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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset at daughters words

134 replies

SurroMummy13 · 07/04/2016 09:53

I have a hole load of shit going on atm, stressed about work, money and other things in my life.

Oh a daily basis my daughter is telling me she doesn't like me, I'm a horrible mummy. Yes she's 3 and I know I shouldn't let it get to me so if any of the nasty asses want to have a bitchy comment, piss off elsewhere. I'm upset at this.

She only stops when she knows she's 100% upset me. I'm the one who does a damn thing for her and I'm the only one who gets treated this way. Himself just says 'well she's at that age'

Sat in floods of tears because of the way she's been with me just in the last 2 hours.

OP posts:
KondosSecretJunkRoom · 07/04/2016 10:53

When you say that she only stops when she knows you are 100% upset, what do you mean by that?

What are you doing when you are 100% upset over say 50% or 10%?

It sounds like you are having a really hard time at the moment and your relationship is tricky atm. But she needs you to be moderate with your behaviour and upset and is too little to bear witness to your deep sadness.

SuckingEggs · 07/04/2016 10:54

OP, you come across as being hurt like hell and you're lashing out.

She's going to watch your behaviour and model it. And she's testing boundaries - which is what all kids do developmentally. It's hard, really hard, but she has no clue what 'hate' means. She's lashing out and has no concept of the consequences of how it makes you feel. You're her mum, you need to rise above it.

And your dp needs to step the fuck up. Is it possible your anger at him is misplaced at your DD?

This phase, with your DD, will pass. Your DH needs to get with the programme though.

Scooterloo · 07/04/2016 10:56

I think you could do with love bombing yourself too

leelu66 · 07/04/2016 10:56

Need - it was RudeElf who told the OP she is nasty.

I don't think it helps to inflame the situation to be honest.

RudeElf · 07/04/2016 11:01

it was RudeElf who told the OP she is nasty.

Actually it was OP's daughter who told her she was nasty. I agreed and when questioned provided examples of why i agreed.

OP also accused posters of being nasty which is what i assumed need was responding to.

blobbityblob · 07/04/2016 11:03

You just need a tactic. Disarm rather than rise to it. Tell her that's a shame because I love you. I feel sad now. If you get angry and react badly she's going to do it every time she wants attention.

And maybe focus on your own health. You sound stressed beyond. It's an awful lot easier to deal with a 3 year old if you're feeling well yourself. Try and take some time out for yourself. Easy to say I know. But it makes a difference. Even if you just walk round the block for half an hour.

leelu66 · 07/04/2016 11:07

it was RudeElf who told the OP she is nasty.

Actually it was OP's daughter who told her she was nasty. I agreed and when questioned provided examples of why i agreed.

Hmm

That's splitting hairs. The OP sounds close to the edge. Is calling her nasty going to help the situation one iota?

MagicMojito · 07/04/2016 11:11

My 4 year old DD is going through a hideous patch of behaviour (for about 6months now (big sob) She is almost constantly doing naughty things and saying really quite horrid things to me (she hates me, I'm stupid, kicking, spitting etc.) I know its all for attention, I know its a stage that many children go through and as long as I am loving, firm and consistant with her it will pass. Knowing these things does not make it easier when the child you love so deeply and sacrifice so much for says that she HATES you and is unhappy living with you. It can really get you down even though logically you know it shouldn't.

I really don't think the earlier posters
were trying to goad you or say your a shit parent. Most of us are either going through or have gone through similar so are trying to offer practical help and an outside perspective awell as sympathy and support.

I'm sure you'll agree that the good bits of being a parent far outweigh all the shitty bits. Flowers

NeedACleverNN · 07/04/2016 11:13

Well it looked the OP said something that was worth hq deleting and then rudeelf agreed the OP was nasty

leelu66 · 07/04/2016 11:16

I think we should remember there is a 3 year old involved. Some patience with the OP may help improve the situation for the 3 year old and OP.

tiktok · 07/04/2016 11:19

This is not a great folder for this sort of question.....parenting folder would be better.

OP, you can ask MNHQ to move it.

AIBU is often a place for robust responses, and when people are feeling stressed, angry and a bit fragile I can think of better places to be :)

RudeElf · 07/04/2016 11:21

Is calling her nasty going to help the situation one iota?

Agreeing with an already stated opinion that she is nasty when she is adamant its all of us and her 3 year old that is the problem? Yes, i think it needs said.

trulybadlydeeply · 07/04/2016 11:21

OP are you working today? It sounds like you are upset and hurting, and TBH it sounds like your DD is too. Ignore, ignore ignore all the horrible stuff she is saying. She is looking for a reaction because I suspect that underneath she is worried. If you are not working then if you are able, forget everything, and just spend the day with your DD doing something that you both find fun and relaxing. Get duvets down and curl up in front of some films, if it's sunny go to a park and feed the ducks. Anything, as long as it's fun and relaxing. Forget eating healthily for one day, let her eat cakes, chocolate, crisps etc. Just spoil her and enjoy being with her.

No, that's not going to make any of the bad stuff go away, but it sounds like you both need a bit of light relief in all of this. Put the world on hold for a few hours, and have some fun.

leelu66 · 07/04/2016 11:23

RudeElf

You agreed with the stated opinion of a 3 year old, Rude.

Anyway, I don't want to get in to a bunfight. I see MN deleted your comment agreeing OP is nasty (as well as some of OP's comments).

RudeElf · 07/04/2016 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

midsummabreak · 07/04/2016 11:33

Hope u can turn the day around
Agree with others about ignoring bad behaviour/when she says silly things
And giving lots of smiles cuddles & praise when she is trying to do the right thing

Most of us have been there too... my now 9 year old daughter used to say she liked Daddy better than me when she was 3 that took me by surprise as we had a lovely happy relationship, and I started to let it get to me, which unknowingly gave her power... so she kept it up I did learn to ignore it when I realised it was silly but it took quite a while, each time making no reply comment and distracting her to chat about other things. I still remember how it hurt when she said stuff like that and I do get where you are coming from I'm sure your 3 year old daughter will move on when she realises you don't pay any attention if she is making silly comments Brew Sending u hugs & best wishes

MissHooliesCardigan · 07/04/2016 11:39

I have a nearly 8 year old who regularly tells me that he hates me, that I'm the worst mum in the world and that he doesn't want to be in this family. I know he doesn't mean it but it still hurts. It's been a real shock to me as my older two never did this.
At the moment, I'm going for showering him with affection and praise when he's being nice and trying to ignore his outbursts. We have had talks when he is calm about how words can really hurt people's feelings. I really recommend 'How to talk so kids will listen..' The descriptive praise thing has really worked for me. I agree that it's not a good thing for her to see you reduced to tears - she needs to know that you are in charge, not her.

JuxtapositionRecords · 07/04/2016 12:08

Op I would be concerned about where she is getting these words from rather than what she is saying, as 3 years they don't understand the impact of horrible things they say. 'Horrible mother' and 'she doesn't like you' - who has taught her these things?

Spandexpants007 · 07/04/2016 12:18

You need to get yourself in a better place mentally. Have fun and be silly with your DD. Don't act too needy.

mumoseven · 07/04/2016 14:19

I don't actually remember any of mine saying they hated me, but they've probably thought it!

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 07/04/2016 16:23

Super glad I didn't stick around for these some of these nasty responses.

I'm not normally so sweary and defensive. But with being feeling like crap in the first place and needing support and feeling like people are attacking me, I'll lash out.

There's no need for half the nasty comments I got from people. But keyboard warriors, you wouldn't say it to my face, but you say it here because you have a barrier to hide behind.

My daughter usually is amazing, kind and caring but when she's being like that, she is being a little shit. Have an issue with it? That's your problem, not mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 07/04/2016 16:27

Thanks for those few who were being nice, and not just around to stir.

And some of those I lashed out, I am sorry. Except RudeElf obviously. That was just stirring, should have known by the UN.

We've been out for a long walk, playing in the woods (both came back covered in mud Shock)

OP posts:
Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 07/04/2016 16:30

Midsummabreak my daughter has also said that 'I like daddy more'

I said to her 'it's ok, I like name of teddy* more than daddy!

Daddy wasn't too impressed but made her laugh Grin

OP posts:
Greyponcho · 07/04/2016 16:30

Yay for muddy walks!!
Hope your stresses are short lived Flowers

RudeElf · 07/04/2016 16:36

Actually i wasnt stirring. But if thats what you need to believe then fine. You were being nasty. You were nasty in your OP before anyone else had even posted and you were nasty to posters who were offering advice. You were complaining about how your daughter spoke to you yet couldnt see that that was exactly how you were speaking and worse on here, no wonder she talks to you like that! But of course you dont want to see that. Your prerogative. For your daughter's sake i hope you can recognise what behaviours you are modelling.

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