a ducks back. I've gone past the stage of being nice. There is more but if I give you the more it remains why does my mum stay with my stepdad now (they never married thankfully!) - she says she doesn't want to be alone and he in relation to the more has stopped that now.

With me in particular as a young child I was going through abandonment issues due to my dad leaving (he was an alcoholic) and I know my stepdad mocked me about that which I think is unbelievably cruel. For a 25 year old to do that though the 25 year old lacks maturity shows more is lacking there too.

pearlylum · 09/04/2016 08:01

blenheim I wouldn't want to live with a man who thought that physical violence was an acceptable communication tool. It shows a deep failing.

witsender · 09/04/2016 08:10

My parents smacked me...always in a calm...upstairs and over the knee fashion. All I remember learning from it was it became a power battle, I was determined not to give him the satisfaction of crying. I didn't learn anything more positive than that. It also created a distance from my parents that grew every time.

The only time I remember it being frowned on was when I mistakenly shut the car door before my sister had gotten out in a car park. My dad got me round the head with his wallet....my mum just Said "not on the head M"...

As it is I have a good relationship with my parents, they were just a product of their time and upbringing...not abusive per se. They know that were they to try it on my kids they would find their access cut! Interestingly my MIL had 4 boys and a husband who worked abroad for months/years on end. Managed to bring up 4 well adjusted boys with no violence.

Hitting never solves anything. And blaming your children for your lack of ability to control yourself is dangerous territory...What are you teaching them about normal relationships? That it's ok for a partner to hit them if they've really wound them up, and as long as their abuser says sorry later then everything should just carry on? Odd.

BlenheimBouquet · 09/04/2016 08:31

It's a moot point though, isn't it pearly? Therefore not worth arguing over.

YounicorneNumbers · 09/04/2016 08:57

I was hit occasionally as a child by my parents. I don't remember why.

It was just a thing that happened sometimes and I don't bear any resentment to either of them for it, truly I don't. But it was a different time and I know my mum regrets it.

When my eldest was younger I hit him a handful of times. I feel dreadful about it and have never hit my youngest DC. It just a) doesn't work and b) it's just a shit thing to do. My XH has never raised a hand to either of my DC.

If I had my time again I wouldn't do it, i judge those who do and defend it.

Yeahsure · 09/04/2016 09:04

pearly I couldn't agree more, I'm not sure why you think I feel otherwise?

Super I do know what you mean by 'what's the point/what can I do'. I had a pretty shit step parent related childhood (no violence), also 70s. I know times were different. I guess all you can do is distance yourself, keep him at arm's length and of course you have moved on with your life. I would definitely think about counselling though if you are struggling with it all. A good counsellor can be amazingly transformative. Did any of it come up when you had therapy over work bullying?

paxillin · 09/04/2016 10:20

People who lose control and smack must surely be unemployed. No employer would accept it if you assaulted a colleague, you'd be banned by public transport for violence against staff and no shop would still serve you.

Unless your loss of control is very calculated and you are using your kids as a punch bag to wind down? Or you know you are (just) on the right side of the law, if immoral. Because otherwise those anger issues would have happened elsewhere not just with defenseless kids who are the only people on earth you are allowed to abuse by law.

SenecaFalls · 09/04/2016 14:54

Excellent points, paxillin. Society doesn't accept "losing control" as an excuse for violence in any other context. Hitting a child is a choice made by the parent.

pearlylum · 09/04/2016 15:02

yeahsure- sorry my points were just general ones, I know we are thinking along the same lines.

pearlylum · 09/04/2016 15:09

BlenheimBouquet but I think it certainly is worth arguing over- as this thread shows.

I am genuinely interested as to why you - and decreasing minority of society thinks it's OK to hit children but not adults.
The law needs a serious review.

It used to be acceptable for a man to hit his wife until the law was changed. I grew up in the 1960s when the police would walk away from cases of wife beating as just a "domestic", and would only intervene if very severe.

THankfully laws and zero tolerance campaigns have let to a big change in our attitudes to domestic violence. The same needs to be done to protect our children, arguably the most vulnerable sectors of our society.

novemberchild · 09/04/2016 15:19

I talked about this with my husband before I became pregnant - if he was OK with physical punishment then I would not have agreed to have his children.

Alexa444 · 09/04/2016 16:39

I don't think you really can compromise on it. Not unless you compile a list of offences and agree on what does or doesn't warrant it. Such as smacking in situations where they absolutely must never do that again, they could have been killed/killed someone.

I am generally pro smacking. Proper smacking though. As is one smack, bare open hand, buttocks or thigh only and over clothes. But if my OH really didn't like it then it wouldn't be worth the toll on our relationship. We'd have to find a different form of discipline. End of the day they are his kids too and I like to think that he wouldn't do anything with them that I was strongly against and that has to go both ways tbh. Even if I think they need the attitude knocked out of them.

pearlylum · 09/04/2016 16:42

"I am generally pro smacking. Proper smacking though"

Who do you hit? Just children? Do you hit your OH or colleagues ? Someone who steals your parking space?

Alexa444 · 09/04/2016 16:52

Pearly I will not get into a debate about smacking because it will simply go round in circles and we will all end up arguing. You won't change my view and I won't change yours so there is no point in it. I think smacking can be an effective discipline if used sparingly and responsibly. Not for petty day to day stuff. You don't. That is fine. We just have different parenting styles. No need for nastiness to begin.

QueenArseClangers · 09/04/2016 17:01

No need for nastiness to begin

?????!!!!!

Ha ha! Says the woman who declares that she assaults her children?!!!! Confused

Oh the irony....

paxillin · 09/04/2016 17:02

It's a child protection issue, not a parenting one. It will be outlawed soon enough. Until it is, debates about it are important.

pearlylum · 09/04/2016 17:04

paxillin- so right

UmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2016 17:04

It's not different parenting, it's shit parenting.

paxillin · 09/04/2016 17:09

As for physical abuse being an effective discipline tool, I'm sure if customers were allowed to punch check out assistants it would be a very effective tool to make them work faster. It doesn't make it less disgusting.

Spandexpants007 · 09/04/2016 17:11

I was smacked occasionally and even then I knew it was a crap ignorant discipline method. It resulted in my sibling arguments being too physical. It was like we had all over stepped a point

Smacking = using fear to make children behave. Your DH is teaching his kids that fear and punishment resolves issues.

A better approach would be to enable them to understand situations and help them reflect on their behaviour. What they could do differently. These skills are actually very useful in adulthood anyway!

Alexa444 · 09/04/2016 17:11

In your opinion bongo. I think the people walking around trying to reason with a screaming, swearing 8 year old and thinking that losing a gold star constitutes discipline is pretty shit parenting. If you assault your child when you smack their bum you're doing it wrong. A proper smack shouldn't even hurt for more than a second.

pearlylum · 09/04/2016 17:12

"I will not get into a debate about smacking because it will simply go round in circles and we will all end up arguing. You won't change my view and I won't change yours so there is no point in it."

But we live in a progressive society. Are you suggesting that some topics should be closed for debate?
Debate is what moves society forwards. Race discrimination was once accepted, women prevented from voting, capital punishment, slavery.
Are you so fixed in your position?

paxillin · 09/04/2016 17:14

Well, my example of punching check out assistants does assume not knocking out a tooth, just like your physical abuse examples mean not hurting afterwards, only during, Alexa.

pearlylum · 09/04/2016 17:20

alexa- it saddens me that you think that there are only these two limited options.

I don't assault my children, yet you suggest that this " I think the people walking around trying to reason with a screaming, swearing 8 year old and thinking that losing a gold star constitutes discipline is pretty shit parenting. " is the alternative???!!!

You have a very limited view of parenting.